Feeling Unwanted/Boring

[theriversbend]

Hi all, very new here. Managing my polyamorous relationship of about a year now, partner and i together for nearly four altogether. I’m here seeking advice/help for someone feeling unwanted or boring when a new interest is more sexually active with my partner than I am even though mismatched libido is something we’ve dealt with for a long time. I’m just feeling a little helpless because it seems the energy is saved for this new interest and happens weekly, sometimes multiple days in a row and when it comes time for our intimacy either a lot of hoops have to be jumped through or it’s a little lackluster and they seem uninterested. This is really the only big hurdle we have faced recently and everything else has really been good as of recently. We have our ups and downs and are currently in couples therapy and it’s working wonders for us. Except I just feel really let down that we can’t seem to see eye to eye sexually even though we have gone through a million different ways to spice up our sex life, it just never seems enough or is never really executed because the urge is never there when we have time together. This is my nesting partner by the way so we spend a lot of time together for the most part. I’ve tried and listened to every single thing they’ve suggested to help get them in the mood but I am rejected a lot and it’s really weighing on me. I myself have an interest I have been talking to but intimacy with new people is really hard for me to achieve because I have a lot of trauma when it comes to being in that vulnerable of a state with new people. Me and this new person have talked about it and can get heated through text but agreed to take things slow in person, plus don’t have the best opportunities to really meet up and do that because our schedules don’t align smoothly. So most times my partner is the only one I feel comfortable with. I’m just really at a loss for solutions and could use some advice within the community.

 

[Token2]

I haven't been in your situation but I've thought about it. My partner has had a bit of a medically related dip in his libido, while mine is still burning.

I have no doubt a new girlfriend for him would re-ignite his spark.

I have a boyfriend/lover who has been helping keep my sexlife a little more active but he's had a bit of a libido decline too. I'm his only sexual partner right now and for nearly 2 years. Again I have no doubt he will also get a fresh rush with a new lady too.

But then I've had some fun passionate times with the boyfriend/lover and no doubt that pressed a button or 2 for my long-time partner.

I don't have any suggestions from personal experience to share but maybe remember that this isn't forever, if it's important to you you can keep looking for and find someone that lights you up sexually. It will just take time - and you may have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince/princess.

And their NRE will settle down but even if it doesn't that's part of their journey and as long as everyone is respectful and invested - everything will be ok.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi all,

Hi. I am adding nicknames to keep everyone straight.

I am very new here. I have been managing my polyamorous relationship for about a year now. My partner Bird and I have been together for nearly four years.

Welcome to the board!

I’m here seeking advice/help. I feel unwanted or boring when Bird's new interest is more sexually active with them than I am, even though mismatched libidos is something we’ve been dealing with for a long time.

How are your libidos mismatched? Is yours lower than Bird's? Has this always been a problem?

I’m just feeling a little helpless because it seems Bird's energy is saved for their new interest (Ant). They have sex weekly, sometimes multiple days in a row. When it comes time for our intimacy to happen, either a lot of hoops have to be jumped through or it’s a little lackluster and Bird seems uninterested.

It sounds like Bird is enjoying NRE (new relationship energy) with Ant, which is very common. This leads to the excitement of having sex with a new person. Maybe you and Bird had more frequent sex with each other for the first year or two? Or maybe not, if you struggle with trust, which impedes your free sexual expression. Could you clarify?

This is really the only big hurdle we have faced recently. Everything else has really been good. We have had our ups and downs. We are currently in couples therapy and it’s working wonders for us. However. I just feel really let down that we can’t seem to see eye to eye sexually. Even though we have gone through a million different ways to spice up our sex life, it just never seems to be enough or things are never really executed, because the urge is never there when we have time together.

Have you ever had good sex? What is different now, if it has gone downhill? What are the hoops that need to be jumped through? It sounds like you 2 have lost whatever sexual attraction you first had.

Bird is my nesting partner. We spend a lot of time together. I’ve tried and listened to every single thing they’ve suggested to help get Bird in the mood, but I am rejected a lot and it’s really weighing on me.

I am not sure what "every single thing" is that you have done. Do you and Bird ever go out on dates, or do you mostly just chill at home, do chores, maybe watch TV? Often, nesting couples forget to actually date each other.

Did you open your relationship a year ago to "spice things up"? Did that just make things worse?

I have an interest I have been talking to (Plant). However, intimacy with new people is really hard for me to achieve, because I have a lot of trauma when it comes to being in that vulnerable state with new people. Plant and I have talked about this. We can get heated while texting, but we have agreed to take things slow in person. We don’t have the best opportunities to really meet up and do that because our schedules don’t align smoothly. Most of the time, Bird is the only one I feel comfortable with.

I’m really at a loss and could use some advice from the community.

What is your goal? To continue doing polyamory with Bird? Or would you rather go back to monogamy and just improve your sex life? What does your therapist have to say about polyamory? How have things improved for you and Bird otherwise? Are you fine with Bird seeing Ant several times a week?

 

[GalaGirl]

Willing to go with different names if you want, but in the meanwhile, going with the anon names already suggested.

