Forgiveness in the Face of Rage?

[Arius]

Recently my former partner has had a couple major life events come up: a marriage, and a hook suspension that she'd been dreaming of for nearly a decade. In both cases I tried to be happy for her. In both cases I was filled with rage seeing the central role that her partner - her Daddy Dom - now occupies in her life, and how obviously peripheral I have become to her.

She wants me to be happy for her at these events, or not go at all. I love her and she's one of my best friends; the idea of not being present at the most important moments of her life is awful to me. She uninvited me from her wedding, which caused a big rift between us, and after the hook suspension she told me she wished I hadn't come if I was going to be sullen and irritable the whole time. Given that I wanted to scream "FUCK YOU!!!!" at both of them every time I saw them together, I think I did alright.

There were portions of the event he was not present for, and during that time I felt happy and fine. It was when he was there that I was furious. It didn't help that I was there by myself. It didn't help that I doubt I'll ever have the kind of love that they have. I go to bed by myself every night while they are living their cozy domestic life together; the cozy domestic life that was mine until he came along.



Our history is long and complicated, but the details that seem essential right now:

5 years ago, I got chronically ill. Shortly after, we stopped having sex as often and she told me it was hard for her to feel attracted to me because of my illness.

She got a job as a social worker and rapidly lost the capacity to do the emotional work that poly relationships require to thrive.

She kept dating other people despite the fact that she didn't have enough energy to be a good partner to me. I resented this, and told her so. She said she needed the escape.

2.5 - 3 years ago, she very suddenly got into an extremely serious relationship with the person she recently married. Within weeks she was in love and calling him "Daddy." It was immediately obvious that she valued him far above me. She gave him sexual things I had always wanted from her that she had denied me. She gave him all the time and attention and love that I had been aching for. I went into a jealous rage, from which I have never fully emerged.

Eventually our relationship disintegrated and I moved out.

We are trying to be friends now. I can't imagine us not being friends. That is not an acceptable outcome for me right now. What I want to know is:

How do I stop being furious?

I want to be in her life in a positive way, but my rage is burning inside of me and I can barely control it whenever I am reminded of how much more he means to her than I do.

I know part of it is that I believe that space in her life should be MINE, and I hate her for abandoning me because I got sick. I hate her for allowing our connection to wither and die so that she could prioritize a job she doesn't even like and her relationship with him over us.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am not sure how long you were with your ex (she needs a nickname), or how long it has been since you broke up and moved out.

Your rage is due to grief. So is your jealousy. Both are masks for grieving a loss. I am sorry for your loss.

Obviously, your ex was not a "for better or worse" person. She was a fair weather person, who dumped you when you were ill and not able to deliver sex X times a month. That speaks poorly of her character, or maybe just of a basic incompatibility, to be fair.

It is extremely difficult to "be friends" with someone after an acrimonious breakup. The best thing to do is to go no contact for a period of time. YMMV. It might take 6 weeks, it might take 6 months, or a year or more(!) before you can heal the loss somewhat and move into a new friendship place with her.

The Daddy Dom is not at fault. And you are not lesser than him. And who knows, if he gets sick and can't deliver sex or kink, she might dump him too.

You can keep venting here. Venting always helps a little. You could also look up stages of grief, and seek grief counseling.

You have my sympathies for your loss. It feels awful to be dumped when you're sick and low energy. It's like being kicked when you're down. Good relationships, even poly ones, last through good times and bad, sickness and health, for better or for worse.

I do think it was good you didn't go to the wedding! It's not always a great thing for exes to share. And as far as the hook suspension, that is very full of emotions and endorphins, which would also be trying when you're grieving in an angry jealous way. You are trying to maintain a connection, but it's very difficult given the circumstances. Feeling OK about her when her new partner isn't in the room is a way to deny his existence. Denial is a stage of grief too.

Back away and heal.

