First Poly Relationship - Handling Jealousy

[Stonkle]

Hi there! I'm completely new to this website, but I figured this would be as good as any of a place to ask for advice.

My girlfriend and I (we're both nb/women) have been dating for 3 years and have been good friends for 6. I'm pretty sure she's the love of my life and we have been planning on getting engaged within the next year or so. She's always told me that I was her "dream girl" and that she could be happy the rest of her life just being with me and no one else.

Pretty much since the beginning of the relationship, we established that we were both poly and would like seeking other partners at some point. Until now, we hadn't set any hard and fast rules and just figured we'd wait til anything happened, given how neither of us have ever been in a poly set up before. About a month ago, she started dating a mutual friend of ours, who I encouraged her to pursue. I guess the main thing that I forgot about my girlfriend is that she falls fast, hard, and commits very easily. They've dating for just a month now and she's already talking about having him move in with us, as well as whether or not she should legally marry HIM instead of me.

I feel a bit silly, considering how she had been telling me for years that if she dated again, she'd want another primary to spend her life with. I guess I never expected it to actually happen like this. But it still feels like punch to the gut, with her already deciding that this new guy is now also the love of her life, despite the 3 years it took for us to get where we are.

Granted, I really like him. I was never as close as friends with him beforehand, but we always got along really well and I can tell he super wants to be better friends with me now. And aside from that, my girlfriend has been very considerate in assuring that she still loves me and wants to build a life with me. I know her feelings for me havent changed and that she is still committed to me.

Still, some nights, I just feel godawful and full of jealousy. It's been a month and they're already completely in love and looking years in the future. Already talking about bringing him into our home and marrying him. It's too much too fast and it really hurts. My girlfriend knows how bad I feel and has been doing her best. But it's been super hard on her too, with a bunch of friends and family giving her shit for dating him. I can tell she gets frustrated with me, grouping me with everyone else that's been making her feel awful. But at the same time, she doesnt want me to hide my feelings and grow resentful! I have no idea how to balance airing out my grievances without also making my girlfriend feel ashamed of herself.

I just dont know what to do. My girlfriend tells me that I should really work on not comparing myself to him and work on become becoming more secure myself. She's already done all she can to assure me that I'm still an equal and valued partner, but I'm so sensitive and needy and its so hard to feel like I'm still wanted despite everything that's happening. Should I focus on helping myself and work through my own insecurities? Are there ways I can ask my girlfriend to better accommodate me? I just dont know what to do. I hate feeling like this, but I dont wanna keep pushing her away by constantly beating a dead horse.

Sorry for the super long rant, but any advice is appreciated!

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi and welcome to the board. I hope it helped a little just to get that all out!

It sounds like you and your gf have had a good relationship. You've built a life together over 3 years, you're even contemplating marriage. You were theoretically Open but no one interesting came along to make that a reality, until now.

(You might want to choose nicknames for gf and her new interest, to make it easier to discuss this situation. I'll call her Robin and him Sparrow for now.)

Robin and Sparrow are deep in NRE, new relationship energy. That's what you mean by falling hard and fast. They are infatuated. Real love takes months and years to grow. You need to go through hardships together to really test a relationship and see the true character of your partner.

I've been practicing poly for 2 decades, on and off for 10 years, then solidly poly for the next 10. I've experienced NRE personally, and seen it in partners. It's very compelling, exciting, sexual, overwhelming. Some people love the feeling, others actually dislike it because it's so disturbing and extreme.

NRE can make us feel completely obsessed with our "love" interest. It's great that Robin is still noticing you at all during her NRE. Sometimes people will completely ignore their original partner, physically and emotionally.

But it's not good she's basically telling you to get over yourself and just let her be, and make all her future plans with Sparrow, even planning to cohabit, after just one month! You're "needy and sensitive," she's "done all she can" to help you, and now you're just yucking her yum with Sparrow. Let her float on her pretty pink cloud and you just suck it up, buttercup.

No. This is not YOUR problem. This is a shared problem. She has no idea if Sparrow is a long term runner. They've only just begun dating!

And if she wants 2 primaries, fine. That doesn't mean you need to agree to having her other primary into your home. You get a say. Maybe you want to do parallel poly and not see your metamour. Maybe you want to be friends and hang out sometimes. Maybe you want their sex to be at his place, and not in your bedroom, or even your guest space.

Maybe you're OK with visits and occasional overnights, and even going out on dates all three together, but not fully sharing your home with your metamour. That is fine! Many many poly people do not live with their partners. Generally it's recommended that no one move in with a partner for a good year of dating anyway. NRE generally lasts 6 months to 2 years, so you don't know the real person until that wears off and your rose colored glasses come off.

