Feelings of infidelity

forrest

New member
Hey all -- found this forum while searching for a community to reach out to. I am queer and nonbinary, have been polyamorous for decades now. 19 of those years has been spent with one of my current partners. Over the course of decades, we have had all sorts of lovers and partners, largely separately but very occasionally together. We have a long and strong history of communication and respecting each other's boundaries that has never been breeched before.

Most recently, we have ended up in an open triad with a woman. It has been going on for a year and a half. She is much less experienced in polyamory, but came to it herself prior to meeting us. First she met and became interested in my partner, which I encouraged and supported -- but then we ended up hitting it off too, so here we are all as partners.

About 5-6 months into the relationship, one of my foundational boundaries was crossed. I woke up earlier than the other two, went out to get a coffee because I was wrestling with some jealousy regarding cuddling in bed. I came home to them naked, just having stopped having sex because they heard me in the hallway. They had no idea how long I was going to be gone, and had actually realized that I had left my phone in the bed so had no way of communicating with them, and they still decided to have sex.

That is a really fundamental boundary that I have long since negotiated with my longer term partner and did bring up with the new one. I find it very isolating and alienating to be coming home interrupting sex. There are many other opportunities to have sex, and I also have brought up repeatedly that checking in with me while I am out (provided I have my phone) to see about timing and communicate is fine.

Needless to say, I did not handle it well. Truthfully, there are only a handful of things in my life that I have reacted to so badly. I left immediately, my longer-term partner came after me and I ended up screaming at him in the street. Eventually I calmed down enough to came home and spent quite a while angrily explaining clearly how hurtful that was and how it felt both disrespectful and the kind of trust breach caused my infidelity.

They owned up to it with minimal defensiveness and were very focused on how to reconnect and get me what I needed. In the weeks that followed, they both made efforts to reconnect and reassure. I, in turn, have tried to move on.

But here I find myself a year later, and honestly it's just not healed. Recently the newer partner left for a couple weeks to do a contract in another area an came back for the night, last night. This morning I found myself in a similar situation, I woke up earlier than everyone else. I ended up leaving the house because I needed to get some air, and I nearly didn't because I was so upset and convinced I would just be walking back into them having sex.

I had the opportunity to speak with my longer-term partner about it today. I would have spoken to them both, but the shorter-term partner just came down with a very bad cold and is out of her mind. With my longer-term partner -- all I could say was that I didn't know what to do but that I could not continue on as I am. Clearly it had not healed -- and I was at a loss. Honestly he was a champ about it -- again fully owning up to the breach, said he had been doing a lot of reading into infidelity, relationships, and particularly polyamorous relationships. He said he read it could take 6 months to years to heal, if ever. He hoped it would and said he understood if it ended up never being manageable for me. We talked a bit about why it happened -- how it wasn't a deliberate attempt to get around a boundary but a product of other things not worth enumerating here.

And I would like to get there. It's not like this was a deliberate affair with full knowledge of boundary breaking -- but my trust feels so broken and I feel constantly like an outsider now. For my shorter-term partner, it has just fully arrested the relationship. I own up to the fact that if it had just been me and her and something like this happened within six months of the relationship starting, I would have just ended it. She is benefitting from the longer relationship as I definitely want to at least try to repair that.

And I just don't know what to do now.
 
I don't think it is reasonable that they'd have to keep checking in with you to see what time you're coming back.

I think it's more reasonable to say I'll be home at 7 and they make sure they're not having sex at that time.

I think you need to also get used to the idea that your partner(s) has/have sex with other people. It seems like you're not really okay with that
 
It's not a boundary if it's something you expect other people to adhere to, it's an agreement, or a rule. It sounds like you made an agreement that was fated to fail. By leaving your phone at home you (consciously or subconsciously) put yourself in the position of controlling their sex life. Not cool. You removed their ability to have spontaneous sex within the agreement and are now staying upset at them when it really does sound like it's inner work that needs doing, especially after a year.

If you've been polyamorous for decades, why is it such a big deal to walk into the house while your partners are having sex with each other? There's clearly some history here that you haven't written about (which is fine) beyond what was causing you to feel bad about the snuggling already.

I own up to the fact that if it had just been me and her and something like this happened within six months of the relationship starting, I would have just ended it. She is benefitting from the longer relationship as I definitely want to at least try to repair that.

Why do you want to repair it? You've said that over the years your (plural) other partners have been mostly separate. Why not break up with her and move into a V rather than a triad? How are *you* benefitting from the triad? It sounds like you've tried for 12 months and it's still not sitting well with you. So move on. Go date separately again.

