Feeling Shaken by Something My Husband Said…

[JesJen]

My husband and I have been married for ten years, and we have three amazing kids together.

A few years back, I found myself in a situation that made me realize I was genuinely interested in exploring a polyamorous lifestyle. That initial connection didn’t last, but it opened the door for me. Since then, I’ve dated on and off, though, between work and being a mom, it’s not always easy to find the time or energy.

My husband, on the other hand, did start seeing someone, and things between them seem to be going really well. I won’t lie, seeing him all giddy and in that “puppy love” phase with someone else has been a little tough at times. But overall, I truly want him to be happy, and most of the time I feel good about everything we’re building.

As their relationship has gotten more serious, we’ve been having some deeper conversations about what might come next. During one of those chats, I asked a hypothetical question, just a random “what if” about whether he’d ever consider having children with his girlfriend. I didn’t have any reason to believe she wanted kids or anything like that. I was just exploring possibilities.

His response really threw me. He immediately said, “That will never happen,” and the way he answered felt dismissive and weirdly evasive. I pushed a little (probably more than I should have), and eventually he asked if I really wanted to know the truth. I said yes.

What he told me completely floored me. He said, in so many words, that he wouldn’t want to have kids with her because it would “ruin her perfect box,” and that if he’s going to have a girlfriend on the side, he wants one with a “nice box.”

At first, I didn’t even fully understand what he meant. But once I did, I felt sick. I was honestly horrified. I’ve never seen this side of him before, and it made me feel incredibly small and shallow in his eyes. I mean, I’ve carried and birthed three children (his children) and to hear him speak about a woman’s body in that way just broke something in me.

We’ve always talked about polyamory as a way to experience different kinds of connections-- emotional, sexual, intellectual. And I was totally on board with that. But hearing how he thinks about this woman, and women in general, made me feel like I don’t even know who he is. I asked him if he’d ever date someone who already had kids, and he flat-out said “not a chance.” It just feels like he’s approaching this in such a shallow and superficial way.

I wasn’t expecting this to be one of the emotional hurdles in polyamory. I thought I was prepared for jealousy or insecurity, but this feels different. It feels like I’m suddenly seeing his values in a new (and honestly, unflattering) light.

Now I’m stuck with this question: do I just let it go and move forward? Or do I confront this further, maybe even tell his girlfriend that he’s basically reducing her to a body part? I don’t want to stir up drama, but I also don’t want to feel like I’m complicit in something that feels kind of gross and disrespectful.

 

[Evie]

Wow, what a hell of a thing to say. I bet you're feeling really hurt regarding the implications of that after your three children. I'm so sorry you felt small and shallow; may I suggest that you turned that inward in the moment rather than wanting to see him as the small, shallow person that he just showed you. I notice you go on to say you do recognise that this approach to having a girlfriend is shallow, superficial and unflattering.

In your shoes, I wouldn't contact the gf though, hell, they may already have this out in the open between them. They may even play on it as a kink. But either way, not your circus, not your monkeys.

However, what you may want to consider is how to parent your children so his attitude towards women's "boxes" doesn't infiltrate their attitudes towards sex and either their bodies or their partners' bodies (when they are old enough to be learning about sex).

 

[dingedheart]

Hi JJ and welcome to the forum.

My husband and I have been married for ten years, and we have three amazing kids together. A few years back, I found myself in a situation that made me realize I was genuinely interested in exploring a polyamorous lifestyle. That initial connection didn’t last, but it opened the door for me. Since then, I’ve dated on and off though, between work and being a mom, it’s not always easy to find the time or energy.

So you’ve been dating on and off for the last 2-3 yrs?
Did you do any research on polyamory or ENM before jumping in the pool?
How did your husband react to this interest/desire to change your romantic dynamic?
Was he excited, encouraging and enthusiastic, or reluctant and resistant?

