First Mono/Poly Relationship with a Double-Vee

datapirate

New member
Where to start. I'm not really sure what my goal is in posting, aside from maybe insight and to find out if anyone can relate. I've done a lot of research, and I can't really seem to find any similar stories or situations.

I (34m) and my wife S (34f) have been together for almost 14 years, married 9. We have 2 young kids, and we're in a happy stable relationship. Not to say we haven't had our ups and downs over the years, but she's absolutely my best friend and my rock and we both would say we're solid and in a good place.

We talked early on about how most relationships we've seen go through some point of infidelity, or needs not being met, or how a new unexpected attraction may come along one day and we should always communicate, rather than hide or suppress.

Some history on S:

My wife was in an (undeclared) poly Vee in college with two boyfriends (We'll call them #1 and #2). It lasted for awhile, but ended terribly. The first time I met her (through mutual friends) she was still in the relationship. The second time I met her it had just ended. Essentially, everyone appeared to be happy, co-sharing time, group dates, the metamours were besties, etc. Then one day #1 walked in on S & #2 and cried foul, denying any knowledge of the situation and accusing S of cheating. The Vee broke up. Enough on that.

After we started dating, she always talked about her BFF from childhood, J. Any time J was brought up, it was always fiercely loving and loyal despite having had a fallout during their teenage years. "People thought we were dating all the time, even the teachers" J got a boyfriend. S was emotionally devastated, and had to separate herself (breakup) from J for mental health, not being able to act as a third wheel. Over time, they were still "friends", but it was distant and definitely more effort was made on S's part to keep in contact. I had my suspicions that S was Bi, but didn't realize it. Fast forward a few years, and S came to terms with it after an encounter one night. She is, indeed, bisexual. She regrets not recognizing it sooner. She was in love with her friend, and maybe things could have turned out different. Being an adult, married, and monogamous obviously means that the window for her experience is closed. Right?

The Situation:
I travel a lot for work. Sometimes just a few days, sometimes for weeks. After a few years into our first child, my absence made it difficult for my wife to continue working and only seeing our kid in the evenings. She quit her job to freelance from home. While it definitely made her feel closer to our kid, she also has to deal with the pressures of running the house, chasing after a kid, and lost having other adult peers to talk to. Friends have been flakey and fairweather. Her parents (whom we lived near) are generally narcissistic and/or selfish. It's been really hard on her.

Present Day:
For awhile now, I've suggested she get a girlfriend. Not "us", her. My thinking has been that she regrets not exploring that side of herself, and she could also find companionship and comfort. This idea has been brought up periodically since her "awakening", but she never felt it was practical or necessary. I'm pretty sure she was afraid to be "outed" in her hometown and have to deal with the fallout. We've since moved to a pretty liberal area but she is also in a new place with less friends to talk to. More isolation. She doesn't have many fucks left to give. She's decided to give it a go.

I'm monogamous. I have no desire to romance, sleep with, or deal with another partner. The very idea of it is stressful to me. Even if it wasn't, S has no desire to share me with another woman. I understand that. I have no desire to share her with another man. I know this isn't traditional "polyamory", but it's where we're at.

She started talking to someone on the Her app, A, and they've hit it off. Kinda. Both are a bit wary. A is engaged and her ACE lesbian partner suggested she find a girlfriend to fill the gap. A's fiancé wants a DADT situation. A decided to give it a try the same time S did. S is interested and excited, but unsure if this is something that's right or doable for either of them. There is full communication between S and A about this.

I've done a tremendous amount of reading over the years, (and way more now that it's "real"): "More Than Two", Reddit, forums, etc. Now that we're here, I feel a mix of insecurity and compersion. I'm super excited for her, and I hope it (or maybe someone else, who knows) works out. Their first "date" is next Saturday. I'm really looking forward to my wife having someone to bring additional companionship and love, she deserves it. But wow, the emotions that come with changing a mindset from mono to poly are heavy.

