i began seeing someone romantically that i have known since i was a teenager. i overlooked a lot of red flags. both my live-in partner, my sister, and one of my other partners voiced concerns. i feel like i am broken for feeling so heartbroken despite these red flags and knowing deep down it was doomed from the beginning.
i am very close with my sister. he (M) is my brother-in-law’s best friend. we are close and grew up together. last summer while visiting them, M spoke up about being attracted to me. it turned into a magical night that makes me confused (i will talk more about that). he told me he loved me that night. the next few weeks, he said he wanted to marry me, didn’t want to have kids but could see himself having them with me. i told him that i don’t have a lot of time and was clear that i wouldn’t be abandoning my relationships, becoming mono, etc. i needed space/time away from that experience to come back down to earth and look at the situation. he also broke it off with his fiance. i thought time would be best for us both.
despite advice not to, i continued connecting with him (sent text/voice/video messages to each other multiple times a day). he made me feel so good. made me appreciate myself - told me how light and refreshed i make him feel. i felt like he appreciated every part of me. he had bought a house and made me key and explained i was always welcome and could have any space in his home. three months later, i decided to give it a try.
the first month or so into the relationship, i was in the clouds. his family was ecstatic that we “finally got together”. we leaned into some kinks we hadn’t discussed with anyone before (“daddy”, “baby/good girl” type stuff). he went down on me a lot, rubbed me, kissed me everywhere. i felt like i could disappear from everything in his arms. he felt like a safe space for me.
we got into heated discussions after he would become aloof. i once knew so all about his days - he text/video/voice chatted me so much. when i voiced concern over the distance, he explained he needed to see me more. i literally did not have enough days in the week. it became difficult to navigate. he began seeing his ex (everyone knew about the situation - she and i had also talked).
the warmth i felt faded unless we were physically together (about twice a week). we didn’t have to have sex when we were together. talking and laughing was as easy as it had always been when we were in person. then the sex definitely changed. there was much less focus on me. it became difficult for him to orgasm - it became centered around that.
red flags (i think) i ignored:
* the first time we had sex, he pressured me a lot. i told him it wasn’t a good idea, he was still with his fiance. i hate to say he “wore me down” because the night was magical, but he pushed for about an hour.
* the first time he stayed with his ex, he didn’t tell me though i was clear that it was fine - i just didn’t want to be surprised. he shared his location before we started seeing each other in person (i never asked for this and never shared my location with him), so that was the only way i knew. when i asked why he didn’t tell me he had stayed. he explained that he had been asleep and that i took the opportunity away from him.
* before we started seeing each other, he hooked up with his ex a lot. he said he would pretend like it was me to help him orgasm and pulled her hair. i asked for clarification (like… she wanted that, right?) but it felt weird.
* he said that i berated him and told him to “shut up”. i know that can’t be true. another time, he said i was being hostile (via messaging) when i wasn’t.
* when having a hard time orgasming, he became audibly/visibly frustrated, bit my arm, and said something like, ”i’m not gonna be able to cum if you don’t slow down, i keep telling you”. i like seeing bruises from sex but this felt different. when he said he didn’t remember biting me, i decided not to bring it up more.
* whenever i explained to him that the change in our communication bothered me, he would accuse me of trying to “change him”
our final conversation was about the last asterisk. i told him i needed a day to think and that i would contact him tuesday. he was surprised hearing from me, said he didn’t think i wanted to be with him anymore. i told him that i re-read our convo and didn’t see me express any indicatication of that. he said he “didn’t like that” regarding me re-read our conversation. i said i was touching base to see if he wanted to talk - like i said i would. he said his ex stayed the night (no big deal) because she had to do laundry (weird detail). he said he wasn’t happy and didn‘t like how i had been talking to him. he said we needed a break. i was expecting an apology - he had been so short and cold.
i hung up on him. i was shocked and upset. i keep thinking i shouldn’t have hung up on him. i’m surprised/sad that he hasn‘t tried to contact me after talking everyday since the summer.
