Fluid bonding/No condoms

M

Maygen

New member
A few of my friends were discussing fluid bonding and poly. And it got me curious how other people deal with it. How do you approach the idea of fluid bonding (no condoms/barriers during sexual acts) within your relationships?

How do you discuss the topic with your partner(s), with their partner(s)? Do you and your partner(s) have rules? Is it only allowed with your "primary"? Have you ever had rules that you've changed or modified around fluid bonding? Etcetera, etcetera...
 
Going without condoms isn't an emotional thing for me, my partners think it feels better and because we have sex so often it's just easier to go without. Just as if my husband has a long term lover it just makes sense if they agree to his terms that they go without.


I am barrier free with both partners. I would not want to be in a network of barrier free people for instance if my boyfriend had a barrier free partner who also had Barrier free sex with someone else I would choose to use condoms. I've never had an STI and would like to keep it that way.

My husband may have one barrier free partner but only if they use condoms with others (the exception being they have a partner that either uses condoms with others or isn't sexually active outside of their relationship). I also don't want my husband jumping lover to lover without condoms. Ultimately it's up to him though and if he chooses to participate in what i deem risky behavior i would choose to use condoms with him.

Recently he had barrier free sex with a fuck buddy he's been active with off and on for a year, unfortunately it seems she may not see him again because she may be opting to date a monogamous man.
 
It is not emotional for me either. I prefer not to use them. I rarely have sex with someone I don't know. In those rare cases I will use them. I will also use them if requested.
 
For me, fluid bonding is an emotional thing because for me, it involves having a lot of trust in my partner. Trust is something that doesn't come easily with me, so if someone reaches that level, it means there are some pretty deep emotions involved, and allowing barrier-free sex makes me feel closer to them because of that trust.

So I guess maybe it's more that fluid bonding is a physical sign of the emotional closeness that has already developed?

It isn't something I've done with many partners. Obviously Hubby and I don't use condoms. We stopped that a month into our relationship, back in 2008, after establishing sexual health (I'd been tested; he hadn't had any partner in something like four years) and declaring ourselves exclusive. I fluid bonded with Guy during my second trip to Michigan, but I wasn't really comfortable with the idea; I did it because he'd been asking, and because, as little sense as this makes, I felt he deserved it because he'd been good to me. I wished afterward that I hadn't, though, because it didn't feel right. With S2, it did feel right, and we stopped using condoms about a month and a half into our relationship, after the sexual health conversation.

At this point, I don't know whether I would be comfortable going barrier-free with any other partner, and I think to do so, I would have to know that I'm their only partner, which isn't likely to happen again.
 
I always use my diaphragm, so fluid bonding isn't a huge thing for me. If my partner has come back clean on his std panel and I know that he is exclusive with me, then I have no objection to it. I hate condoms, personally. However, if he has multiple partners, then I will usually opt to continue condom use. I see myself as a gatekeeper - my husbands are both currently monogamous and if they hit positive on anything, it would be because I wasn't careful. Currently, I am condom free with all 3 of my partners, but they actually don't cum in me very often, if at all.
 
I'm fluid bonded with my husband. I STRONGLY prefer that everyone involved get tested before even barriered sex (because those do sometimes fail). If one of us chooses to go no-barrier with another partner, we'll inform the other partner, who can decide if they'd like to institute barriers.

I'd only consider going barrier-free with someone who had no/only static other partners who had all tested clean for major stds. And I'd have to trust them.
 
If you do a search, there are a lot of good threads on this issue (where you can see even more viewpoints if you want.)

For me, fluid bonding isn't an emotional thing either. I prefer not to use condoms...that's probably a product of not having used one in decades prior to my divorce (long-term mono marriage.) Blue & I used them in the beginning of our relationship. Now we only use them for anal. If he chooses to be fluid bonded with anyone else, we will switch back to condoms. I have/will use condoms with all other partners.