We're both generally pretty private about our sex life to others. We've always had a "our business" policy. Now that she's talking to A, she's private about that as well. I don't and didn't expect to be privy to their conversations or A's business. It's not my relationship, and A deserves privacy and respect. But I feel like I'm intruding. She walks or turns away to text, and generally doesn't speak about ANYTHING going on. It's unnerving, and makes me feel like the whole thing is a secret. I go out of my way to provide privacy, I took a vacation day for her date so she wouldn't have to cancel if I had work things, etc. We've talked about it, and she reassured me that while she would obviously respect A's privacy, she would be OK answering any questions I may have. I appreciate that, but I'm not trying to be nosy, and I don't really have any questions. I guess I imagined it more as a "Hi BFF, let me tell you about my thoughts and feelings as I go through this" and not "I'll provide answers if you need them." Like I said, it's just unnerving.

So here I am, openly encouraging my wife to have a relationship with someone else because I don't feel like I can provide enough (insecurity). I don't want to invade her space, this is a transition for her too. She hasn't "played the dating game" for 14 years, and I know she wants to do this with space at her own pace. We haven't told anyone (including close friends) because it's still way too early to even think about it. So I'm just trying not to get lost in my own mind through this process. I trust her, I'm happy for her, I'm not "worried" about "us", I'm not jealous, I'm just going through all of these emotions by myself. It's a lot.

Anything you'd like to share would be appreciated. Thank you for reading my novel.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello datapirate,

For the most part, I think everything is going as it should go for you, for transitioning into a mono/poly relationship. The only part I see missing, perhaps, is full transparency on the part of S. I mean, sure, S is willing to answer any questions you may have, but what if there's something you need to know, and you just can't think of the right question? I think it would go more smoothly if S would just speak from the heart, and tell you whatever she feels you may need to know. Other than that, I feel that the transition to mono/poly is going really smoothly, and I just want to commend you on doing your homework, and finding out what it takes to have a successful poly relationship. If you're willing, keep us updated on this thread, on anything significant that develops in this evolving situation. In turn, we will continue to try to give you more advice and feedback.

Kudos and best wishes,
Kevin T.
 

datapirate

New member
Hello datapirate,

For the most part, I think everything is going as it should go for you, for transitioning into a mono/poly relationship. The only part I see missing, perhaps, is full transparency on the part of S. I mean, sure, S is willing to answer any questions you may have, but what if there's something you need to know, and you just can't think of the right question? I think it would go more smoothly if S would just speak from the heart, and tell you whatever she feels you may need to know. Other than that, I feel that the transition to mono/poly is going really smoothly, and I just want to commend you on doing your homework, and finding out what it takes to have a successful poly relationship. If you're willing, keep us updated on this thread, on anything significant that develops in this evolving situation. In turn, we will continue to try to give you more advice and feedback.

Kudos and best wishes,
Kevin T.
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I certainly will. I assume that these feelings will subside over time after adjustment if everything continues in a healthy fashion.

I think that after feeling like I was mentally prepared, it was just an unexpected brutal awakening with reality vs concept.

I don't fault her "lack" of transparency, I completely understand it. This is new and scary territory for her too. I encouraged this, and she's bravely going forth. She _has_ been forthright with anything I've asked, and has communicated multiple times that if I change my mind she would be disappeared and upset, but would honor the request. I'm not sure this genie could ever be put back in the bottle, but I worry less about that and more with having a healthy transition.

Posting here (and on reddit) is actually a suggestion from my wife after I expressed the frustration with feeling so solitary on dealing with the situation, but both of us not yet wanting to bring others "in the know".

Who knows? A might not work out (though I hope she does, it seems to be a great fit*). It's more about the adjustment in reality and feelings than the "idea" of having to adapt to something I didn't want. That seems to be a common thread in a lot of mono/poly threads I've seen.