My husband, on the other hand, did start seeing someone, and things between them seem to be going really well. I won’t lie, seeing him all giddy and in that “puppy love” phase with someone else has been a little tough at times. But overall, I truly want him to be happy, and most of the time I feel good about everything we’re building.

Is this fairly recently from when you started dating?
Did it take him longer to find someone or did it take him a while to get in the right head space?
What, if any research, self-education did he do surrounding the change in your romantic dynamic?

As their relationship has gotten more serious, we’ve been having some deeper conversations about what might come next. During one of those chats, I asked a hypothetical question, just a random “what if” about whether he’d ever consider having children with his girlfriend. I didn’t have any reason to believe she wants kids or anything like that, I was just exploring possibilities.

His response really threw me. He immediately said, “that will never happen,” and the way he answered felt dismissive and weirdly evasive. I pushed a little (probably more than I should have), and eventually he asked if I really wanted to know the truth. I said yes.

A lesson that everyone ends up learning in poly, is asking a question you’re not prepared to hear the answer to. Especially if the person you’re asking is blunt and to the point.

What he told me completely floored me. He said, in so many words, that he wouldn’t want to have kids with her because it would “ruin her perfect box,” and that if he’s going to have a girlfriend on the side, he wants one with a “nice box.”

Everyone has criteria and a wish list/physical standards. It is wrong to judge him for his. Some women won’t date men shorter than them, or guys with small dicks. Oh well, that’s their choice. How is this appreciably different?

At first I didn’t even fully understand what he meant but once I did, I felt sick. I was honestly horrified. I’ve never seen this side of him before, and it made me feel incredibly small and shallow in his eyes. I mean, I’ve carried and birthed three children (his children) and to hear him speak about a woman’s body in that way just broke something in me.

I’m not sure his comment can be extrapolated backwards to you. Ever go on vacation and rent a car you’d never buy just for fun? It’s got nothing to do with the car you’d never buy, got sitting in the garage back home.

We’ve always talked about polyamory as a way to experience different kinds of connection - emotional, sexual, intellectual, and I was totally on board with that. But hearing how he thinks about this woman, and women in general, made me feel like I don’t even know who he is. I asked him if he’d ever date someone who already had kids, and he flat-out said “not a chance.” It just feels like he’s approaching this in such a shallow and superficial way.

And that’s possibly true, but who gets to decide the "right" approach? I’ve talked many a guy on here that had said after sitting around holding down the fort, feeling like safe boring paycheck, that something snaps. “Fuck it. I’m not going to sit around being the dutiful husband." I’m not saying this applies to your husband, just saying lots of guys who have been poly-bombed in 10 plus yr marriage hang back, and then snap forward.

I wasn’t expecting this to be one of the emotional hurdles in polyamory. I thought I was prepared for jealousy or insecurity but this feels different. It feels like I’m suddenly seeing his values in a new (and honestly unflattering) light.

How so, if this isn’t directly about you?

Now I’m stuck with this question: do I just let it go and move forward? Or do I confront this further, maybe even tell his girlfriend that he’s basically reducing her to a body part? I don’t want to stir up drama, but I also don’t want to feel like I’m complicit in something that feels kind of gross and disrespectful.

I think any confrontation is only going stir up MAJOR DRAMA and end badly for everyone. That’s my guess.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello JesJen,

I can only imagine how hard it must be to hear your husband speak so poorly about having kids when the two of you already have three of them. I guess he sees a marital relationship as being fundamentally different than an extramarital relationship? Like maybe an extramarital relationship is just "for fun," while a marital relationship is all about duty and commitment? I'm just thinking out loud here, I have no idea what's really going on in his mind. He certainly has a different mindset than you had previously supposed, and I don't know if that means maybe divorce is in your future, you'll have to decide whether you can stand to stay married to this man in light of what you now know about him. As for whether you should inform his girlfriend about what he said to you, I'm not sure what to advise. Maybe you should start by getting a more clear and detailed picture of what's really going on in his mind. If you can stomach hearing more from him about it, that is.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm not sure why your husband has this idea that pregnancy ruins a vagina. Also, I am an older person and I have dated a lot of men (being polyamorous), and I have never had a guy refer to a vagina as a "box" in my presence. lol. I mean, I know it's one of the nicknames, but why would he say that phrase to you-- "perfect box"? Does he normally call it a box?