My partner Pixi and I live together, but we didn't get a shared house until we'd been dating 3 years. She also has a bf who has his own place. She considers us both primaries, and she loves his house, but he's more of a private person. She spends one or 2 nights a week at his place. Most of her time in our shared home. None of us all want to live together as a threesome. And I date too... sometimes I have a serious bf. I wouldn't want to impose my dating life on my metamour!

I hope these thoughts help. Read around the board. The blog section is good, there are people writing there who are in Vs or larger poly configurations. Some cohabit, most don't. Many live singly, or in couples, and confine the other partners to occasional visits, either a set day or two a week, or sometimes if the other relationships are longer distance, much less often.

Also, there are books to read. Opening Up is a good one.

More Than Two is a good website with a lot of information backing up what I've written out. Your situation is extremely common! You're not alone.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I'm so sensitive and needy and its so hard to feel like I'm still wanted despite everything that's happening.

Needy people are just people who aren't respecting their own needs. The feeling of being "needy" is the nagging fear that someone cannot give you what you need - hence, the needy thoughts on obsessive repeat. Someone else indeed cannot give you what you need if you are not standing by what you need without apology. The feeling of being needy always signals a boundary that you're not respecting in yourself. Focusing on insecurities doesn't help so much as identifying what is important for you and getting square with yourself about your needs and boundaries. When we are comfortable with our own needs and boundaries, we don't NEED other people to shore them up, we just live comfortably with them. What are some of your needs right now? All good relationships require the partners to stand by their own needs, but poly really shines a spotlight on it.

They've dating for just a month now and she's already talking about having him move in with us, as well as whether or not she should legally marry HIM instead of me.

For me, this would be absurdly fast and totally intolerable. One month of dating and there's talk of moving in and marriage?? For me, this would set off six alarm fire bells. In my world, you would be having a sane reaction to two crazy proposals.

 

[ElMango]

I'm sorry you're in pain.

I guess the main thing that I forgot about my girlfriend is that she falls fast, hard, and commits very easily. They've dating for just a month now and she's already talking about having him move in with us, as well as whether or not she should legally marry HIM instead of me.

She doesn't live alone she lives with you.
You had been talking about marriage before she talked about it with him.

My husband Z was ready for my husband (at the time just BF) B to move in before I was! I had to tell him to slow down partner; I live here and I am not ready.

She should be discussing these things with you as they do involve you. She doesn't have to legally marry ANYONE.
Having him move in THIS soon into NRE is probably a bad idea.

NRE is a helluva drug, but it's not an excuse for being inconsiderate. And if this is how she deals with NRE, I view it as at least a yellow flag. To me, it looks like she doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with NRE in a healthy and considerate way.

I feel a bit silly, considering how she had been telling me for years that if she dated again, she'd want another primary to spend her life with. I guess I never expected it to actually happen like this. But it still feels like punch to the gut, with her already deciding that this new guy is now also the love of her life, despite the 3 years it took for us to get where we are.

Would it feel like such a punch in the gut if she had said:
"How would you feel about eventually him moving in with us at some point? Are you ready for that now, or not so much?"

"You are the love of my life; but I feel he is ALSO the love of my life. Now I am conflicted about how marriage would work."

Presentation matters. Relationships are a collaboration.

my girlfriend has been very considerate in assuring that she still loves me and wants to build a life with me. I know her feelings for me havent changed and that she is still committed to me.

Actions do speak louder than words. How considerate is it to say "my feelings haven't changed but now I may not marry you like I said but marry him instead."
Or having it not be a collaboration for another to move in?

Still, some nights, I just feel godawful and full of jealousy. It's been a month and they're already completely in love and looking years in the future. Already talking about bringing him into our home and marrying him. It's too much too fast and it really hurts. My girlfriend knows how bad I feel and has been doing her best. But it's been super hard on her too, with a bunch of friends and family giving her shit for dating him.

I can tell she gets frustrated with me, grouping me with everyone else that's been making her feel awful. But at the same time, she doesnt want me to hide my feelings and grow resentful! I have no idea how to balance airing out my grievances without also making my girlfriend feel ashamed of herself.

Her feelings, like every persons feelings, are valid. Her reactions are all within her control.
As a dyad, you two need to be focusing on your relationship and your communication.

My girlfriend tells me that I should really work on not comparing myself to him and work on become becoming more secure myself.

Are you comparing yourself to him? In what ways? If so, why are you comparing yourself to him?

She's already done all she can to assure me that I'm still an equal and valued partner

Has she though? How has she responded to your need for clarity, for slowing things down?

but I'm so sensitive and needy and its so hard to feel like I'm still wanted despite everything that's happening.

Why do you feel selfish and needy? It's okay to have needs, and okay to state they aren't being met. It is your dyads job to figure out if your needs can be met.

Should I focus on helping myself and work through my own insecurities?

Yes. To me, this is always a question that ends in 'yes'. Growth is always something we should be striving for.