*I love the idea of her finding a lesbian (in another primary relationship!) because I don't want the unnecessary stress of potential doubt or worry that I'm not being honest with her or myself and am trying to go for some full triad situation
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi DP,

It sounds like she has been good about answering your questions; I don't think she is hiding anything from you; this is just very new to her and she doesn't know what to say. When you ask her a question, it acts as a prompt that helps her know what to say. I think you are both feeling your way around, it's like you have blindfolds on and you're not sure what to do.

To keep the communication flowing, I suggest the two of you have a regular time, say once a week or once every other week, when you'll sit down and touch base with each other about how you're feeling, and how things are going as far as meeting your wants and needs. To prepare for these sit-downs, you could write up a list of concerns, things you want to discuss, and make two copies so you can both read them ahead of time, then refer to them when you do sit down. It's really important that you keep each other up to date, on your feelings and on the practicalities of the situation, and that you check with each other on any assumptions you may have. I think it's significant that you feel that A is an ideal match as a lesbian in another primary relationship, and I encourage you to explain to S why that is.

Definitely keep posting in reddit and on here. You need that extra support while you are keeping your poly arrangement "in the closet" with your friends and family.

Here's a few mono/poly links I have:
Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Active member
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I certainly will. I assume that these feelings will subside over time after adjustment if everything continues in a healthy fashion.

I think that after feeling like I was mentally prepared, it was just an unexpected brutal awakening with reality vs concept.


Everything we do is a world apart from what it seems like when we're just reading about it, or watching videos or whatever. Having kids especially comes to my mind. The reality of that aching love when you first hold your newborn can never be fully described in a book. You have to experience it.

The same goes for polyamory. I do see some issues with your mindset, apart from what you seem aware of.

Poly does not mean triads. And 3 people in a V (like S and her two bfs) are not "in a relationship." There are several completely separate relationships.

Your wife doesn't need to date a lesbian for you to appear as not wanting to date any of your metamours. S (she needs a nickname, initials don't work here) could be dating the most gorgeous intelligent flirtatious yummy hot bi babe you ever saw, and she is off limits to you. You just set that boundary. Even if she likes men, she is not up for grabs.

I've had to stop introducing my female live-in partner Pixi to men I date, because an uncomfortable amount of them "got ideas" about her, just because she is friendly and fun to be around. We date separately now, and we can't do "kitchen table poly" because men are horndogs. A few of my bfs have understood that an Open relationship can have definite boundaries about who is available for sex and who isn't. But way too many men I've talked to or met seemed to think it was open season on both of us. How many men on OKCupid, upon finding out I have a partner, ask me if we could have a threesome, without knowing one thing about her, what she looks like, anything? Dear lord.
I don't fault her "lack" of transparency, I completely understand it. This is new and scary territory for her too. I encouraged this, and she's bravely going forth. She _has_ been forthright with anything I've asked, and has communicated multiple times that if I change my mind she would be disappointed and upset, but would honor the request. I'm not sure this genie could ever be put back in the bottle, but I worry less about that and more with having a healthy transition.


This is called a veto, and no one should have one. It seems S hasn't read enough about poly or she'd understand that vetos are not only unworkable (can't unring a bell) but are outright disrespectful to the unlucky person they dump, just to prop up the insecurities of their longer term primary. A relationship is between 2 people and should never be dictated to by a third party.
Posting here (and on reddit) is actually a suggestion from my wife after I expressed the frustration with feeling so solitary on dealing with the situation, but both of us not yet wanting to bring others "in the know".

Who knows? A might not work out (though I hope she does, it seems to be a great fit*). It's more about the adjustment in reality and feelings than the "idea" of having to adapt to something I didn't want. That seems to be a common thread in a lot of mono/poly threads I've seen.

*I love the idea of her finding a lesbian (in another primary relationship!) because I don't want the unnecessary stress of potential doubt or worry that I'm not being honest with her or myself and am trying to go for some full triad situation
"A" (who also might need a nickname if she works out for a while), is merely an unseen dating prospect. If I had a nickel for all the first or second dates I've been on that were one and done, I'd be able to buy... hmm, a nice week-long vacation, gas, hotel, food and souvenirs! lol ;)
 

datapirate

New member
Everything we do is a world apart from what it seems like when we're just reading about it, or watching videos or whatever. Having kids especially comes to my mind. The reality of that aching love when you first hold your newborn can never be fully described in a book. You have to experience it.
That's dead on.