Is this a general partnered sex itch? Like either sex with Bird or sex with Plant would scratch the itch? Just not masturbating on your own?

Or is this specific to Bird? Like sharing sex with Plant woul be nice... but isn't gonna change anything -- because you want to share sex with Bird?

It sounds like poly hell. Where Bird might be taking the relationship with you for granted. Maybe that is something to read together. Or bring up in therapy -- navigating this NRE phase.

What's the counselor suggested so far?

we can’t seem to see eye to eye sexually

What does this mean? Bird wants to share sex with you once a month, and you want to share sex with Bird twice a week? What would be the minimum you could feel content with? And not just number. of times a week or month. but QUALITY of interaction?

it just never seems enough or is never really executed because the urge is never there when we have time together. This is my nesting partner by the way so we spend a lot of time together for the most part. I’ve tried and listened to every single thing they’ve suggested to help get them in the mood but I am rejected a lot and it’s really weighing on me.

Is it a case of too much togetherness? I know it can be hard to spend more time apart, esp if pandemic in your area is high.

Are you frequently the one who initiates? If all you get is lackluster results? Maybe it's ok to STOP initiating? And wait this NRE thing out. Like... it might still hurt Bird doesn't want to share sex right now, but it could reduce the hurt if you take a break from initiating. So then it's not coming with "all this effort for nothing!" feelings too. It can be more "Bird doesn't want to share sex right now. I get frustrated initiating with no responsiveness. So... I'm taking a break from initiating."

I’m just feeling a little helpless because it seems the energy is saved for this new interest and happens weekly, sometimes multiple days in a row and when it comes time for our intimacy either a lot of hoops have to be jumped through or it’s a little lackluster and they seem uninterested.

Could you please be willing to clarify? Bird is seeing the new interest weekly, sometimes multiple days in a row. That's dates. What they do on their dates in their business. Including sharing sex. Bird isn't coming back home and telling you about sex with Ant, right? It's enough to assume they share sex. It's a different thing if Bird is telling you each and every time. If Bird is telling you TMI details? Tell Bird to stop.

If this is the first attempt at poly? You really don't have benefit of past experience to comfort you. Like "He gets NRE crazy for the first ___ months, and then things return to normal" or something.

In the meanwhile... I get taking it slow with Plant. I get schedules not always aligning. But one gets comfortable over time spent together. Could make an effort to try to sort out schedules.

And I know it's not the same as partnered sex, but you might consider buying yourself a new toy or other product, and treat yourself to some fun masturbation to take the edge off.

Though its a bit better now, dealing with perimenopause (my side) and andropause (DH's side) and not being in the same page due to hormones being off and all sorts of stuff meant we went through this patch where sex was not happening or if it did happen? Was kinda meh to me. It was really frustrating til I remembered other patches in our history were we simply had to wait it out. Like patches in pregnancy, illness or surgery, grief, work stress, etc. that put sharing sex on the back burner. So here was this new patch. It was still frustrating, but with the new perspective/attitude along with taking care of my side with doc check ups and HRT? It got better eventually. You didn't mention ages or if there are other factors at play here. But may this is a "dealing with NRE patch" thing and waiting it out?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello theriversbend,

It sounds like your nesting partner is treating you somewhat unfairly, but maybe they can't help that. I don't doubt they are experiencing NRE with their new interest, which is probably inspiring them when it comes to sex with their new interest. Sometimes NRE helps with the original relationship, sometimes not. In this case, it sounds like your nesting partner has been lackluster toward you before they met their new interest. Their NRE with their new interest just shines a light on the sexual problems they were already causing with you. Does your couple's therapist have anything to say about those sexual problems? I know your relationship is great in every other way, but sex is a major issue in any relationship where sex is an expectation. Your couple's therapist should be addressing this issue.

How long has your nesting partner been treating you this way? Has it been like this for your entire relationship with them, or did they engage in frequent, high-quality sex with you in the beginning? Did they used to initiate sex with you, or have you always been the one who had to initiate? Was sex with them always meh? Was the urge ever there in the beginning? and if so, when did it start to wane? and did anything seem to coincide with that decline? The two of you spend a lot of time together, but do you ever date each other? I'm just asking questions in hopes of getting to the bottom of your nesting partner's behavior.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

Except I just feel really let down that we can’t seem to see eye to eye sexually even though we have gone through a million different ways to spice up our sex life, it just never seems enough or is never really executed because the urge is never there when we have time together ... I’ve tried and listened to every single thing they’ve suggested to help get them in the mood but I am rejected a lot and it’s really weighing on me

You've identified the mismatch, you've gone to what I take are great lengths to bridge the gap, and have gotten failure at every turn.

Currently the thing that appears out of place is your expectation. While you have ample evidence that there is a clear mismatch in your sexual interest in each other, you are still functioning under the expectation that the sex life issue will be / can be resolved. My advice would be to take a close look at this expectation and be realistic about whether or not it is aligned with actual reality.

Applying pressure to an aspect of a relationship that just isn't a match can cause some real resentment, and start to damage the aspects of the relationship that do actually match.