 

[SenatorBinks27]

Been going through something similar over the past year, and mine was exacerbated by the lack of any concrete answer as to why things happened the way they did. And perhaps my being unable to fully hide my hurt is what drove the friendship to the limbo it's in now, but the one thing I always made sure to do is keep telling her "This is my issue with my feelings, you did nothing wrong" - which isn't 100% true but true enough at the core: people need to do what's best for them, and sometimes that's not what's best for us.

And sometimes people just aren't comfortable with certain people. My ex-wife Marsh wanted lots of things I wasn't comfortable giving her, but I was fine with the friend in question Gremlin because I trusted her more to not hurt me. So while it sucks, nobody is at fault - comfort and consent are key to any physical relationship.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Arius,

I don't know whether this will help, but I have to say, it struck me that your anger seems to be misdirected. You said that you are able to not be angry when he is not around, but as soon as he shows up, you feel furious. Yet, he is not the one who is causing you this much pain, it is her who is doing it. She started abandoning you long before he showed up in her life. It is her who really engineered the wedding and the hook suspension that cast such a huge shadow over the present. She just took five years to do it.

I am guessing that you are more angry *at him* than you are at her, and that the reason is precisely because you can't bear to contemplate losing her. I would point out that in the end, in spite of your hurt/angry feelings, you've always accepted whatever little amount of a relationship she's been willing to give you. When she stopped having sex with you as often, you were hurt but still accepted whatever little sex she was willing to give. When she denied certain sexual things to you but allowed them with him, you were hurt but still accepted whatever kind of sex she was willing to give. When she refused to empathize when you explained to her that you were hurt, that hurt you even more but you still settled for whatever little emotional support she was willing to give. When she prioritized him over you, and treated you like a secondary, that hurt a lot and yet you settled for that diminished status because that's all she was offering at the time.

Now she has completely cut you off from any romantic relationship with her, and only offers friendship ... which you are willing to settle for, even though it makes you feel very, very angry inside. The writing is on the wall, she is going to continue to distance herself from you, until you have no place in her life at all. And in the meantime, you'll continue to accept whatever little relationship she is still offering, no matter how much it hurts or angers you. Your desire will always be to figure out how to stop feeling hurt or angry, rather than how to eliminate the cause of the hurt and anger. And, when the final scene of this drama plays out, and she dumps you even as a friend, you'll ultimately accept that as well even though it will crush you inside. It is unacceptable, to you, to even think of rejecting any part of her. That's how devoted you are to her. She slowly starves you to death, while you continue to turn to her for whatever little scraps of bread she is willing to offer.

As much as I want to advise you to walk away from her, I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'm just going to ask you to consider the narrative I've just laid out, and hopefully draw the conclusion that *this isn't your fault.* On the contrary, you've been very forgiving. Most people wouldn't be so willing to accept her steadily-diminishing offerings, they would have written her off a long time ago. Your "crime" is that you have loved her unconditionally. You still love her unconditionally. The hurt and angry feelings that you feel, are nothing more than the appropriate feelings that anyone would feel, if they were going through what you are going through. Maybe you don't need to forgive her, maybe you need to forgive yourself, for feeling this way.

One must accept oneself, one must forgive oneself, before one can accept and forgive others. Let your focus be on repairing your relationship with you. She has taken that away from you, whether or not intentionally I can't tell, and maybe it doesn't matter. It just matters that you know what to do now.

At least that is my take on things.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I was filled with rage seeing the central role that her partner - her Daddy Dom - now occupies in her life, and how obviously peripheral I have become to her..... I love her and she's one of my best friends; ... I wanted to scream "FUCK YOU!!!!" at both of them every time I saw them together.....We are trying to be friends now.

That's an awful lot of extreme internal conflict while trying to be friends. Have you two taken time away from each other? You can't jump into "friends" after a breakup, you need to each get some distance first. Your rage won't just melt away, nor should you want it to, really. It's internal guidance telling you to get away from all of this. Keep ignoring it and it will get stronger, have you noticed? Have you ever taken that quiet, extended time away from her?