The same goes for polyamory. I do see some issues with your mindset, apart from what you seem aware of.


Poly does not mean triads. And 3 people in a V (like S and her two bfs) are not "in a relationship." There are several completely separate relationships.
Totally understood. When I said that I first met her while she was "still in the relationship", I misspoke. She was still involved in two relationships. Also, most of what I've seen has been responses from triads or more, so my apologies for not getting the terminology right. Thank you for the correction.

Your wife doesn't need to date a lesbian for you to appear as not wanting to date any of your metamours. S (she needs a nickname, initials don't work here) could be dating the most gorgeous intelligent flirtatious yummy hot bi babe you ever saw, and she is off limits to you. You just set that boundary. Even if she likes men, she is not up for grabs.


I've had to stop introducing my female live-in partner Pixi to men I date, because an uncomfortable amount of them "got ideas" about her, just because she is friendly and fun to be around. We date separately now, and we can't do "kitchen table poly" because men are horndogs. A few of my bfs have understood that an Open relationship can have definite boundaries about who is available for sex and who isn't. But way too many men I've talked to or met seemed to think it was open season on both of us. How many men on OKCupid, upon finding out I have a partner, ask me if we could have a threesome, without knowing one thing about her, what she looks like, anything? Dear lord.
Also understood. Let me clarify what I meant. This situation is new to us, and through this period of growth and change and uncertainty I really don't want unnecessary stressors. It would be an added stressor for my wife to wonder if her new partner was flirting with me. Whether gay, bi, or whatever. It's an added stressor for me because I straight up don't want anyone to second-guess an interpretation of something, especially so early on.

I'll also note that I generally don't like guys as a whole. Don't get me wrong, I have a few really good guy friends. They truly are good guys. But I don't much like the way men are wired, including many elements of myself. Most of my close friends have been female over the years, and I'm generally more comfortable around them.

The generalization of them being "horndogs" is largely accurate. I've seen too many guys try to do some really shady $#!7 to me and my female friends. (A male friend I had known since I was 4 slept with my "ex-girlfriend" of four years the day we broke up, for instance) Guys are generally shitty.

This is called a veto, and no one should have one. It seems S hasn't read enough about poly or she'd understand that vetos are not only unworkable (can't unring a bell) but are outright disrespectful to the unlucky person they dump, just to prop up the insecurities of their longer term primary. A relationship is between 2 people and should never be dictated to by a third party.

"A" (who also might need a nickname if she works out for a while), is merely an unseen dating prospect. If I had a nickel for all the first or second dates I've been on that were one and done, I'd be able to buy... hmm, a nice week-long vacation, gas, hotel, food and souvenirs! lol ;)
"Star" and "Ashley" are just talking right now. They haven't yet met in person, and are just casually talking as friends right now, which I also encourage. The goal of this whole endeavor is to enrich life, not *just* to have sex. Maybe they'll be compatible, maybe not. Maybe they'll be great friends and nothing more, maybe not.

I've read extensively about the problems with a Veto. Star is unsure herself that she is comfortable opening herself up to someone else, what having an additional relationship would look like and entail, and whether that's path that is "doable" today or later on down the road. This has been communicated to Ashley, who is exploring an open relationship for the first time herself. Ashley is indeed an unseen dating prospect, not a materialized relationship. There's some space between here and there right now, and a lot (or nothing) could come of it.

We talked about the "Veto" situation in several circumstances, and though I'm sure she would respect my request, I'd never want to do that. It's unfair to her and any prospective partner. This is also why I'm reaching out for support and insight at this time. If Star and Ashley decided to proceed, I would cede the "Veto", a relationship that IS NOT MINE has been formed and be respected with all rights therein. The "Veto" at this point is more of a mutual respect for one another in this territory that's being explored. But as you said, you can't unring a bell, and the "Veto" isn't so much about denying Star a choice, but a mutual decision that could come from either of us before she "really embarks" that maybe the bell shouldn't be rung to begin with.

