datapirate
New member
Where to start. I'm not really sure what my goal is in posting, aside from maybe insight and to find out if anyone can relate. I've done a lot of research, and I can't really seem to find any similar stories or situations.
I (34m) and my wife S (34f) have been together for almost 14 years, married 9. We have 2 young kids, and we're in a happy stable relationship. Not to say we haven't had our ups and downs over the years, but she's absolutely my best friend and my rock and we both would say we're solid and in a good place.
We talked early on about how most relationships we've seen go through some point of infidelity, or needs not being met, or how a new unexpected attraction may come along one day and we should always communicate, rather than hide or suppress.
Some history on S:
My wife was in an (undeclared) poly Vee in college with two boyfriends (We'll call them #1 and #2). It lasted for awhile, but ended terribly. The first time I met her (through mutual friends) she was still in the relationship. The second time I met her it had just ended. Essentially, everyone appeared to be happy, co-sharing time, group dates, the metamours were besties, etc. Then one day #1 walked in on S & #2 and cried foul, denying any knowledge of the situation and accusing S of cheating. The Vee broke up. Enough on that.
After we started dating, she always talked about her BFF from childhood, J. Any time J was brought up, it was always fiercely loving and loyal despite having had a fallout during their teenage years. "People thought we were dating all the time, even the teachers" J got a boyfriend. S was emotionally devastated, and had to separate herself (breakup) from J for mental health, not being able to act as a third wheel. Over time, they were still "friends", but it was distant and definitely more effort was made on S's part to keep in contact. I had my suspicions that S was Bi, but didn't realize it. Fast forward a few years, and S came to terms with it after an encounter one night. She is, indeed, bisexual. She regrets not recognizing it sooner. She was in love with her friend, and maybe things could have turned out different. Being an adult, married, and monogamous obviously means that the window for her experience is closed. Right?
The Situation:
I travel a lot for work. Sometimes just a few days, sometimes for weeks. After a few years into our first child, my absence made it difficult for my wife to continue working and only seeing our kid in the evenings. She quit her job to freelance from home. While it definitely made her feel closer to our kid, she also has to deal with the pressures of running the house, chasing after a kid, and lost having other adult peers to talk to. Friends have been flakey and fairweather. Her parents (whom we lived near) are generally narcissistic and/or selfish. It's been really hard on her.
Present Day:
For awhile now, I've suggested she get a girlfriend. Not "us", her. My thinking has been that she regrets not exploring that side of herself, and she could also find companionship and comfort. This idea has been brought up periodically since her "awakening", but she never felt it was practical or necessary. I'm pretty sure she was afraid to be "outed" in her hometown and have to deal with the fallout. We've since moved to a pretty liberal area but she is also in a new place with less friends to talk to. More isolation. She doesn't have many fucks left to give. She's decided to give it a go.
I'm monogamous. I have no desire to romance, sleep with, or deal with another partner. The very idea of it is stressful to me. Even if it wasn't, S has no desire to share me with another woman. I understand that. I have no desire to share her with another man. I know this isn't traditional "polyamory", but it's where we're at.
She started talking to someone on the Her app, A, and they've hit it off. Kinda. Both are a bit wary. A is engaged and her ACE lesbian partner suggested she find a girlfriend to fill the gap. A's fiancé wants a DADT situation. A decided to give it a try the same time S did. S is interested and excited, but unsure if this is something that's right or doable for either of them. There is full communication between S and A about this.
I've done a tremendous amount of reading over the years, (and way more now that it's "real"): "More Than Two", Reddit, forums, etc. Now that we're here, I feel a mix of insecurity and compersion. I'm super excited for her, and I hope it (or maybe someone else, who knows) works out. Their first "date" is next Saturday. I'm really looking forward to my wife having someone to bring additional companionship and love, she deserves it. But wow, the emotions that come with changing a mindset from mono to poly are heavy.
We're both generally pretty private about our sex life to others. We've always had a "our business" policy. Now that she's talking to A, she's private about that as well. I don't and didn't expect to be privy to their conversations or A's business. It's not my relationship, and A deserves privacy and respect. But I feel like I'm intruding. She walks or turns away to text, and generally doesn't speak about ANYTHING going on. It's unnerving, and makes me feel like the whole thing is a secret. I go out of my way to provide privacy, I took a vacation day for her date so she wouldn't have to cancel if I had work things, etc. We've talked about it, and she reassured me that while she would obviously respect A's privacy, she would be OK answering any questions I may have. I appreciate that, but I'm not trying to be nosy, and I don't really have any questions. I guess I imagined it more as a "Hi BFF, let me tell you about my thoughts and feelings as I go through this" and not "I'll provide answers if you need them." Like I said, it's just unnerving.
So here I am, openly encouraging my wife to have a relationship with someone else because I don't feel like I can provide enough (insecurity). I don't want to invade her space, this is a transition for her too. She hasn't "played the dating game" for 14 years, and I know she wants to do this with space at her own pace. We haven't told anyone (including close friends) because it's still way too early to even think about it. So I'm just trying not to get lost in my own mind through this process. I trust her, I'm happy for her, I'm not "worried" about "us", I'm not jealous, I'm just going through all of these emotions by myself. It's a lot.
