First true poly experience and setbacks

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XJskyboy

Member
I posted a couple months back that my husband came out to me as poly and expressed an interest in pursuing that. I, of course, was supportive and just said that communication and mutual consent would be critical.

Fast forward-- after a couple dates that didn’t go anywhere, he has met a guy who he's really hit it off with.

I’m ecstatic about that fact, but my husband’s biggest downfall is that he is a horrendous communicator. When emotions come into play, he simply shuts down.

The new guy and I hit it off immediately. (Kitchen table poly was a must for me if he wanted to pursue it.) He’s incredibly kind, we have similar interests and I love how happy he makes my husband. In addition, his sister is in a poly relationship, so he’s somewhat familiar with the concept.

That said, he’s struggling a bit with the structure. My husband has made clear that this is a primary/secondary situation, due to the level of integration he and I have (finances, mortgages, cars, pets, etc.). The other guy has frequent emotional meltdowns over that fact, which my husband is really bad at handling. So I generally wind up talking him down from them. He has also expressed a desire for a throuple situation, rather than a V, which is really not what we’re looking for at the time.

I’m an “early-to-bed” type and I’ve woken up in the middle of the night to him in bed with us almost every night for the last week and a half. While that alone doesn’t bother me, I feel like it’s setting up false expectations. And my husband is zero help in that department. as he just shuts down.

Sorry for the long post and venting, but I was just curious if anyone had a similar experience. I personally find the two of them adorable together. But the situation isn’t really fitting what we discussed and my husband isn’t communicating well with either of us, leaving the two of us to largely discuss things together, which can be kind of awkward.
 
Schedule some three-way catchups, so that you don’t talk about your husband without him?

Talk about the 3-in-bed and ask your husband to sleep in his bf’s bed on scheduled nights?

Talk about where this goes with bf, if there’s a possibility for co-primary ktp over time?
 
Tinwen said:
Schedule some three-way catchups, so that you don’t talk about your husband without him?

Talk about the 3-in-bed and ask your husband to sleep in his bf’s bed on scheduled nights?

Talk about where this goes with bf, if there’s a possibility for co-primary ktp over time?
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Those are some great ideas. Thank you :)
 
It's incredibly hard to have a poly relationship with a partner that can't or won't communicate! You seem to be very involved in the r'ship your husband has with new guy.

Can we use some nicknames? I'll call your husband Adam and his new bf Braden.

Is Adam aware that the first rule of good poly is communicate? And that the second and third rules are also communicate? I couldn't be in a relationship with a person who can't talk about their emotions, or hear about mine.

You're really taking on a big and unusual role in guiding Adam and Braden in setting up the arrangements here. Most poly partners wouldn't want to do this.

Adam won't communicate.
Braden is having meltdowns over being a secondary (so far) even though he's just started dating Adam. Why? What the heck in his dating history to make him think he should go all-in to being a primary with someone he barely knows? Is he going to adopt your pets, share your bank account, get his name on your lease after dating Adam for a few weeks? That seems delusional.
Braden seems to be spending every day at your shared home, and even coming into the marital bed every night. This has not be discussed. This is not healthy.
Braden wants to be in a full-on triad with you and Adam, even though he's been told it's going to be a separate V, although KTP is fine. I can see why he wants you though, since you're coddling his emotional breakdowns and Adam is just hiding away somewhere when emotions come up.

Why the heck can't Braden go home to his own place sometimes? Maybe his living conditions are really bad and he sees you and Adam as rescuers.

Are you fine with Adam seeing Braden every single day/night? Don't you want some one-on-one couple time?

Why are you ecstatic and "of course" supportive of this kind of arrangement? Was your marriage so boring, with an uncommunicative spouse, that you're just grateful to have someone to talk to across the kitchen table for once?

It sounds like Braden is a brand-new dating person (he wasn't mentioned in your last post) and yet he's being allowed the full run of your house, as if he's a roommate already. It is generally recommended not to move a new partner in until regular dating has gone on for a least a year. Once a person becomes a permanent fixture in the house, if the relationship goes awry, it's that much harder to get them out.