We're approaching this from a standpoint of her finding a Descriptive Secondary relationship. (Currently, conveniently, Ashley is looking for the same.) It's impractical and unfair for Star to look for or "offer" someone a Primary relationship at this time. This is also being communicated.

Thank you so much for chiming in!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
It sounds like Star and Ashley are pretty much in the preliminary stages right now; it's not (yet) something you could call a "relationship." I think you have the right idea, in that now is the time to decide whether Star and Ashley should proceed into the relationship territory ... and the only way they can figure that out, is, to talk. I would say you should continue on in the same direction you're going, for the moment. I'll keep following this thread, and let you know if I see anything different. For now, I think Star and Ashley should keep exploring with each other.
 

Magdlyn

Active member
When I said that I first met her while she was "still in the relationship", I misspoke. She was still involved in two relationships. Also, most of what I've seen has been responses from triads or more, so my apologies for not getting the terminology right. Thank you for the correction.
You've gotten advice from people in triads on other forums?
This situation is new to us, and through this period of growth and change and uncertainty I really don't want unnecessary stressors. It would be an added stressor for my wife to wonder if her new partner was flirting with me. Whether gay, bi, or whatever. It's an added stressor for me because I straight up don't want anyone to second-guess an interpretation of something, especially so early on.

Since women are generally more sensitive to emotions, I don't see why a bi woman would not be able to restrain herself from flirting with you, if she met you. Are you really that irresistible? ;)

Many lesbians won't date a bi woman, especially one who is actively engaged with a guy. They find it squicky. I just don't think your wife should only date lesbians out of fear that a bi woman would flirt with you, or try to seduce you. If one did flirt, you could just not respond, or actually tell her you find it inappropriate. If she wouldn't stop, that's when your wife could reconsider dating her.

Or, you could change your attitude about harmless flirting that doesn't really entail any designs on actual sex.


I'll also note that I generally don't like guys as a whole. Don't get me wrong, I have a few really good guy friends. They truly are good guys. But I don't much like the way men are wired, including many elements of myself. Most of my close friends have been female over the years, and I'm generally more comfortable around them.

The generalization of them being "horndogs" is largely accurate. I've seen too many guys try to do some really shady $#!7 to me and my female friends. (A male friend I had known since I was 4 slept with my "ex-girlfriend" of four years the day we broke up, for instance) Guys are generally shitty.


"Star" and "Ashley" are just talking right now. They haven't yet met in person, and are just casually talking as friends right now, which I also encourage. The goal of this whole endeavor is to enrich life, not *just* to have sex. Maybe they'll be compatible, maybe not. Maybe they'll be great friends and nothing more, maybe not.

I've read extensively about the problems with a Veto. Star is unsure herself that she is comfortable opening herself up to someone else, what having an additional relationship would look like and entail, and whether that's path that is "doable" today or later on down the road. This has been communicated to Ashley, who is exploring an open relationship for the first time herself. Ashley is indeed an unseen dating prospect, not a materialized relationship. There's some space between here and there right now, and a lot (or nothing) could come of it.

We talked about the "Veto" situation in several circumstances, and though I'm sure she would respect my request, I'd never want to do that. It's unfair to her and any prospective partner. This is also why I'm reaching out for support and insight at this time. If Star and Ashley decided to proceed, I would cede the "Veto", a relationship that IS NOT MINE has been formed and be respected with all rights therein. The "Veto" at this point is more of a mutual respect for one another in this territory that's being explored. But as you said, you can't unring a bell, and the "Veto" isn't so much about denying Star a choice, but a mutual decision that could come from either of us before she "really embarks" that maybe the bell shouldn't be rung to begin with.