Anything you'd like to share would be appreciated. Thank you for reading my novel.
I (34m) and my wife S (34f) have been together for almost 14 years, married 9. We have 2 young kids, and we're in a happy stable relationship. Not to say we haven't had our ups and downs over the years, but she's absolutely my best friend and my rock and we both would say we're solid and in a good place.
We talked early on about how most relationships we've seen go through some point of infidelity, or needs not being met, or how a new unexpected attraction may come along one day and we should always communicate, rather than hide or suppress.
Some history on S:
My wife was in an (undeclared) poly Vee in college with two boyfriends (We'll call them #1 and #2). It lasted for awhile, but ended terribly. The first time I met her (through mutual friends) she was still in the relationship. The second time I met her it had just ended. Essentially, everyone appeared to be happy, co-sharing time, group dates, the metamours were besties, etc. Then one day #1 walked in on S & #2 and cried foul, denying any knowledge of the situation and accusing S of cheating. The Vee broke up. Enough on that.
After we started dating, she always talked about her BFF from childhood, J. Any time J was brought up, it was always fiercely loving and loyal despite having had a fallout during their teenage years. "People thought we were dating all the time, even the teachers" J got a boyfriend. S was emotionally devastated, and had to separate herself (breakup) from J for mental health, not being able to act as a third wheel. Over time, they were still "friends", but it was distant and definitely more effort was made on S's part to keep in contact. I had my suspicions that S was Bi, but didn't realize it. Fast forward a few years, and S came to terms with it after an encounter one night. She is, indeed, bisexual. She regrets not recognizing it sooner. She was in love with her friend, and maybe things could have turned out different. Being an adult, married, and monogamous obviously means that the window for her experience is closed. Right?
The Situation:
I travel a lot for work. Sometimes just a few days, sometimes for weeks. After a few years into our first child, my absence made it difficult for my wife to continue working and only seeing our kid in the evenings. She quit her job to freelance from home. While it definitely made her feel closer to our kid, she also has to deal with the pressures of running the house, chasing after a kid, and lost having other adult peers to talk to. Friends have been flakey and fairweather. Her parents (whom we lived near) are generally narcissistic and/or selfish. It's been really hard on her.
Present Day:
For awhile now, I've suggested she get a girlfriend. Not "us", her. My thinking has been that she regrets not exploring that side of herself, and she could also find companionship and comfort. This idea has been brought up periodically since her "awakening", but she never felt it was practical or necessary. I'm pretty sure she was afraid to be "outed" in her hometown and have to deal with the fallout. We've since moved to a pretty liberal area but she is also in a new place with less friends to talk to. More isolation. She doesn't have many fucks left to give. She's decided to give it a go.
I'm monogamous. I have no desire to romance, sleep with, or deal with another partner. The very idea of it is stressful to me. Even if it wasn't, S has no desire to share me with another woman. I understand that. I have no desire to share her with another man. I know this isn't traditional "polyamory", but it's where we're at.
She started talking to someone on the Her app, A, and they've hit it off. Kinda. Both are a bit wary. A is engaged and her ACE lesbian partner suggested she find a girlfriend to fill the gap. A's fiancé wants a DADT situation. A decided to give it a try the same time S did. S is interested and excited, but unsure if this is something that's right or doable for either of them. There is full communication between S and A about this.
I've done a tremendous amount of reading over the years, (and way more now that it's "real"): "More Than Two", Reddit, forums, etc. Now that we're here, I feel a mix of insecurity and compersion. I'm super excited for her, and I hope it (or maybe someone else, who knows) works out. Their first "date" is next Saturday. I'm really looking forward to my wife having someone to bring additional companionship and love, she deserves it. But wow, the emotions that come with changing a mindset from mono to poly are heavy.
We're both generally pretty private about our sex life to others. We've always had a "our business" policy. Now that she's talking to A, she's private about that as well. I don't and didn't expect to be privy to their conversations or A's business. It's not my relationship, and A deserves privacy and respect. But I feel like I'm intruding. She walks or turns away to text, and generally doesn't speak about ANYTHING going on. It's unnerving, and makes me feel like the whole thing is a secret. I go out of my way to provide privacy, I took a vacation day for her date so she wouldn't have to cancel if I had work things, etc. We've talked about it, and she reassured me that while she would obviously respect A's privacy, she would be OK answering any questions I may have. I appreciate that, but I'm not trying to be nosy, and I don't really have any questions. I guess I imagined it more as a "Hi BFF, let me tell you about my thoughts and feelings as I go through this" and not "I'll provide answers if you need them." Like I said, it's just unnerving.
So here I am, openly encouraging my wife to have a relationship with someone else because I don't feel like I can provide enough (insecurity). I don't want to invade her space, this is a transition for her too. She hasn't "played the dating game" for 14 years, and I know she wants to do this with space at her own pace. We haven't told anyone (including close friends) because it's still way too early to even think about it. So I'm just trying not to get lost in my own mind through this process. I trust her, I'm happy for her, I'm not "worried" about "us", I'm not jealous, I'm just going through all of these emotions by myself. It's a lot.
Anything you'd like to share would be appreciated. Thank you for reading my novel.