Feeling pushed to the side

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danieheartsu

New member
First off, good morning everyone. Secondly, I have an issue I am struggling to fix, get over or understand I guess. I am not quite sure how you would put it. So quick back story: Me+M and M+S became a triad with Me and S starting our relationship about 8 months ago. For awhile the going was good, we were growing together as a triad. Now, I am starting to feel like I am being pushed to the side. Me and M have been together for over 3 years and M+S a year. S&I have been having problems lately. She always puts me second, when ideally myself and M want all three of us to be a unit, to be treated equally an all aspects. Now, S and M kind of do their own thing and I am just there. Grant it, I am the outsider in general when it comes to compatibility. M and I are completely opposite people, whereas M and S have almost everything in common. It can get quite irritating sometimes actually. I feel like a person in a foreign land without any knowledge of the customs or language sometimes when we all three are together. I love them both for different reasons, but not one more than the other. I just don't know if I am making up situations in my head for feeling pushed aside, or if I have just cause for these feelings. Both of them say I am over reacting, which is making me feel completely crazy because I am a great observer and there are SOME instances where it really is happening. Has this ever happened to anyone and if so how did you deal with it?:(
 
First of all get equality out of your mind. No two relationships are ever going to be equal. Not in friendship, not within families, nor romantically, and etc. Relationships ebb and flow. Sometimes one person is in a better place than another that is just life.

Also stop the tit for tat stuff it will do nothing but destroy your relationship and push your partners away.

Perhaps s is not into you and is only playing along because s assumes this is a package deal. You know the configuration with the highest fail rate is the triad. Especially the forced triad.

My advice is you need to do some serious introspection. Stability, confidence, security come from within. No one can provide those things for you.
 
Dageri,
I have been feeling like S is just going along with it because she initially was in a relationship with M and M and I were already in a relationship where we were trying poly. We both agreed it is something that suits not only our relationship, but makes the most sense for us. This idea is completely new to S. I don't want to just automatically assume she is going along with it and I don't want to ask her either unless I know for 100% that this is the case. Like I said, I do love her, so I don't want her to think I am accusing her.

As far as getting equality out of the picture, I understand that no 2 loves will ever be the same or equal, but to me the way I view both M and S in relationship to me is equal. I do not put one above the other. Each relationship is vastly different, but in no way is one more important than the other. I do not think this is the case with S. For instance, it hurts my feels that even though S does not live with us officially, she is there 5-6 nights a week. M and I have separate bedrooms, but S lives in M's. She has told me that is where she is comfortable. All of her belongings are in there. It is all just so frustrating. M is stuck in the middle and I hate that. We have known each other 7 years, been together for over three so we know each other and I know that this is stressing her out big time. I just feel completely lost.
 
I think you have this back to front:

danieheartsu said:
I don't want to just automatically assume she is going along with it and I don't want to ask her either unless I know for 100% that this is the case. Like I said, I do love her, so I don't want her to think I am accusing her.
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You won't know 100% if she's feeling obliged to date you *unless* you ask. Asking doesn't have to be done in an accusatory way. I suspect from what you describe that maybe S's feelings for you are slightly less strong than your feelings for her, and that is indeed a problem (although not necessarily a deal-breaker - it just requires some adjustment of expectations your end). Note that I am not comparing the way she feels for you and the way she feels for your other partner - the important thing is only whether you and her are on the same level or not. That's how good triads get balance - not by every relationship getting the same treatment, but every individual dyad being aligned and getting the attention that they need. Of course, it would be much worse if she *is* only with you out of obligation. Maybe she started out with good intentions but realised along the way that the chemistry just wasn't there. These things happen sometimes. But if she does think you will veto her other relationship if the triad fails, then that's a huge incentive to string things out, and ultimately, will hurt all of you.

If I were in your shoes, I would feel terrible wondering if I'm only getting someone's attention because they want access to my other partner. To me, it would be better to go through the heartbreak of disappointment rather than to cling on in there, so I'd make it very clear to S that I was not part of a package deal with M - that she could date M without me if that was her preference. If she stays with you, then you'll know for sure that that is what she wants. If she gracefully absents herself, then you will get some closure. Of course, that requires that you actually *are* ok with that. Again, if I imagine being in your shoes, I think I'd find it too hard to actually be around the pair of them, so I'd ask that she not come over and stay at my home. M can go see her at her place. But it would be damn hard to suck up my disappointment. I'm not sure I could even be friends with someone after something like that, which would make being a metamour that much harder.