I've been tested out the wazoo during our relationship due to an issue with recurring UTIs & yeast infections... I was being tested every 2-3 months, now it's every 6 months. The only thing that came back positive (aside from yeast infections which can be, but aren't necessarily sexually transmitted), was HPV and males can't be tested for that. And, like HSV, it's transmittable even with consistent, proper use of condoms. So far, it's not caused any problems but obviously, requires disclosure to other partners. My doctor said it will likely clear on it's own. Ironically, my best friend, who is in a mono marriage, tested positive right before me. Her doctor assured her that she's likely been carrying it for years and it shouldn't be considered a sign that her husband is cheating.
 
I don't think Fluid bonding is an emotional issue for anyone in a committed relationship poly or mono. However, I was recently reviewing a medical journal article on infections.
There are several classes of virus which take months or even years to become detectable under a standard STD panel. They stay in a dormant state until triggered by fever conditions, or allergic reaction to some unrelated event. While trust is a key component on any relationship so is being responsible.
Consider cold sores for example which won't should up on a standard panel unless the infection is active/present but constitute an STD nonetheless.

Be open but aware in those relationships.
 
47newbie said:
I don't think Fluid bonding is an emotional issue for anyone in a committed relationship poly or mono.
Click to expand...

Erm... if you read my previous post, you'll see that it *is* an emotional issue for me... maybe it isn't for *all* people, but it definitely is for some.
 
47newbie said:
I don't think Fluid bonding is an emotional issue for anyone in a committed relationship poly or mono. However, I was recently reviewing a medical journal article on infections.
There are several classes of virus which take months or even years to become detectable under a standard STD panel. They stay in a dormant state until triggered by fever conditions, or allergic reaction to some unrelated event. While trust is a key component on any relationship so is being responsible.
Consider cold sores for example which won't should up on a standard panel unless the infection is active/present but constitute an STD nonetheless.

Be open but aware in those relationships.
Click to expand...

I have to disagree qith you, I think the majority of people see fluid bonding as a milestone esp when they are still on the relationship escalator
 
I see fluid bonding as an emotional thing, like many other people have stated on here as an act of trust. That's how I see it.

However, because I tend to be sexually active with a lot of different people at different times I am not fluid bonded to anyone.

I also have severe freak out paranoia of getting pregnant again, even though I use condoms and have a copper coil. So for me condoms are an absolute nessecity against pregnancy and STDs...and also the fact that I have been raped with the object of them wanting to make me pregnant. So yeah, barrier free is hugely emotionally connected to me and my sexual and physical autonomy. My body my choice.

Erm if I didn't have those hang ups, then maybe it would be less emotional for me ;)

On other notes, two men I have been with wanted to be barrier not because of std or pregnancy but because of having foreskin. Apparently it can be uncomfortable and / or painful without a condom and with foreskin. That was a new one for me.
 
Hi Maygen,

Re (from OP):
"How do you approach the idea of fluid bonding within your relationships?"
Click to expand...

I'm in a closed poly-fi V ... and we trust each other. Both guys have had vasectomies, so, we aren't using condoms at all. If our V ever became an N, I suppose we'd revisit the issue.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'm solo. No glove, no love, baby. I still can't believe it when a guy balks at wearing a rubber in fucking 2015, like it shouldn't be expected. I don't feel any difference with or without one, and I don't have to worry about getting preggers, since I've been menopausal for five years now, but it's about STDs for me. I don't care how long I'm dating someone - as long as either one of us has other partners, put the condom on! The only way I'd fluid bond is if I was in a long-term monogamous relationship.
 
We have rules about condom use with new partners. Safety, not emotional considerations. I can't feel a difference one way or another on my end. MrS doesn't mind them but Dude finds them uncomfortable.

I have an IUD, so not a pregnancy risk on my end (or on Lotus's), but the boys are to avoid pregnancy risk with anyone else. I have HPV (although have been negative the last few paps) - Dude and Lotus waited until she had the full course of HPV immunizations (and both had negative screens) before going barrier free.
 
We became fluid bonded after a couple of months. Boyfriend took the STI tests (we already had), I put in IUD and that was it. It is very practical to not have to deal with condoms, the skin contact is better and it is emotional, too. The boys just have sex with me.
 
