Find my happiness and my true self with so many questions.?

Kdt26417

Yes I have and that is how I found my last exs that live 1hour ish north of me. That lasted about six months. I been a year this June. I also found another couple who I have no interest in on there who I meet the guy there though work not knowing he was poly. He found me in there. Not someone I want to date even a little. So yes I have tried.
 
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Galagirl

I have been on a couple different dating sites looking for opened poly people. Found one about a year go nothing since. Trying to find ther people to just be good friends with. It seems everyone here is so busy that they don't have time for each other. I started posting on here again. That's about it so far for poly.
 
Ravenscroft

Thank you for the links. I have started reading the frist one and will look at the other tomorrow when I have more time.
 
More in my happiness

I had the other night a WTF moment and it made me very glad and happy that I am single and that I believe what I believe that I am. I am ploy/ non-monogamy works for me and I am very glad for that because of my WTF moment. But in the whole entire moment it made me very sad because that person is almost making the subject of sex kind of seem like it's taboo and shameful because he can't talk to the person who is supposed to be talking to you about it, his wife. Why was he able to come to me and talk to me about it but was not going too talk to his wife about any of it ? Why does it have to be such a taboo thing to talk about? Is it because you know the other person is not going to agree with you and you're gonna lose them because of it? Well that was the case then we shouldn't talk about anything religion, kids, work, where we want to live because certain people don't want to live in certain places or like me I don't ever want to have kids. But I still talk about it like it's no big deal but sex we can't do that. So because of the whole WTF moment it made me very happy that I'm single and made me more aware of that I am more happy being me even if I'm not living it right now non-monogamy. But it also made me very sad for the fact that I'm still missing those other people in my life that I feel are very important and the last pieces to my happiness.
 
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And update

Not sure if you guys are still reading this but it been awhile since I was thinking about all this. I found a podcaster that I been loving who talks about love and sexuality. I have learn a lot from him. I learned that I will never fit in a box and I'm very happy about that. I learned that it's ok to be me even if people don't know because it's not there time or I'm ready for them to know. Doesn't change who I am. Also I learned that I'm not just one thing but many. Like I can be polyamory, monogamous, or whatever works for me at that time. That's has made me more happier. Now when people ask me what I'm looking for I say my better half whoever that might be. It could be men, women, two men, two women, or men and women. I really like to find two of someone. If that is together or separately.

I still need to find out how I'm going to tell people when I'm ready or the time comes to me. I'm not sure if doing it single is the right time it but now I need to think about ever question and how I answer that for each person. So I'm not done with my happiness journey but I turned a leaf and I will be making changes to my online dating profiles and smiling more.
 
I learned that it's ok to be me even if people don't know because it's not there time or I'm ready for them to know. Doesn't change who I am.
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Glad to hear that you are more at ease inside yourself. :)

Galagirl
 
Galagirl

Thank you for your kind words. I'm still trying to learn and would like someone to chat about this with. I need to find out what I say when I do come out. It might not be for a month, a year, 6 months or when ever but I need to think how I'll answer them.
 
You may find Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ to be helpful in giving you ideas of how to answer people when you come out.
 
Kdt26417

Hi I have checked out the site before and didn't find it very helpful. I tried looking for Franklin Veaux's but could not find him or anywhere to search. Sorry.
 
Need to talk

Hi I just need someone to talk to about this stuff. I want to be ready whenever I decide to come out. I want to be ready for most of the questions people will ask, how I should tell my friends who will be first, what they might say, and how I going to say it the best way possible. Then will be my family. My aunt, and parents and how they might react to all this. Without having other poly I find it hard. I have one friend who isn't poly willing to help me but she needed me to be there for her right now. So that's were I'm stuck now.
 
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GalaGirl said:
Mine used to tell me I was "too sensitive" whenever they encroached on my personal space/boundaries.

I just agreed. "That's right. I am. I don't like it when you do that. I asked you to stop. You did not. I solved it another way. "

Not that I am actually too sensitive. But why argue? I prefer to cut to the chase. I let them on my FB. Then it wasn't working for me to have them be on my FB because they didn't know how to behave. They started with their weird comments and I don't need that. I asked them to stop. They did not. So I removed them. Problem solved. They didn't like that, but so what? It's my FB. And FB isn't the world.

It's ok for you to be an individual person and take up the space you do in this world. Your family sounds like they are all up in your stuff and you allow it. You might want to consider developing better boundaries.

Galagirl
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THIS.

We spent too much time worrying about everyone else. But I tell my kids all the time.

"Whose behavior are you responsible for? Can you control your brother or your sister or your friend? No. YOU are responsible for you."

And that's what applies here. You can't control their behavior or their reaction. And you shouldn't' have to make decisions because of how someone else is going to be. Make the decision that is best for YOU. Take care of YOUR emotions and YOUR needs. If someone disrespects you for that, they don't need to be part of your life.

I love how Gala writes things. Because the way she says it makes so much sense.
 
Galagirl

I need to sort out what kind questions I be ask if I decide to come out polyamory single. Not sure I would but thinking this though would sure make me feel better when the time is right. Also the answers that I would give them. I know one that will come up if I tell my aunt or my mom is we're you with ... and I was so. I won't lie, know what to say there and have that all figured out. I just want to be ready when I do and make sure I know the best answer because when I'm face with things like this I don't answer the best. Think of better ways to answer later.
 