Anyway, for fertile women reading this who plan to get pregnant or have recently had a child, pregnancy does not ruin your vagina, or even affect it much long term. The hormones present during pregnancy and labor work to make our pelvic ligaments and tissues nice and stretchy. This allows the baby to be born, hopefully without any tearing of tissues, or at least to keep them to a minimum. This allows the baby to fit through the vagina at all.

Even non-pregnant vaginas expand and contract wonderfully. They can grip a finger or tampon tightly; they can expand to take a large penis or toy. They are also made of muscle. Having regular sex works out your vagina and keeps it in shape, just like exercising your legs by walking will firm up your thighs and calves. If you're not having sex much during your third trimester, and not having sex at all in the immediate post-partum period, doing Kegel exercises will help to tone your vaginal muscles, reducing pain.

If your birth was traumatic and you are experiencing pain past the first six weeks, there are physical therapists who specialize in pelvic floor issues, who can help get things back in order down there. But the huge huge majority of women who give birth have their vaginas and vulvas return to the pre-pregnancy shape without the need for any extra work.

Now, your breasts and belly might change more. You might end up with stretch marks. But they usually fade over time. Pregnancy can change our figures, making them more curvy and womanly, less maiden-like. But tiny petite women often return to being tiny and petite between pregnancies. Muscle tone depends on genetics and exercise.

Personally, I was an AA cup before my first pregnancy at age 29. My breasts expanded to Ds during pregnancy and remained that way after my last child weaned, even after I lost the pregnancy weight. I didn't mind that a bit.

My bf doesn't call my nether region a "perfect box," but sometimes he says I have a magical vagina... I have had three children, one c-section and two vaginal births. I've never had any complaints about my vulva or vagina. She has served me and my partners well. lol

JesJen, I am sorry your husband has these strange misconceptions about how pregnancy affects the size and shape of vaginas. If my words aren't enough, here is an article about it.

Changes to Your Vagina After Birth

www.whattoexpect.com

 

[Tinwen]

I've been sitting on this a bit, but I'm not sure what to think.

On the one hand, I feel you very much. It's probably going to be hard to feel loved and cherished with him now, if he implied that he views your body as 'ruined'.

On the other hand... somehow, he has trusted you with a hard truth about himself. He knows it's inappropriate to talk about it (that's why you never knew), and possibly he has a lot of shame around it.

If he's been a decent partner so far, chances are this view of sex isn't all of his views on sex and relationships. It's probably also not the only thing he appreciates about his gf. Hopefully, with some distance in time or more talking this could click as just one puzzle piece in the tapestry of his personality and not stand out as much as the first time you found it. You will know it's there, but maybe you will also see it's neighbors: whether it's coming from his upbringing, from a hurt place, or whether this is just his own concentrated version of an objectifying sexdrive which is to some extent present in all of us.

As for his gf, she should probably know that he never plans on having kids with her (not necessarily why), but I'm not sure it's your place to tell her. Hopefully he did/will do so soon.

 

[Juan234]

A lesson that everyone ends up learning in poly, is asking a question you’re not prepared to hear the answer to, especially if the person you’re asking is blunt and to the point.

Everyone has criteria and a wish list/physical standards. It is wrong to judge him for his. Some women won’t date men shorter than them, or guys with small dicks. Oh well, that’s their choice. How is this appreciably different?

I’m not sure his comment can be extrapolated backwards to you. Ever go on vacation and rent a car you’d never buy just for fun? It’s got nothing to do with the car you’d never buy, got sitting in the garage back home.