And maybe explore with a poly friendly therapist why you set such an easy trap to spring in the first place.
 
Sigh fair enough.

Yeah, I don't care that they are having sex with other people. I know that cause of decades of doing this and either not caring or feeling compersion in other situations. I know this because they spent a lot of time in a cabin this week and I could care less. It's not an issue about caring about them having sex with each other or other people, it's an issue of walking in on it -- something that was brought up as an issue for me before (ergo why I called it a boundary) and we collectively agreed on because they both understand because, in their own words, they feel the same deep discomfort walking in on a partner having sex. They both agreed because they would feel the same way and it still happened. Typically we do give times to return for just this reason -- but that particular morning they were still asleep and I left for coffee. I couldn't find my phone before I left because it ended up being in the bed at their feet. I don't consider that an easy trap, just shitty circumstances.

Regarding screaming being called abusive -- given that both I and my partner come from abusive backgrounds, I can say rather definitively that getting to a point of upset that you're yelling is not inherently abusive. It is an extremely rare thing and nearly every other situation where there are feelings, including jealousy, is handled very differently. Do I think I was perfect in that situation? God no -- certainly the ideal situation is always being perfectly in control of your emotions and handling things neutrally to explain and receive reassurance. Missing that mark sometimes is human though.
 
And I just don't know what to do now.
What to do in order to begin trusting them again, or what to do if you feel that you will never trust them again? Or something else?

Also, since all three of you want the same agreement, I'd suggest a pad and pen in the bedroom for, "just doing a coffee run, back in 15 mins" notes to be left by anyone.
 
What to do to move beyond this feeling of distrust. I want to be able to trust them again and not feel this awful.

Standardization of notes is definitely a good idea. One difficult thing has been the severity of ADHD in one partner and difficulty they have tracking anything like that. But that is a problem to work around.
 
I am sorry you are struggling.

I don't know if it helps you think about things. I'm going to offer some questions. You do NOT have to answer any here. Just to help you reflect, ok?

What to do to move beyond this feeling of distrust. I want to be able to trust them again and not feel this awful.

Well... trust them to do WHAT exactly? If this was just shitty circumstances... what is the trust betrayal? People are not always perfect. You allow that grace for you screaming in the street. What makes it difficult to allow that grace for this where you walked in on sex?

What do you need to give yourself permission to take the risk in trusting them? And see nothing doom happens? Are you able to articulate what you need from from each?
  • you
  • longer term partner
  • newer partner
You seem to acknowledge nobody was trying to be mean or disrespectful. Just an unfortunate happening.

Just... could not reach you by phone and you didn't leave a note. So while that event was the catalyst...

Is the actual issue is deep grudge holding? Not feeling safe? Something else? What is the purpose of the agreement? Like... why's this agreement even in place? What does it even mean? Not that people want to bust in on others.

But is this actually about walking in on sex in the bedroom? An objection to walking in on sex in common areas like the kitchen or living room? Something else?

Say you do walk in... awkward. But why's it garner walking off and screaming fights in the street? Rather than "Oops! Awkward!" and just closing the door again?

What is getting triggered inside you so the emotional volume is THIS loud?

Seeing them share sex brings up rejection, abandonment, replacement, disregard? You don't have to say what your past abuse was here. But if 2 people sharing normal sex today transports you back to the past... where are you ending up?

Regarding screaming being called abusive -- given that both I and my partner come from abusive backgrounds, I can say rather definitively that getting to a point of upset that you're yelling is not inherently abusive.

What healing work did each of you do for your past abuse? Is some stuff incomplete?

If you have gone a year and no progress on your own, maybe it's ok to get a counselor's help? Whether for new stuff around agreements and rebuilding trust or incomplete old stuff or both?

I own up to the fact that if it had just been me and her and something like this happened within six months of the relationship starting, I would have just ended it. She is benefitting from the longer relationship as I definitely want to at least try to repair that.

Kinda wondering why not let it go then? And be a poly V instead of a triad?

Do some things become harder for you in triad that would not bother you in a V?

I ended up leaving the house because I needed to get some air, and I nearly didn't because I was so upset and convinced I would just be walking back into them having sex.

This is a NEW time. You were not able to do NEW actions? Wake someone up to tell you are going to get air? And that you are coming home by X o'clock? Or leave a note?

Like... I'm glad you went out this morning. But I don't get the helplessness and/or fearfulness that stops you from holding up your part the shared agreement.

