First contact

[Gingerbredman]

My partner has been talking online with someone for many months now (we can call them HL). They recently elevated their communication to actually talking on the phone. I asked if I would be able to be included in their phone call so I could meet HL. It felt awkward and wasn’t very long. We just said hi, basically.

The next day, my partner asked if I would be willing to answer more questions from HL. That call lasted quite a bit longer. They had some big questions. They are approaching this V on a very intellectual level. I appreciate that HL is being respectful of my thoughts and feelings, knowing that this is all new for my partner and me, but it kind of felt like I was trying to convince them to come be with my partner.

I’ve been having some feelings I don’t understand since then. I’ve tried to sit with them and experience them and understand what they are trying to tell me. I’m not sure what the feelings are exactly. Some jealousy, for sure, because the few phone calls have lasted for hours, and I can’t remember the last time my partner and I talked for hours. But I don’t understand what is having such an effect on my mental health. I feel like I am trying to do everything the “right way” but I want to scream and run maniacally through the neighborhood.

 

[XTremeMeow]

My partner who has been talking online with someone for many months now (we can call them HL) and they recently elevated their communication to actually talking on the phone. I asked if I would be able to be included in their phone call so I could meet HL. It felt awkward and wasn’t very long just said hi basically. The next day my partner asked if I would be willing to answer more questions from HL. That call lasted quite a bit longer. They had some big questions and they are approaching this V on a very intellectual level. I appreciate that HL is being respectful of my thoughts and feelings, knowing that this is all new for my partner and I, but it kind of felt like I was trying to convince them to come be with my partner. I’ve been having some feelings I don’t understand since then. I’ve tried to sit with them and experience them and understand what they are trying to tell me. I’m not sure what the feelings are exactly. Some jealousy for sure because the few phone calls have lasted for hours and I can’t remember the last time my partner and I talked for hours. But I don’t understand what is having such an effect on my mental health. I feel like I am trying to do everything the “right way” but I want to scream and run maniacally through the neighborhood.

Hey, I really hear you. What you’re feeling makes complete sense, and nothing about your reaction is wrong or “immature.” Opening up a relationship, especially when it’s the first time, stirs up emotions you didn’t even know you had. It’s not just jealousy; it’s uncertainty, fear of being sidelined, and the sudden shift in what used to feel familiar and predictable.

It also sounds like you’ve been putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be the “perfect poly partner,” to do everything the “right way,” to be gracious and calm even when everything inside you is moving. That alone can be exhausting.

The call with HL was respectful, yes, but it also put you in a strange position. You went from saying a quick hello to feeling like you had to justify your partner or present your relationship to someone who hasn’t even met you in person. That can absolutely leave you feeling exposed, judged, or even subtly displaced.

And the long phone conversations? I get why that stings. It’s not necessarily that you don’t want them to have connection… it’s that you’re noticing something you miss in your own relationship: that long, easy, intimate talking-with-no-time-limit feeling. It touches a tender spot, and that’s completely normal.

 

[Magdlyn]

My partner has been talking online with someone for many months now (we can call them HL). They recently elevated their communication to actually talking on the phone. I asked if I would be able to be included in their phone call so I could meet HL. It felt awkward and wasn’t very long. We just said hi, basically.

So far, so good. If you are newer to polyamory, meeting a metamour can feel very stressful. Even if you're experienced at poly, meeting a metamour can feel like meeting your partner's parents for the first time. You want to make a good impression, you're afraid they won't like you, etc.

The next day, my partner asked if I would be willing to answer more questions from HL. That call lasted quite a bit longer. They had some big questions. They are approaching this V on a very intellectual level. I appreciate that HL is being respectful of my thoughts and feelings, knowing that this is all new for my partner and me, but it kind of felt like I was trying to convince them to come be with my partner.

Well, there was no reason for you to "answer more questions from HL." As their metamour, it is certainly not your responsibility to share with them your feelings around polyamory, or to educate them about polyamory, or whatever it was. You can share their questions here, if you want, if you think it would help you.

Back when I was newer to poly, I'd been on this board for several years, and a bf of mine started dating a couple who was new to poly. He was also fairly inexperienced in poly. He asked me to share some links with this couple, because of my greater general knowledge. I did, but I felt weird about it. I'd never do that again.

But I am not a person who is interested in getting entangled with my metamours, especially not when they first start dating my SO. It isn't necessary. They are dating your SO, not you. If your SO and their new SO want to work out their kinks, or learn more about poly, etc., it isn't required of you to share more than you feel 100% comfortable doing.

