feeling lost in what's ethical and what's not

[verycleo]

(english is not my first language, and i'm very sorry if my syntax is not great!)

Hi there

I'm fairly new to polyamory, but i've been with my partner with 4.5 years, and our relationship has always been non-monogamous. We haven't acted on it for a fairly long time, because we've experienced some trust issues previously in our relationship (to keep it short, my partner met someone a year after we met, and lied to me about it, and the situation lingered on for a few weeks). We've worked past this "trauma"(i'm bpd and unfortunatly this type of situation is always a trauma for me lol) and now we've both met someone outside our relationship. My partner has been in non monogamous relationships for 6-7 years, and has more experience than me in this matter, but i'm truly struggling. I don't have trust issues anymore (aka i don't feel like he's gonna lie again, because he has been putting a lot of work on being super transparent and honest with me), but i do feel that every mistep in communication is truly hurting me, more than it should. I feel ashamed for feeling this way, and find myself thinking i am the worst partner in polyamoury and that it will never be for me. I'm trying my best to feel compresion, to be "chill" and analyse my fears in a neutral way, but i always feel very possessive, and very fearful.

Last week, me partner had a date with this girl he's been seeing, and he forgot to text me good night (one of our "groundrule", we text eachother good night at a certain time, because we both struggle with insomnia). It opened some very deep, and very long conversations, that we still have today. We both decided it was best to work our shit together and tell our dates that we need a few days to recover and talk - but the issue is, i've been constantly reading stuff in order to understand the right thing to do, and i'm very fearful it might be an unethical way to deal with the situation, as it does seem like a "veto" ? I fint it very very difficult to listen to my heart and my emotions and set boundaries that help me deal with polyaamoury in a pace that feels right, because when i do i feel like it's always non ethical, that it's not ok to set some limits, that i'm too sensistive, etc

I didn't know it would be that hard on my bpd and that i would experience that type of feelings, and i feel as if i cant articulate the theory of polyamory, which i really love and know to be a great way of being in relationships, and the practice, where i'm always scared of being controling or wrong in my way of thinking. I feel very lost in this and can't seem to find the right path to follow...

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi and welcome!

So for the past 4+ years, you've been theoretically "open," but it hasn't been tried except for the one secret affair your supposedly experienced partner, who should've known better, took part in.

Have you read anything? Been to any polyamory group meetings? Or is this your first step, coming here, in research?

We have many many wonderful resources. I'd highly recommend taking a good long look at the info in our Golden Nuggets section. I recently updated it. It's full of links to articles, books, a podcast, even fictional movies and books with polyamory themes. Plus there are links to dozens of older archived and consolidated threads going back to 2009 on any polyamory topic you could think of.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

I can see how having Borderline Personality Disorder could really ramp up the anxiety around your partner dating, or your own dating, when you start. Are you receiving therapy for that condition? Many of us struggle with mental/emotional issues, anxiety/depression, PTSD, autism, you name it, but we don't make the best dating partners unless we are being treated for our conditions.

As for your specific concern around the missed goodnight text, well, people make mistakes, get distracted, etc. Sometimes people even forget to use a condom! It could be anything. We're only human. It's good to forgive an occasional minor slip-up. We might be the one to mess up the next time. Make amends, resolve to do better. Or renegotiate a boundary if it seems quite impractical.

(I'm not saying forgetting a condom is minor. It's serious. But have a backup plan, get tested for STDs and pregnancy, etc.)

 

[kdt26417]

Hello verycleo,

Polyamory isn't for everyone, it may or may not be for you, you have to dedicate some thought to this matter, and learn as much about poly as you can. Veto power isn't generally recommended, but it works for some people. It's all about consent. If all involved parties consent to the veto rule, then it is ethical. This girl your partner has been seeing, does she consent to the veto arrangement? You don't want to hurt her feelings if she doesn't consent. Veto power is something that should be mentioned to all new partners, before the dating begins. This girl your partner has been seeing, was she told, right from the beginning, that you have veto power? This is how it needs to be done. Everyone has to agree to it ahead of time.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't have trust issues anymore (aka i don't feel like he's gonna lie again, because he has been putting a lot of work on being super transparent and honest with me), but i do feel that every mistep in communication is truly hurting me, more than it should.

What are the current agreements? Are they reasonable, rational, and realistic?

I feel ashamed for feeling this way, and find myself thinking i am the worst partner in polyamoury and that it will never be for me. I'm trying my best to feel compresion, to be "chill" and analyse my fears in a neutral way, but i always feel very possessive, and very fearful.

You feel what you feel. You don't have to shame yourself about having feelings there in bold. You might have personal work to do in this area.

You don't have to be the "Cool Poly Partner" and pretend. You can be honest about your feelings. But how about modulating how you talk to yourself and to your partner? "This is a new thing, I'm having tough feelings about it. I need extra transition time right now," sounds a lot different than, "I'm the worst poly partner ever and it will never be for me." Can you hear the difference?

We both decided it was best to work our shit together and tell our dates that we need a few days to recover and talk

I crossed out the last part. He had ONE date with someone. They don't need to know that you and he have stuff to work on in the (you + him) dyad, and neither does your other partner. Can't you and he just take the days you need, and just space out your other dates?

If the date were with me, and I saw him last Monday, and we haven't even set up a second date, or we did set it up, and it isn't until next Monday a week out, why would I need to know or care what he's doing on the days in between with you?

This is polyamory, so I'd expect him to be dating other people. I'd expect him to manage his time himself and not ask me out if he's not actually free. I'd expect him to keep stuff from the other side of the V over THERE, and not leak it over onto me over HERE.

He forgot to text me good night. One of our "ground rules" is we text each other good night at a certain time, because we both struggle with insomnia.

Sometimes people forget. Is there space for that in the agreement, or is this an agreement that is a set up to fail? Maybe it's ok NOT to text good night on date nights with other people? Maybe you change it to "before care" rather than "after care"? Maybe you let it go entirely and self-soothe on those nights, and do your own insomnia-care things? Like, maybe you want a T-shirt he's worn so you can smell him on it for those times? There could be other creative solutions that move away from texts.

I find it very very difficult to listen to my heart and emotions, and set boundaries that help me deal with polyamory at a pace that feels right, because when I do, I feel like it's always non-ethical, that it's not ok to set some limits, that I'm too sensitive, etc.

When you say "boundaries," are you setting those for YOURSELF to follow, like your own "personal boundaries?"

Not-ethical for WHOM? Your personal ethics are for you to decide, because they are PERSONAL. They will make you compatible with some people and not with others. That's part of what dating is for, to figure out who is compatible and who is not.

Too sensitive for WHOM? If you have to go to work early, at 6 AM, and need solid sleep, and make a personal boundary that you don't stay out past 9 PM, so you can shower and be in bed by 10 PM, that doesn't mean your friends can't stay up later. It means YOU cannot. Not on a work night. What is wrong with you being sensitive to what YOU need to be ok?

BPD can make poly challenging, but if you have your BPD under management, and are doing your things, nothing says you can't practice poly. YOU get to decide what you are and are not up for. YOU have to work within your personal limits.

I'm always scared of being controlling or wrong in my way of thinking. I feel very lost in this and can't seem to find the right path to follow.

That sounds like something to unpack with a counselor, all this fearfulness, worrying about coming off as "controlling" or "wrong thinking." It's ok for you to take up your fair share of the space in the world. It's ok for you to have your own preferences and your own thoughts. It's not "controlling" to ask reasonable and rational requests of people. They are free to say "Ok, I can do that," or "No, thanks. I won't be doing that."

Galagirl