I have some really strong emotional feelings about fluid bonding. Although trust is part of it, it's..you know, it's actually slightly embarrassing to put into words, but there is a feeling of if a person is coming inside me, then they're kind of becoming a part of me (and vice versa, with my fluids being on them long enough to "infuse" into them). There aren't necessarily a lot of people who I want to have that sharing with, on that level.

When Jon was dating both Lora and I, he was fluid-bonded to her, and eventually to me. For her it was a practical "I don't want to get STIs from a metamour" thing, so she was cautious and needed a lot of talking and thinking to be OK with it. For Jon, it was both that, and emotional feelings too.

During that time, I was only fluid-bonded to Jon. Now that Jon is not with Lora anymore, we're only fluid-bonded to each other.

I would be comfortable with either of us being fluid-bonded to another person (maybe even two, probably won't know until/unless it happens!), but I would definitely want to know that that person is also being safe and using condoms with most other partners. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I met someone who I wanted to be fluid-bonded with who was part of a "chain" of fluid-bonded people (like if he/she was also fluid-bonded to one other person, who was fluid-bonded to that person and one other person who was also only fluid bonded to two other people, but continuing on and on). I think it would depend on how long the chain went on.

I'd feel the same way about Jon wanting to fluid bond to someone who was part of a chain, but I have a feeling that he'd be more likely to be extremely cautious about it than I would. He is very slow about becoming sexually intimate with people to begin with, so I think becoming part of a chain of fluid-bonded people would really make him nervous.

FTR, we do always use condoms with anal still, because...bacteria is bad, you know?
 
LizziE said:
I have some really strong emotional feelings about fluid bonding. Although trust is part of it, it's..you know, it's actually slightly embarrassing to put into words, but there is a feeling of if a person is coming inside me, then they're kind of becoming a part of me (and vice versa, with my fluids being on them long enough to "infuse" into them). There aren't necessarily a lot of people who I want to have that sharing with, on that level.
Click to expand...
You put it into words well.
 
Roger and I have been fluid bonded for ages, since we were monogamous for so long before opening up. I've been on the pill for about a decade, so no concerns about pregnancy.

Jack and I fluid bonded right away. We had been friends for years, so even though we started off as FWB, there was a very real emotional connection there. He was also not seeing anyone else. I do think the emotional piece is important to me for fluid bonding.

Once Roger started dating Taylor (his first partner after we opened up), he fluid bonded with her immediately. This was really hard for me, since I didn't know her and didn't trust that she was safe (comparatively, Roger and Jack had been friends for many years). I had stated that I wasn't comfortable with him not using condoms the first time, but there was some miscommunication. He didn't realize that I was asking him to use condoms. He assured me that she had tested negative for STIs, and so he didn't see it as a problem. It was only afterwards that he understood how hard this was for me, in the context of that emotional connection he formed with her with fluid bonding and the difficulties I had related to feeling replaced and less-than. We worked through it.

Now, I am fluid bonded with both of my partners, as is Roger. I've made it clear that I'd want to know if Roger, Jack, or Taylor have new partners, because I may change that, if my risk increases. I trust Roger to let me know about whether Taylor takes on new partners, and I have told him to let her know the same for me. For over the last year, though, it's just been us four, so I have no problems remaining fluid bonded. I'm not a fan of condoms - I find them to be annoying over a prolonged sex session and I yearn for that skin to skin contact. But I'll return to them (and/or other barrier protection) if things change.
 
Barrier free and regularly tested across the vee. Fox and I only use condoms when he has other partners between tests. Anybody new has condoms until trust and testing have happened. Lady is barrier free with her dom but he enforces barrier use and testing with their play partners. That was a big issue for me. Barrier free entails a lot of emotion and trust building in my world as well as seeing regular test results. I've had poly partners in the past where being barrier free only in the married couple was part of the agreement. I'm not a huge fan of condom and such but it's stupid to not use them outside of a committed relationship. I always figure going without signified a certain level of trust and commitment even with my fwbs. And I've never hesitated to discuss this before during and after sex.
Of course I also worked in harm reduction for a while and handed out condoms and worked in a needle exchange in college. Being careful is a way to express love just as not using barriers can be a way to express trust and commitment
 
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