Why's it all seem to be on them to guard you from witnessing them sharing sex so you can think/feel/do ____? Or so you can NOT think/feel/do ______? What goes in the blank spaces?

Is this a case where the agreement set people up to fail because it is not a rational or realistic agreement?

Whether this stays a triad or a V you have to deal with sex being shared in the home if their dyad continues. It sounds like you don't care if sex is being shared elsewhere because you are less likely to walk in on that.

Sounds like you need ideas.

If this is a shared agreement across all of you ... you ALL have to do your part to hold it up.

YOU CAN DO

  • If they agree... Wake someone up to tell where you are going.

  • If they agree... let them sleep but you lock the bedroom door before you leave for coffee so it is locked when you leave. Cuz if they get up, they easily can unlock it. And then they are not sharing sex because they are up to get the door. And if you get home and it is still locked? You aren't walking in on sex. It blocks you from entering the room til they open it.

  • Leave a note for where you are going and when you will get back. Dry erase marker on the bathroom mirror, a message board by the front door or in the kitchen, on the fridge -- whatever it is your household does for things like that.

  • Just ASSUME sex might be happening and behave accordingly?

ALL CAN DO
  • Anyone who is sharing sex... put a sock or scrunchie on the doorknob to make others aware not to bust in.
  • Lock the door.

OTHER
  • Separate bedrooms? So if you need things from your bedroom, you just get it. Cuz they aren't in there.
  • No more triads?
  • Something else?
If I can think of other ideas I'll try to post them.

I hope you all can sort this out.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Hello forrest,

It sounds like the best solution to your dilemma, is to leave (paper) notes when you leave, stating when you expect to get back. Like have a designated notepad in a specific place. You seem to understand that your partners didn't mean to hurt you, but on an emotional level you still feel hurt, and like you can't trust them.

It's been a year and you still can't forgive them, so there must be something deeper going on than just being upset over a one-time incident where they (unwittingly) crossed your boundary. Something is hitting you at a deeper level, perhaps summoning some kind of pain from your past. Do you have some pain in your past that could help explain this?

In the incident in question, you couldn't find your phone, so solving the problem via phones isn't really a good option. That's why I suggest a specific place (a dry erase board would work) where you can leave a note about when they should expect you to get back.

I don't think there was anything bad about the boundary in the first place (don't have sex when I will walk in on it), everybody has qualifications and arrangements that work for them. I just want to think of a way to make this boundary work for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with the others. We have been given no clue as to why 2 people, with whom you have sex, can't have sex with each other while you are gone, just in case you walk in on them having started having sex (without you). This is actually a rather unusual problem to be brought here.

You can't see, even for a few seconds, the 2 people you consider to be your sex/love partners, having sex with each other, which started when you left the house? What happens if you 3 are in bed in the morning, say, and you get up to pee, and the other 2 start to fool around while you're peeing? Or say you thought you had to just pee, but you realized you had to poop, and wash hands, and maybe brush your teeth while you're at it? Or feed the cat or whatever...? Are the other 2 supposed to just lie there, aroused, and wait and see if you're coming back for a threeway? Or get out of bed and ask you what you're doing? Or actually formally announce, "We want to have sex right now, come in now or stay out til we emerge -- decide now, or forever hold your peace!"

What if you change your mind? You tell them, "No, it's OK, I'm gonna have coffee and check my socials. Y'all go ahead." But then you HEAR them and realize, "Damn, that's hot, think I'll go in anyway." Do you have to stay out, or can you go in?

Anyway, this all sounds kind of awkward in general. OK, very awkward. There seems to be something really deep and hard going on with this one incident of you going out of the house and coming back in to hunt for your phone and they're going at it, and you getting to the point of screaming in the street at the time, and still needing apologies A YEAR LATER. My point is, why don't 2 of the 3 people have sex plenty of times when there's a chance the 3rd person might walk in and "catch them at it"? Especially since you seem to all be sharing a bedroom!

We have a female member on this board who has 2 male partners. They all live together, but the guys have separate bedrooms and they never do threeway sex. One time, she and one of the guys rashly decided to have sex in the living room, and the other guy came home unexpectedly and "caught them." It was just an "Oops! Sorry!" situation, where he turned around and gave them space to finish up.

More than once, when my gf and I were both in relationships with this one guy, she walked in on him and me doing it in the kitchen, and again, it was just an "Oops! haha, you guys enjoy yourself, I'm just getting a beer," type of thing. All casual-like.

So, again, your situation seems unusual...
 
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