Hey all -- found this forum while searching for a community to reach out to. I am queer and nonbinary, have been polyamorous for decades now. 19 of those years has been spent with one of my current partners. Over the course of decades, we have had all sorts of lovers and partners, largely separately but very occasionally together. We have a long and strong history of communication and respecting each other's boundaries that has never been breeched before.
Most recently, we have ended up in an open triad with a woman. It has been going on for a year and a half. She is much less experienced in polyamory, but came to it herself prior to meeting us. First she met and became interested in my partner, which I encouraged and supported -- but then we ended up hitting it off too, so here we are all as partners.
About 5-6 months into the relationship, one of my foundational boundaries was crossed. I woke up earlier than the other two, went out to get a coffee because I was wrestling with some jealousy regarding cuddling in bed. I came home to them naked, just having stopped having sex because they heard me in the hallway. They had no idea how long I was going to be gone, and had actually realized that I had left my phone in the bed so had no way of communicating with them, and they still decided to have sex.
That is a really fundamental boundary that I have long since negotiated with my longer term partner and did bring up with the new one. I find it very isolating and alienating to be coming home interrupting sex. There are many other opportunities to have sex, and I also have brought up repeatedly that checking in with me while I am out (provided I have my phone) to see about timing and communicate is fine.
Needless to say, I did not handle it well. Truthfully, there are only a handful of things in my life that I have reacted to so badly. I left immediately, my longer-term partner came after me and I ended up screaming at him in the street. Eventually I calmed down enough to came home and spent quite a while angrily explaining clearly how hurtful that was and how it felt both disrespectful and the kind of trust breach caused my infidelity.
They owned up to it with minimal defensiveness and were very focused on how to reconnect and get me what I needed. In the weeks that followed, they both made efforts to reconnect and reassure. I, in turn, have tried to move on.
But here I find myself a year later, and honestly it's just not healed. Recently the newer partner left for a couple weeks to do a contract in another area an came back for the night, last night. This morning I found myself in a similar situation, I woke up earlier than everyone else. I ended up leaving the house because I needed to get some air, and I nearly didn't because I was so upset and convinced I would just be walking back into them having sex.
I had the opportunity to speak with my longer-term partner about it today. I would have spoken to them both, but the shorter-term partner just came down with a very bad cold and is out of her mind. With my longer-term partner -- all I could say was that I didn't know what to do but that I could not continue on as I am. Clearly it had not healed -- and I was at a loss. Honestly he was a champ about it -- again fully owning up to the breach, said he had been doing a lot of reading into infidelity, relationships, and particularly polyamorous relationships. He said he read it could take 6 months to years to heal, if ever. He hoped it would and said he understood if it ended up never being manageable for me. We talked a bit about why it happened -- how it wasn't a deliberate attempt to get around a boundary but a product of other things not worth enumerating here.
And I would like to get there. It's not like this was a deliberate affair with full knowledge of boundary breaking -- but my trust feels so broken and I feel constantly like an outsider now. For my shorter-term partner, it has just fully arrested the relationship. I own up to the fact that if it had just been me and her and something like this happened within six months of the relationship starting, I would have just ended it. She is benefitting from the longer relationship as I definitely want to at least try to repair that.
And I just don't know what to do now.
Most recently, we have ended up in an open triad with a woman. It has been going on for a year and a half. She is much less experienced in polyamory, but came to it herself prior to meeting us. First she met and became interested in my partner, which I encouraged and supported -- but then we ended up hitting it off too, so here we are all as partners.
About 5-6 months into the relationship, one of my foundational boundaries was crossed. I woke up earlier than the other two, went out to get a coffee because I was wrestling with some jealousy regarding cuddling in bed. I came home to them naked, just having stopped having sex because they heard me in the hallway. They had no idea how long I was going to be gone, and had actually realized that I had left my phone in the bed so had no way of communicating with them, and they still decided to have sex.
That is a really fundamental boundary that I have long since negotiated with my longer term partner and did bring up with the new one. I find it very isolating and alienating to be coming home interrupting sex. There are many other opportunities to have sex, and I also have brought up repeatedly that checking in with me while I am out (provided I have my phone) to see about timing and communicate is fine.
Needless to say, I did not handle it well. Truthfully, there are only a handful of things in my life that I have reacted to so badly. I left immediately, my longer-term partner came after me and I ended up screaming at him in the street. Eventually I calmed down enough to came home and spent quite a while angrily explaining clearly how hurtful that was and how it felt both disrespectful and the kind of trust breach caused my infidelity.
They owned up to it with minimal defensiveness and were very focused on how to reconnect and get me what I needed. In the weeks that followed, they both made efforts to reconnect and reassure. I, in turn, have tried to move on.
But here I find myself a year later, and honestly it's just not healed. Recently the newer partner left for a couple weeks to do a contract in another area an came back for the night, last night. This morning I found myself in a similar situation, I woke up earlier than everyone else. I ended up leaving the house because I needed to get some air, and I nearly didn't because I was so upset and convinced I would just be walking back into them having sex.
I had the opportunity to speak with my longer-term partner about it today. I would have spoken to them both, but the shorter-term partner just came down with a very bad cold and is out of her mind. With my longer-term partner -- all I could say was that I didn't know what to do but that I could not continue on as I am. Clearly it had not healed -- and I was at a loss. Honestly he was a champ about it -- again fully owning up to the breach, said he had been doing a lot of reading into infidelity, relationships, and particularly polyamorous relationships. He said he read it could take 6 months to years to heal, if ever. He hoped it would and said he understood if it ended up never being manageable for me. We talked a bit about why it happened -- how it wasn't a deliberate attempt to get around a boundary but a product of other things not worth enumerating here.
And I would like to get there. It's not like this was a deliberate affair with full knowledge of boundary breaking -- but my trust feels so broken and I feel constantly like an outsider now. For my shorter-term partner, it has just fully arrested the relationship. I own up to the fact that if it had just been me and her and something like this happened within six months of the relationship starting, I would have just ended it. She is benefitting from the longer relationship as I definitely want to at least try to repair that.
And I just don't know what to do now.