Yes but past experience, tells me she is unwilling to constructively do therapy. Lol I'm already booking my therapy appointment, because I feel like my life is unraveling. I never knew how much hurt can be dealt by the ones you love the most. Guess I was just being naive. I'm considering my boundaries and if there pushed what I actually need to do. Man this is the worst ever.
Finding acceptance
- Thread starter Inzpash
- Start date
Glad you are seeking therapy for yourself to help you clarify boundaries and define your line in the sand.
If she's not going to do therapy or change her behaviors though... you may have to accept that the only way to avoid more dings in future is to part ways so you are out of the line of fire.
This is so sad.
I'm sorry you deal in this.
Galagirl
If she's not going to do therapy or change her behaviors though... you may have to accept that the only way to avoid more dings in future is to part ways so you are out of the line of fire.
This is so sad.
I'm sorry you deal in this.
Galagirl
hello everyone
i still haven't worked up the courage to have this next really hard conversation. I'm in so much emotional pain, i have never felt this bad in my life, and i have gone through some tough shit. i guess i have never been in love like this before either.. i have a therapy appt tomorrow and im really hoping to get some relief.
i have no idea if she knows how bad this is hurting me. she has to have some idea. i cant begin to understand why she would want to push me away like this. i fear that i value this relationship so much that i will stay and suffer for a long time before i cant take it anymore. she obviously isn't happy, and i never knew because she never told me. i feel like she is trying to push me away.
i don't know what to do or how to think. i cant think or anything except spiteful vengeance. i need to make her fully aware how i feel but i'm scared of the possible outcome. i never like to rock the boat, and i have always been shy and soft spoken. she is the opposite center of attention, social butterfly. i feel absolutely powerless and broken. there nothing i can do in this moment to relieve my pain.
i still haven't worked up the courage to have this next really hard conversation. I'm in so much emotional pain, i have never felt this bad in my life, and i have gone through some tough shit. i guess i have never been in love like this before either.. i have a therapy appt tomorrow and im really hoping to get some relief.
i have no idea if she knows how bad this is hurting me. she has to have some idea. i cant begin to understand why she would want to push me away like this. i fear that i value this relationship so much that i will stay and suffer for a long time before i cant take it anymore. she obviously isn't happy, and i never knew because she never told me. i feel like she is trying to push me away.
i don't know what to do or how to think. i cant think or anything except spiteful vengeance. i need to make her fully aware how i feel but i'm scared of the possible outcome. i never like to rock the boat, and i have always been shy and soft spoken. she is the opposite center of attention, social butterfly. i feel absolutely powerless and broken. there nothing i can do in this moment to relieve my pain.
You are grieving. You have a therapy appointment tomorrow. That's healthy self care.
You could bring that up in therapy. Like why do you value the relationship higher than your own well being? Why do you choose to go WELL PAST your limit of tolerance before you stop participating? Rather than "nip in bud" when it's at the "approaching my limit" place? Or "stop now" when it is "AT my limit." Why does it have to go "Far beyond my limit" before you finally do your self care and remove yourself from a damaging situation?
Some people do that. They are not happy, they want things to end, but don't want to be the breaker-upper so they act out and stuff to get the partner to do it. It's not especially kind or direct.
If this is what you have on yours hands rather than a "slow drain" thing I'd "rip the bandaid" off and get it done. Because if I have to linger, I prefer to linger in the "healing space." Not in the "grieving breaking up space" dragging my pain out.
Hopefully your therapy appointment will give you more concrete tools to use when you have this upcoming conversation.
Remember that you can write a letter or email if you don't trust yourself to stick to the point if you do it verbally like face to face or by phone. Sometimes written is better than verbal. When we are feeling emotional, trying to be verbal and NOT lose your place in the conversation or break down can be challenging.
Plus if you go written, you can run it by the therapist before giving it to her to make sure no "vengeance" stuff is leaking into it.
It's ok to feel upset and feel angry. But seeking vengeance isn't healthy sounding.
Galagirl
You could bring that up in therapy. Like why do you value the relationship higher than your own well being? Why do you choose to go WELL PAST your limit of tolerance before you stop participating? Rather than "nip in bud" when it's at the "approaching my limit" place? Or "stop now" when it is "AT my limit." Why does it have to go "Far beyond my limit" before you finally do your self care and remove yourself from a damaging situation?
Some people do that. They are not happy, they want things to end, but don't want to be the breaker-upper so they act out and stuff to get the partner to do it. It's not especially kind or direct.
If this is what you have on yours hands rather than a "slow drain" thing I'd "rip the bandaid" off and get it done. Because if I have to linger, I prefer to linger in the "healing space." Not in the "grieving breaking up space" dragging my pain out.