OK, so it's not that you'd veto her relationship (if she was in one). It's just that Star herself isn't sure that poly is for her. She may be "relationship-saturated" with just one partner.
We're approaching this from a standpoint of her finding a Descriptive Secondary relationship. (Currently, conveniently, Ashley is looking for the same.) It's impractical and unfair for Star to look for or "offer" someone a Primary relationship at this time. This is also being communicated.

Thank you so much for chiming in!
You're welcome.
 

datapirate

New member
You've gotten advice from people in triads on other forums?
Just here and reddit.

Since women are generally more sensitive to emotions, I don't see why a bi woman would not be able to restrain herself from flirting with you, if she met you. Are you really that irresistible? ;)
Haha, in my dreams.

Many lesbians won't date a bi woman, especially one who is actively engaged with a guy. They find it squicky. I just don't think your wife should only date lesbians out of fear that a bi woman would flirt with you, or try to seduce you. If one did flirt, you could just not respond, or actually tell her you find it inappropriate. If she wouldn't stop, that's when your wife could reconsider dating her.

Or, you could change your attitude about harmless flirting that doesn't really entail any designs on actual sex.

Again, this is more about the idea of minimizing potential conflict/worry than it is about actually handling potential conflict/worry. I can promise that even if the hottest "bi babe" was flirting that it's a situation that would just be addressed and handled. I have 0% desire to add another into my life like that, and I'm sure Star would not want to second guess motives in potential partners.

Two of our best friends are lesbians, and there is a fair amount of harmless flirting, hugs, and general affection. There's also a piece of mind for everyone knowing that I'm not angling for anything. As we discussed before, most guys are pretty shitty and have a hard time keeping it in their pants. Probably why most lesbians find it "squicky"

OK, so it's not that you'd veto her relationship (if she was in one). It's just that Star herself isn't sure that poly is for her. She may be "relationship-saturated" with just one partner.

You're welcome.
Correct, and possibly. That's kinda what she's figuring out, and she's taking it slow with clear and open communication.
 

datapirate

New member
(question at the bottom)

So today, my wife Star and Ashley had their first date. Nothing significant to report according to my wife. Just met each other for the first time, seemed to vibe together ok, and she hopes it continues further. She likes Ashley, but isn't sure she's what Ashley is looking for. This was more of a "getting to know a stranger better" kind of casual outing, not a "romantic date-date" kind of outing.

We talked some more about everything the night before last as I've been trying to give her space or so with it all for the past week. I aired some fears/concerns/insecurities, and felt much better. I'm still excited for her, and still think it's a good idea, but it's also hard to transition away from a "mono" mindset. Like, is this/am I signing my own marriage death warrent? I know that's not the case, but also knowing that if I communicated this decision to almost anyone it would be met with "WTF ARE YOU DOING, NO, YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE!" just isn't a comfortable feeling.

I digress. She was excited to go out, and had some insecurity jitters last night about not knowing what to do, whether she is even someone that others would be looking for at 34 with two kids, etc. (Lol, she definitely is). I was excited for her too. She left and I had a day with the kids which was great.

But fuck. That feeling of "wtf is happening" and "wtf am I doing, what are WE doing" is hard to shake. I took half an ativan just to not be a nervous wreck.

So she made it back, and told me essentially what I've already shared, it was just more of a "getting to know you" time, which was great. She asked if I had any questions. I had one or two (Did you like her in person, do you want to keep moving forward, did you kiss? Yes/yes/no)

Here's the thing, I don't really know what to ask. Or IF I should ask, or what is or isn't violating a boundary or claiming couples-priviledge. Star isn't secretive by any means, but she's generally private. Unless she is feeling particularly chatty, she's not one to ramble on (like me, by the length of these posts) and her entire family has the trait of "ask me a question, I'll give you an answer, what more do you want?"

So for those that have gone through this before:
Did you have questions that help(ed) you through a new metamour?
Are there any things that you've learned that makes this process of transition to poly and newbie-insecurity easier?
Is it just something I'll adjust to?