 

[Arius]

Thanks to each of you for all the empathy. It helps a lot, and feels like a balm on my heart right now.

Kevin, the narrative you laid out is bang on and definitely gives me some food for thought.

The only detail I would correct is that I'm not mad at him at all. He and I actually spend time together quite amicably. He's not my type of person, and I'm not interested in being his friend, but I don't feel a hint of anger towards him. He was just being himself, and he's been compassionate and understanding throughout (which, admittedly, is super easy when you're in his boat).

I'm angered by his presence because she immediately orients away from me and towards him and because I'm immediately reminded of how loving and compassionate she can be when she wants to and I just feel jealous and pissed.

So, like, with the hook suspension, they gave me a ride. They show up. He's driving the car (the dominant position in any vehicle), and she's in the passenger seat. I get in the back. I'm not driving the car. I'm not part of the front-seat dyad. I'm just a passenger in the back. I feel a twinge of anger.

We get there, and she's hanging off his arm and kissing him and looking to him for reassurance (bc she's really anxious about the suspension) I'm just hanging around awkwardly by myself. I get sullen and withdrawn.

Then a group of us go into the room where the suspension is happening and he stays outside because he faints at the sight of blood. Now I feel special and important, because I'm part of the thing. Plus now there's no two of them and one of me. Everyone in the room is there as a single individual. And I'm not having their relationship shoved in my face. I calm down and make a few jokes and feel good.

Then it's over and she rushes into his arms and I go stiff and dark and decide to leave - by myself - and take a bus to my empty home and empty bed rather than spend one more second with the two of them.

I'm not like this when I'm hanging out with her and he comes home. Sometimes we're all chilling on their couch together watching a movie and I'm fine - because we're just three equal people on a couch. But when it's a special event or he's driving the car or if they were to snuggle up and leave me alone on the couch beside them, that's when the anger flares up like an inferno.

My anger is definitely directed at her. And, if I think about it, I think you're also right that I'm angry with myself for continuing to put up with her shit.

I would never have abandoned her the way she abandoned me. I would have done whatever it took to keep our relationship healthy and strong. And it kills me that she wouldn't do the same.

I wouldn't say that the anger is getting WORSE, though that's an interesting theory. It's diminished a lot, and then it just flares up in certain moments.

Maybe we do need some space though.

 

[Arius]

Also, *I* know I'm not lesser than the Daddy Dom. But she obviously doesn't.

There are definitely things he wins at. Being attractive to women is one. He's taller, more confident, has more money.

But there are lots of things that I win at too. I'm more self-disciplined, I'm better at supportive listening, I can play guitar.

One of the things that actually really really pisses me off is that I'd make a better Daddy to her than he ever will. I know this for a fact.

And yet she chose him and not me. And I'm pretty sure it's because he's more confident, has practically zero anti-patriarchal analysis, and has lots of money... even though she attributes it to vague things like "chemistry" (yeah - chemistry fueled by the fact that he's super privileged).

I know exactly where I stand vis-a-vis him, both in my mind and in hers. And her abject failure to appreciate what I have to offer is one of the things that makes me the most angry.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle with anger.

I mean all this kindly ok? It might not be what you want to hear.

I'm not too sure what went down with the break up. And I can tell you are upset in your writing, so it's hard to see through that filter. So my impressions might be off. But what it sounds like to me? In case it helps you decide what to do?

She wants me to be happy for her at these events, or not go at all.

Then don't go. You are NOT at a place of happiness yet. You are still working through anger and grief.

Keep your expectations of yourself way simpler. If you are not yet well? Don't be attending her bonus stuff if it means neglecting your basic self care stuff. One could do self care basics stuff before attending to other people bonus stuff.

I love her and she's one of my best friends; the idea of not being present at the most important moments of her life is awful to me.

