First true poly experience and setbacks

I’d encourage you all to discuss what it means for each of you, the word primary and the word secondary. You might find there are different definitions and assumptions. Someone might think primary is more important and secondary is disposable. Or primary means living together and becoming entwined with finances, etc., and secondary means living apart and not becoming entwined. Or primary comes first ALWAYS and the secondary has to suffer through the primary's whims.

When I use primary and secondary, it’s more about the depth of the love, intimacy and commitment. I also use the multiple primary model. I have a primary I live with and share finances with, and another I don’t live with, or share finances with, but it’s just as primary as the other. Someday, maybe, we will all live together, but for now it works for all of us.

You may find that Braden wants equal consideration and to be just as important, but doesn’t need to be first or entwined. Adam might be okay with that. You can have relationships where everyone is important and treated as such, without being equal. However, if Braden wants equal, that’s not going to happen. These are two different relationships with different people involved. There’s no way to make them equal. Even the feelings felt will be different for each individual.

It’s the difference between prescriptive hierarchy, where one is number one, and descriptive hierarchy, where the depth of the relationship determines what level they are at. Having a closed system, where partners will never reach the top, because one person holds that spot, or having a more flexible system where anyone can reach the top over time, growth and commitment.

I like to think of orbits. My top orbit is my 2 life partners, my best friend and my dad. The second orbit might be long-term partners, some close family and friends, and the the third orbit might be distant family, new partners and friends I don’t see much. The fourth orbit is the public, distant friends or acquaintances, or anyone that doesn’t fit the first three.

Once you all discuss actual needs, assumptions, and thoughts on this, you can come to an agreeable dynamic.
 
Update: Wednesday night went well overall, with a few hiccups. Braden came over about an hour before Adam got home from work. That was a little awkward, but not terribly. As I've mentioned before, he and I have similar interests, so there was no lack of conversation.

Once Adam got home, they were initially a bit passive aggressive with one another, with Braden kind of flaunting a hookup he'd had since the last time they'd seen each other and Adam passive aggressively criticizing his choice in men. However, things settled pretty quickly and we decided to go to the local watering hole for a beverage before dinner since we had to make a grocery run anyway. During the time at the bar, Adam and Braden stepped out on the patio alone for a bit to talk. I respected their privacy and Adam later told me that the conversation was productive and they are more on the same page after it.

From there, we went to the grocery store and then all three of us cooked dinner together. It was a cordial and friendly dinner. After that, he assisted us in putting up our Christmas tree.

Then, Adam informed me that he was going to start the night in the guest room with Braden so they could talk. I didn't object and went back to the bedroom with the dogs. Not long after, I could hear them having sex (I don't object to that, but wish he would have said that was the plan rather saying they "needed to talk." That really may be on me, though). I went to sleep and woke up a few hours later to them both completely naked in Adam and my bed with me. Again, not a deal breaker, but wish they'd been more transparent as to plans. The next morning, Braden and I had coffee together and he headed home. We've had some limited text conversations since. Adam and him have been texting a lot.

Overall, it was a positive experience with a few hiccups. He will be coming over tomorrow to join us for a neighbor's Christmas party. So that will be interesting. Generally, cautiously optimistic :)
 
So you've agreed with Adam that it's okay for him to bring a naked Braden into bed with you, even though you don't want a full-on sexual triad? Doesn't that give mixed messages about sex, being naked together in bed all the time?

Why the heck, when Braden is visiting, can't they just talk, have sex and sleep in the guest room, rather than barging in on you all naked and freshly fucked? I just find this so... odd. I'd be so uncomfortable!
 
So you've agreed with Adam that it's okay for him to bring a naked Braden into bed with you, even though you don't want a full-on sexual triad? Doesn't that give mixed messages about sex, being naked together in bed all the time?

Why the heck, when Braden is visiting, can't they just talk, have sex and sleep in the guest room, rather than barging in on you all naked and freshly fucked? I just find this so... odd. I'd be so uncomfortable!
Certainly can't say I find it ideal. I'd prefer they use the guest room as their room and that the bedroom be Adam and my space. But I'm trying to be agreeable and not cause drama if at all possible.
 
Certainly can't say I find it ideal. I'd prefer they use the guest room as their room and that the bedroom be Adam and my space. But I'm trying to be agreeable and not cause drama if at all possible.
It's not drama to have preferences and boundaries. Just tell Adam (in a conversation when you're alone), that you do NOT want to spend the night sleeping near a naked Braden. Simple and to the point. If Adam misses you in the night, well, that's just one of the downsides of being a hinge. He can make the most of the nights when it's just you two.
 
If they take you saying that each arm of the V should be able to have sleeping space where their meta does not enter naked, as drama, then they need a fucking wake up call about manners.
 
If they take you saying that each arm of the V should be able to have sleeping space where their meta does not enter naked, as drama, then they need a fucking wake up call about manners.
I think in fairness, that's probably more on me. They've never said me saying that was drama because I've never verbally objected. So I guess if I've never expressed my position on the topic, there's no way for them to know my feelings about it. I'll have to do as Magdlyn suggested and have a side convo with Adam about my feelings there. If he does object to that, then you're exactly right. But I can't assume he will.
 