I know one that will come up if I tell my aunt or my mom is we're you with ... and I was so. I won't lie,
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I would have gone with "Thank you, but that is not your concern." That's not telling a lie. Who you have for a lover is not their business. That's between you, your lover, and your doctor if you have sex health needs (ex: birth control, check ups).

when I'm face with things like this I don't answer the best. Think of better ways to answer later.
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It's ok to say "I'm not prepared to have this conversation right now. We can have it later."

I don't know if these help you with other questions.

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/11/explaining-polyamory-family/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201503/coming-out-polyamorous-part-i

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...xt-door/201503/coming-out-polyamorous-part-ii

Galagirl
 
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Galagirl

Thank you for the links. I have read one of them and found it to be good. I'm going to read the other two which sound to be good reads. I hope they help. If I don't answer there questions about the guy .. won't they know that I'm trying to hide something or see right though that.I feel that I'm not being truthful and letting them to think all kinds of crazy ideas. If I tell them it could of go bad and if I don't they could freak out about it. If I don't say something they will keep prying. Mom can be nosy and want to know everything. When I don't ask questions about people we know she like why didn't you ask, didn't you want to know, how will you know anything.
 
Gria2004 said:
Mom can be nosy and want to know everything. When I don't ask questions about people we know she like why didn't you ask, didn't you want to know, how will you know anything.
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Don't wait for mom to change, because she likely never will. Sounds like you could work quite a bit on boundary setting, especially with your family of origin. In my experience, this is job number one during the 20s years. A person sets out to explore the world and discover who she is, separate from the gaze, options and heavy handed comments of her mother and family. If your mother is regularly posing those kinds of intrusive and judgmental questions and they bother you (as they should,) then it's time for you to step up your work on creating a stronger sense of yourself.
 
If I don't answer there questions about the guy .. won't they know that I'm trying to hide something or see right though that.
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If they go imagining things... how is that your doing? :confused:

I feel that I'm not being truthful and letting them to think all kinds of crazy ideas.
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If they sit around thinking all kinds of crazy ideas... who is doing the thinking? Them. Not you. It is not your job or your concern. You do not have to "manage" their thinking for them.

If I tell them it could of go bad and if I don't they could freak out about it.
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When you want to be out to your family, be out. How they handle it? That is up to them. If they behave poorly toward you? Walk out the door. Visit them some other day when they are calmer. I think you could let their thinking and their stuff be their problem to deal with. It's not your job. If they freak out, they can calm down on their own. You do not have to attend to it. They are adults. Not babies.

If I don't say something they will keep prying. Mom can be nosy and want to know everything.
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You can play the broken record and say "Thank you for your concern. However in this situation, it is not your business.Please stop asking. If you keep asking, I'm going home/hanging up." She keeps pestering you? You follow through. Visit her some other day when she feels like behaving better. If not? Play the broken record.

She might not LIKE you standing up for your own self as an adult person because she prefers to run your life like you are a child. But it doesn't sound like that makes you happy and it is what you prefer. You are outgrowing that way of going. Which is normal and natural in the late teens/20s. Kids have to grow up.

You do not walk into the doctor's office wanting to see all their files. Even if you are nosy? They tell you NO because other patient's files are not your concern. Are you able to see that some things in life are simply not your business? Or your mom's business?

Parents look after their children. All their stuff -- like their health and records and so on. Eventually the children grow up, and then THEY look after their business. It is no longer the parent's job or area of concern. The child is no longer a dependent or their responsibility.

If the parent wants to keep getting up in their offspring's business even if offspring is now an adult? That's THE PARENT overstepping their bounds.

The parent doesn't want to cut the ties. You may have to cut ties yourself and finish the process of growing up and becoming your own individual person. That doesn't mean you do not love your mom. It means you are an adult and no longer her child. Cutting some ties is NORMAL. I imagine mom no longer bathes you, wipes your bottom, or spoon feeds you. So those ties have already been cut and nobody died from it.

Accept that other ties also must be cut so that you can be YOUR OWN PERSON. That doesn't mean you are doing anything bad or mean to your mother. It just means you are ready to take charge of your own life as an adult.

When I don't ask questions about people we know she like why didn't you ask, didn't you want to know, how will you know anything.
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Maybe you just don't care to know what's going on with those people. Your brain? What you want to know? That's your space and your decision. You can decide you are ok not knwoing about those people.

I have people I don't care to know about. My parents want to know about drunk uncle and shoplifting cousin. Great. They can know.

I don't care to know. What for? What joy does it bring to my life? I told them to stop telling me about those people. They were like "OMG! Don't you want to know?" And I said "No. I didn't pick these people to be my relatives. That I cannot help. I CAN help what I put my attention on and I don't want to spend my afternoon hearing updates on people I don't care to know anything about and I never see anyway. "

I think you let your mom run your life too much. I think you could cut the apron strings. Even if she doesn't want you to? You can still cut them. You start by telling her "no thank you" when she oversteps boundaries.

It's not healthy for you to be so enmeshed with her.

https://www.fulsheartransition.com/enmeshment-symptoms-and-causes/

Esp. if if it hinders you from living your own life more fully and more pleasantly. Most of this thread is you "shrinking" yourself to please your mom or to keep her from having a cow.

Why? It's ok for your to take up the space you do in this world. You don't have to shrink yourself.

If she chooses to have a cow about things? She can deal with it. She's not a fragile vase. You are not out to get her simply by living your adult life how you want to be living it. Maybe think about "unmeshing."

http://www.mariadroste.org/2013/07/the-enmeshed-family-what-it-is-and-how-to-unmesh/

Galagirl
 
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