Feeling Plain Stupid

[KatMeWow]

Via FaceBook I reconnected with a childhood friend. Although we resided in the same state, we were several miles apart. With the help of technology we began very close. After a whirlwind romance we married a year later moving into the home he shares with a maternal aunt. He and his aunt argue. She complains about me mostly behind my back. I don't see anything she and I have in common - apart from him. He and I are legally married. He and she argue like a married couple. Generally I am left out of their conversations because he accuses me of 'siding' with her AND explodes on me. The last time I told him NOT to put me in the middle & she agreed to the same.

Before we got married she/auntie appeared to be irritated by our public displays of affection. I suggested we put petting on ice in her presence. He agreed without much resistance. He admitted she shaves his back & routinely walks in on him in the bathroom. When her attitude/demeanor bordered on jealousy I confronted him. He said she had 'made sexual advances' toward him but he had "turned her down". After moving in together (prior to marriage) he spontaneously announced that he would NEVER marry in blatant contradiction to openness he expressed before I packed. Then he asked me to marry him the 1st time followed by excuses. He reasoned his aunt had been married multiple times none of the marriages happy & she had vowed to never marry again. I asked, "does that mean you two have some kind of pact or something"? He said "no". We broke up, got back together, he asked me to marry him 2 more times(1 confirmation of "yes") - we married - but she did not attend the ceremony (had to work[but calls out of work on a whim]).

Now that we are married, she has a serious boyfriend who has given her a diamond ring (but tells me she cannot marry him else alimony would cease. My husband tells me her/aunt's alimony has already ceased. She is more pre-occupied with her nephew than any other aunt I've witnessed in real life or fiction. I realize in some families members kiss on the lips, patriarchs are extremely controlling, and all I have is suspicion and circumstantial evidence. Tell tale scratches have begun to appear on my husband. Noticed the first two-weeks ago on his upper shoulder he claimed happened at work but there was no damage to or dirt on the shirt he wore. Last week he had a scratch on his stomach which he claims one of the house cats did but does not resemble RARE pet scratches of the past. Both scratches looked the same & appeared to me to be from fingernails. He NEVER calls her "aunt" only by her given name. Most times speaks to me as if I am some live-in concubine. Only he expects me to help him pay his bills, cook (& buy the food), and clean up after THEM . WTF?!? The man who missed me so much & wanted to help me/take care of me has disappeared - again .

There was a time before I recognized my own value & grew stronger emotionally that I considered poly. I had never been married, was alone, and was struggling financially. At the time I reconnected with my "friend" last year I was praying for a husband who shared my Catholic beliefs or alternatively that God would sustain/"keep me". Before marriage hubby agreed to be monogamous. But now I feel it is one of many lies uncovered. Since he suffered a head injury as a child he often chalks his lies up to forgetfulness and/or misspeaking. If I ask him a question, make an innocent comment, and/or suggest a solution to something THEY are complaining about (which there is always a grievance) I am shut down & demonized on every occasion. Poly would be one thing - had I agreed to it - which I DID NOT! Certainly not incest and poly all under the same roof.

I may never have 'proof'. My instincts tell me I'm right. What I'm looking for is SOME validation or invalidation . Wish someone could tell me "no proof no crime" and we could get on with our "happy" lives. Wish someone would say "it happens everyday get the hell out of there & stay away". Just say something. I can't tell my family - not yet, not without hard evidence. I just feel I am being defrauded and deceived.

 

[Inyourendo]

I never call aunts and uncles by their title, only by their first names. Sounds like she might have some unhealthy boundaries (is she a blood relative? ) and he allows it but that doesn't mean he's having sex with her. It makes complete financial sense to not get remarried if she's getting alimony, many people choose not to. If I were you ok would distance yourself from her. Don't invite her to your home, don't accept her invitations. Just because he's family with her doesn't mean that you have to have a relationship with her. I would also suggest counseling for yourself and him, either separate, a couple, or both. He needs to set healthy boundaries with his aunt an you seem to have a lot of trust issues, I think it's something you could both benefit from if you want to make this marriage work.

 

[SNeacail]

I never call aunts and uncles by their title, only by their first names. Sounds like she might have some unhealthy boundaries (is she a blood relative? ) and he allows it but that doesn't mean he's having sex with her. It makes complete financial sense to not get remarried if she's getting alimony, many people choose not to. If I were you ok would distance yourself from her. Don't invite her to your home, don't accept her invitations. Just because he's family with her doesn't mean that you have to have a relationship with her. I would also suggest counseling for yourself and him, either separate, a couple, or both. He needs to set healthy boundaries with his aunt an you seem to have a lot of trust issues, I think it's something you could both benefit from if you want to make this marriage work.

What Inyourendo said

 

[GalaGirl]

I could be wrong in my impression. But here's what I understand from the post. Correct me if I get the highlights wrong.