Why? If you were in a coma or deployed in the military or similar... sometimes people miss events. There will be other events. Life is long.

I think if you are struggling with RAGE? That is reason enough to put YOUR self care first, rather than her wedding stuff first.

Are you good at loving yourself first? Not like selfish, but like self care?

Because if right now you are struggling with anger/rage stuff? Maybe it just isn't the time to go to to her wedding party and her kink things?

She uninvited me from her wedding, which caused a big rift between us, and after the hook suspension she told me she wished I hadn't come if I was going to be sullen and irritable the whole time. Given that I wanted to scream "FUCK YOU!!!!" at both of them every time I saw them together, I think I did alright.

I disagree. I don't think you did alright. I think if you chose to attend a kink event when you are not over her picking him to be her dom and not you? And you don't like not being the driver but don't take your own car? And seeing them as a couple makes you want to scream "FUCK YOU!" every time you saw them together there?

Why do that to yourself? Just don't go, you don't have to see the triggering things. Then you don't have to deal with new waves of anger.

You are choosing to expose yourself to more upset by going. Upset you can choose to skip by not attending these things. Not having more stimulus put on you when your plate is already full to bursting. I think you could have taken BETTER care of YOU and what you need and just stayed home.

Why run yourself ragged like this?

There were portions of the event he was not present for, and during that time I felt happy and fine. It was when he was there that I was furious. It didn't help that I was there by myself. It didn't help that I doubt I'll ever have the kind of love that they have. I go to bed by myself every night while they are living their cozy domestic life together; the cozy domestic life that was mine until he came along.

Not so. Before he came along? She was already checking out with her new job and dating other people when you were ill.

I think if you are going to let go of some of that anger? You have to stop telling yourself stories that make him be the "bad guy" like he "stole her away" or something. People cannot be stolen like that. If they want to leave they leave. If they want to stay, they stay.

5 years ago, I got chronically ill. Shortly after, we stopped having sex as often and she told me it was hard for her to feel attracted to me because of my illness.

That happens. It's hard to feel sexy when facing long illness.

She kept dating other people despite the fact that she didn't have enough energy to be a good partner to me. I resented this, and told her so. She said she needed the escape.

That's why I say she was already checking out. She was.

What is "good partner to you?" What behavior was she not doing or doing that you wanted to change?

If her relationship with you is something she needs to "escape" then it doesn't sound all that great. What kind of partner were you being to her at the time? It's a two way street.

2.5 - 3 years ago, she very suddenly got into an extremely serious relationship with the person she recently married. Within weeks she was in love and calling him "Daddy." It was immediately obvious that she valued him far above me. She gave him sexual things I had always wanted from her that she had denied me.

She is not obligated to share any kind of sex with you. Just like you are not obligated to share anything with her. Nobody "owes" anyone else sex. Why do you even know the sex details of what she does with other people?

If the kind of sex you wanted her to share with you is kink stuff where you want to be her dom? And she see's you struggling with rage and whatnot? And you don't deal in caring for yourself very well? Why would she sign up for you to care for her in that way? Or risk you getting carried away in your anger and doing her major harm when she's at your mercy? That can be off putting.

She gave him all the time and attention and love that I had been aching for. I went into a jealous rage, from which I have never fully emerged.

What's the break up story?

Did this jealous rage behavior hasten her breaking up with you?

Or was it that she neglected you so you moved out when you got well?

We are trying to be friends now.

Why?

If you actually hate her... why do you want to be friends with her? Is that a realistic expectation of yourself?

If you don't actually hate her... what is the healthiest shape that "friends" can take right now? Again... if you were in a coma or in the military and deployed? There would be a period of no contact/low contact. Are you not willing to let this friendship have some breather space that way? So you can have some time to heal from the break up and let go of the anger/rage you can become more willing and able to actually BE friends? You sound like you hang out a lot over there... maybe hang out LESS?