I think in fairness, that's probably more on me. They've never said me saying that was drama because I've never verbally objected. So I guess if I've never expressed my position on the topic, there's no way for them to know my feelings about it. I'll have to do as Magdlyn suggested and have a side convo with Adam about my feelings there. If he does object to that, then you're exactly right. But I can't assume he will.
Ah, okay. Don't expect anyone to read your mind. If you don't object, how are they supposed to know it's not fine with you? Keep this in mind across the board. Be open about what you do and do not want to do.

Maybe you really wanted to go out for a drink, cook, eat and put up the tree together. Cool. Fine. Kitchen table or garden party poly is what some people want. Most people, however, probably do not want to share a bed with their naked metamour (in a V situation, not a triad). But everyone is new to poly, so Adam won't necessarily understand this is not something you want. HE just wants to share a bed with both his partners so he's bringing his naked self and naked new toyboy into bed with you.

Stand up for yourself, in everything!
 
It sounds like they're still hoping you'll change your mind and come around to a threesome. Don't put the responsibility for this on yourself. You've already told them to take it into the other room. How many times do they need to hear "I really mean it" before they grow up and have some respect?
 
Update: Wednesday night went well overall, with a few hiccups. Braden came over about an hour before Adam got home from work. That was a little awkward, but not terribly. As I've mentioned before, he and I have similar interests, so there was no lack of conversation.

Once Adam got home, they were initially a bit passive aggressive with one another, with Braden kind of flaunting a hookup he'd had since the last time they'd seen each other and Adam passive aggressively criticizing his choice in men. However, things settled pretty quickly and we decided to go to the local watering hole for a beverage before dinner since we had to make a grocery run anyway. During the time at the bar, Adam and Braden stepped out on the patio alone for a bit to talk. I respected their privacy and Adam later told me that the conversation was productive and they are more on the same page after it.

From there, we went to the grocery store and then all three of us cooked dinner together. It was a cordial and friendly dinner. After that, he assisted us in putting up our Christmas tree.

Then, Adam informed me that he was going to start the night in the guest room with Braden so they could talk. I didn't object and went back to the bedroom with the dogs. Not long after, I could hear them having sex (I don't object to that, but wish he would have said that was the plan rather saying they "needed to talk." That really may be on me, though). I went to sleep and woke up a few hours later to them both completely naked in Adam and my bed with me. Again, not a deal breaker, but wish they'd been more transparent as to plans. The next morning, Braden and I had coffee together and he headed home. We've had some limited text conversations since. Adam and him have been texting a lot.

Overall, it was a positive experience with a few hiccups. He will be coming over tomorrow to join us for a neighbor's Christmas party. So that will be interesting. Generally, cautiously optimistic :)
Same feedback as everyone else's.
Why don't you SAY this?
"Braden, I'd prefer you come over when Adam is home" (or "You can come over, but please bring a book, since I have stuff to do").

"Adam, I understand you want to share sex in the guest room. That is fine with me. Please don't use cover stories." (Though here, I'm not actually sure what the pain point is, and if it's reasonable to ask about 'plans' ahead of time.)

"Adam and Braden, please don't come to my and Adam's bed unless agreed upon with me/until further notice/ever. I prefer a situation where Adam sleeps in the guestroom and I sleep alone, instead of sleeping next to my naked metamour."

It's fine to ask things. If they object, they can voice their own preferences and you all try to find a win-win.

Did Adam teach you over the years that any request will be met with a bad mood or accusations? Is this something from your primary family? Both?

Speak up or you'll find yourself suffocated.
 
You could lock your bedroom door, when Braden is over to spend the night with Adam in the guest room, so that they STAY there.

GG
 
So, I'll apologize in advance if I'm over-posting, but I want to learn as much as possible as a total newbie. Over the past few weeks since the last post, things have seemed to settle down into something a bit more structured and a bit less volatile and emotional.

That said, we seem to have settled into a polycule (hope I'm using that word correctly) that I don't really have a name for. Basically, Adam and Braden have been actively dating (one-on-one dinners, movies, nights at Braden's place, just the two of them, etc.). And I'm totally cool with that. Braden and I don't do that. In addition, however, Braden and I have become much closer friends. We have very similar personalities and interests. For example, he joins us for our weekly happy hour at our local hangout, and he and I probably interact with each other more than he and Adam do, but not in a romantic way, just as friends. However, even though we're not romantically involved, we are both each other's "type," sexually. and have had sex a couple times (with Adam involved). So, while we are most certainly not a throuple, we kind of have a lopsided vee going on. Adam and Braden have basically a boyfriend relationship going on, Adam and I are married, and then Braden and I have basically a "friends with benefits" thing going on.

So, you may be wondering why the wordy post. Basically, it all seems to be going well, at the moment. However, this arrangement isn't anything I've read about in the books or websites, so I figured I'd ask those more experienced than me if this arrangement throws up any red flags that I'm not thinking of or need to think of.

Thanks, as always, for your expertise and advice.
 