I think any confrontation is only going stir up MAJOR DRAMA and end badly for everyone. That’s my guess.

Great responses, Dingedheart.

——-
He could just be a cockman, or…

If his response hurt you, you may want to inquire which of your responses in turn hurt him when you talked about your prior poly relationship. I say this because he may have heard you be brutally honest before and then thought that is how it goes, a sort of “gloves-off” approach. If so, it is a great opportunity for healing, discovery, and growth as a primary committed couple. For example, his having kids with you can be interpreted as how much he loves you.

If he said he wanted kids with her, would that have been better?

If he wanted a vagina that had more than three kids through it, would that have been better?

Deep down, is what really hurts that he is in a working secondary relationship and you are not?

A vagina relaxes after an orgasm. Some men prefer that. Such men may have big penises and lots of confidence. Does your primary lack those? If so, what is a cheaper band-aid for him, a small box or a big truck?

Who was first in suggesting an open relationship?

I am just looking at different angles to see what we, or you, may be missing. But until you answer, we can never know. I look forward to your response.

I hope your heart can mend, and that through communication with your primary you can continue on your discovery journey stronger.

 

[JesJen]

Okay, Wow. Thank you all so much for the kind responses and support.

There’s been a lot to take in, and I’m still processing everything, but I’ll do my best to respond to some of the questions.

When I started exploring polyamory, I was already developing an emotionally romantic connection with someone. After that relationship fizzled out, I gave online dating a try, but honestly, I found it draining and, at times, pretty disappointing. Most of the men I came across seemed to be looking for just one thing. And being a mom of three, I’m juggling so much already. I just don’t have the bandwidth for that kind of emotional labor.

I suggested an open relationship because I needed space to explore some of the feelings I was having. My husband was hesitant at first, but he agreed on the condition that he could look for a connection too. He jumped into online dating pretty quickly, and to no one’s surprise, it worked out for him fast. He’s handsome, well-dressed, and successful, so I always assumed it wouldn’t take long for him to meet someone and sure enough, he did. I’m truly okay with that.

As for the penis size and confidence questions that came up, he’s average, maybe on the large side thereof, which is actually what I prefer, and I’ve never had any complaints in that area. He’s always been confident, charming, and a generous lover.

He’s also never voiced any complaints about me. That said, he never really gave over-the-top compliments either, not even before we had kids. Of course, my body has changed since having our children, but he never made me feel undesirable, or like his pleasure had drastically shifted. Like any couple with kids, we’ve gone through the usual challenges like fatigue and less time together, but nothing that felt alarming.

So to hear what he said really hit me out of nowhere. It was the last thing I expected, and it’s made me question how he truly feels about my body and our sex life. It’s honestly left me spiraling a bit, thinking back over so many memories and conversations.

Divorce, however, is not on the table. I’m not going to throw away my marriage or everything we’ve built over something like this. I’ve always known he can be a little superficial, and I came to terms with that long ago.

He could just be a cockman, or…

If his response hurt you, you may want to inquire which of your responses in turn hurt him when you talked about your prior poly relationship. I say this because he may have heard you be brutally honest before, and then thought that is how it goes, a sort of “gloves off” approach. If so, it is a great opportunity for healing, discovery, and growth as a primary committed couple. For example, his having kids with you can be interpreted as how much he loves you.

I don't think I’ve hurt my husband in a similar way with anything I’ve said. He was a little hurt when I first brought up the idea of polyamory, but we talked it through and were able to work past it together.

If he said he wanted kids with her, would that have been better?

If I’m being honest, I think deep down I wanted him to say that he’d never want children with anyone but me. So in a way, I guess I did get the answer I was hoping for, just not for the reasons I wanted.

If he wanted a vagina that had more than three kids through it, would that have been better?