I think you men should agree on a schedule where some nights Braden is at your place (and he and Adam don't sleep with you!). Some nights Adam stays home with you to nurture your own relationship. And some nights Adam can go to Braden's place for one-on-one time there.
 
Hi Liam,

It sounds like the problem is that you wake up with both your husband and his new boyfriend in your bed. You don't know how to manage that situation, and your husband is a poor communicator. My initial question is, do you have a guest bedroom? If not, you will have to work things out with your boyfriend, and his new boyfriend. You did say you liked the new boyfriend, and that you liked how he made your boyfriend happy.

Let me know if I have gotten any of this wrong.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Magdlyn said:
Braden wants to be in a full-on triad with you and Adam, even though he's been told it's going to be a separate V, although KTP is fine. I can see why he wants you though, since you're coddling his emotional breakdowns and Adam is just hiding away somewhere when emotions come up
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To piggyback on this…if you want a V then you shouldn’t put yourself in vulnerable positions with Braden. Intimacy created while trying to negotiate a partner who won’t take care of their shit is real. He may develop strong feelings for you, start to be less interested in Adam (after all, people love communicators), and Adam starts resenting you for moving in on “his guy”. This is all messy and heading in a bad direction.
 
Thank you all for this feedback. It’s so incredibly helpful!

Adam and I definitely have some work to do. But he has been incredibly helpful in the moment. You all have been such great friends in the moment. As I learn more about things, I so appreciate your partnership!
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Liam,

It sounds like the problem is that you wake up with both your husband and his new boyfriend in your bed. You don't know how to manage that situation, and your husband is a poor communicator. My initial question is, do you have a guest bedroom? If not, you will have to work things out with your boyfriend, and his new boyfriend. You did say you liked the new boyfriend, and that you liked how he made your boyfriend happy.

Let me know if I have gotten any of this wrong.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Nope. Didn't get anything wrong at all. Overall, I think I'm handling things pretty well, but Adam isn't communicating appropriately and Braden has different expectations. We do have a guest room and they sleep back there sometimes, which is totally fine by me. Unfortunately, I just don't see things working out due to Adam's lack of communication and Braden's notably different expectations of the situation. They had a major argument last night over how things would work going forward. I just went to bed and read and stayed out of it.
 
Bobbi said:
To piggyback on this…if you want a V then you shouldn’t put yourself in vulnerable positions with Braden. Intimacy created while trying to negotiate a partner who won’t take care of their shit is real. He may develop strong feelings for you, start to be less interested in Adam (after all, people love communicators), and Adam starts resenting you for moving in on “his guy”. This is all messy and heading in a bad direction.
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Excellent points. I can see exactly where you're coming from. Thank you.
 
XJskyboy said:
Nope. Didn't get anything wrong at all. Overall, I think I'm handling things pretty well, but Adam isn't communicating appropriately and Braden has different expectations. We do have a guest room and they sleep back there sometimes, which is totally fine by me. Unfortunately, I just don't see things working out due to Adam's lack of communication and Braden's notably different expectations of the situation. They had a major argument last night over how things would work going forward. I just went to bed and read and stayed out of it.
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Good job for staying out of it! If Adam doesn't communicate well, I would guess many of his "discussions" escalate into arguments or fights.
 
Hi Liam,

So it sounds like Braden's expectations differ from Adam's expectations? What does Braden expect, and what does Adam expect? Do your expectations also come into play here? What do you expect?

I think you have the right idea in not getting involved with Adam's and Braden's arguments. They need to figure things out for themselves, it is not your job. In general I think you are being a really good sport about the whole thing.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Liam,

So it sounds like Braden's expectations differ from Adam's expectations? What does Braden expect, and what does Adam expect? Do your expectations also come into play here? What do you expect?