Anyway, as I say, my hunch is that she does want to be with you, and involved in a triad, but that maybe you and she are out of alignment in terms of how you feel about each other. You want more with her than she wants with you. Only you know if you can accept that or not.
 
I can only reiterate what the others have said. Relationships have to grow organically - you can't trim them, like a bonsai tree, into a desired shape or they will be forever stunted.

From Lotus's perspective, she is "dating" all three of us. Yet, those relationships do, and must, look very different. Because we are very different people with different relationship styles. Dude dives in feet-first - a whirlwind of passion and sex and emotional intimacy. I am flirty and sexually open but my emotions and feelings are closely held and guarded. MrS is open, relaxed and passive - he just enjoys being in close proximity to those he is drawn to but will never make an overt move, and the happiness of those he cares about is paramount to his own.

She struggles sometimes - she has never dated people that were involved with each other before. She worries that she should be "doing" something differently (other than being her own delightful, insightful, sexy self!). It helps that we all (including her husband TT) get along well as a group, and everyone wants what is happiest for their partner(s).

************

Short version. It helps to let go of your expectations, to not tie yourself to particular outcomes. You do NOT need to ride the "relationship escalator" in order to have a successful relationship. Their relationships are their concerns - your relationships are yours. If you are not getting your needs met in a particular relationship then you address that.
 
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Do you guys do everything as a trio, or do you get time alone with both of your partners? There's no reason you need to always be the three of you, especially if you start to feel a bit lost in the crowd.

I was in a comparable situation about 20 years ago. I was dating Jimmy, then Sonya joined our group of friends, and we both started dating her independently. We tried the triad thing, and it was hot for a year or so with things being fairly "even-steven." But ultimately, I fell in love with Sonya but not Jimmy, and Sonya fell in love with Jimmy but not me. Jimmy was in love with having two girlfriends, but was more compatible with Sonya :) Sonya spent time alone with each of us, Jimmy and I didn't spend much time alone together. I pretty much only slept with him during threesomes, then at night we'd sleep with Sonya in the middle.

I tried dating other people to "even things out," but I just wound up hurting them because I really wasn't emotionally available. I was using all my energy to try to be "equal" to Jimmy in Sonya's heart, and it was exhausting.

If I had it to do over again, I'd have been honest that I didn't want a relationship with Jimmy, and after the first year, I was sick to death of threesome sex. At that point, we might have done better as a "V" with Sonya as the hinge, but this was pre-internet and before any books about polyamory were out, and I didn't know that was an option. Ultimately, I bowed out of the relationship entirely and they got married.

I remember how painful it was, being in the middle of this love I wasn't wholly a part of. I sympathize with you. But people are going to feel what they feel, and be compatible with who they're compatible with. I wonder if I would've been ok with being Sonya's best friend and lover if I hadn't constantly been exposed to her interactions and much more romantic love for Jimmy. I don't know.

If you feel the dynamic of your triad shifting, it might be time for everyone to assess what and who they really want, and change the situation accordingly. Or, if your partners are telling you you're imagining things, maybe a little more one on one time with each of them would make you feel more bonded.
 
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This is so frustrating and disheartening. the more I hear from people, on here and in real life, that S is probably only seeing me because of M, the more real it is starting to look. :( Before all three of us decided to be a triad, everything was working smoothly. M and I were doing our own thing, dating other people. I do miss that. I miss coming home after a date and talking to her about it. I believe since we became a triad it has hindered our relationship, not helped it. I wish things could go back to the way they were sometimes, but I know that is almost impossible. We have a weekend trip scheduled for next weekend. I think I am going to see how that plays out before I decide what I am going to do. I know all 3 of us need to sit down and talk, but the thought of that terrifies me. The sad part is I don't know if I am more afraid of Losing S and it causing a complete break with both her and S, or if I am afraid that my issues won't be addressed at all. This has happened in the past and it is so frustrating.
 
