Feeling Shaken by Something My Husband Said…

[JesJen]

Thank you to everyone who’s been asking thoughtful, constructive questions.

So… my curiosity got the better of me, and I ended up looking at his messages. What I found really shook me. He was bragging to his best friend about his girlfriend in a way that felt incredibly crude. He said something like “best pussy I ever had.” That alone was painful enough to read. I also looked at his girlfriend’s social media. It’s private, but I was able to see a photo of the two of them together. In the picture, he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. That image has been stuck in my head ever since.

It was just a lot to take in, and we ended up having a serious conversation. He admitted he’s currently very taken with her, and that sex with her feels better to him physically. He was quick to say it doesn’t mean our sex is bad or that he doesn’t still desire me. Of course, that still hurt to hear. But strangely, I think I can live with it as long as we stay emotionally grounded and connected.

Now, about the ring. He told me his girlfriend prefers that he not wear it when they go out together because she doesn’t want people to assume they’re married or think she’s someone’s mistress. She believes this is completely normal in polyamorous relationships. But to be honest, that doesn't sit right with me. Is that true? Is it actually common in polyamory for a married person to take off their ring for the comfort of another partner?

I’m hurting right now. Hearing the intimate details of his sex life with someone else and knowing he spoke about it so bluntly with a friend makes me feel exposed and humiliated. I’m also struggling with insecurity. I know I can’t compete with a younger body that hasn’t gone through childbirth. But more than anything, I feel deeply unsettled by the idea that another woman is asking or expecting my husband to remove a symbol of our marriage. I need help making sense of all this and figuring out how to process these feelings.

 

[kdt26417]

I don't know how common it is (in polyamory) to remove one's wedding ring when on a date with someone else. My best guess is it's probably not that common, but also not totally unheard-of. The bottom line is, it should only be done if it works for all the participants, and in this case it does not work for you. In the meantime, your husband is getting totally carried away with this other woman, doing whatever she wants, and letting his true colors show. It is too late for him to unsay things he has said, and I shudder to think how he would respond if you asked him to keep that ring on.

 

[Tinwen]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I think this is one of those situations where there really isn't an easy answer, and the conversations must go on and feelings must be processed.

Symbols have a way of getting to us. But at the same time, their meaning is not fixed. Since the ring was exchanged to signify monogamous marriage vows, I wonder if its meaning to both of you needs to be redefined, now that the relationship structure has changed. Maybe what it means to be married to each other in a now-polyamorous context will need to be refined and redefined. Such a redefinition is not going to be quick [or even explicit], but hopefully, you can find ways to reconnect with your husband.
I think the important thing to remember is that neither person (including the gf) is a villain for having their preferences.

 

[dingedheart]

Jen, thanks for the update. Whatever information you share helps fill in the picture.

Because no one has asked yet, is there an agreement or open policy to look at each other's messages?

Kevin:

The bottom line is, it should only be done if it works for all the participants, and in this case it does not work for you.

What about my body, my choice, and each dyad is separate and stands alone?

I know many guys that retired wearing wedding rings after being poly-bombed, specifically because the vows, the foundational basis, or whatever, was now dramatically altered. Some retired their rings as part of a detangling program. Let’s not forget (as mentioned) how the outside world/larger mono society takes cues off such symbols. It’s actually antithetical to the goal or purpose of an open marriage.

Tinwen:

Since the ring was exchanged to signify monogamous marriage vows, I wonder if its meaning to both of you needs to be redefined, now that the relationship structure has changed. Maybe what it means to be married to each other in a now-polyamorous context will need to be refined and redefined.

YES. Still unclear as to the educational process on both ends of this there was before opening the marriage. But now might be the time to sort through, learn the old marriage is dead, grieve the loss, and start thinking how the new one relationship(s) are going to be built.

 

[MoPoly]

It seems to me that at the heart of this is that @JesJen feels that she doesn’t fully know her husband in the way she thought she did. This naturally brings up questions as to ‘what else does he think that I don’t know’ and ‘what does he really think about me’. So it’s introduced insecurity about being loved and this is heightened by the ring absence.

It’s tricky. Comments like a “perfect box” /“perfect pussy” can be degrading - depending on the context - but would you have reacted differently if he’d said “perfect tits” or would only date women with “huge tits”/“tiny tits” etc. I think the biggest hurt is that by him talking about “perfect” it creates a world in which something is “not perfect” and as you’ve never been described as “perfect” you’ve assumed he sees you as “not perfect”.

I wonder about your depth of communication overall. It sounds as if you’ve not told him how you hurt you feel about this when you’ve discussed it, and he’s not been able to reassure you. The fact that it surprised you that he talked in that way, and that he was hesitant about doing so, also suggests areas of yourselves that are hidden and not spoken about. Perhaps he occasionally gets off on talking dirty or fantasising but doesn’t express it to you - this may be something he explores with his gf(s) and bragged about to his mate.

On a purely practical level, while as Magdlyn pointed out, vaginas are very elastic and don’t fundamentally change after childbirth. However the pelvic muscles around them can become weaker with time. Here in the U.K. a lot of women use a Kegel8 electronic pelvic toner to strengthen the muscles again and they can make a big difference to how vaginas are experienced, in a short space of time.

But ultimately this sounds to me like a communication issue about how deep the love between you is felt. Do you feel able to open up and show your hurt and vulnerability and will he reassure you tenderly or react with ‘you’re being silly’ sort of stuff? Does he feel able to express himself without shocking you? I think if you both attend to this and reestablish a firm loving foundation between you, based on openness, trust and honesty, that the other stuff will be easier to handle. (Like the ring removal which can be read both ways. I totally get that the gf might not want people to assume she was married to him - whereas you’re reading that he’s hiding being married from you.) Really this all hinges on how receptive he is to a deeper discussion around your feelings.