Firstly, I hadn't anticipated this post would be this long, so apologies in advance. Just writing this out has been useful to me, but I would still really appreciate any comments you may have.
Until very recently I had never thought that any relationship structure outside of Monogamy really existed. Here in the UK one of our chief scientific advisors to the Government had to resign because he broke lockdown restrictions, which he was instrumental in implementing, to meet with his lover. I remember reading one or two lines of the story, thinking “oh dear” and then moving on to the rest of the day (the “oh dear” very much directed at his ignoring Government restrictions, much less the “scandal” of doing so to meet his lover).
I later came across an opinion piece on the website of one our newspapers which had a headline reading “I can't be furious with Professor Ferguson. Polyamory is more normal than you think.” Not knowing what that term meant, but assuming it had something to do with the reason he broke his own rules, I read through the article.
Suffice it to say I’m still trying to learn what polyamory, and even non-monogamy truly means. I’ve spent some time watching videos on the subject and reading blog posts, articles, and even some threads on this forum. I’m now beginning to question whether I am more naturally non-monogamous, than monogamous. I’ll explain why I’m re-evaluating this aspect of my life in a moment – but I guess ultimately what I’m trying to achieve with this post is two things:
1) To help with my understanding of what’s swirling round my head at the moment. I often find writing things down helps me to better articulate what I’m thinking and feeling.
2) To see what advice I might be able to garner, especially from people who may have gone through the same process I think I’m starting to right now.
As to how I got here. Roughly 4 years ago I had been in a completely monogamous relationship for about 10 years. I came to realise that my needs weren’t being fulfilled, specifically with regards to sex. I spoke to my gf about this a few times, and at one point she said “Well I feel like I have you now, so I don’t feel I need to put the effort in”. At that point I started to feel pretty down about the relationship.
What I should have done is understand the relationship didn’t really have a future and break up with her. What I did do was surmise that I still loved her and if sex is the only thing that was missing (you’ll not be shocked to hear that, in hindsight, it definitely was not the only thing missing) then I should just look elsewhere. I secretly joined a dating app, which was focussed around extra-marital affairs, and started to have casual relationships with other women who were in a similar sort of situation. I knew that what I was doing was cheating.
With every woman I spoke to, I was clear that I didn’t want to leave my gf and that what I was looking for was someone I can connect with emotionally as well as physically. We should be able to get along easily, it shouldn’t feel particularly forced and we should be sexually compatible. Because, to me, good sex isn’t just about the act itself, but about enjoying sharing those moments with someone you have respect for and enjoying the pleasure it brings to both of us.
I had met up with and had fun experiences with a few women but then I came into contact with my now wife through the app. We hit it off immediately, in a different, deeper way than any of the other women I had spoken to or met up with. What was different with her is that she was single, having “given up” on serious relationships and falling in love again. She was regularly having sex with a married man from work, and engaged in casual sex with a number of other people as and when the opportunities arose. Some of the “other” stuff had dried up, so she signed up to the app to see what she could find.
We started to fall for each other, hard. We would tell each other about the other people we were seeing and I really enjoyed and almost thrived on that openness and honesty. It was certainly more openness and honesty I was sharing with my gf, while I readily admit I share the blame there. We also gave details about our sexual encounters with these people, which to begin with I enjoyed, but the more I fell in love with her the more painful I found it hearing about another man being with her. I was always happy for her, because I know she looked forward to their encounters and really enjoyed them. But I got to a point where I thought, “that should be me, though”. She later confessed to me she eventually came to the same conclusion, and that she was now ready to be in a serious relationship again: with me.
Eventually we did meet, and shortly after I did what I should have done months earlier and broke up with my gf. We then became an official couple weeks later, once the dust had settled. Before that happened, she expressed an interest in us starting off as an open relationship. I told her I only wanted her. She happily agreed.
Fast forward 3 years and we are now married, with two more children to add to my now stepson (from a previous relationship, which broke her resolve for more meaningful relationships before she met me) in a completely monogamous relationship. We still love spending time together, whether it’s playing Pandemic Legacy Board Games (a little close to home with the Pandemic right now, but we really enjoy it!), or just sitting on the sofa watching many of the TV shows we share interest in. Our emotional connection is still there and the sex is still fantastic and regular. Our sexual activity has diminished slightly from what it was with NRE, but we still easily have enough sex that our needs are fulfilled.