Other thoughts? I know I'm probably just overthinking this, I just want to do as many right things the right way as I can.

Thanks for all of your input, and thanks ahead of time this time!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi DP,

The questions you ask should be centered around how (or if) her feelings for *you* are changing ... e.g.:
  • How does Ashley make you feel so far?
  • What's the same for you?
  • What's different?
  • How do you feel about me?
  • What's the same about how you feel about me?
  • What's different?
Her answers may surprise you. Also, these are questions that you could ask repeatedly as the weeks go by, these questions or similar questions. As how she feels may morph over time.

There is a book you should get, it is called, "Eight Things I Wish I'd Known about Polyamory (before I tried it and frakked it up)," by Cunning Minx. It will help you do the right things, and perhaps more importantly, avoid the wrong things. In the meantime, do continue to post here about your situation as it evolves. The advice and feedback you get will evolve as well.

Be aware that we're all influenced by "the monogamous machine," the lifelong influence of our society. The conditioning, the indoctrination, the brainwashing, that says, "Monogamy is right/good, nonmonogamy is wrong/bad," and that instills you with panic if/when you ever stray from the monogamous strait and narrow. The monogamous machine does not listen to reason, and it certainly doesn't give credence to progressive thinking. The monogamous machine is made up of the way we were raised, the movies we watch, the peer pressure of how our friends and relatives would react if they knew, and much, much more. It is very hard to turn the machine off. Basically, you can't do it. The best you can do is be aware of it, and manage it, until, as the years pass, it calms down somewhat. But everyone is subject to it.

Just some thoughts, I'll continue following your thread.
With kind regards,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Active member
Star and Ashley had their first date today. Nothing significant to report. They just met each other for the first time, seemed to vibe together OK. Star hopes it continues further. She likes Ashley, but isn't sure she is looking for. This was a "getting to know a stranger better" casual outing.

We had talked some more about everything the night before last, as I've been trying to give her space with it all for the past week. I aired some fears/concerns/insecurities, and felt much better. I'm still excited for her, and I still think it's a good idea, but it's also hard to transition away from a "mono" mindset. Am I signing my own marriage death warrant? I know that's not the case, but also knowing that if I communicated this decision to almost anyone, it would be met with, "WTF ARE YOU DOING, NO, YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE!" It just isn't a comfortable feeling.

Star was excited to go out. She had some insecurity jitters last night about not knowing what to do, whether she is even someone that others would be looking for at 34 with two kids, etc. (Lol, she definitely is). I was excited for her too. She left and I spent a day with the kids, which was great.

But that feeling of "wtf is happening, wtf are WE doing?" is hard to shake. I took half an Ativan just to not be a nervous wreck.

Star asked if I had any questions. I had one or two. Did you like her in person, do you want to keep moving forward, did you kiss? Yes/yes/no.

I don't really know what to ask. Or IF I should ask, or what is or isn't violating a boundary, or claiming couples-privilege. Star isn't secretive by any means, but she's generally private. Unless she is feeling particularly chatty, she's not one to ramble on. Her entire family has the trait of "Ask me a question, I'll give you an answer, what more do you want?"

So for those that have gone through this before:
Did you have questions that help(ed) you when dealing with a new metamour?
Are there any things that you've learned that make this process of transition to poly and newbie-insecurity easier?
Is it just something I'll adjust to?
Other thoughts? I know I'm probably just overthinking this, I just want to do as many right things the right way as I can.
I definitely had that exact same question for myself when my ex husband and I first Opened up and I left the house with the kids to go see a movie, so he and his gf could have sex. WTF am I doing??? Things didn't go well with that whole first try. We'd just outgrown each other, and polyamory wasn't a fix.

After we separated/divorced I got more of a handle on how polyamory works. I had found it too hard to completely change a 20 year mono marriage into a poly one. We had more issues than either of us was aware of, and poly just shined a light on them. But in my new life, the changes were made more easily. I was much more prepared. I was a more independent woman. I didn't feel any ownership of my new partners. There were glitches, sure, but it usually wasn't as dramatic and depressing as it was when my ex h and I were awkwardly trying to restructure everything.