If you are FORCING it to be tight when it's not really time for that yet, neither one is fully healed yet? Rushing to be tight might ruin all chances of being friends at all. Have you considered that?

It is not esp friendly to want to be shouting "FUCK YOU!" at people. To get over that? You may have to let go of the want to be super tight right now. So you can have some time and space to let go of the anger and forgive. Not witness new stuff and get all cranked up and angry all over again. Get the pot off the burner so you can actually cool off. Not just boil and reboil over and over.

Or if she really did abandon/neglect you? And you hate her for that? Maybe it's ok that you hate her right now! And you take the time to cool off to neutral. Like you don't want her fall off a cliff any more. You wish her ok enough in life, but you don't want to be best friends hanging out. Because you develop a new personal boundary of "I forgive you for the stuff in the past. I'm no longer angry. But that doesn't mean I want to remain super close so I can get dinged AGAIN. I had enough of that. So basic polite if we bump into each other on the street, but no. No being best friends any more."

You are the one actually there. You are the one who knows what's going on.

I can't imagine us not being friends. That is not an acceptable outcome for me right now.

Then stop imagining that kind of stuff if it just cranks you up. You are in charge of what you choose to spend time thinking about.

Focus on the PRESENT.

In the present? It is reasonable for you to hang out less and stop talking to her so much. Temporarily go no contact/low contact so you can cool off and come off this rage thing. That doesn't mean the whole friendship is over. You could have gone on vacation for a month or something.

Why make this harder on yourself?

(cont)

 

[GalaGirl]

How do I stop being furious?

Only you can answer that and say what you need to become willing to let go of the furious.

If she did abandon and neglect you? And you are mad about that? Be ok being mad. And stop wanting to still be friends. Most people don't want to be friends with neglector/abandoners. If she's acting like she wants to sweep that poor behavior under the rug and you just "get happy" so you aren't raining on her parade? You have to accept she's not as nice a person as you think. And work to become ok letting her go because continued contact is not healthy for you.

If that is not what happened? But more like you were demanding or possessive and in the end she bailed because of that pressure? You may have to come to terms with maybe you doing some behaviors that weren't as nice as you thought. You may have to think about working to change some of your behaviors so you don't repeat the same mistakes with a future partner.

I want to be in her life in a positive way...

And what does that look like to you? Is this also healthy for both?

And how does she want to be in YOUR life? Because if it's not in a positive way... maybe it is healthier to let it go than limp along doing some wonky thing that just pisses you off some more.

...but my rage is burning inside of me and I can barely control it whenever I am reminded of how much more he means to her than I do.

I suggest you talk to a counselor. These are super strong feelings. You sound like you need some help processing them if you are barely in control of your own self/behavior.

I know part of it is that I believe that space in her life should be MINE, and I hate her for abandoning me because I got sick.

But was it just the illness? Or some of this possessive attitude/belief?

I hate her for allowing our connection to wither and die so that she could prioritize a job she doesn't even like and her relationship with him over us.

One minute you want her here, the next minute you hate her guts. It is also "unacceptable" to you not to be friends. You think parts of her life SHOULD belong to you and you are mad she's sharing those parts of her life with someone else. Like entitled or something. And you are mad she went off and made some choices of her own to suit herself rather than to suit you. Her job, her dating other people, her choice of dom.

What was your connection with her like before the break up? Was it meeting her needs? Or were you very ill and still asking her for sex stuff she just didn't want to do? If I was being asked to share sex acts I didn't want to do? I wouldn't be keen on that or excited about spending more time on that relationship. Esp if you were pushing to be her dom and she just didn't want to do that with you.

If I broke up and then I had some ex-partner still behaving poorly like this when I tried to be friends and include him in my important things? All possessive? RAGE and unable or barely able to control themselves? That can get scary. I wouldn't be eager to hang around with them.