I actually never said M would have to stop seeing S. I would never make her choose like that. I am afraid if things end between me and S I will also lose M.
 
nycindie said:
Why? Why would ending your relationship with S have that kind of effect on your other relationship? Is there some sort of weird agreement you guys all have between you that would require that to happen? I just don't see the logic in what you're saying.
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If the three of them do everything together, and the majority of their spare time is spent within the triad....OP is worried the potential hinge (I honestly can't keep track of initials, I wish they were names instead) might not want to give up time with one partner to be with the other. She's worried that instead of becomming a V with a hinge, they'll become a couple, without her. It's exactly the reason I stayed in my dysfunctional trio for so long. I assumed if I didn't want to spend much time with Jimmy, I wouldn't get much time and energy from Sonya, who was fairly wrapped up in him. I knew if I stepped out of the triad but stayed in a relationship with Sonya, I would have to accept being "secondary" to their "primary." Also, my whole social life revolved around the three of us. I had no friends that weren't friends with Jimmy and Sonya too, no hang-outs that weren't their hang-outs.

OP, you need to talk to your partners. I understand wanting to be prepared for worse-case scenarios, but things might not be as dire as you think.
 
LoveBunny said:
If the three of them do everything together, and the majority of their spare time is spent within the triad....OP is worried the potential hinge (I honestly can't keep track of initials, I wish they were names instead) might not want to give up time with one partner to be with the other. She's worried that instead of becomming a V with a hinge, they'll become a couple, without her. It's exactly the reason I stayed in my dysfunctional trio for so long.
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So basically, if the OP avoids talking about it and doesn't handle how things are going with S, out of fear of losing M, that is essentially the same kind of pretense that might be going on with S, if S is indeed halfheartedly staying in the relationship with the OP out of fear of losing M. Not a very honest nor stable triad, if that is the case.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

For instance, it hurts my feels that even though S does not live with us officially, she is there 5-6 nights a week. M and I have separate bedrooms, but S lives in M's. She has told me that is where she is comfortable. All of her belongings are in there. It is all just so frustrating. M is stuck in the middle and I hate that. We have known each other 7 years, been together for over three so we know each other and I know that this is stressing her out big time. I just feel completely lost.
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So.. you feel envy right now? You want want more of what M seems to have? Or that and jealousy?

(Jealousy is when you are afraid someone else will take what you have. Envy is when you covet what someone else has.)

You both date her. But you envy M, because S chose M's room as "home base" for the 5-6 nights a week she's over? You want her in your room 2 nights? Have you invited? And she's declined? I am not clear on that bit exactly.

I am also not clear on what kind of triad triangle this is.

  • You sound like you want to practice a "co-primary" triad that is Open, so you can also date other people.
  • M sounds like M wants to practice a ("co-primary" or "primary-secondary") triad that is (Open or Closed?)
  • S sounds like S wants to practice a "primary-secondary" triad style that is (Open or Closed?)

Are you three in agreement what kind of triad this is? Open? Closed? Primary-secondary? Co-primary?

I'm not hearing that you guys calibrated on that. Could some of the upset be from people not being on the same page as to what model you are trying to practice together here? And then everyone working with different expectations leading to friction?

Maybe you want to take some time to calibrate and clear all that up? And if things worked out better as "V" -- are you willing and able to say so?

Like...

"Ok, tried the triad thing for X months. Not working out for me. I prefer to return to a V"​

and let M and S know where you currently stand?


I know all 3 of us need to sit down and talk, but the thought of that terrifies me.
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What do you most need help with so you can have this talk without fear?

I am hearing these concerns:

  • I am afraid breaking up with S. And rather than it going back to the old V, it could lead to (S+M) both breaking up with me.
  • I am afraid that I will bring up my issues and (M and/or S) won't be willing to address my concerns at all and help problem solve.

Both of those are "doom thinking" -- like you are trying to talk yourself OUT of having a needed conversation.

I get that it is uncomfortable and you are scared to talk to them because in the past it wasn't getting through and you got frustrated.

Did you need help figuring out HOW to say it?

However it is you do it, I think speaking your honest truth is best path. If oral communication is too hard, then written out as a letter. Get it out there one way or another and make where you stand known. Keep it simple.

  • If a triad, the type of triad you like best is (Co-primary triad, Open to dating other people.)
  • If that does not line up for all 3, then returning to an Open "V" model is your preference.

Then sort it out from there with them. What does M and S each want at this time? What lines up?

Galagirl
 
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Danieheartsu, may I call you Dani?

Can you assign nicknames to M and S? Also, just curious for clarity of picturing you all, do you prefer him or her (or them or zi, or...) for yourself as a pronoun? And what do M(ary? Mike?) and S(ally? Sam?) prefer?

I think it would help all of us readers to have nicknames for your partners. Thanks!
 
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