Finding a primary

wndrng_nt_lst

New member
So, here my story...
I am in a VEE relationship with J. J is married to C and she and I are cordial to one another, but not really close friends. J and I are in a D/s relationship. This really is an amazing relationship! We meet up for play, talk every day, and are emotionally connected...BUT I miss dating and having someone I can lean on too. He and I have discussed my finding my own primary, because he is not able to give me the boyfriend experience. Hence the question:. How do I approach the 'i am poly ..oh and by they way I have a Dom too' conversation???
 
I don't know how the BDSM aspect changes things (since I am largely vanilla) but, at the poly level, my first response to you would be: "It depends on the circumstances under which you are meeting people."

If I were at one of the local Meet-Ups for our alternative relationship group or a Fetlife event I would just say "I am poly and, by the way, I have a husband and a boyfriend...I am looking for ____." At a concert or festival - not specifically poly or kink - if I am flirty or looking to hook up with someone, I would say: "You're really interesting and I would like to talk to you some more. I'm here with my husband (boyfriend, girlfriend, dom/sub, whatever) so I'm just going to check in so they know where to find me...we can talk more about that after I check in if you are still interested." and then go into the BDSM or whatever if they are curious.

To me this is all initial "feeling someone out" information - like discovering whether our SOGI (sexual orientation / gender identity) demographics line up. I'm a bi-sexual cis-gendered female - hitting on a gay male-person isn't going to get me laid (but may find me a new friend!). If I am on a dating app or similar than all this would be laid out in my profile. If I am just talking to someone socially and not a hooking up or asking out scenario then my married, poly, bisexual, vanilla status will be evident by the stories that I tell and the information that I share - like the kind of books that I read, or that I like beer and not wine. If I don't hold anything back from the beginning, then I have no bombshells to drop later.

Jane("Just-Tell-It-Like-It-Is")Q

EDIT: In recent years, talking to my actively dating friends, it seems like ENM, BDSM, SOGI issues are mainstream enough that even many mono/hetero-normative arenas are aware of potential alternatives in the dating world.
 
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First, thank you for your response, it was very good information. I am not so concerned about he actual approach, as the "...and I have a Dom" thing. Here I have given 2 big pieces of information for them to digest...poly (that one is easy) and my dynamic...that one is more difficult, because I think most people who are not in the community might be intimidated by by the fact another person is THAT dominant with someone you want to be close to. I was hoping someone on here has been through a similar thing I guess.
 
I guess it depends on how much the D/s dynamic impacts your daily life. I have a husband and a Dom (different people) but if I'm meeting someone in a vanilla setting I don't tend to mention the power exchange until I've established we're likely to keep dating. My D/s dynamic doesn't extend significantly outside the bedroom, so I might just mention that my bracelet is my day collar and then answer questions that might arise. I admittedly was married first so I'm not looking for a nesting partner, but regardless, I'm pretty upfront about what I can offer, and what I can't. Do you have things that are exclusive to you and your Dom? Or could you put a different nuance on the power exchange dynamic into a primary relationship, such as rough sex but no D/s protocol, or sensation play but no free use (or whatever it is you do with your Dom?)

It also depends so much on what any new partner might be into, where you are comfortable with overlaps, and where you can find uniqueness. But these aren't really first, second or even third date conversations.

It can also help eliminate incompatible partners. If you say, "I only do X with this person," and that person really wants to do X, then you're just not suited right now.

I have a dominant partner and an occasional dominant play partner (used to be more full on but we have drifted a lot by now), but they are interested in completely different expressions of dominance. When I do spend time with play partner I don't feel like there is any overlap except the occasional slap on the face. So if a new primary guy you meet is also a d-type, it won't automatically rule him out of being a partner. Just communicate, in increments as and when necessary. This can also reduce the possibility of giving TMI to either person.

I'm sure your Dom will be interested in your progress in finding a primary and you can be honest with him about where the overlaps could happen and where you want to stay exclusive. As for a new guy, if he's intimidated by you already having a Dom, then he's not the guy for you anyway.
 