That wasn’t even what we were talking about at the time. The conversation was about having children, and when he brought up the whole vagina preference thing, I didn’t know how to respond. I kind of laughed it off in the moment, but now that I’ve had time to sit with it, the weight of what he said is really starting to sink in.

Deep down, is what really hurts that he is in a working secondary relationship and you are not?

There might be something to that. It’s worth sitting with and exploring more.

 

[Magdlyn]

JesJen, would you mind answering my questions above, when you get a chance?

You adding that he is somewhat superficial adds some insight.

He is careful about his appearance. Good for business, good for dating. Maybe he places a lot of value on other's appearances too, even their "boxes"?

I don't mean to imply that there isn't a difference in the size and shape of women's vulvas, maybe their vaginas too, although one can't normally see that. I've been inside 4 actual vaginas, including my own; they've felt more or less the same to my fingers. But, sure, labia, clitorises, fat deposits, hair (color, texture, quantity), color of skin, fragrance, degree of wetness, all those are quite individualistic, like our faces.

One person's idea of "perfect box" will not be the same as another person's preference. I've been with several men who I would say had "perfect," or more accurately, "fantastic" penises, but they actually varied a lot in size and shape.

I know some women can lose a lot of tone and actually experience uterine prolapse, but that's rather rare.

I wonder if your husband has a bunch of guys at work, who go to the gym or the bars or the golf course to "network," and your husband has bragged about his younger (never a mother) gf, that his wife "lets him fuck," and how she has a "perfect" box, body, tits, legs, ass, etc. "Box" seems like a word guys would use among themselves, not a word they'd use with their dating partners to describe that area when talking to them.

 

[Tinwen]

I've learned there is a lot of variation between what is "guys talk" in different environments. What was normal for my first bf and his friends sharing at a technical college would be considered rude or derogatory among guys with higher education or a more refined cultural background. There was definitely a superficial and vulgar element of admiring looks, imagining and referring to sexual poses, etc., so when I heard some of the phrases my then boyfriend perceived as normal, I was shocked at first.

However, I met the guys a few times. They were kind at large and didn't make me feel disrespected, even during more vulgar parts of conversation. There was also a weird freedom (for me at the time), when porn was just a normal thing, and attraction and sex, including the superficial parts, was something you could freely talk about. I actually came to like the group.

I would not get hung up on someone using "box." Guy talk is not all bad.

 

[Magdlyn]

I've learned there is a lot of variation between what is "guys talk" in different environments. What was normal for my first bf and his friends sharing at a technical college would be considered rude or derogatory among guys with higher education or a more refined cultural background. There was definitely a superficial and vulgar element of admiring looks, imagining and referring to sexual poses, etc., so when I heard some of the phrases my then boyfriend perceived as normal, I was shocked at first.

However, I met the guys a few times. They were kind at large and didn't make me feel disrespected, even during more vulgar parts of conversation. There was also a weird freedom (for me at the time), when porn was just a normal thing, and attraction and sex, including the superficial parts, was something you could freely talk about. I actually came to like the group.

I would not get hung up on someone using "box." Guy talk is not all bad.

Are you addressing me in this post, Tinwen, as if I were hung up on the term "box," and think guy talk is "bad"? (I am non-binary. I have male traits. I am about as open about sex as a person can be without being addicted. I was identified as female at birth, but I believe many of the women in my family respond differently to the testosterone in our bodies. It's like we are more sensitive to it.)

Anyway, thanks for your explanation about different "classes" of men, in your experience, being more or less vulgar in their speech. I suppose that could be true. My bf went to technical high school for part of his educational career, didn't go to college, and he does not have a vulgar way of speaking. He was raised by strong black women... Probably would've gotten an "ass whooppin" if he ever spoke disrespectfully about them. His speech is more flowery and romantic than mine lol He angrily points out "toxic masculinity" when we see it on TV shows or movies, in fact.