Everything is great. Except. For large parts of our relationship, I think once the NRE had dissipated, and indeed for large parts of my previous relationship, I found myself imagining being with other women sexually. I struggle to describe what these moments are. I think they’re kind of like dreams, it’s almost involuntary how my mind wanders to having sex with women from work. Or I think back to some of the encounters I had with the other women I cheated on my ex-gf with, before I met my wife.
Having said that, and despite the transgressions of my previous relationship, during this relationship and marriage I have remained completely faithful. I haven’t even as much as flirted with another woman, let alone engaged in any physical or cyber activity. But having these thoughts has troubled me. I am madly in love with my wife. Our marriage is all I was hoping it would be. This isn’t like with my ex-gf, I genuinely can’t put a finger on anything that is wrong with this relationship. Why, then, does my mind wander like this?
It’s something I’ve struggled to reconcile. But now, I’ve read this article I mentioned earlier. I did a little more research into non-monogamy more generally, rather than polyamory specifically. Now, I think, it’s clicked. As I said earlier, I think I am more naturally non-monogamous. And probably always have been.
In the context of some of the things I’ve experienced in the past, and explained in this post, things seem to make sense. I feel like I’m wired to desire certainly physical, probably also emotional, relationships with more than one person. The thoughts of being intimate with other women, the enjoyment I got from talking about my other relationships, the hearing about what she was experiencing and being happy for her, the sorts of people I was looking to cheat on my ex with. It all seems to lean towards a non-monogamous mentality that I’d never really opened myself up to think about previously.
I think the short answer is I need more time to think deeply about this, whether there truly is nothing that I’m missing in our marriage. Do some more reading about what is essentially still a very new thing to me. I’ve asked myself questions like “Do I think I could love more than one person?”, “Do I think having relations with other women would have an effect on how I feel about my wife?”. The answers have been pretty consistent with being non-monogamous.
I’m still very new to this, and again apologies for the long post. If you have any thoughts or advice on what I’ve said please do let me know. I’ve got to the point where I would really like to hear something other than the voices in my head as I start to get my head around this.
Until very recently I had never thought that any relationship structure outside of Monogamy really existed. Here in the UK one of our chief scientific advisors to the Government had to resign because he broke lockdown restrictions, which he was instrumental in implementing, to meet with his lover. I remember reading one or two lines of the story, thinking “oh dear” and then moving on to the rest of the day (the “oh dear” very much directed at his ignoring Government restrictions, much less the “scandal” of doing so to meet his lover).
I later came across an opinion piece on the website of one our newspapers which had a headline reading “I can't be furious with Professor Ferguson. Polyamory is more normal than you think.” Not knowing what that term meant, but assuming it had something to do with the reason he broke his own rules, I read through the article.
Suffice it to say I’m still trying to learn what polyamory, and even non-monogamy truly means. I’ve spent some time watching videos on the subject and reading blog posts, articles, and even some threads on this forum. I’m now beginning to question whether I am more naturally non-monogamous, than monogamous. I’ll explain why I’m re-evaluating this aspect of my life in a moment – but I guess ultimately what I’m trying to achieve with this post is two things:
1) To help with my understanding of what’s swirling round my head at the moment. I often find writing things down helps me to better articulate what I’m thinking and feeling.
2) To see what advice I might be able to garner, especially from people who may have gone through the same process I think I’m starting to right now.
As to how I got here. Roughly 4 years ago I had been in a completely monogamous relationship for about 10 years. I came to realise that my needs weren’t being fulfilled, specifically with regards to sex. I spoke to my gf about this a few times, and at one point she said “Well I feel like I have you now, so I don’t feel I need to put the effort in”. At that point I started to feel pretty down about the relationship.
What I should have done is understand the relationship didn’t really have a future and break up with her. What I did do was surmise that I still loved her and if sex is the only thing that was missing (you’ll not be shocked to hear that, in hindsight, it definitely was not the only thing missing) then I should just look elsewhere. I secretly joined a dating app, which was focussed around extra-marital affairs, and started to have casual relationships with other women who were in a similar sort of situation. I knew that what I was doing was cheating.