It sounds like you are having the type of relationship you want with Braden and its working out well for both of you. The beauty of poly is it allows you to have individual relationships with people. Don't worry about fitting into a box or “similar to others” poly situation.
 
It sounds like you are having the type of relationship you want with Braden and it's working out well for both of you. The beauty of poly is it allows you to have individual relationships with people. Don't worry about fitting into a box or “similar to others” poly situation.
This makes perfect sense. Thank you. Sometimes it's hard to avoid trying to fit into a box once you've been conditioned. I just need to roll with it and see where things go. :)
 
Hi Liam,

It sounds like your situation has improved quite a bit. I am glad to hear that, and I'm willing to take it at face value. I don't see any red flags on the road ahead. That's not to say that things won't go sideways; there's always that possibility. But things are going well right now and that's a hopeful sign.

Not sure what to call your polycule. A triad-vee perhaps? Not that it really matters, the three of you are getting along together and that's what counts.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I thought it sounded like you didn't want to have sex with Braden, but I guess you changed your mind, or I must have misunderstood something somewhere.
 
I thought it sounded like you didn't want to have sex with Braden, but I guess you changed your mind, or I must have misunderstood something somewhere.
For background, we’ve been open sexually most of our relationship. It’s just the romance/poly piece on Adam’s side that is new. I have no desire for a second romantic relationship, but I don’t mind the occasional play on my side.
 
It is confusing. You sounded quite upset that Braden used to come along with your husband after they'd had sex in the guest room, both men naked, to share sleep in your bed. Are you now okay with that, or do you get to sleep undisturbed on their date nights?

How do you work out when you and Braden will share sex and when you won't? How does your husband feel about his bf having casual sex with you sometimes? Do you and Braden have one-on-one sex, or is it just threeways with Adam? Does the sex feel good and pleasant or is there imbalance?

I have had a relationship in which I had a long-term girlfriend and a newer boyfriend, and after a year or so of me dating him, the two of them had an FWB thing going for a while. It didn't last long. I didn't like it. In that case, the guy in question had a kind of "thrill of the hunt" thing going on with my gf and kept putting more energy in trying to enhance their sex, or increase its frequency, than into growing his relationship with me. She also felt the awkwardness. So we stopped it. And she and I decided we were never going to share partners again.

Later, another guy I was seeing also tried to put the moves on her. (Of course, it's somewhat different than your situation, because these guys were so excited by the idea of getting 2 women into bed at the same time, the most popular fantasy of straight or bi men ever). It got so bad that she and I decided to tone down even the idea of KTP, to prevent my bfs from trying to hit on her/get her to fuck them. Soon after this, I even took an extended break from dating men, because it got so weird how most men wanted to fetishize dating/fucking both of us at once.
 
It is confusing. You sounded quite upset that Braden used to come along with your husband after they'd had sex in the guest room, both men naked, to share sleep in your bed. Are you now okay with that, or do you get to sleep undisturbed on their date nights?

How do you work out when you and Braden will share sex and when you won't? How does your husband feel about his bf having casual sex with you sometimes? Do you and Braden have one-on-one sex, or is it just threeways with Adam? Does the sex feel good and pleasant or is there imbalance?

I have had a relationship in which I had a long-term girlfriend and a newer boyfriend, and after a year or so of me dating him, the two of them had an FWB thing going for a while. It didn't last long. I didn't like it. In that case, the guy in question had a kind of "thrill of the hunt" thing going on with my gf and kept putting more energy in trying to enhance their sex, or increase its frequency, than into growing his relationship with me. She also felt the awkwardness. So we stopped it. And she and I decided we were never going to share partners again.

Later, another guy I was seeing also tried to put the moves on her. (Of course, it's somewhat different than your situation, because these guys were so excited by the idea of getting 2 women into bed at the same time, the most popular fantasy of straight or bi men ever). It got so bad that she and I decided to tone down even the idea of KTP, to prevent my bfs from trying to hit on her/get her to fuck them. Soon after this, I even took an extended break from dating men, because it got so weird how most men wanted to fetishize dating/fucking both of us at once.
Thanks so much for the thorough response and for sharing your experience. All excellent and logical questions. First, I still prefer Adam and my bed to be our space, just us (and the dogs who take up an inordinate amount of space lol). I did wake up again this morning to them in the bed with me, so Adam and I will have to have another talk. It’s not that it upsets me enough to be a deal breaker, but I wish they wouldn’t. They are more than welcome to use the guest room (which actually has a more comfortable bed anyway). Or they can always spend the night at Braden’s place if they want more privacy, which they’ve done a couple times now (although Braden shared that Adam had a really hard time with it because I have uncontrolled epilepsy and Adam has a very hard time leaving me unattended).

As to the sex piece, Adam and I had a direct conversation and he’s ok with me having sex with Braden as long as it is discussed ahead of time, which is totally fair in my opinion. So far, we’ve had two threesomes with Adam and then Braden and I have been sexual one on one twice when Adam explicitly said he just wasn’t in the mood. And as to the final question, the sex does feel very good, he and I are totally sexually compatible and there’s no imbalance. It seems to be working at the moment. *knock on wood*
 
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