I hope that JesJen will reply with her thoughts on how this whole "perfect" or even just a "nice box" thing came to be so important to her husband. Sadly, she has said her husband has never given her many compliments on her appearance, while at the same time being very careful with his own. And there seems to be an issue around having kids in her mind, wanting to be the only mother of his kids... I am just trying to break it down, but so far it's been hard to get to the crux of the matter.

I just can't wrap my mind around the idea her husband seems to have the childbirth "ruins a woman's box." It really doesn't!

 

[ref2018]

I just can't wrap my mind around the idea her husband seems to have the childbirth "ruins a woman's box." It really doesn't!

Unless you are Michelle Duggar.

 

[Tinwen]

Are you addressing me in this post, Tinwen, as if I were hung up on the term "box," and think guy talk is "bad"? (I am non-binary. I have male traits. I am about as open about sex as a person can be without being addicted. I was identified as female at birth, but I believe many of the women in my family respond differently to the testosterone in our bodies. It's like we are more sensitive to it.)

I was not addressing you, although I did react to the content of your post - but also I felt the same sentiment around the word itself came up already in the original post. I was just offering a way for the OP how to wrap her mind around her husband using such a possibly-disrespectful word. I did not in any way mean to imply you are not open or sex positive, lol.

 

[Magdlyn]

Unless you are Michelle Duggar.

haha
Some people have pelvic floors of steel.

 

[ref2018]

haha
Some people have pelvic floors of steel.

Michelle is not one of them though. Hers finally prolapsed.

 

[dingedheart]

I hope that JesJen will reply with her thoughts on how this whole "perfect" or even just a "nice box" thing came to be so important to her husband.

What difference is the how or why in this guy's personal choice or preference? It’s his belief and his opinion. Why isn’t that OK? Yeah, I get it. You think he’s wrong and crude for thinking it and articulating it in the manner he did. Oh well, again, to each his or her own.

Sadly, she has said her husband has never given her many compliments on her appearance, while at the same time being very careful with his own. And there seems to be an issue around having kids in her mind, wanting to be the only mother of his kids... I am just trying to break it down, but so far it's been hard to get to the crux of the matter.

What crux of the matter? She asked a question and he gave her an answer, one she was clearly not ready to receive.

I just can't wrap my mind around the idea her husband seems to have the childbirth "ruins a woman's box." It really doesn't!

Good for you. Run around and be “childbirth box“ advocate, spitting out stats on elasticity and muscle tension, etc. Why make this problem run deeper? According to Jesjen, there isn't or weren’t any real issues in their relationship or sex life, or so she noticed before. So why start something?

 

[Magdlyn]

Michelle is not one of them though. Hers finally prolapsed.

Well, we're talking 19 kids there. Jesjen has only had three.

I'm not taking any of this super-seriously, because I am sure Jesjen's vulva and vagina are lovely, and looking and feeling almost identical now to how they did before she had kids. I think there are several deeper issues than the perfection of "boxes."

 

[Magdlyn]

What difference is the how or why in this guy's personal choice or preference? It’s his belief and his opinion. Why isn’t that OK? Yeah, I get it. You think he’s wrong and crude for thinking it and articulating it in the manner he did. Oh well, again, to each his or her own.

You answered your own question, so I will leave it at that. I know you think I cut women more slack than I do men. I don't, but that is your iron-clad belief, and I am not going to disabuse you of that notion.

What crux of the matter? She asked a question and he gave her an answer, one she was clearly not ready to receive.

The crux is that she doesn't understand her husband now. What he said didn't sit well with her. She looked for a board to get advice on an unexpected outcome of exploring polyamory with her husband. She needs help. She said she feels she doesn't know who he is now, that he seemed "shallow and superficial," that he was reducing his gf (and [me extrapolating] maybe her, and maybe all women?) to a body part. His words made her feel "horrified," "sick" and "small."

She is seeing his values in a "new and unflattering light." Her title alone says she feels shaken.