RECENT PAST

• You were not healthy last year.
• You were seeking a Catholic, monogamous man to take care of you.
• You connected online with old friend person.
  • There was some rocky stuff -- at least one break up, 2 failed marriage proposals, and then finally getting married one year after starting to talk online. (Which is FAST and whirlwind, IMHO. Was he love bombing you to hook you? )

PRESENT DAY

• Today you and he live with the aunt. She is overinvolved in his life and has weak personal boundaries. That he allows. (shaving his back, walking in on him in the bathroom, etc)
• He and his aunt fight and argue a lot, making your home life stress.
• This marriage is not what you expected now that the NRE is wearing off.
  • Hubby does not treat you like you would like to be treated as his wife.
  • Hubby lies and then blameshifts by citing childhood head injury, saying he "forgot" or "misspoke."
  • If you ask him a question, make an innocent comment, and/or suggest a solution to something he and his aunt are complaining about you are shut down & demonized by... him? Aunt? Both?
  • On top of that, you think your husband is having an incestuous, cheating affair with his aunt.

I agree with others -- get a counselor for yourself to help you at this time. This goes beyond internet people advice. I cannot tell if it goes into the land of abusing you verbally, emotionally or worse from the little bit you write on the post, but it certainly isn't sounding healthy and it makes me wonder. I am sorry you deal in this.

Could sort yourself out. And while sorting it out? Could consider stepping away from this weird living situation so you are not being constantly triggered by his treatment of you, his lies, his arguments with his aunt, his mystery scratches or whatever else.

Could you stay with a friend or your family? Are you able to support yourself and get an apartment?

It sounds like last year you were a better level of unhealthy. It wasn't healthy yet. But at least it was not stepping down into MORE unhealthy with the additional baggage of (husband + aunt weirdness!)

I hope you are able to return to a healthier, happier state over time. Sort things out one baby step at a time here.

GL!

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

I voted "only emotionally," but strongly considered "I don't know." I couldn't say "definitely tapping that" because "definitely," to me, implies proof, and I don't think we have proof (yet). The scratches are suspicious but only add up to circumstantial evidence.

Even if he's not "tapping that," it sounds like he has a dysfunctional relationship with his aunt, and I think it is unhealthy for you and him to live with her. If he won't move out with you, I'd suggest moving out without him -- at least separating for a time, deciding whether to divorce later.

It's a really strange situation, but what really concerns me is that I get the impression he's not quite being truthful with you. I would find it hard to stay married with someone I didn't think I could trust.

 

[WhatHappened]

Your gut is screaming that something is not right here.

One thing I finally understood with my cheating, lying, ex-husband, and later with my poly boyfriend, is that if my gut is screaming, and stories aren't adding up or making sense--there's something I'm not being told. There are are things being hidden from me. And I finally realized it doesn't really matter too much what is being hidden or lied about. The overall understanding that I'm in a relationship with someone who will withhold and lie, is what matters.

It's ultimately impossible to have any real relationship with someone like that, because you never know what's really going on, what's really true.

 

[WhatHappened]

I may never have 'proof'. My instincts tell me I'm right. What I'm looking for is SOME validation or invalidation . Wish someone could tell me "no proof no crime" and we could get on with our "happy" lives. Wish someone would say "it happens everyday get the hell out of there & stay away". Just say something. I can't tell my family - not yet, not without hard evidence. I just feel I am being defrauded and deceived.

I know the feeling well.

As I said in the previous post, I reached a point where I realized details and proof of those details didn't matter. I had proof XH lied. I had proof he was going to keep having relationships *of some sort* behind my back. I had enough evidence to finally convince ME he had no intention of changing, either.

In my case, my family thinks he's a saint. They've rallied behind him and are actually telling people in my church that I imagine things. I have simply had to come to the understanding that they didn't see what I saw, they weren't privy to our finances, they're dealing with their own messed up lives, and they weren't going to fix it for me if XH lost the house or give me a disease. So they say what they like, I spend my energy on people who see me for who I am. In the end, what mattered was to have enough evidence of his character and his intentions, that MY mind was at peace filing for divorce.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I voted "I don't know" because I have really no idea what is going on EXCEPT - it doesn't sound healthy (at least for you) and it doesn't sound poly (which would involve everyone being on board).

Rather than worrying about scratches and finding proof - I'd be worried about finances and finding an apartment (and a counselor). This is clearly not working well for you - it doesn't really matter why since he doesn't seem to be honestly interested in helping you look for solutions, so you look for your own solutions...

 

[KatMeWow]

Thanks

It is rare that I take the time to explain myself & someone pays attention to the details... I really was beginning to think it was only a "me" problem. But while she/aunt keeps her door closed ours is open to her day and yes night.

No way normal. No way healthy. Course of action not set, but so relieved to FINALLY have sympathetic ears.
For now we are seeking marital counseling/spiritual support group(s).

Thank God in heaven for you all. I mean that sincerely.

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"While she/aunt keeps her door closed ours is open to her day and yes night."

Ummm ... whose idea is it to keep your door open? Don't you at least have a right to privacy when you're well, having sex? I don't get it.

I'm thinking the aunt is very controlling, or your husband is very obedient to her, or both.