I’ve been having some feelings I don’t understand since then. I’ve tried to sit with them and experience them and understand what they are trying to tell me. I’m not sure what the feelings are, exactly. Some jealousy, for sure, because the few phone calls have lasted for hours, and I can’t remember the last time my partner and I talked for hours. But I don’t understand what is having such an effect on my mental health. I feel like I am trying to do everything the “right way” but I want to scream and run maniacally through the neighborhood.

Your partner is experiencing NRE, so they are probably kind of obsessed with their new partner. It also sounds like this relationship is long distance, so the only contact they have is texting, and now phoning? Are you local to your partner? A few more details would help.

Welcome to the board.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Gingerbredman,

It sounds like your partner is having NRE with HL. NRE is a strong internal drug and it impairs judgment. Your partner is obsessing over HL while neglecting you in comparison. Tell your partner that you have noticed the long phone calls, and that you miss the long conversations the two of you used to have. When competing with NRE, it is okay to tell your partner, "Hey, I'm still here. I still need your time and affection." Don't take the neglect quietly.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Gingerbredman]

Thanks for the feedback y’all. I am a nesting partner in the USA and HL is long distance in the UK. I was comfortable answering most of HL’s questions. My partner and I think KTP is the best route to go for us, so communication and friendship between all is the desired route. I did express my need for attention and my partner seems to have taken it to heart wanting to set more time aside for just us. It is difficult for them to slow down. Jessica Fern refers to poly as orientation type people as rocket ships. My partner definitely embodies that stereotype. On the other hand my meta and myself are poly by lifestyle and much more analytical, requiring more study, more questions and more learning.

So far, so good. If you are newer to polyamory, meeting a metamour can feel very stressful. Even if you're experienced at poly, meeting a metamour can feel like meeting your partner's parents for the first time. You want to make a good impression, you're afraid they won't like you, etc.

Yes, absolutely. This. As the primary or nesting partner shouldn’t it be the other way around? The other person needs to impress me?

When competing with NRE, it is okay to tell your partner, "Hey, I'm still here. I still need your time and affection." Don't take the neglect quietly.

I am learning how to do that and not seem (to my partner) like I am just trying to put barriers between them and constrict my partners freedoms. Talking about boundaries and what I need to feel safe, although necessary, was a tough one for my partner to sit with and realize it was not about constraining freedoms. SMH rocket ships.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for the feedback y’all. I am a nesting partner in the USA and HL is long distance in the UK.

Oh, so despite living together, you and your nesting partner hadn't had any hours-long talks in a while. I guess you can make more time for that. A road trip is a good way to arrange for lots of talking, I have found. When you live together, there are so many distractions from long talks, media especially, or needing to do housework, or doing unshared hobbies.

My female partner Pixi and I usually end up gabbing for a good hour or two when we reunite after spending a few days with our bfs. Girl talk, blah blah blah. She is so different from my bf, so I find I'd really missed her perspective on things I'd been doing, thinking, watching, etc., while we were apart.

I was comfortable answering most of HL’s questions. My partner and I think KTP is the best route to go for us, so communication and friendship between all is the desired route.

But you said you kind of felt like you were trying to convince your new metamour to be with your nesting partner? Why did that happen? Why would that be your role, or even desire?

I did express my need for attention and my partner seems to have taken it to heart wanting to set more time aside for just us. It is difficult for them to slow down. Jessica Fern refers to poly as orientation type people as rocket ships. My partner definitely embodies that stereotype.

I had to look up Jessica Fern. I see she wrote Polysecure.

I've been poly all my (long) life, but since I haven't read that book, I don't know why I'd be considered a rocket ship. Care to explain?

On the other hand, my meta and myself are poly by lifestyle and much more analytical, requiring more study, more questions and more learning.

Yes, absolutely. This. As the primary or nesting partner shouldn’t it be the other way around? The other person needs to impress me?

Not in my opinion. I don't think anyone should be trying to impress anyone. Everyone should just be themselves, and if others find that appealing, great. If someone isn't into the "real you," there shouldn't be a relationship, either platonic or romantic. I mean, in-laws are different. You're kinda stuck with them. My ex-husband's parents were super conservative, so I could never fully be myself around them. There were definitely parts of my opinions and lifestyle that I didn't reveal to them.

I used to try to do KTP, but I don't anymore, so I can't fully invest in this problem. Maybe my metamour will feel like a brother or sister, or maybe they will feel like the checkout person at the grocery store. But I can be myself around them, no matter what. Or just not spend time with them.