I think you have the right idea in not getting involved with Adam's and Braden's arguments. They need to figure things out for themselves, it is not your job. In general I think you are being a really good sport about the whole thing.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Hey Kevin,

Yeah, I think that's the primary roadblock we're running into here. Primarily due to how intertwined our lives are (having been together 16 years), Adam and myself see a need to have a primary/secondary situation with any poly arrangement, at least at first. Unfortunately, Braden views that as being seen as a lesser/less important partner and he struggles with that big time. I certainly don't want him to be hurt and understand his feelings. But it would be nearly impossible for us to unravel things quickly, given just how intertwined our lives are. Adam's stated goal is basically to have a boyfriend on the side. I just don't know that Braden can handle that emotionally.

That said, I agree that my staying out of things is preferrable and that I just need to let them work it out. It has been a bit tricky, as Braden has had multiple outbursts (not at me, but at Adam) that have resulted in arguments and vindictive behavior between the two of them. And then 24 hours later, Braden will be sending both of us nude pictures. So I think it's just best if I stay out of what is clearly a volatile situation.

Thanks again for all the advice, everyone!

Liam
 
Um, if Braden is sending you nudes, I would tell him if he does that one more time, you will be blocking him.

This whole thing sounds toxic.
 
How old is Braden? It seems like he doesn't have much experience with relationships and communication in general if he's having all these outbursts.
 
ref2018 said:
How old is Braden? It seems like he doesn't have much experience with relationships and communication in general if he's having all these outbursts.
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He and I are actually both 35. Adam is 48. But I get the same impression that he has relatively little experience with relationships in general and even less with anything poly.
 
XJskyboy said:
He and I are actually both 35. Adam is 48. But I get the same impression that he has relatively little experience with relationships in general and even less with anything poly.
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I wasn't sure because you mentioned your and Adam's ages previously, but I looked and couldn't find Brayden's age. Anyway, that isn't really important. I was just curious. By age 35, it is reasonable to expect someone to have had enough life experience that they know having meltdowns isn't the way to get the results you want. That's what toddlers do when they can't have all the ice cream for dinner.
 
Well, so a quick update here. Braden reached out to both of us today and apologized for "being mean and petty." He asked if he could come over and bring dinner as an apology. I told him he didn't need to apologize to me because we hadn't had any altercations, but that he and Adam should probably have a bit deeper conversation, as there are really some toxic signs there. I told him he would really need to bring up the dinner idea to Adam, but that I have no problem with it. Apparently, they agreed and he's coming over to give it another try. I'm a touch anxious, as he said he plans to head this way right now to avoid traffic (I work from home), which will put him here about 2 hours before Adam gets off work. While I really get along well with him, I hope it isn't awkward after everything that has gone down. I guess only time will tell. Keeping an open mind and hoping things are less dramatic this go-around.
 
Hi Liam,

If I'm reading right, Adam's expectations are that Braden is a secondary partner, whereas Braden's expectations are that Braden is a primary partner. And these are the differences in expectations that lead to Adam and Braden having epic disagreements. You're trying to not get involved, but since you're much better than Adam at talking Braden down from Braden's meltdowns, you often find yourself shouldering that burden. Hopefully things will go well with Braden being there today -- two hours before Adam gets off work.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Liam,

If I'm reading right, Adam's expectations are that Braden is a secondary partner, whereas Braden's expectations are that Braden is a primary partner. And these are the differences in expectations that lead to Adam and Braden having epic disagreements. You're trying to not get involved, but since you're much better than Adam at talking Braden down from Braden's meltdowns, you often find yourself shouldering that burden. Hopefully things will go well with Braden being there today -- two hours before Adam gets off work.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Yep, that pretty much sums it up. I'm very hopeful that they've communicated enough in the last few days that expectations are a bit closer. I guess we'll soon find out....
 
I have to admit, there's not a lot of middle ground between "primary" and "secondary." The only way I can see Adam and Braden working this out is by one/both of them changing the definitions of what they would consider "primary" and "secondary."
 
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