Kinda not surprised to hear she uninvited you from the wedding if this is how you are/were behaving toward her. She may not have wanted to deal in that on her wedding day. What bride does?

If you are able... step back and reflect.

If she took a job she did not esp. love just to have any job, to make her own money and/or get out of the house more and escape her home life with you? What was that home life like for her back then? Like even before you were sick -- what was it like?

Were you behaving like a good partner to her? And her you? Maybe you just bring out bad things in each other?

Maybe the healthiest thing IS to be broken up and be exes? And see if friends works better in TIME... not expect instant friends?

Any advice would be appreciated.

I suggest you see a counselor to help you with the grief/anger with all 3 things: the long illness, her selecting a different dom than you and feeling disappointed, and the break up. That anger seems to be a really heavy burden right now. Esp if the old therapist did not pan out. Were they able to help you with the trauma, fear of abandonment and hypervigilence at all?

To help yourself while seeking a good fit counselor? Stop going to her events for now. Hang out there less. Say "Thank you. I appreciate the invitation. I'm still processing some break up stuff though, so I have to regretfully RSVP no. Let's not rush being good exes and friends. Take a little break and try again in a month."

Because it is not realistic for you to go to them RIGHT NOW when you have to attend to your own care first and get healthy again. If going to her events dings your mental health and emotional health? Why do that to yourself?

And maybe a better fitting counselor can also help you see that relationship are not possessive. If you keep thinking a partner "owes you" stuff, that things in their life just SHOULD be YOURS... I am not sure how that is going to help you with future kink or poly relationships. If you don't address it, all these same problems with anger, jealousy, rage, possessiveness -- might just crop again with a new partner.

I don't think you want that.

One of the things that actually really really pisses me off is that I'd make a better Daddy to her than he ever will. I know this for a fact. And yet she chose him and not me.

If that is the main crux of this? You wanted to be her dom and she did not choose you? You have to accept that it is her free choice. She is free to choose well. She is free to choose poorly. The point is that SHE is the one who chooses her path for herself.

I know exactly where I stand vis-a-vis him, both in my mind and in hers. And her abject failure to appreciate what I have to offer is one of the things that makes me the most angry.

If that's the bottom line for you with her? You think she doesn't appreciate you and what you have to offer? Why are you still hanging around then? It's been years already. If participating here keeps on hurting you?

STOP trying to be her friend and just be plain exes then. No friends.

Get your pot off the burner that way. So the anger can dissipate.

And, if I think about it, I think you're also right that I'm angry with myself for continuing to put up with her shit.

If some of the anger is with your own self because you keep on putting up with junk? Stop putting up with it! Choose to walk away. Become willing to let the friendship go so you can be free of all this.

But if you are still hanging around doing "You picked him to be your dom and you should have picked meeeeee! Grrrrr!" stuff? That's not dignified behavior for you. And it is also not letting you progress. It's been a while now. Maybe it is ok to let go and move on?

Galagirl

 

[Arius]

I'm extremely tired and will read and respond to Gala's comments in the morning.

In the meantime, I've been thinking about the Taking Some Space thing. What I decided after the hook suspension was that I won't go to any more of her big life events or events with the two of them until my anger has been resolved. I think that's sufficient. It's basically giving space to the parts of our relationship that are triggering my anger, without walking away completely.

I'm not confident that space is the only thing I need to work through the anger though.

I'm here having this conversation because I want to work through and resolve that anger.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think that is a good place to start. Stop attending her events so you can take some space to cool off. It might not solve all the things, but lowering the heat on your anger a little might help so you can make a better long term plan for yourself.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

I'm angry with myself for continuing to put up with her shit.

