FMF triad sudden dynamic shift

[okaythen]

Hi,

I am completely new here and just needed a little bit of reassurance on some feelings about a very quick dynamic change in what I thought was a closed triad.

Quick relationship rundown: I (F) fell in love with a married couple (MF) that I had known for little over a year. They felt the same, and we started a triad. It has just been us for 6 months. All of us are new to polyamory. We are trying our best to navigate our way through tricky times with online resources and being open and honest with each other.

They wanted things to move really quickly (wanting to move in together, talking about marriage within the first few weeks) and I am just not that kind of person to dive in head first. NRE is intoxicating and I have gently pushed back that I would need time to get to those stages. This was taken well and we have slowly been building our foundations, amongst the bumpy parts, and it has been growing into something really incredible.

We had never fully discussed if we were open or closed, but the serious nature of the relationship gave me the impression that it was closed, so I never thought to bring it up and no one had really hinted at wanting to venture outside of our bubble. I am happy with open too, but just... communication.

This past Saturday, I went to visit them after we had all been unwell for a little over a week. My girlfriend told me immediately that she had downloaded some dating apps on Thursday, as she wanted to explore casual sex to fulfill a fantasy and unlearn some toxic religious values she was raised with. I was a little startled by the information. This is the first we had spoken about it. But she can be impulsive, so this isnt entirely out of character.

She then told me she had already had matches and had already made plans to meet someone on Wednesday, with whom she was sexting and sending pictures to already.

I think at this point I was in a bit of shock. I am always open and encouraging, so I led with that mentality. I said I was happy for her, but reminded her to be sexually safe for all of us (ask for STI results, get a check herself, use condoms, etc.), and to keep me in the loop about location for safety reasons.

The meetup was supposed to happen Wednesday, and it was just to sus the guy out and see if she got a good vibe from him and then they would go from there. By the next day, the plans had changed, and she was meeting him that night. She wasn't sure if she was going to sleep with him, but considering how hot and heavy the messages were, it was pretty obvious what was going to happen. And it did.

I guess my issue here is that I have severe whiplash from this. I can't tell up from down, left from right. I feel hurt and kind of betrayed, and, to be honest, honest kind of cheated on. I had less than 24 hours to digest the information about our whole relationship dynamic changing before she jumped into bed with a stranger, not to mention the sexting was happening BEFORE I even knew about her downloading the apps.

This also meant my request for sexual safety went out the window. We now have halted all sexual activity between us while we play catch up on that. Her husband/my boyfriend also downloaded the apps on Thursday and even though nothing eventuated from it, I feel like I was left out of it and just expected to be okay while they decided to open our triad.

I always want the best for the both of them, no matter what that looks like, and being poly gives us the freedom to do these things. But the way it happened feels so wrong.

There are no resources I can find on this to help me understand if my feelings of hurt are valid or if I am thinking with a monogamous brain.

I have had a few chats with her about this. She feels bad, and I ended up reassuring her that I would be okay eventually. But I don't know if I will be okay.

I wish I had been in the loop from the beginning. It's like my feelings and our relationship weren't considered at all. Where is the line in ethical non-monogamy vs. just doing whatever you want, without talking it through with your partners first? I don't know. I am sorry if this whole thread is a bit scattered. I am still in a bit of a shocked state.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

We had never fully discussed if we were open or closed, but the serious nature of the relationship gave me the impression that it was closed so I never thought to bring it up and no one had really hinted at wanting to venture outside of our bubble. I am happy with open too, but just... communication.

This part here belies much of your thinking. The way you connected "serious nature" with "closed".

It's absolutely true that there is as much onus on them to be upfront and proactive about communicating boundaries as you, but there is also some on you too. Part of adapting to polyamory is deconditioning yourself from these assumptions.

Now here's the thing, if someone has to be right or wrong in this situation, then you are more right than wrong. However, being a closed triad really isn't in your personal interests. Being the "Unicorn" to a established spousal couple is a tough position to be in. You lack a lot of social power. It's in your interests to be able to have relationships outside of this triad, even if you don't act on it.

This also meant my request for sexual safety went out the window

Does this mean they didn't use barriers at all? What were your requests?

I feel like my feelings and our relationship wasnt considered at all.

