Bobbi
Well-known member
I’d encourage you all to discuss what it means for each of you, the word primary and the word secondary. You might find there are different definitions and assumptions. Someone might think primary is more important and secondary is disposable. Or primary means living together and becoming entwined with finances, etc., and secondary means living apart and not becoming entwined. Or primary comes first ALWAYS and the secondary has to suffer through the primary's whims.
When I use primary and secondary, it’s more about the depth of the love, intimacy and commitment. I also use the multiple primary model. I have a primary I live with and share finances with, and another I don’t live with, or share finances with, but it’s just as primary as the other. Someday, maybe, we will all live together, but for now it works for all of us.
You may find that Braden wants equal consideration and to be just as important, but doesn’t need to be first or entwined. Adam might be okay with that. You can have relationships where everyone is important and treated as such, without being equal. However, if Braden wants equal, that’s not going to happen. These are two different relationships with different people involved. There’s no way to make them equal. Even the feelings felt will be different for each individual.
It’s the difference between prescriptive hierarchy, where one is number one, and descriptive hierarchy, where the depth of the relationship determines what level they are at. Having a closed system, where partners will never reach the top, because one person holds that spot, or having a more flexible system where anyone can reach the top over time, growth and commitment.
I like to think of orbits. My top orbit is my 2 life partners, my best friend and my dad. The second orbit might be long-term partners, some close family and friends, and the the third orbit might be distant family, new partners and friends I don’t see much. The fourth orbit is the public, distant friends or acquaintances, or anyone that doesn’t fit the first three.
Once you all discuss actual needs, assumptions, and thoughts on this, you can come to an agreeable dynamic.
When I use primary and secondary, it’s more about the depth of the love, intimacy and commitment. I also use the multiple primary model. I have a primary I live with and share finances with, and another I don’t live with, or share finances with, but it’s just as primary as the other. Someday, maybe, we will all live together, but for now it works for all of us.
You may find that Braden wants equal consideration and to be just as important, but doesn’t need to be first or entwined. Adam might be okay with that. You can have relationships where everyone is important and treated as such, without being equal. However, if Braden wants equal, that’s not going to happen. These are two different relationships with different people involved. There’s no way to make them equal. Even the feelings felt will be different for each individual.
It’s the difference between prescriptive hierarchy, where one is number one, and descriptive hierarchy, where the depth of the relationship determines what level they are at. Having a closed system, where partners will never reach the top, because one person holds that spot, or having a more flexible system where anyone can reach the top over time, growth and commitment.
I like to think of orbits. My top orbit is my 2 life partners, my best friend and my dad. The second orbit might be long-term partners, some close family and friends, and the the third orbit might be distant family, new partners and friends I don’t see much. The fourth orbit is the public, distant friends or acquaintances, or anyone that doesn’t fit the first three.
Once you all discuss actual needs, assumptions, and thoughts on this, you can come to an agreeable dynamic.