I am learning how to do that and not seem (to my partner) like I am just trying to put barriers between them and constrict my partners freedoms. Talking about boundaries and what I need to feel safe, although necessary, was a tough one for my partner to sit with and realize it was not about constraining freedoms. SMH rocket ships.

Hmm, I may be a rocket ship, but I quickly learned when beginning to actually consciously practice polyamory, not to neglect my current partner for a new shiny one. I mean, I believe in good manners, empathy and respect. I'm not selfish.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this helps you any.

I think you could be less involved in your partner's other dating life. It's your job to educate yourself on polyamory. It's not your job to educate your meta.

My partner and I think KTP is the best route to go for us, so communication and friendship between all is the desired route.

Yes, you can hope for that. But you can't force it. You are not the only people in the mix who'd have to consent for that to happen.

You might not "click" for KTP with some of the people your NP dates. Or they might not "click" with some of the people you date. The new partners themselves may not want KTP. They are dating you, not your partner. Or they are dating your partner, not you.

Best to start with parallel poly and just be basic polite if you happen to bump into a meta in town while shopping or something. Since this is an LDR with HL, you don't even have to worry about that right now.

Take it on a "case by case" basis, and if people "click" enough over time for more, you can go to "garden party poly" with that person, or even "KTP" with that person.

Do you have separate bedrooms in this floor plan? You might think about that, if you don't already. It makes hosting easier, and same for private phone/online dates.

So far, so good. If you are newer to polyamory, meeting a metamour can feel very stressful. Even if you're experienced at poly, meeting a metamour can feel like meeting your partner's parents for the first time. You want to make a good impression, you're afraid they won't like you, etc.

Yes, absolutely. This. As the primary or nesting partner shouldn’t it be the other way around? The other person needs to impress me?

No. They do not need to impress you. You aren't dating your meta and they aren't dating you. Neither one of you has to be anything to each other or impress each other. You didn't even have to talk to them on the phone. You could have told hinge, "No, thanks. You can tell can tell them 'hi' from me, but it's too soon to be chatting with each other. Y'all date for a few months first."

A lot of early dating just doesn't pan out. So why put this much effort this early if this is just gonna fizzle out? It's okay to wait to meet a meta. Maybe the hinge dates them for 6-12 months first before you meet them. See if they even stick around and make it that long first.

You have your own hobbies, friends, family, and dating life, right? Why would you fill your time with people you aren't involved with?

I am learning how to do that and not seem (to my partner) like I am just trying to put barriers between them and constrict my partners freedoms. Talking about boundaries and what I need to feel safe, although necessary, was a tough one for my partner to sit with and realize it was not about constraining freedoms. SMH rocket ships.

If your nesting partner wants to be a hinge, then they have to hinge, and take care of all their partners and those relationships. That's not restricting their freedom any. That's them tending to each of their relationships.

Some things you figure out as you go. But some starting suggestions to talk about:

• You could read poly hell together and talk about ways to minimize those things and how to handle NRE.
• you could set regular dates on the schedule for you and your NP for the quarter or semester. Then mix it up the next quarter/semester. What they do on the other days is their business. Same for you.
• Devices are put away during 1:1 dates with you.
  • If it's just hanging out together at home? Not a date? You just happen to both be home at the same time? That's another story. You can do whatever you want, and they can do whatever they want during that time.
• No texting people in bed with you. Get up and text from another room. You need sleep. You do the same courtesy.
• No fobbing their chores (home care, pet care, kid care, elder care, whatever) on you from the sky and taking off for a date. (Online, phone, in person whatever.) Do their chores first, then go on the date. Otherwise they stink as a roomie and you might consider dating but not living together.
• Dating budgets come out of personal checking. Shared checking is for home bills (if you have shared).

I feel like I am trying to do everything the “right way,” but I want to scream and run maniacally through the neighborhood.

Right way for who, though? Don't overextend yourself. You are not dating HL. You don't have to lift a finger.

Talk about privacy in each dyad and what is/is not the hinge oversharing. You might not want them leaking things from one side of the poly V on to the other side.

When it was just you two, you might have gotten in the habit of "telling each other everything" because there was only one dyad of (You + hinge.) Now there is (you + hinge) and (HL + hinge.) Every dyad deserves some privacy.

Galagirl

 

[Gingerbredman]

I feel like I am not really able to get everything down in text and you are only getting half of what I want to write. I do however want to thank you all for taking the time to respond and offer advice/direction.