This is a red flag. But honestly, overall, I think this could be a case where what they want is better for you and you just don't know it yet because it feels much more scary.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

They wanted things to move really quickly (wanting to move in together, talking about marriage within the first few weeks), but I am just not the kind of person to dive in headfirst. NRE is intoxicating and I gently pushed back that I would need time to get to those stages.

This kind of sounds like love-bombing to me, coming on too hot and intense. Who talks about living together and MARRIAGE just a few weeks in?

We had never fully discussed if we were open or closed, but the serious nature of the relationship gave me the impression that it was closed, so I never thought to bring it up and no one had hinted at wanting to venture outside of our bubble. I am happy with open too, but just... communication.

So, why aren't YOU communicating? Are you letting the couple take the "lead" just because they are the couple? Speak up and advocate for yourself and your interests. Don't go all meek just because they were a couple first.

I guess my issue here is that I have severe whiplash from this. I can't tell up from down, left from right. I feel hurt and kind of betrayed, and, to be honest, kind of cheated on.

Yup. I can understand that.

This also meant my request for sexual safety went out the window. We now have halted all sexual activity between us while we play catch-up on that.

She didn't use condoms/safer sex practices?

Her husband/my boyfriend also downloaded the apps on Thursday and even though nothing eventuated from it, I feel like I was left out of it and just expected to be okay, while they decided to open up our triad.

So was this a case of you assuming "closed," and them assuming "open"? Or was this them urging to be closed, and then making a unilateral decision to open, without telling you, like couple privilege?

I always want the best for the both of them, no matter what that looks like and being poly gives us the freedom to do these things, but the way it happened just feels so wrong.

Even if it means steamrolling right over you? Where are YOU in this? What about what is best for YOU?

There is no resources I can find on this to help me understand if my feelings of hurt are valid or if I am thinking with a monogamous brain.

Polyamory doesn't mean that basic manners, consent, or communication fly out the window.

I can't tell if there was cheating on poly agreements, or if there was a grey area, where his FEELS like cheating, but technically isn't, because you hadn't finished talking out the agreements yet. But whatever it is, you sound upset and disappointed at how this all played out.

I don't know if you are bumping into any of these.

https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/

https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

I have had a few chats with her about this, she feels bad. I ended up reassuring her that I would be okay eventually... I just wish I had been in the loop from the beginning.

It's okay for you NOT to be okay with this and for it to be a dealbreaker, especially if she agreed to safer sex practices and then didn't use any and put your health at risk.

What ARE your dealbreakers? Have you articulated them to yourself? Some things you might be willing to give second chances on because... newbies, but other things, maybe not.

But I don't know if I will be okay. It's like my feelings and our relationship weren't considered at all. Where is the line in ethical non-monogamy vs. just doing whatever you want without talking it through with your partners first? I don't know. I am sorry if this whole thread is a bit scattered. I am still in a bit of a shocked state.

Well, were your feelings considered? How would you like to be considered? What are your explicit expectations?

You say the GF is impulsive, but both of them downloaded apps and were looking to date outside the triad. Exactly when was the conversation about that going to happen?

Or do they figure they are the "main couple," while you are a side character in "their" movie, and are just expected to roll with whatever they say?

Where is the line in ethical non-monogamy vs. just doing whatever you want without talking it through with your partners first?

YOU get to decide where the line is drawn for your limit of tolerance. YOU get to decide what you will and will not put up with in your relationships.

There is a line drawn between ethical non-monogamy vs just doing whatever you want. You all talk together and decide where you all agree to place that line. You (plural) figure out what your shared agreements are going to be, how you will practice poly together.

I'm not sure why you'd agree to a "closed" triad from the start of it. Even in monogamy people don't start going steady from Day 1. Perhaps it was inexperience. It sounds like you didn't like the couple just deciding things from the sky and not telling you about it.

I encourage you to talk this out. Figure out if you still want to keep going with them or not. But if you do continue, no more closed-triad expectations, and no making major life decisions while you are all NRE-drunk with the IDEA of polyamory and NRE-drunk with this couple.

No living together, no going steady, no leaping into marriage, and watch out for love-bombing weirdness.

Don't let your inexperience lead you down weird paths. You might be new to polyamory, but you are the expert on YOU and what you will and will not put up with.

 

[MeeraReed]

Can I ask you for some more info?

How old are you?
How old are they?
Does anyone have kids?
What are your respective living situations--like, owning a house, renting, etc.?
Why were they wanting you to move in so quickly? (Good on you for saying no to that plan, by the way).