What shit? She has chosen a new man and is crystal clear about it. This isn't a poly situation, this is a getting dumped situation. That you're still in the picture is your choice, she's not doing anything underhanded to force you to stick around. Seems to me that she's been pretty upfront with you all along. So what if she doesn't appreciate you the way that you appreciate her? Welcome to breaking up - happens to everyone. You've been blaming her for your choice to be competitive, to take a less-than stance, to feel minimized. You are the only person who can minimize you and you're doing a darn good job of it - over and over again. She told you why she broke up with you and she has been forthright about wanting someone else. That's not "shit," that's honesty. You're really not as much of a rare hot house flower as you think you are. We've all been the dumpee.

Why are you still subjecting yourself to hanging around her and why are you doggedly clinging to your crappy self-perceptions? You have every ability to change your life for the better, yet you're handing her your emotional leash again and again. What's up with that?

I'm not confident that space is the only thing I need to work through the anger though.I'm here having this conversation because I want to work through and resolve that anger.

Indeed, separation doesn't solve everything. Space gives you the privacy you need to grieve and to find more self-respect. You can start by honoring your anger instead of minimizing it like you minimize much of yourself. Anger is valuable information from our inner guidance and when someone has persistent anger it's always because that person is not respecting it and listening to it. That person is fighting with it and minimizing what the anger is trying to communicate. Stop blaming your ex for all of your misery and start respecting what is important to you. Start valuing yourself more by valuing your emotions more.

 

[Magdlyn]

I recently wrote to another member in a similar situation. She has abandonment issues just like you.

This can lead to clinging to unsuitable people, and wallowing in how wronged you feel, for ages, for years, for decades. She was clinging to bitterness about a divorce from 7 years ago, as well as a more recent breakup of V relationship of 2 years ago, constantly going over and over the details of how mistreated she was, unable to move on.

You are getting a twisted endorphin reward from perceiving yourself as the wronged party. So you keep going there, and keep seething with rage.

It's time to stop blaming others for your unhappiness. This only brings more pain. Healing starts from within. Take personal responsibility for your own happiness, instead of expecting validation from others, that damn ex gf, that "fucking other guy." They are married. She has moved on. You've been friend zoned long ago. Why can you not see this?

If you value yourself more, first, you will then find friends and lovers who are respectful and worthy of your time.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Arius,

It sounds like what you need is for her to realize that you have more to offer than this other guy has. I mean, she has been making the mistake of choosing him instead of you for a long time now. And the worst thing is, every time she chooses him, every time she kisses him, or rushes into his arms, or looks to him for reassurance, it's like she's insinuating that he's better than you. That's got to sting. But how can you prove that you're worth her while, if she won't even let you try? Every time she snuggles up to him, she robs you of that opportunity. So of course you are going to be angry. You know that this situation is unfair. She is oblivious to that fact.

Maybe that's the reason why you keep hanging out with her, is you are (subconsciously?) hoping she'll get that wake-up call, and then she'll take you back and things can go back to how they used to be. I mean, can she really keep making this mistake forever? Sooner or later she has to realize she's been wrong all this time. I don't mean to patronize, I'm just trying to dig into your thought process to see what's at the root of it. I mean, would it be fair to say, that on some level, you would like her to take you back, that you still love her that much, even if she doesn't love you? and the only way that could happen, at this point, is if she realized she is making a mistake.

If I, a stranger on the internet, can see that you are the one with more to offer, how can she (repeatedly) not see it? That circumstance blows my mind. But, I suppose if she's resisted the truth this long, she will continue to resist it. You and she had a wonderful life together at one time; she threw it all away only because you got sick. That was not your fault. So now she has you in a position where you are begging for the scraps that fall from her table. I can't imagine you doing that unless on some level, you were hoping you could change her mind. You just need one chance to show her, that you are the one for her. You just need it to be a fair contest. Right now, the game is rigged.

With sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Kevin, it sounds like she and Arius are broken up. This is a former partner. Sounds like Arius is having trouble accepting/adjusting to that. Suffers from rage/anger problems. She's moved on, Arius hasn't yet.