I guess it depends on how much the D/s dynamic impacts your daily life. I have a husband and a Dom (different people) but if I'm meeting someone in a vanilla setting I don't tend to mention the power exchange until I've established we're likely to keep dating. My D/s dynamic doesn't extend significantly outside the bedroom, so I might just mention that my bracelet is my day collar and then answer questions that might arise. I admittedly was married first so I'm not looking for a nesting partner, but regardless, I'm pretty upfront about what I can offer, and what I can't. Do you have things that are exclusive to you and your Dom? Or could you put a different nuance on the power exchange dynamic into a primary relationship, such as rough sex but no D/s protocol, or sensation play but no free use (or whatever it is you do with your Dom?)

It also depends so much on what any new partner might be into, where you are comfortable with overlaps, and where you can find uniqueness. But these aren't really first, second or even third date conversations.

It can also help eliminate incompatible partners. If you say, "I only do X with this person," and that person really wants to do X, then you're just not suited right now.

I have a dominant partner and an occasional dominant play partner (used to be more full on but we have drifted a lot by now), but they are interested in completely different expressions of dominance. When I do spend time with play partner I don't feel like there is any overlap except the occasional slap on the face. So if a new primary guy you meet is also a d-type, it won't automatically rule him out of being a partner. Just communicate, in increments as and when necessary. This can also reduce the possibility of giving TMI to either person.

I'm sure your Dom will be interested in your progress in finding a primary and you can be honest with him about where the overlaps could happen and where you want to stay exclusive. As for a new guy, if he's intimidated by you already having a Dom, then he's not the guy for you anyway.
Thank you very much. That was a good deal of information and application. I appreciate you openness and sharing your real life example. I like to date 'old school' and apps really haven't worked anyway, so the approach was off-putting.
 
So, here my story...
I am in a VEE relationship with J. J is married to C and she and I are cordial to one another, but not really close friends. J and I are in a D/s relationship. This really is an amazing relationship! We meet up for play, talk every day, and are emotionally connected...BUT I miss dating and having someone I can lean on too. He and I have discussed my finding my own primary, because he is not able to give me the boyfriend experience. Hence the question:. How do I approach the 'i am poly ..oh and by they way I have a Dom too' conversation???
My question is, do you want a real boyfriend, who may end up being a nesting partner (or even husband) who is also kinky? Or do you just want the vanilla stuff from this hypothetical person?

If you're interested in kink with the new person too, and you find a kinky guy, he will probably already understand, to an extent, what your current Dom provides for you. Of course, there's the chance that a new guy will be able to be your Dom AND provide the "boyfriend" or even "husband" experience. Would you then still want to be in an open relationship, or would you feel fulfilled with one guy?
 
My question is, do you want a real boyfriend, who may end up being a nesting partner (or even husband) who is also kinky? Or do you just want the vanilla stuff from this hypothetical person?

If you're interested in kink with the new person too, and you find a kinky guy, he will probably already understand, to an extent, what your current Dom provides for you. Of course, there's the chance that a new guy will be able to be your Dom AND provide the "boyfriend" or even "husband" experience. Would you then still want to be in an open relationship, or would you feel fulfilled with one guy?
All good questions. Currently my Sir is My ideal Dom. I would want the new partner to be vanilla, however he can be poly with one other, if that's what he needs. Aside from an occasional slap on the ass, I would like to keep my bedroom activities non-kink with him. If he grew to be a good fit as my Dom, we all could discuss what that would look like at that time...no one said you can't have two. I am just missing out on what a primary partner gets/gives.
 
Hello wndrng_nt_lst,

I think the first thing to do, is to say (on your first date), "I need to let you know that I am polyamorous. I hope that's not a problem, but even if it is I thought I should let you know." Then let the conversation progress naturally from there. At some point when there's an opening you say, "The other thing I need you to know is that I am in a D/s relationship. I am the submissive partner in that relationship."

Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Hello wndrng_nt_lst,

I think the first thing to do, is to say (on your first date), "I need to let you know that I am polyamorous. I hope that's not a problem, but even if it is I thought I should let you know." Then let the conversation progress naturally from there. At some point when there's an opening you say, "The other thing I need you to know is that I am in a D/s relationship. I am the submissive partner in that relationship."

Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.
I appreciate your reply. I agree, they sound about how I would want to approach it as well.
 
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