Are there ways I can ask my girlfriend to better accommodate me?

Logically, yes. The question is is she able and/or willing to do those things?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Stonkle,
First of all, Are You in Poly Hell?

It bothers me that your girlfriend is thinking about marrying her boyfriend instead of you. Not sure how to handle that if she wants you and him to be equal partners (co-primaries). Maybe legally marry neither of you? instead have a commitment ceremony with both of you at the same time?

On the other hand, if she's only been seeing him for a month, she does seem to be moving awfully fast. It's already time for him to move in with you? Yikes! At the very least, I would suggest, that he only spend some overnights at your place first, to see if he is tolerable as a roommate. If the overnights work out well, then, have him stay over for two nights in a row a few times. If that goes well, then have him stay over for a week at a time. See if the week goes well. After that, then maybe it is okay for him to move in permanently. This of course assumes that you feel okay while he is staying over.

Your girlfriend does seem to be getting carried away with NRE. You can support her in the fact that she is dating this guy, without being okay with her sudden move of wanting to move him in with you, as well as thinking she might marry him instead of you! Definitely too much too fast.

Of course you can also work on handling jealousy at the same time. Here are some links that may help:

• What If I Get Jealous?
• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

This just gives you some ideas. Remember, jealousy isn't always unjustified. Sometimes it's your heart's way of alerting you to the fact that something is wrong! that you're not being treated considerately. That can happen when your partner is all caught up in NRE with someone else.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Your GF is NRE high and talking a lot of lalalala. Are you able to see that?

You have to detach from your GF's feelings. Not your responsibility. Her emotional management is hers to deal with. Your emotional management is yours. If she does something and later feels ashamed... isn't that a GOOD thing? That's how people are sometimes motivated to CHANGE poor behavior.

Look... It's the first time dealing with poly/one of you dating someone else. So you don't actually know each other very well in this area.
Be ok learning what its like and how to cope and if you are even compatible when the other one is all NRE goofy.

Until now, we hadn't set any hard and fast rules and just figured we'd wait til anything happened, given how neither of us have ever been in a poly set up before.

So you have discovered you need to have SOME personal boundaries.

Like not to be doing PDA mushygushy in front of you with her new sweetie or doing lots of daydream NRE lalala talk with him around you.
Because listening/watching that bugs you.

Esp when you have to adjust to sharing her time and attention with a new sweetie and she's babbling things like moving him in and marrying him instead of you. They might be playing fantasies out for kicks, but to you, it's like "Is that real or not real? Do I worry or not? What's going ON?!" And you cannot be living like that. Like high alert all the time.

It's a drag.

So tell her to keep their fantasy life behind closed doors, and when something ACTUALLY is happening, tell you first.

About a month ago, she started dating a mutual friend of ours, who I encouraged her to pursue. I guess the main thing that I forgot about my girlfriend is that she falls fast, hard, and commits very easily. They've dating for just a month now and she's already talking about having him move in with us, as well as whether or not she should legally marry HIM instead of me.*

Ok, you forgot she gets like this. How long before it wears off? Do you remember that?

In the meanwhile? You could tell her "Stop. If this is just daydreaming stuff and nothing serious, enjoy the daydream on your own, but not with me. Hearing that stuff makes me anxious for nothing then. If this is you actually telling me you want to change the plan? Then tell me straight up that you want to change the plan. Like be firm of purpose, and not like wavering around all over. "

I feel a bit silly, considering how she had been telling me for years that if she dated again, she'd want another primary to spend her life with. I guess I never expected it to actually happen like this.

That's the part that bothers you. The "like this."

You forgot she "falls hard" like this. Which might have felt fun when YOU were the person she was falling for and obsessing with. But maybe hard to watch from the side when she's all raving enthusiasms about a new person and obsessing about them. If she's an obsessor? To me you sound like you need some space apart from that.

But it still feels like punch to the gut, with her already deciding that this new guy is now also the love of her life, despite the 3 years it took for us to get where we are.

She's NRE drunk. Don't put too much value on infatuation. Actual love takes longer to build.

And aside from that, my girlfriend has been very considerate in assuring that she still loves me and wants to build a life with me. I know her feelings for me havent changed and that she is still committed to me.

So remember that. She's not always NRE drunk.

Still, some nights, I just feel godawful and full of jealousy. It's been a month and they're already completely in love and looking years in the future. Already talking about bringing him into our home and marrying him.

Babbling about living together and getting married? Well, so what? Babble on. If that's how she is in NRE? And you forgot she gets that way? Here it is back again. She babbles.

(She's not ACTUALLY moving him in is she? Or ACTUALLY marrying him 4 weeks into dating, right? That's another story.)

Tell them it's fine to dream, but you prefer both of them to dream in private and not around you.

Listening to new couple lalala gets wearying on other people.

