Does anyone else ever envy the lifestyle of their so or their so partner(s)? My husband's gf has no kids and can do a lot of things I can't. Not asking on tips to change my life. I live my life. .at times I just miss my freedom (that's been replaced with amazing, irreplaceable love). Wouldn't change my life for the world. . Just maybe a bit jealous that she can do things with him that I can't. *dealing with feelings*
Feels♡
- Thread starter polypie
- Start date
sdguitarguy
New member
Your feelings are your feelings.
It's generally not a good idea to compare but rather deal with your relationship with your husband.
what I'm hearing is that there are things you'd like to do with your husband that you haven't been doing (because of childcare?)
You feel envious that he's able to do these things (what are we talking about? Dates? Bowling? Trips to Disney? ) with some one else but not you (because you're stuck at home or what?).
I know that I filled in some blanks. But does that sound right?
It's generally not a good idea to compare but rather deal with your relationship with your husband.
what I'm hearing is that there are things you'd like to do with your husband that you haven't been doing (because of childcare?)
You feel envious that he's able to do these things (what are we talking about? Dates? Bowling? Trips to Disney? ) with some one else but not you (because you're stuck at home or what?).
I know that I filled in some blanks. But does that sound right?
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Yeah, that's it, we don't have trusted, affordable childcare and it's been nearing 7 years since we've gone anywhere much more than dinner. .. I just miss things we did and things we never did. In reality, I'm not sure what we'd do if e kids were gone. I'm dealing with my feelings. I think it's less of dealing with my relationship, and more just dealing with my own feelings. I miss my husband today ♡
sdguitarguy
New member
Cheap affordable childcare
Your feelings stem from a situation in the relationship. Ignoring or swallowing the feelings doesn't change the underlying situation.
You are, in fact, providing him cheap, trusted, affordable childcare while you get no such benefit unless he is making equivalent time for you to have free time.
That seems like something that isn't very fair in terms of balancing your relationship. Your relationship with him is worth addressing the childcare issue so that the two of you can have time together.
Your feelings stem from a situation in the relationship. Ignoring or swallowing the feelings doesn't change the underlying situation.
You are, in fact, providing him cheap, trusted, affordable childcare while you get no such benefit unless he is making equivalent time for you to have free time.
That seems like something that isn't very fair in terms of balancing your relationship. Your relationship with him is worth addressing the childcare issue so that the two of you can have time together.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
Sometimes local high schools and churches offer babysitting references (or can tell you where to look). If you want longer-term childcare, then this probably won't work out for you, but for date nights it might be something to think about. Maybe going out for a couple hours for dinner as a trial run before an entire "date night" will help break in a new babysitter...
That said, my ex was extremely uncomfortable leaving our kids with someone outside the family/friend sphere, period. If this is the case in your situation, it may be worth pushing it a bit. It really is healthy for the kids to see the parents going out and enjoying themselves... and it's healthy for the parents, too.
That said, my ex was extremely uncomfortable leaving our kids with someone outside the family/friend sphere, period. If this is the case in your situation, it may be worth pushing it a bit. It really is healthy for the kids to see the parents going out and enjoying themselves... and it's healthy for the parents, too.
I can relate to your situation. When my ex h and I Opened our marriage, and he got a gf, our kids were preteens and teens. We lived in Massachusetts, and his gf was in Montreal, so he'd take off for a 3 day weekend about every 3 weeks. I'd be stuck with the kids, scheduling their activities, the taxiiing, the noise, the settling of arguments, the pet care (considerable, as my kids were constantly adopting new ones, and I did at least 50% of the pet care), and I'd have no adult conversation with a peer, except online. Or with another mom with her kids in tow.
But, we'd made sure to have already found a couple sitters long before. I had the option to hire someone. I had the freedom to also date. But this was before online dating services, and I just didn't have the resources to meet others.
And to be honest, my ex and I had lost the habit of dating each other. I got wicked envious of his kid free time in a faraway romantic city. He was wining and dining this near stranger! ("She gets sushi and I'm eating boxed mac and cheese with the kids? Fuck!") Going to bookstores together, reading poetry out loud to each other, window shopping, etc., etc., and coming home to an empty apartment where they could make all the sex noises they wanted to! Grrrr, did I feel envious!
So, with the advice of some online friends, fired by my ragey discontent, I made the determined choice to begin dating my husband again. We had money at that point, being in our late 40s with established careers. And dangit, the kids were even now old enough to mind themselves. (I found out later, they missed us when we went out, but oh well! Can't please everyone. I guess my kids were weird, or I was really lovable, because at their ages I would've been Woohoo! Mom and Dad are out, let's partay!)
