Fell in love with 2 sisters, they are my north now

UnusualCreature

New member
Hello everyone,

I hope all of you are doing very well. I want to tell my story and get some guidance from you that can speak from the experience.

(please apologize if my english is not excellent, is not my native language)

First of all, I am male 33 years old, been in a relationship with my girlfriend (30 years old/Nina) for the past 16 years without any serious problem in the way, we love each other so much and we are very good partners in everything, no complaints at all. Nina is a different and unique woman.
We live together renting a small house where we are all happy living with our cats. We haven't married because we don't believe in that "institution". We agree that our confidence and trust is more powerful than anything (we have a plan for a formalization of this out of marriage) so I can say our relationship is very strong, we passed very bad times and we supported each other very good.
I could go deep in the loving part, but I don't want to extend too much here. But the fact is that I love her and I am sure of that. Also I trust in her feelings to me and the honesty that we always had in our relationship.

So, Nina have a sister, Esther is 22 years old, she lives far away in other city with her parents, I know her since she was a child and I always noted something special in the way of her thinking. Of course at that time never passed for my head that I was going to love her like I do today...
Nina an Esther are very close, they tell everything each other and have a very good relationship, always talking and supporting each other, and I support too in any issue that they can have as sisters.

With the time, things was happening that turned my view on her in a different meaning. She become a very special person, a woman with strong convictions and a long etc. that I kept for myself. But the time told me that started to love her from about 4 years ago. But I didn't do anything because I thought it was wrong to feel something like this for my girlfriend's sister without stop loving Nina. My feelings was rare for me, and I felt different for having this, like a problem.

We, the three, do many things together, we travel, special dates together, etc. and this year she came here to live with us for academic purposes for just few months.
I am not gonna lie, I was very anxious when I got the notice that she was coming to live with us, I prepared myself to share the space with Nina and Esther everyday and I thought that I was going to get caught about my feelings.
Because of covid, her stay was extended and after a months of brainstorming about this I deduced that I was not doing something wrong in just loving someone else, meanwhile I was going to be honest, nothing wrong should happen. Is loving wrong? so I decided to talk with both and tell them what was happening.

I tolk with Esther 1st, because she have a better control on emotions and more knowledge about this kind of love. She told me that it was not something bad, we got a very relaxing conversation but I didn't ask her for anything, because I didn't talk with Nina yet. So the only conversation that we had was about my feelings to her, to drop the bag I was loading from years. She told me that we should tell Nina soon, and I understand that because as they are very close, probably Esther should feel weird hidding this to her for much time.

So after a week or so, I tolk with Nina and explained everything with some shame and pain. I knew that she was not going to take it easy, so I told her that I love Esther but I also told her how big and strong is my love to her (Nina) too, that my love for Esther doesn't minimize the love that I feel for her in anyway (is the truth) and that I wont do anything that she doesn't want to. I also told her that I already tolk with Esther. She asked me for few time and to not tell to Esther that she knows yet.
We got about 3-4 days with bad feelings from her, but after that she got over it (not at all but very good). Nina did talk with Esther after few days, they told me, and the conversation went good between them. Finally the tension between us was solved and now all know what happened here.

I was very cautious in not breaking the rules on the relationship with Nina, because I wanted to be really honest and not being a player. We are ok now, I can't say that we are very good back, because this is a beat for a person that never thought about this kind of love before, specially from conservative families/societies that have only eyes for the average.

So after the talk between Nina and Esther, we are all better in the thread, but not talking about it between us. I only talk with Nina sometimes about it and I believe it's a slow process to understand. I am very passive right now with this, because I don't wanna hurt her or Esther.

I don't know what to do at this point. Plus I don't have that type of friends that can understand this, so it's a situation that I have to think and solve at my own.
I haven't talk with Esther again about this after I told her that I love her the 1st time. Because I think that Nina is in a little pain yet, so I try to stay away from Esther most of the time and spend more of the time with Nina.

I think and feel that they both are the perfect complement for they and for me. Living together has been wonderful, on everything, homeworks, duties, love, company, finances, etc. I believe that we could have a great future together full of success, thinking in the daily. About feelings I don't know because is the 1st time that I am involved in something like this.