You can ask Star anything. She can answer if she wants to, while protecting the privacy of her partner. You can definitely ask her for reassurance that she still cares for you, and for quality time/dates where you two can be romantic and keep your attachment alive.
 

icesong

Member
So for those that have gone through this before:
Did you have questions that help(ed) you through a new metamour?
Are there any things that you've learned that makes this process of transition to poly and newbie-insecurity easier?
Is it just something I'll adjust to?
For me - and this is probably both reassuring and the opposite - the transition really was just a question of time and, well, *practice*. Like literally training my brain not to run away with ideas - the brain weasels are gonna tell you "she likes the other person better and is going to leave me" and you have to be ready to tell the weasels to "F off, you have no evidence of that."

Sometimes it can help to hear your partner tell you what they like about the new metamour AND reassure you about what they like about you in the same conversation - it becomes a lot more obvious that your partner really can hold both sets of feelings if you hear them together.
 

datapirate

New member
Hi DP,

The questions you ask should be centered around how (or if) her feelings for *you* are changing ... e.g.:
  • How does Ashley make you feel so far?
  • What's the same for you?
  • What's different?
  • How do you feel about me?
  • What's the same about how you feel about me?
  • What's different?
Her answers may surprise you. Also, these are questions that you could ask repeatedly as the weeks go by, these questions or similar questions. As how she feels may morph over time.

Thanks for these questions, I'm definitely going to reference them as time goes on.
There is a book you should get, it is called, "Eight Things I Wish I'd Known about Polyamory (before I tried it and frakked it up)," by Cunning Minx. It will help you do the right things, and perhaps more importantly, avoid the wrong things. In the meantime, do continue to post here about your situation as it evolves. The advice and feedback you get will evolve as well.

Be aware that we're all influenced by "the monogamous machine," the lifelong influence of our society. The conditioning, the indoctrination, the brainwashing, that says, "Monogamy is right/good, nonmonogamy is wrong/bad," and that instills you with panic if/when you ever stray from the monogamous strait and narrow. The monogamous machine does not listen to reason, and it certainly doesn't give credence to progressive thinking. The monogamous machine is made up of the way we were raised, the movies we watch, the peer pressure of how our friends and relatives would react if they knew, and much, much more. It is very hard to turn the machine off. Basically, you can't do it. The best you can do is be aware of it, and manage it, until, as the years pass, it calms down somewhat. But everyone is subject to it.

Just some thoughts, I'll continue following your thread.
With kind regards,
Kevin T.
Thanks for the reply, The "Mono-Machine" is remarkably powerful.
I'll check out the book too, thanks!
 
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datapirate

New member
For me - and this is probably both reassuring and the opposite - the transition really was just a question of time and, well, *practice*. Like literally training my brain not to run away with ideas - the brain weasels are gonna tell you "she likes the other person better and is going to leave me" and you have to be ready to tell the weasels to "F off, you have no evidence of that."
That's pretty much what I'm figuring out.
Sometimes it can help to hear your partner tell you what they like about the new metamour AND reassure you about what they like about you in the same conversation - it becomes a lot more obvious that your partner really can hold both sets of feelings if you hear them together.
That's an interesting idea. Thank you, I really like that.

I'm really not "insecure" about her "liking someone more" or "falling in love and running away" or anything of that nature. It's mostly just scary. Kind of like when you want to watch something suspenseful and even though nothing has happened your nerves are on edge. You know you're going to have a different emotional reaction in a moment, but you're not there yet.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
In a movie, when something suspenseful happens, it's always followed by something traumatic. Were it not so, the movie's suspensefulness would lose its punch. You will be surprised to find that your poly-related suspense in real life is followed by ... well, nothing happens. Nothing traumatic anyway. At that point, you may find that you get less worried. This is the nature of time and practice improving how you feel about poly.
 
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