Hopefully your therapy appointment will give you more concrete tools to use when you have this upcoming conversation.
Remember that you can write a letter or email if you don't trust yourself to stick to the point if you do it verbally like face to face or by phone. Sometimes written is better than verbal. When we are feeling emotional, trying to be verbal and NOT lose your place in the conversation or break down can be challenging.
Plus if you go written, you can run it by the therapist before giving it to her to make sure no "vengeance" stuff is leaking into it.
It's ok to feel upset and feel angry. But seeking vengeance isn't healthy sounding.
Galagirl
Last edited:
anamikanon
New member
I suggest you speak with your wife.
As someone who is very outspoken with a partner who is very reserved and finds it hard to speak up (whom I love very, very much), I can describe how issues work out in our relationship. He gives in to all my preferences, quietly getting unhappy till I notice and bring it up, then there is a very dysfunctional outburst and he hurts me very badly with things he says.
Eventually we work it out always, so far, but the real big challenge in our relationship is for him to assert his needs calmly as soon as he is aware of them, instead of being imprisoned by them in his own mind till he can no longer talk about them without rage.
If your wife does love you, as you said earlier, she would WANT to know if something is hurting you. She is not a mind reader. If you are acting ok, she will believe you.
She needs to know you are not ok and hurting badly before you go assuming she is pushing you away or that she knows and is ok with your hurt. It is also possible that she is taking your being "ok" at face value and engrossed in NRE. As in, what she is doing hurts you, but it isn't malintent towards you. It is possible. That can be fixed. Knowingly hurting you can't be fixed.
As someone who is very outspoken with a partner who is very reserved and finds it hard to speak up (whom I love very, very much), I can describe how issues work out in our relationship. He gives in to all my preferences, quietly getting unhappy till I notice and bring it up, then there is a very dysfunctional outburst and he hurts me very badly with things he says.
Eventually we work it out always, so far, but the real big challenge in our relationship is for him to assert his needs calmly as soon as he is aware of them, instead of being imprisoned by them in his own mind till he can no longer talk about them without rage.
If your wife does love you, as you said earlier, she would WANT to know if something is hurting you. She is not a mind reader. If you are acting ok, she will believe you.
She needs to know you are not ok and hurting badly before you go assuming she is pushing you away or that she knows and is ok with your hurt. It is also possible that she is taking your being "ok" at face value and engrossed in NRE. As in, what she is doing hurts you, but it isn't malintent towards you. It is possible. That can be fixed. Knowingly hurting you can't be fixed.
PolyNatural
Banned
My view on this is sometimes rather unpopular on both sides of the fence, but here it is anyway. You're married, and that means you've both pledged your commitment to a mono contract both legally and in principle. I don't know if your vows included God or were simply sworn to each other and the state, but either way, bringing anyone else into it on an intimate level legally constitutes adultery as well as breaks whatever covenant you may have had between yourselves and your church ( if one was involved ).
Consequently this is a serious issue and the only way to ethically resolve it is to either remain mono and not cheat on each other or your marriage, or to get a divorce and re-engineer your relationship. If that is to be a poly relationship, that doesn't mean simply bolting a third person on for the sake of relieving the boredom. It means honesty, love, acceptance, respect, and support on all sides. It might be a beautiful thing if you can make that happen, and the only way to find out is to get communicating with your wife all the way down to the nitty-gritty on it.
I'm sorry to hear what a painful situation you are in!
You say your wife has never been willing to get any meaningful therapy. Does that mean that any physical and/or mental issues she may have tried to treat with drugs remain unaddressed? If so then your thought of a mental issue could be spot on. Is her behavior affecting her work life as well? That of course is another red flag.
I can tell when my husband's PTSD has been triggered when the things he is upset about seem to be tangental to reality. Knowing he has this condition allows me to let go of some frustration in dealing with him at those times. It does not make the behavior acceptable. My husband is in therapy though.
Would your wife be willing to talk to someone who was involved in helping her to sobriety? Maybe she would do better hearing about her behavior from more than one person?
I really hope something good happens soon for you!
Leetah
You say your wife has never been willing to get any meaningful therapy. Does that mean that any physical and/or mental issues she may have tried to treat with drugs remain unaddressed? If so then your thought of a mental issue could be spot on. Is her behavior affecting her work life as well? That of course is another red flag.
I can tell when my husband's PTSD has been triggered when the things he is upset about seem to be tangental to reality. Knowing he has this condition allows me to let go of some frustration in dealing with him at those times. It does not make the behavior acceptable. My husband is in therapy though.
Would your wife be willing to talk to someone who was involved in helping her to sobriety? Maybe she would do better hearing about her behavior from more than one person?
I really hope something good happens soon for you!
Leetah