I know this is a difficult situation, I had read some threads here in the forum about some similar situations and the opinions about it. But I still think that there is more to look away. I am a very logic person (I work with maths) and I understand that the feelings are not rational and we have to respect all about the other person(s), but I need to know how to continue, or if I am doing wrong, any advise to do or not do, maybe stop at all with this thinking and be a normal, forgetting and forcing me to not love someone....

Thank you for reading and I hope you have/had a great day at the time you did read this text.

UnusualCreature
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle. I do not think this is a good idea or the right time to broach it.

You and Esther are in a position of power over Nina.

You are both about 11 and 8 years older than Nina, who is living with her sister (Esther) and her long term partner (you). She came to live with you for school, and pandemic extended it. Sounds like she's your college student dependent or something.

Now you tell her you are in love with her (or the IDEA of her) and you are aware telling her this caused her pain.

You have made it very weird for Nina to keep living there now. I don't know if in pandemic she can go home to the parents or find somewhere else to live and still finish school. For now she may have to "make nice" with you and the sister despite the weird.

So after the talk between Nina and Esther, we are all better in the thread, but not talking about it between us. I only talk with Nina sometimes about it and I believe it's a slow process to understand. I am very passive right now with this, because I don't wanna hurt her or Esther.

I don't know what to do at this point. Plus I don't have that type of friends that can understand this, so it's a situation that I have to think and solve at my own.
I haven't talk with Esther again about this after I told her that I love her the 1st time. Because I think that Nina is in a little pain yet, so I try to stay away from Esther most of the time and spend more of the time with Nina.

I am having trouble understanding this.

  • You told Ester you love Nina. Esther said "we should tell Nina soon" but you decided to tell Nina by yourself.
  • When you told Nina your declaration of love for her, Nina asked for some time to digest this information and to not tell Esther that Nina knows now.
  • Nina talked to Ester about it. They said the conversation between the sisters went well. (What does that mean?)
  • You three don't talk about it all three together. Is this a case of "Fine. That happened. We all ignore it now" then?
    • At this point in time, you have not talked about it with Esther since the first time you told Esther you are in love with Nina.
    • At this point in time, you do keep talking about it with Nina.
      • You see Nina in pain.
      • Instead of giving her space to process? Or stop talking about it so much with her?
        • You stay away from Esther and try to spend most of your time with Nina. For what purpose?
Are you aware this sounds like you pressuring Nina?
I understand that the feelings are not rational and we have to respect all about the other person(s), but I need to know how to continue, or if I am doing wrong, any advise to do or not do, maybe stop at all with this thinking and be a normal, forgetting and forcing me to not love someone....

Just because you have a crush on someone doesn't mean you HAVE to pursue it or HAVE to tell them you love them. You can love them all you want in your head. You can also change behaviors so the feelings fade -- change proximity to them, stop spending so much time thinking about them, etc.

At minimum, knowing Esther and Nina come from conservative families/societies?

Could have waited for Nina to finish school and finish growing up before asking her out. A person's brain is not full mature until 25. You did not wait. And it sounds like she's not happy about this development, but may not say so outright due to her living situation with you. It sounds like a lot of triangulation potential.

To me siblings are automatically on the "messy people" list. Even if the sisters are willing to try it? Two sisters dating the same person? Would that cause them family, work, or community strain or estrangement? What happens if it doesn't work out? Then what?

I think you could apologize to Esther and Nina for putting them in a weird position. And offer to help Nina move if she feels uncomfortable staying there now.

Even if Nina is eager to try dating you too? Best to WAIT so she can finish school first, and best you date her with her living in her OWN home, not under your roof.

That is my opinion.

Galagirl
 

MeeraReed

Active member
GalaGirl, you mixed up which sister is which. Esther is the younger one, 22, and Nina is the girlfriend, 30. The OP told the young one about his feelings for her BEFORE telling his partner Nina about it.

But I agree with your advice that this is a bad idea. It's not okay to want to date your girlfriend's MUCH younger sister. You knew her since she was 6 and you were 17! Yuck.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi UnusualCreature,

I think the three of you (you, Esther, and Nina) should read the book, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. It explains a lot about the transition from monogamy to nonmonogamy, and all three of you seem to be on the path of that transition. Don't rush anything, just be a good friend to Esther, and in my opinion don't make Esther feel like you are avoiding her, don't be afraid to talk openly with both her and Nina. Polyamory is a possibility, but it will take some time and tenderness. Don't rush anything. These are my perspectives, others may disagree with me, but I think you are doing fine.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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