I think a part of your struggle is not just your assumption that your triad was closed, but that the two of them decided together (without you, without talking to you first) that they wanted to do casual sex with others. Like, it feels very much like they made a joint decision (or had had prior joint discussions) as a couple about it, while you weren't clued in.

That's kind of a different dynamic than if you had a boyfriend and a girlfriend (who weren't dating each other) and one of them decided to start dating others casually, when you had assumed your poly dynamic was closed for now. You might feel blindsided briefly, but could probably overcome your surprise with communication. In this case, their decision to start seeing others reveals your outsider status and your lack of power in the dynamic.

After all, your girlfriend didn't make this decision without talking a lot TO HER HUSBAND first, right? It was just YOU she blindsided.

I understand why you are hurt.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello okaythen,

Communication is indeed vital in poly, and from this recent experience, you have probably learned never to assume anything in the future. Always get confirmation. "We're closed, right?" rather than just assuming the triad was closed. If something is important to you, you should ask about it right away. Of course they assumed too. They assumed that you knew that the triad was open. Rather than saying to you, "You know that this triad is open, right?" They should have said that right from the beginning. Sure the relationship was serious, but serious relationships can be open too. That's why communication is so important.

I definitely get the vibe that this couple talked to each other about getting the dating app, and that you were the only one (of the three of you) who got taken by surprise by it. If that's what happened, that's not cool on their part. With all the love bombing they did, they should have at least treated you as an equal, with equal rights.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I think a part of your struggle is not just your assumption that your triad was closed, but that the two of them decided together (without you, without talking to you first) that they wanted to do casual sex with others. Like, it feels very much like they made a joint decision (or had had prior joint discussions) as a couple about it while you weren't clued in.

On this part, I'm not sure if they were unfair, as such. I mean, I'd never assume someone wants to be poly just to have one additional partner. I think the assumption that a poly relationship will be closed is more wrong than assuming it will be open. I find it hard to understand why anyone would assume polyfidelity is the plan.

There is an issue with OP not being involved in discussions. I think there is onus on everyone to be candid about their expectations.

 

[Magdlyn]

And this is why being a unicorn sucks, and why trying to date an established couple is highly risky and difficult.

Unicorns think: I'm bi, so I'm gonna just date this established couple and get to have sex with both a man and a woman and even maybe threeway sex! Yay! I'm horny and excited. Let's fucking go!

Couples think: our relationship comes first, so we will "share" one woman to prevent jealousy. We have fantasized about sharing a woman for years, we want her to live with us and be our sister wife! Yay!

Only for the NRE to fade, for communication with the "shared" woman to be spotty. And often/usually the unicorn is young and inexperienced, bowled over by all the romantic/sexual attention from two people at once, and willing to go along with whatever this couple says and does.

And then it gets ugly.

 

[Openbook23]

All of what Magdlyn wrote, yes. Let me add some perspective as a married man. I think couples like the one you are with sometimes THINK they can be truly non-heirarchical. They may intend to do so. However, this requires a LOT of self-reflection and disentangling. If you are married, you share a home (usually) and finances (usually), and you have a history that pre-dates the unicorn. You have habits and tendencies, shared goals, and even a legal commitment to each other. Setting all of that aside to create a truly equal triad is difficult, perhaps even unrealistic. Triads are HIGH level poly, not for newbies. I'm sure some newer people succeed at them, but it's rare.

I very intentionally work on avoiding heirarchy when possible. However, my wife and I solo date. We have no desire to date the same person, find a unicorn, have a triad, etc. So, for me, this means that our other partners deserve respect. They are people that one of us has a relationship with, and that relationship needs space to be what it can be (i.e. what the people in it want it to be). Even so, because we live together and have these shared finances/commitments, etc. what I do with my other partners affects my wife (it's OUR money I'm spending).

Plus, as a married couple, we are used to being able to make decisions together, without having to consult anyone else. It's a pattern. Now, YOU did not deserve this. What they did was disrespectful to you, and I'm sorry it happened. They weren't being malicious, but they were being neglectful, and that's NOT Ok. I hope you can repair this (because you seem to want to do so), but you need to get some boundaries in writing at this point. There's a communication breakdown, and if you are fortunate, it can be resolved with clear communication. Clear communication is explicit, not implicit. Good luck!