Good for you. Run around and be “childbirth box“ advocate, spitting out stats on elasticity and muscle tension, etc.

I am not running around and spitting. This statement is unnecessarily disrespectful and sarcastic. You might want to check that.

Why make this problem run deeper? According to Jesjen, there isn't or weren’t any real issues in their relationship or sex life, or so she noticed before. So why start something?

I don't read where she said her relationship or sex life with her husband was previously devoid of issues. I read that she discovered she could love two at once, and I get that this probably was something they had to work out together. And now he's got a gf, but she doesn't feel she has much time or energy for dating.

To me, there is more here than just ideas about what childbirth does to a woman's "box." If you don't see it, that's fine. I personally prefer to dig a bit deeper when people have an issue in their love lives.

 

[dingedheart]

You answered your own question, so I will leave it at that.

I did? Ok then, tell me again why “we," meaning you, need to get to the crux of this?

I know you think I cut women more slack than I do men. I don't, but that is your iron-clad belief, and I am not going to disabuse you of that notion.

This right here is what I’m asking about your iron-clad belief you know what’s going on inside everyone’s head. To me, this has nothing to do with some male/female bias, but rather judging someone for an off-the-cuff comment on a preference. You’re arguing with his perception, belief and reality. You can tell him he’s wrong, you can show him he’s wrong, doing scientific testing, etc., but at the end of the day, his little head and big head disagree.

The crux is that she doesn't understand her husband now.

So now you’ve found the crux of the matter, because you said, "I am just trying to break it down, but so far it's been hard to get to the crux of the matter.“ I thought you were talking about his issues and beliefs.

What he said didn't sit well with her.

Yes, very much so.

She looked for a board to get advice on an unexpected outcome of exploring polyamory with her husband. She needs help. She said she feels she doesn't know who he is now, that he seemed "shallow and superficial," that he was reducing his gf (and [me extrapolating] maybe her, and maybe all women?) to a body part. His words made her feel "horrified," "sick" and "small."

That’s all very sad and unfortunate, and the only thing I would say is if this comment makes her question a 10-yr marriage, then the whole thing might be more shallow and superficial.

THOUGHT EXPERIMENT: If someone was poly bombed because their spouse caught feelings for someone else, and reluctantly agreed to open the marriage, and as a defense mechanism, or coping strategy, dating partner selection was based on more shallow criteria, is this really something that others can judge? Especially how it came about?

She is seeing his values in a "new and unflattering light." Her title alone says she feels shaken.

Is it values or a preference in a secondary partner?

I am not running around and spitting. This statement is unnecessarily disrespectful and sarcastic. You might want to check that.

The point was you can’t wrap your mind around some guy thinking that childbirth ruins a woman’s box, because this issue is so so deeply personal and deeply individual it doesn’t matter what anyone says. Plus I have a hard time checking sarcasm.

I don't read where she said her relationship or sex life with her husband was previously devoid of issues.

“But overall, I truly want him to be happy, and most of the time I feel good about everything we’re building.” Seems straight forward enough.

I read that she discovered she could love two at once, and I get that this probably was something they had to work out together. And now he's got a gf, but she doesn't feel she has much time or energy for dating.

To me, there is more here than just ideas about what childbirth does to a woman's "box." If you don't see it, that's fine. I personally prefer to dig a bit deeper when people have an issue in their love lives.

So, let me get this straight. Unlike most of the advice given here to dig deep into the root of what comment or behavior triggered you (the person having the bad emotional reaction), and then finding coping strategies and compartmentalizing techniques to feel better, BUT in this case let’s dig into the prick that made the comment. I thought it was nonviolent communication and everyone has to carry their own emotional bags?

And FOR THE RECORD, Jen hasn't actually said this was an issue in their love life. It might be now, as a reaction, but then the question would be how long has he been seeing Ms Perfectbox? A year? 2 yrs? All 3 yrs?

 

[Tinwen]

I just wonder if @JesJen comes back.