Feeling neglected

J

jayblue122

Member
Hey, so me and my partner Jason have been dating for over two years now. At the moment we are in a long-distance relationship. He plans to move out to me in a month.

He has been struggling with his mental health quite a bit lately. This is not a particularly new struggle. However it is currently aggravated by the fact that he is finishing up his schooling, and only has 3 weeks left till he graduates College. He is seeking help, and doing what he can to take care of himself. However this is definitely a strain on our relationship right now.

Since August he has been casually seeing somebody, let's call her Patti. Every so often he'll fall into a pattern where she's coming over all the time. I don't have a problem with their relationship. I think that she is an important part of his support system. However during these times, he basically stopped talking to me completely. In the past I have pointed out this behavior to him and asked him to make a point to reach out and respond to communication. When I do he changes his behavior. But then time passes and it happens again. He is not very good at time management and that is an issue.

I'm getting tired of having to continually speak up about this issue. I am tired of feeling like relationship maintenance 100% on me while he deals with his mental health or school. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing all the work.

I feel like my only option right now is just to be patient. But I'm feel like I'm getting close to done. I don't want to be done. I want to make our relationship better, healthier.

Advice?
 
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jayblue122 said:
He plans to move out to me in a month.
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Did you mean he's moving IN with you?

I'm not sure what to say.
I just know that I was guilty of horrible neglect because of studying. And that my finals sent me into a deep anxiety spiral.

So if the problems you describe here were all the problems you have and mostly in the last few months, I'd tell you to wait it out and see if the relationship improves (together with his mental health) after he finishes and settles into a job.

But if there's a historical pattern of you doing all the maintenance, always, and it was never significantly better or even balanced, I'd say he's not that interested and/or doesn't understand the importance of relationships at large, and it might be wise to be done.

Anyway, yes, you can't really discuss difficult stuff with him before the finals. But you can still ask for a nice non-studying evening and arrange the program. Putting aside both the work and the anxiety for a few hours can be extremely difficult for the person under stress, but beneficial too. Could also plan a vacation together after graduating. Also a very important thing to do.
 
In the past I have pointed out this behavior to him and asked him to make a point to reach out and respond to communication. When I do he changes his behavior. But then time passes and it happens again. He is not very good at time management and that is an issue.
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This sounds chronic. So you may have to accept that this is a permanent part of him --just not good at time management and not likely to change much. Then you figure out if this is something you can live with forever or not -- you having to ask him to make changes and he makes them for a while before sliding back into old habits.

I'm getting tired of having to continually speak up about this issue. I am tired of feeling like relationship maintenance 100% on me while he deals with his mental health or school. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing all the work.

I feel like my only option right now is just to be patient. But I'm feel like I'm getting close to done. I don't want to be done. I want to make our relationship better, healthier.
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If you have been doing 100% of the relationship maintenance for the last 2 years of LDR and feel done with that?

  • You can ask him to move in with you next month and see if he gets better with his time management when he is local. If that doesn't work out? Then end it later on.

  • You can ask him to move locally but NOT move in with you and see if he gets better with his time management when he is local. If that doesn't work out? Then end it later on.

  • You can end it now without trying any more new things. Then it doesn't matter where he chooses to live because his time management no longer affects you. (Sometimes what is needed to make a situation healthier is to part ways.)

If you want to talk about stuff.... wait til finals are over. I don't think he's going to be able to listen well til those are done.

I feel like my only option right now is just to be patient. But I'm feel like I'm getting close to done. I don't want to be done. I want to make our relationship better, healthier.
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I see you want to make it better. But does he?

If you are holding up your end of the stick? That's half the effort required for this 2 people thing.

If he's not holding up his end of the stick? And you carry it all -- yours and his? That is you burning out.

Ask if he's wiling to put in his fair share. If not? Let this go.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Jay,

I don't know if you've done this yet, but perhaps you could tell Jason that you have a problem with him sliding back into his old habits. I am also thinking you could tell him that you are just about done. He should be aware of how serious the situation is.

On the other hand, if you can wait one more month you should probably do so. He is under heavy stress with school near the end, and probably can't handle extra pressure right now. Be patient and wait until he moves out to you. That will be a different situation and his behavior may change anyway at that point. If it doesn't, even he still neglects your relationship, then you can tell him how you feel about that, and, if he still goes back to his old habits, maybe that's the time to break up with him. :(

You can't make him listen to you and hear you. You can't make him stop falling back into his old habits. Only he can control those things. You're already doing everything you can to maintain the relationship. As long as he knows how serious things have become, and as long as he knows that sliding back into his old habits is the main problem, the ball is in his court.