With every woman I spoke to, I was clear that I didn’t want to leave my gf and that what I was looking for was someone I can connect with emotionally as well as physically. We should be able to get along easily, it shouldn’t feel particularly forced and we should be sexually compatible. Because, to me, good sex isn’t just about the act itself, but about enjoying sharing those moments with someone you have respect for and enjoying the pleasure it brings to both of us.
I had met up with and had fun experiences with a few women but then I came into contact with my now wife through the app. We hit it off immediately, in a different, deeper way than any of the other women I had spoken to or met up with. What was different with her is that she was single, having “given up” on serious relationships and falling in love again. She was regularly having sex with a married man from work, and engaged in casual sex with a number of other people as and when the opportunities arose. Some of the “other” stuff had dried up, so she signed up to the app to see what she could find.
We started to fall for each other, hard. We would tell each other about the other people we were seeing and I really enjoyed and almost thrived on that openness and honesty. It was certainly more openness and honesty I was sharing with my gf, while I readily admit I share the blame there. We also gave details about our sexual encounters with these people, which to begin with I enjoyed, but the more I fell in love with her the more painful I found it hearing about another man being with her. I was always happy for her, because I know she looked forward to their encounters and really enjoyed them. But I got to a point where I thought, “that should be me, though”. She later confessed to me she eventually came to the same conclusion, and that she was now ready to be in a serious relationship again: with me.
Eventually we did meet, and shortly after I did what I should have done months earlier and broke up with my gf. We then became an official couple weeks later, once the dust had settled. Before that happened, she expressed an interest in us starting off as an open relationship. I told her I only wanted her. She happily agreed.
Fast forward 3 years and we are now married, with two more children to add to my now stepson (from a previous relationship, which broke her resolve for more meaningful relationships before she met me) in a completely monogamous relationship. We still love spending time together, whether it’s playing Pandemic Legacy Board Games (a little close to home with the Pandemic right now, but we really enjoy it!), or just sitting on the sofa watching many of the TV shows we share interest in. Our emotional connection is still there and the sex is still fantastic and regular. Our sexual activity has diminished slightly from what it was with NRE, but we still easily have enough sex that our needs are fulfilled.
Everything is great. Except. For large parts of our relationship, I think once the NRE had dissipated, and indeed for large parts of my previous relationship, I found myself imagining being with other women sexually. I struggle to describe what these moments are. I think they’re kind of like dreams, it’s almost involuntary how my mind wanders to having sex with women from work. Or I think back to some of the encounters I had with the other women I cheated on my ex-gf with, before I met my wife.
Having said that, and despite the transgressions of my previous relationship, during this relationship and marriage I have remained completely faithful. I haven’t even as much as flirted with another woman, let alone engaged in any physical or cyber activity. But having these thoughts has troubled me. I am madly in love with my wife. Our marriage is all I was hoping it would be. This isn’t like with my ex-gf, I genuinely can’t put a finger on anything that is wrong with this relationship. Why, then, does my mind wander like this?
It’s something I’ve struggled to reconcile. But now, I’ve read this article I mentioned earlier. I did a little more research into non-monogamy more generally, rather than polyamory specifically. Now, I think, it’s clicked. As I said earlier, I think I am more naturally non-monogamous. And probably always have been.
In the context of some of the things I’ve experienced in the past, and explained in this post, things seem to make sense. I feel like I’m wired to desire certainly physical, probably also emotional, relationships with more than one person. The thoughts of being intimate with other women, the enjoyment I got from talking about my other relationships, the hearing about what she was experiencing and being happy for her, the sorts of people I was looking to cheat on my ex with. It all seems to lean towards a non-monogamous mentality that I’d never really opened myself up to think about previously.
I think the short answer is I need more time to think deeply about this, whether there truly is nothing that I’m missing in our marriage. Do some more reading about what is essentially still a very new thing to me. I’ve asked myself questions like “Do I think I could love more than one person?”, “Do I think having relations with other women would have an effect on how I feel about my wife?”. The answers have been pretty consistent with being non-monogamous.
I’m still very new to this, and again apologies for the long post. If you have any thoughts or advice on what I’ve said please do let me know. I’ve got to the point where I would really like to hear something other than the voices in my head as I start to get my head around this.
