Feelings of jealousy and inadequacy

N

Nova Chimera

New member
I have a problem that I'm really struggling with. My husband and I started a Poly relationship a few months ago. It's our first time doing such a thing. I've been struggling with feelings of jealousy and feeling inadequate in the relationship. I've been asked why I take my frustrations out on the third in the relationship, but I've never been able to pinpoint what the feeling is. I think I've finally got it figured out; she's the other woman. I know that I agreed to this in the first place, I'm even the one who started it. But there's been times, especially lately where I've been feeling jealous and inadequate. How do I get help with these feelings, so I can fix the damage I caused? I'm looking into therapy with someone who has experience in helping Polyamorus couples and people, but I'm hoping there's something I can start doing. I sincerely appreciate all help in this.
 
Hi and welcome.

Your main problems might be:

1. You and your husband started seeing another person too soon before doing enough research into how polyamory works. (Most formerly mono couples who make a success of polyamory do at least a year, if not two, of research before beginning to actually open up.)
2. You seem to think "polyamory" means "sharing a third" with your husband. This is actually not true. You can each date separately. He dates who he wants, you date who you want. You don't need to have threesome sex to be polyamorous. In fact, group sex like that is not at all the norm in polyamory, popular media to the contrary.

This is not your fault, for starting something you aren't handling well emotionally. It's the form you are trying to force yourselves into. Maybe you aren't as attracted to the woman as your husband is. Maybe she is more attracted to him than you. Maybe you are focusing too much on threeway dates and sex, and not getting to know each other well one-on-one.

Who is this woman? Was she a good friend of yours before you began the sexual or romantic exploration? What is the whole dynamic, actually? Once we know this, we can give more and better advice. You can get out of the self-blame stuff and onto breaking this down into pieces you can deal with, manage, and shape to suit your needs and desires.

Please see our Golden Nuggets section for lots of fantastic resources on polyamory-- books, articles, a podcast and links to archived threads of our own on pretty much every topic pertaining to polyamory. Also, just click on "What's New" to see current threads. You might relate to many of them.
 
We both decided to date the third together. We both wanted to date her. She's actually our roommate's 19 yr old step/daughter. We met her almost a year ago now. We talked about this with all 3 of us. I was the one who actually started sexual exploration with her, but we all ended up together. The dynamic is basically like a triangle, where we are all dating/ married to each other.
 
Ohh, she's 19? And how old are you and your husband?

What is behind your feelings of jealousy and inadequacy? Is it partially her being so young, so you think she's more appealing physically than you? Is she immature and too dependent? Are there conflicts in how attracted she is to you and to your husband?

How do you take your frustrations out on her?

Thinking of her as "the other woman" is a leftover from your monogamous programming, something we all go through. You're "bucking the system" and it's uncomfortable.

Also, perhaps she and your husband are undergoing "new relationship energy" (infatuation) (you can do a search here for the term or google it), and you're not feeling it much or at all.
 
I've been asked why I take my frustrations out on the third in the relationship, but I've never been able to pinpoint what the feeling is.
Click to expand...

What behavior are you doing? Who asked you this? Husband, teen, someone else?

I've been struggling with feelings of jealousy and feeling inadequate in the relationship.
Click to expand...

Is it that this teen is more into your husband than you? The legs of a triangle don't always develop in the same way. On the other hand, all sides don't have to be the same in order for the triangle to be stable.

We both decided to date the third together. We both wanted to date her. She's actually our roommate's 19-yr old stepdaughter.
Click to expand...

Everyone is different... but that would give me pause for several reasons.

  • Why are y'all dating a teenager? What are your ages? Is the age gap going to cause a power dynamic y'all didn't bargain on?
  • If your roomie, her parent, gets pissed you both are dating/sharing sex with their teen kid, and they stomp off and move out... will that put your housing at risk? How about your jobs, if the roomie raises a big stink? Friends? Social groups? Outs you to other relatives?
  • Why do both of you have to date the same person? Then it's like you both are competing with each other for the attention of the new person.
  • Why a triad (which is basically three Vs stacked up together), rather than you date someone, and husband dates someone else? Then it's a poly N -- two Vs, and neither of you is competing for the attention of the new person. You each have your own new persons.
  • In this exploring thing, is group sex included? That's not a requirement in polyamory. Some people like group sex only, some like polyamory, some like both. But if there is a group sex component here, are you prepared to see those two sexually interacting? Does it change how you feel about yourself, your husband, the teen?
  • Are you and your husband continuing to date each other, or has this been neglected because one or both are feeling NRE for the teen? Is the teen feeling NRE for one or both of you? Are there too many group dates and not enough 1:1 dates?
  • Any poly hell stuff?
In the end, if this doesn't feel good to you any more, it's okay to stop dating her. Not all relationships pan out. It could be a poly V and you could move on to date someone else instead.

In case it helps you find a counselor...

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top