So we started doing mini getaways. Pick a small town to visit, or go into Boston, for an overnight. Go online and find a discounted hotel room, explore our surroundings, doing inexpensive things like picnics or a sandwich shop for food. Live music (even if it was just street musicians), strolls by a waterfront. In the summer, we'd take the kids all the way to PA to their aunt and cousins, and we'd take an entire week to just please ourselves and travel a bit. We both thrived on the new experiences.
If our kids had been younger and needed a sitter, we could have traded sitting with friends, or hired a responsible sitter just for an afternoon (if kids needed us at bedtime), or evening (if a sitter was able to handle bedtime routines).
In poly, you can't be on autopilot. Nor should you suffer in silence and tamp your "feels" down. You need to speak up and ask for what you want.
But, we'd made sure to have already found a couple sitters long before. I had the option to hire someone. I had the freedom to also date. But this was before online dating services, and I just didn't have the resources to meet others.
And to be honest, my ex and I had lost the habit of dating each other. I got wicked envious of his kid free time in a faraway romantic city. He was wining and dining this near stranger! ("She gets sushi and I'm eating boxed mac and cheese with the kids? Fuck!") Going to bookstores together, reading poetry out loud to each other, window shopping, etc., etc., and coming home to an empty apartment where they could make all the sex noises they wanted to! Grrrr, did I feel envious!
So, with the advice of some online friends, fired by my ragey discontent, I made the determined choice to begin dating my husband again. We had money at that point, being in our late 40s with established careers. And dangit, the kids were even now old enough to mind themselves. (I found out later, they missed us when we went out, but oh well! Can't please everyone. I guess my kids were weird, or I was really lovable, because at their ages I would've been Woohoo! Mom and Dad are out, let's partay!)
So we started doing mini getaways. Pick a small town to visit, or go into Boston, for an overnight. Go online and find a discounted hotel room, explore our surroundings, doing inexpensive things like picnics or a sandwich shop for food. Live music (even if it was just street musicians), strolls by a waterfront. In the summer, we'd take the kids all the way to PA to their aunt and cousins, and we'd take an entire week to just please ourselves and travel a bit. We both thrived on the new experiences.
If our kids had been younger and needed a sitter, we could have traded sitting with friends, or hired a responsible sitter just for an afternoon (if kids needed us at bedtime), or evening (if a sitter was able to handle bedtime routines).
In poly, you can't be on autopilot. Nor should you suffer in silence and tamp your "feels" down. You need to speak up and ask for what you want.
Spork
Active member
I also think that this is a poisonous habit to get into in mono (any) relationship.
Self-martyrdom. Sounds kinda ugly, doesn't it? Well it's an ugly thing to do to yourself and if you can't place the importance on yourself to recognize why you should break this program, think of it this way: You are allowing fractures to form in your relationship, and not communicating it to your partner with enough seriousness, fairness, and timeliness for him to help you fix it. If it goes unfixed, it could cost HIM the relationship and family and happiness, too. He needs to know that there is an issue, and you both need to participate in a solution.
Also, if you just shut up and cope, and you get through those years and out the other side and you're ready to enjoy your adult life again...please believe me when I say that a part of your mind will resentfully keep score, and it can be the beginning of essentially antagonistic thinking that keeps right on cracking and breaking your relationship. You won't forget those years that you did nothing for yourself. You might overcompensate in ways that he can't keep up with, or he'll think "you've changed"... Just please talk to him and look for childcare. Don't let this keep on going on. It doesn't lead to good places.
Hi polypie,
What about the idea of getting a "piggy bank" -- a jar or whatever -- and start putting money in there a little at a time. This way you would eventually have enough saved up for a sitter, and you and your husband could go out together. Then start saving up again. A little at a time.
Not that you'd have enough saved up often, and you wouldn't be dating a lot, but at least you'd be dating a little, right?
Anyway that's one idea.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
What about the idea of getting a "piggy bank" -- a jar or whatever -- and start putting money in there a little at a time. This way you would eventually have enough saved up for a sitter, and you and your husband could go out together. Then start saving up again. A little at a time.
Not that you'd have enough saved up often, and you wouldn't be dating a lot, but at least you'd be dating a little, right?
Anyway that's one idea.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
One of the (many) smart things that my parents did every summer when we were home from school when we were little. We would take a "family vacation" every summer that ended at my grandparents' house (next state over). We kids would then stay with Grandma and Grandpa for a week while they took a "parents' vacation". (When they needed a break we would take a day to visit with aunts/cousins in the area). Grandma and Grandpa would then drive us home and stay with US for a week. Mom stayed home until my youngest sister was in kindergarten, so this was really the only "kid free" week she ever got. Kids got two weeks with Grandma and Grandpa (yay!) and Mom had extra adult help for the second week as well.
