First time exploring polyamory, need help with feelings

M

matchapuppy

New member
Hi! I'm (F26) new to being poly. However, I am not new to being a monogamous bisexual. I've always been open-minded if one day I found a primary partner (F32) that I could trust to be fair.

Now is the time. I have a primary partner and we have been preparing to do a threesome. They would screen (health screening and BG checks) to make sure everything would be safe and secure for everyone involved.

It's also still taboo where we stay, so we need to be discreet.

The first session, we didn't fully engage the third party in. It was just an exploration session, since it was everyone's first. However, after that, my partner pointed out how I seemed to be jealous.

We talked about it and agreed that my jealousy was irrational, because everyone wants each other and no one will get left behind. But I still feel uneasy. How do I navigate and define this feeling further?

I really like the third person we brought in, as well, so I want to explore and do other stuff as a throuple. But I feel like I'm holding myself back from enjoying this experience over worries I can't even define. I'm so confused!!!
 
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Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. You know that, right? It's a thing of its own.

I am not clear on what it is you are trying to create here.
  • Are you seeking polyamory?
  • Group sex in a threesome?
  • Both? (Does it have to be with the same people?)
I'm not surprised you feel confused. If you don't know what you are trying to create, how do you know when you have arrived?

Additionally, sharing group sex is a skill, like sharing two-partnered sex is a skill, like masturbating is a skill. First times for each of those are usually kinda clunky as people figure things out.

It may be that you three are NOT compatible for group sex. Then what?
  • You will seek threesomes elsewhere on your own, with neither of these two?
  • Your partner will seek threesomes elsewhere on her own, with neither of you two?
  • The "third" will seek threesomes elsewhere on their own, with neither of you two?
  • You and your partner will seek threesomes elsewhere, with a different person as the "third"?
  • Your partner and the "third" will seek threesomes elsewhere, with someone other than you?
  • You and the "third" will seek threesomes elsewhere, with someone other than your partner?
It's the same for polyamory. If this doesn't pan out for a poly-dating as a triad, will it change to a poly V? Or is the expectation that the "third" will "go away" and you and your partner remain? Or is the expectation to break up, going to everyone single, or paired off in different ways than it started?

I think you could pause while it's still pretty low stakes, after only one group-sex encounter. Take some time to digest that.
  • Get clear on what it is you are seeking.
  • Figure out if your partner is in agreement and compatible for that, or not.
  • Figure out if if the "third" is in agreement and compatible for that, or not.
  • If not in agreement, it's ok to call it a one-time experiment thing. One and done. No more to come of it. It is certainly easier to deal with a casual group-sex encounter that is "one and done," rather than longer-term relationships.
If you are seeking polyamory, you are not "adding a third to your existing relationship." You are creating new dyads.
  • You + your Partner -- that existed before
  • New Person + your Partner -- which is new
  • New Person + You -- which is new
Each one of those layers needs the time and space to be able grow on its own.

Everything cannot be
  • You + Partner + New Person
all the time.

You all also need time alone, to be with friends and family, go to work, do household chores, and all that.

Galagirl
 
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I don't like dating people who tell me that my feelings are "irrational."
 
Please note that a group sex encounter is not polyamory. Group sex is just group sex. It could be with a sex worker, with a stranger you pick up in a bar, with a casual acquaintance you meet at a party, with someone from a dating site, with a long-time friend, whatever.

Can a threeway sexual encounter grow to be something more? Might two of the players have great sexual chemistry? Sure. Might two of the players develop feelings, even fall in love? Sure.

If Apple and Banana are the established couple, and Kiwi is the new person, Apple might have amazing sexual chemistry with Kiwi, while Banana and Kiwi don't really have the spark. Therefore Banana might be envious of the other's connection.

If Apple and Banana hook up with Kiwi, Kiwi might really like Apple, but just feel meh about Banana.

If Apple and Kiwi get along great sexually, and maybe even get along emotionally, or in their sense of humor, in their vanilla interests, they might want to date one-on-one, and Banana might feel left out and envious.

What happens if one member of the couple gets along great with new person, but the other dyad goes nowhere? Does the unwanted partner get to "veto" the developing relationship between the other two? This is not recommended, as it really hurts the hearts of the other two, and will probably breed resentment, distrust and cause distance between the members of the couple.

When attempting polyamory (multiple loving romantic adult relationships, with the knowledge and consent of all) an established couple trying to date the same person is the absolute hardest way to go. Here are some articles that explain why, and what are better options for opening up.

www.readyforpolyamory.com

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...
www.readyforpolyamory.com www.readyforpolyamory.com

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…
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