Could also request a check in before anyone's living arrangements ACTUALLY change. Nobody just moves in random people without checking with existing roomies first. That is fair.

My girlfriend knows how bad I feel and has been doing her best.

Is she self aware enough to see how this NRE babble can affects her OTHER partner who has to be listening to this stuff on the "non-stop NRE radio" all the time? It can be annoying.

But it's been super hard on her too, with a bunch of friends and family giving her shit for dating him. I can tell she gets frustrated with me, grouping me with everyone else that's been making her feel awful.

Tell her not to lump you with those other people. You are fine with her dating him and loving him. You are not giving her shit about seeing him. So don't take out HER anger with THEM out on YOU.

You just don't want to be listening to NRE radio 24/7. That's another issue. If this were actual radio you could tell her to take it to another room or put on headphones. Well... you can ask for that here too. Take it to another room, dial the volume down some on the mushygushy around you. You leave the room. Put some space in there.

But at the same time, she doesnt want me to hide my feelings and grow resentful!

So tell her "I am ok with you dating him and loving him. I am not ok being around NRE radio 24/7. My ears need a break from loveydovey mushy gushy. I'm supportive of you dating him, but *I* am not the one in NRE lalalas mode.

If you want to change our living arrangements? You want to change our engagement plan? I expect you to actually check in first. Not just drop stuff on me from the sky. I'm willing to give you space for you to enjoy your NRE time with him. But don't be all up in my face with it. I need some space too -- to adjust to having to share your time and attention."

I have no idea how to balance airing out my grievances without also making my girlfriend feel ashamed of herself.*

Air most of them out to other people who are NOT your GF.

Give her only the Cliff Notes.

I just dont know what to do. I hate feeling like this, but I dont wanna keep pushing her away by constantly beating a dead horse.

So stop beating horse. Talk less.

When it comes up again say "We talked about this already. I don't want to be around 24/7 NRE radio. My ears need a break from that. Talk to X about that instead."

Then get up and leave the room.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

Should I focus on helping myself and work through my own insecurities?

Yes.

Dealing with change is tough for everyone, and this sounds like a pretty big and alarming change. It is perfectly normal to feel a little naked and vulnerable, which is not comfortable if it's something you're not used to.

To be in healthy associations, it is one of my primary goals to take responsibility for my own feelings. It is a lot of honest self reflection, reading how other people have dealt with their feelings, and just flat out refusing to take out my insecurities on other people.

Are there ways I can ask my girlfriend to better accommodate me?

Oh god, please don't.

As you have already described, your girlfriend is feeling trapped about other peoples opinions, and the resentment is already building. If you want things to be good, don't join the bandwagon of people wanting her to adjust her behavior to their preference. Your girlfriend is living her life and it sounds like she's doing a bang-up job at the moment.

Be on her team, cheer her on, be honest when you see her veering toward a cliff. Avoid thinking about what she needs to do to placate your insecurities, and start thinking about how you can be your best self.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes.

Dealing with change is tough for everyone, and this sounds like a pretty big and alarming change. It is perfectly normal to feel a little naked and vulnerable, which is not comfortable if it's something you're not used to.

To be in healthy associations, it is one of my primary goals to take responsibility for my own feelings. It is a lot of honest self reflection, reading how other people have dealt with their feelings, and just flat out refusing to take out my insecurities on other people.

Oh god, please don't.

As you have already described, your girlfriend is feeling trapped about other peoples opinions, and the resentment is already building. If you want things to be good, don't join the bandwagon of people wanting her to adjust her behavior to their preference. Your girlfriend is living her life and it sounds like she's doing a bang-up job at the moment.

Be on her team, cheer her on, be honest when you see her veering toward a cliff. Avoid thinking about what she needs to do to placate your insecurities, and start thinking about how you can be your best self.

Always the lone wolf, howling at the moon by himself and never in a pack. Sad.

 

[Marcus]

Always the lone wolf, howling at the moon by himself and never in a pack. Sad.

Ah Mag, just can't help yourself.

I don't see why you feel the need to come after me with personal attacks.

You and I don't agree with each other, we never have. We are doing two very different things when it comes to dealing with other people. Our goals couldn't be more different. That's fine. We're adults who are allowed to have different opinions.

No need to drag it into this childish stuff.

 

[Magdlyn]

Ah Mag, just can't help yourself.

I don't see why you feel the need to come after me with personal attacks.

You and I don't agree with each other, we never have. We are doing two very different things when it comes to dealing with other people. Our goals couldn't be more different. That's fine. We're adults who are allowed to have different opinions.

No need to drag it into this childish stuff.

I just found your advice to be so bleak and isolating, not to say impractical and confusing, for a newbie. My intention and complaint was not "childish" at all. Indeed quite the opposite.

I hope that clarifies my complaint. It wasn't meant to be a "personal attack." Sorry if it stung.