It's not "unfair" for her to enjoy her spouse. She is a newlywed. Is she not supposed to kiss/hug her new spouse because her ex isn't good with that?

If witnessing that sort of newlywed PDA lalala bugs Arius? Could stop going over so much. Take a break from socializing with these people, esp if the break up still smarts, and Arius doesn't want to watch googly eyes and lalala stuff while still healing from the break up.

I can't imagine you doing that unless on some level, you were hoping you could change her mind. You just need one chance to show her, that you are the one for her. You just need it to be a fair contest. Right now, the game is rigged.

WHAT is rigged? If they are broken up? And she doesn't want to share sex with him, or share romance or any of that? She's moved on. That's what breaking up is.

She sounds like she's willing to try being exes and friends, but not if Arius is going to be all moody and rage-y. Who wants to deal in rage-y exes?

If Arius has not taken enough of a time out to heal from the break up? Keeps hanging around going to her events while secretly hoping a recently married woman will dump her hubby and go back to her ex (Arius)? That's just not a realistic expectation to have.

The one keeping Arius "hanging around hoping for scraps" is not her -- it's Arius. I don't see that as "rigged." I see it as "not ready/does not want to accept it is over." So the hanging around behavior leads to feeling new upsets. Don't want to be upset some more? Could stop hanging around witnessing new triggery things. Could take a time out to really HEAL first. Then try to be friends with her.

Or say she IS being a bitch like that. Somehow dumping Arius but continuing to use him. Answer is still the same. If Arius keeps putting up with her poor behavior and ends up feeling mad? Arius can choose to stop hanging around with her if her company is no longer enjoyable. Could stop hanging around witnessing new triggery things. Could take a time out to really HEAL first. And NOT bother to be friends with her.

Anger is a step in the grief process. If this break up grief is compounded by other griefs -- like the illness grief, disappointments -- there's only so much internet people can do. A counselor might be better "in real life" support. That load of anger is more than enough -- no need to go piling on extra loads of anger by hanging out with them right now.

I'm sorry you struggle, Arius. I do hope you think about taking a time out and not hanging out with them right now so you can try to cool off some and make a plan for your self care.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Good points, GalaGirl. If nothing can turn back the hands of time, then all that's left is to figure out how to adjust to the present.

Unless ... or maybe she is poly, and could therefore theoretically have both a husband and a boyfriend? My partner has that, and considers both of us guys to be her primary partners. The three of us all live in the same house.

Just thinking out loud.

 

[GalaGirl]

Even poly people break up though.

Just because two people want to do poly, doesn't automatically mean they are compatible for doing poly with each other. They might practice poly in different ways and not be a good match.

Since just seeing them together inspires rage? I do not think living together with them would be good in this situation.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

That makes sense.

 

[Vicki82]

I'm glad you are trying to work on your anger issues, because just reading your post made me feel a little afraid. The entitlement and rage seems to be the kind of issue that crops up when someone hurts a partner or ex partner. You might want to think about that.

She could be the biggest jerk in the world (although I don't think she is), but she doesn't owe you ANYTHING. Nothing at all. It is okay for her to be excited about new partners. It's okay for her to break up with you. It's okay for her to make her own choices about her own life. It's okay for YOU to be grieving that, but she doesn't owe you anything.

A lot of the types of feelings you described, with the comparisons and whatnot, sound like you might need professional help to resolve. I would consider seeing a counselor ASAP.

I agree with GalaGirl that you should give yourself some space and focus on self care. It's okay to grieve a breakup, but if you're going to carry this much intensity afterwards, that isn't healthy for you or for anyone. You need to work on yourself and heal, and move on.

 

[vinsanity0]

Sorry this thing is not working out for you. I agree with most of what has been written here. I see that rage as a mechanism to avoid facing yourself. In order to release yourself from it you need to admit to yourself your part in the breakup. Although I'm not a big fan of therapy, I think it might be helpful to have someone to talk to that can bring this out.