First to Madelyn, thank you so much for your share. I have a mOno friend who can sort of relate, since she doesn't have the resources to go out comfortably, either. .but you really made me feel less alone in the world. I'm double dating with him today he's bringing his new gf..is that considered a double date? Lol. .I still feel nervous around her, but in an excited happy way. We're going shooting. They are both really into guns, but as an animal activist, I'm not so much. .trying to focus on the date part, we're not shooting at animals, but in a closed range, which he did special for me♡ he took care of our younger children child care and I'm going to sort out a place for our older.
To Spork, I think I'm already at the overcompensating stage. .he already says I have changed. .abs to be honest, he isn't wrong. When I met him I was barely developing my poly side and resistant-polycurious at best, I was very religious (I'm atheist now), I was procutting AND probirth, and very into gender roles, the list goes on and on as you can imagine, but in a very short amount of time, nearly everything about me coin-flipped and he's been along for the Rollercoaster. He is always fearful that one day I will change and my change won't include him. Although we can never insure our futures, instead of reassuring hI'm that id never leave him, I remind him to live in today and how much I love him and I cannot imagine my life without the beautiful creature he is♡ anyways, I think I'm growing and changing so much so frequently and I'm really getting to a point where before I didn't want to date. I had babies and all I wanted to do was be this amazing, cloth diapering, extended breast feeding uncovered, gentle attachment home schooling mom of 3... one day I woke up and I was over it. Not like I don't want my babies, I just need to reconnect with myself, and he has become a huge part of that. A lot of both mono and poly people I've spoken with don't seem to understand and ask why I don't just distract myself by inviting others to my home (no child care) and dating them... or they suggest I let him tend to the children while I go out. .yes, ok, that's wonderful, but cannot replace the time I am now demanding from my husband. It's no longer a request or a want. It's a need that if not fulfilled is going to become damaging. I NEED this now. I've spoken with him and made it very clear that although I am quite satisfied with out home life, I cannot be a shut in any more. Not only do I need dates, I need him to take us out as a family. I don't care if we just go on a long walk. .I'm getting cabin fever. It's been nearly 7 years of this now and it's time for a change.
To Spork, I think I'm already at the overcompensating stage. .he already says I have changed. .abs to be honest, he isn't wrong. When I met him I was barely developing my poly side and resistant-polycurious at best, I was very religious (I'm atheist now), I was procutting AND probirth, and very into gender roles, the list goes on and on as you can imagine, but in a very short amount of time, nearly everything about me coin-flipped and he's been along for the Rollercoaster. He is always fearful that one day I will change and my change won't include him. Although we can never insure our futures, instead of reassuring hI'm that id never leave him, I remind him to live in today and how much I love him and I cannot imagine my life without the beautiful creature he is♡ anyways, I think I'm growing and changing so much so frequently and I'm really getting to a point where before I didn't want to date. I had babies and all I wanted to do was be this amazing, cloth diapering, extended breast feeding uncovered, gentle attachment home schooling mom of 3... one day I woke up and I was over it. Not like I don't want my babies, I just need to reconnect with myself, and he has become a huge part of that. A lot of both mono and poly people I've spoken with don't seem to understand and ask why I don't just distract myself by inviting others to my home (no child care) and dating them... or they suggest I let him tend to the children while I go out. .yes, ok, that's wonderful, but cannot replace the time I am now demanding from my husband. It's no longer a request or a want. It's a need that if not fulfilled is going to become damaging. I NEED this now. I've spoken with him and made it very clear that although I am quite satisfied with out home life, I cannot be a shut in any more. Not only do I need dates, I need him to take us out as a family. I don't care if we just go on a long walk. .I'm getting cabin fever. It's been nearly 7 years of this now and it's time for a change.
No, it's a shared V date. A double date would be 2 couples.
Next time you go on a V date, do something YOU really enjoy. Make plans!
What is "procutting and probirth?"
I was a homebirthing, extended breastfeeding, baby wearing, whole foods cooking, homeschooling, herbs and homeopathy using mom too. In fact I was a La Leche League Leader and IBLCLC for over 25 years. I had 2 of my 3 births at home. My third child, a boy, wasn't circumcised. I was (am) anti-vaxing. And we did family bed for as long as the kids needed it. Which was years.
It can and does cause burn-out. Lack of energy and time for oneself, and for the marital relationship. And a messier house, doing school at home, with all the kids' toys and projects spread all over. Having lots of pets was part of their education too, with the animals' attendant messes. More work for the housewife (me). My ex was old school in that area, he didn't cook or clean.
Speaking up for your own needs is essential. I had lots of therapy, which helped me be more assertive in that.