is this normal to feel so connected to someone that you can logically see isn’t a good fit/possibly toxic? i wish this was a stranger or new person. not someone i will definitely be seeing again. not someone i already trusted.
i am very close with my sister. he (M) is my brother-in-law’s best friend. we are close and grew up together. last summer while visiting them, M spoke up about being attracted to me. it turned into a magical night that makes me confused (i will talk more about that). he told me he loved me that night. the next few weeks, he said he wanted to marry me, didn’t want to have kids but could see himself having them with me. i told him that i don’t have a lot of time and was clear that i wouldn’t be abandoning my relationships, becoming mono, etc. i needed space/time away from that experience to come back down to earth and look at the situation. he also broke it off with his fiance. i thought time would be best for us both.
despite advice not to, i continued connecting with him (sent text/voice/video messages to each other multiple times a day). he made me feel so good. made me appreciate myself - told me how light and refreshed i make him feel. i felt like he appreciated every part of me. he had bought a house and made me key and explained i was always welcome and could have any space in his home. three months later, i decided to give it a try.
the first month or so into the relationship, i was in the clouds. his family was ecstatic that we “finally got together”. we leaned into some kinks we hadn’t discussed with anyone before (“daddy”, “baby/good girl” type stuff). he went down on me a lot, rubbed me, kissed me everywhere. i felt like i could disappear from everything in his arms. he felt like a safe space for me.
we got into heated discussions after he would become aloof. i once knew so all about his days - he text/video/voice chatted me so much. when i voiced concern over the distance, he explained he needed to see me more. i literally did not have enough days in the week. it became difficult to navigate. he began seeing his ex (everyone knew about the situation - she and i had also talked).
the warmth i felt faded unless we were physically together (about twice a week). we didn’t have to have sex when we were together. talking and laughing was as easy as it had always been when we were in person. then the sex definitely changed. there was much less focus on me. it became difficult for him to orgasm - it became centered around that.
red flags (i think) i ignored:
* the first time we had sex, he pressured me a lot. i told him it wasn’t a good idea, he was still with his fiance. i hate to say he “wore me down” because the night was magical, but he pushed for about an hour.
* the first time he stayed with his ex, he didn’t tell me though i was clear that it was fine - i just didn’t want to be surprised. he shared his location before we started seeing each other in person (i never asked for this and never shared my location with him), so that was the only way i knew. when i asked why he didn’t tell me he had stayed. he explained that he had been asleep and that i took the opportunity away from him.
* before we started seeing each other, he hooked up with his ex a lot. he said he would pretend like it was me to help him orgasm and pulled her hair. i asked for clarification (like… she wanted that, right?) but it felt weird.
* he said that i berated him and told him to “shut up”. i know that can’t be true. another time, he said i was being hostile (via messaging) when i wasn’t.
* when having a hard time orgasming, he became audibly/visibly frustrated, bit my arm, and said something like, ”i’m not gonna be able to cum if you don’t slow down, i keep telling you”. i like seeing bruises from sex but this felt different. when he said he didn’t remember biting me, i decided not to bring it up more.
* whenever i explained to him that the change in our communication bothered me, he would accuse me of trying to “change him”
our final conversation was about the last asterisk. i told him i needed a day to think and that i would contact him tuesday. he was surprised hearing from me, said he didn’t think i wanted to be with him anymore. i told him that i re-read our convo and didn’t see me express any indicatication of that. he said he “didn’t like that” regarding me re-read our conversation. i said i was touching base to see if he wanted to talk - like i said i would. he said his ex stayed the night (no big deal) because she had to do laundry (weird detail). he said he wasn’t happy and didn‘t like how i had been talking to him. he said we needed a break. i was expecting an apology - he had been so short and cold.
i hung up on him. i was shocked and upset. i keep thinking i shouldn’t have hung up on him. i’m surprised/sad that he hasn‘t tried to contact me after talking everyday since the summer.
is this normal to feel so connected to someone that you can logically see isn’t a good fit/possibly toxic? i wish this was a stranger or new person. not someone i will definitely be seeing again. not someone i already trusted.