I hope you don't have to break up with him. :(
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I realized I left out some background information.

We are Long distance right now but have only been so the past 6 months. The past six months is also the only time I have felt that I am doing 100% of the work. We were living together before we we're long distance and plan to live together again when he moves here.

I do not think Jason realize that I'm feeling frustrated. Because I have not yet shared this with him. Mostly because of his current stressors relating to school. However I do think that if I spoke with him he would make an effort to change his behavior. What I do speak up he does definitely make an active effort to change. Sometimes he'll slip back into old habits. Especially when we are apart for long periods of time. And this is where I'm running into issues now.

Posting this and having to clarify made me realize that a lot of my current frustrations are directly correlated to our long distance. This makes me think that maybe patience is what is needed at the moment.
 
GalaGirl said:
If you want to talk about stuff.... wait til finals are over. I don't think he's going to be able to listen well til those are done.

I see you want to make it better. But does he?

If you are holding up your end of the stick? That's half the effort required for this 2 people thing.

If he's not holding up his end of the stick? And you carry it all -- yours and his? That is you burning out.

Ask if he's wiling to put in his fair share. If not? Let this go.

Galagirl
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I think he would be willing to hold up his end of the stick if he was able to see then his end of the stick was falling down. However I think he's got his eyes and focus all on school and taking care of himself right now which is where it needs to be. However that does leave me holding the stick.

I think I want to wait and talk to him after school's over. I can hold the stick for another 2 weeks. As long as after school's over he does step up and take the stick too, then I think we will be okay.
 
Thanks for more info. It sounds like the issue is LDR...

So wait til finals are over to talk it over, and make plans for when he moves back and is done with school. Hopefully when the relationship is local again all this stuff clear up.

Galagirl
 
Speaking as someone who's been in the last 2 weeks of school 3 different times, not including high school... yeah, the guy's just acting totally normal for someone trying to get through the hardest finals he's ever taken. If he's got mental health issues on top of it, then the fact he's even answering your phone calls and texts at all is, in my opinion, him already doing his best under the circumstances.

Yes, right now, you ARE holding the stick. And down the road, something will probably happen in your life that will require HIM to hold the stick. That's life. It can't be balanced and fair all the time. As long as there's balance in the long-run, that's what counts.
 
jayblue122 said:
Hey, so me and my partner Jason have been dating for over two years now. At the moment we are in a long-distance relationship. He plans to move out to me in a month.

He has been struggling with his mental health quite a bit lately. This is not a particularly new struggle. However it is currently aggravated by the fact that he is finishing up his schooling, and only has 3 weeks left till he graduates College. He is seeking help, and doing what he can to take care of himself. However this is definitely a strain on our relationship right now.

Since August he has been casually seeing somebody, let's call her Patti. Every so often he'll fall into a pattern where she's coming over all the time. I don't have a problem with their relationship. I think that she is an important part of his support system. However during these times, he basically stopped talking to me completely. In the past I have pointed out this behavior to him and asked him to make a point to reach out and respond to communication. When I do he changes his behavior. But then time passes and it happens again. He is not very good at time management and that is an issue.

I'm getting tired of having to continually speak up about this issue. I am tired of feeling like relationship maintenance 100% on me while he deals with his mental health or school. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing all the work.

I feel like my only option right now is just to be patient. But I'm feel like I'm getting close to done. I don't want to be done. I want to make our relationship better, healthier.

Advice?
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It looks to me like you've got things in perspective and plenty enough on the go already. My advice would be to let this situation evolve naturally and be open to filling the gap with someone who requires less maintenance. Mind you, I should add that if your poly network is well integrated, others should be able to assist you with this too. Have you sought out their advice and assistance ( especially this Patti ) ?
 
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I'm in an LDR for 3 years and LDR is very HARD. Everything is easier in physical proximity.

I'd suggest that if it is a matter of a month, AND he is under stress right now, it isn't going to help your relationship for you to be bringing this up right now with exams due. Both of you and the relationship will be better off waiting for the month to pass.

Bringing it up with him now is going to force him to take his mind off immediate stresses to figure out how to deal with your upset and whatever he comes up with is unlikely to satisfy you if he doesn't have a lot of time and is inherently not very good at staying in touch. It will only add to frustration.

Better to simply hold the whole stick yourself and initiate conversation when you feel the need to speak to him. You are better at it. You'll have the freedom to do it when and in the manner most likely to satisfy you :)
 
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