gaiasrevenge
New member
Hello, all. I first joined this board a little over a year ago. I didn't post much, but read around as I began to accept that a poly setup was what I really wanted in my life.
I'll try to make this as short as I can, but I can't promise anything.
Early last year, I discussed with my husband (who I'll call Jared henceforth) of 6 years (together 12, now 7 and 13 respectively) the desire I had to open our marriage. We talked, a lot, and decided to go for it. Both signed up on various dating sites.
April 2012 - I start chatting with Aidan. We get on very well.
May 2012 - Aiden and I meet up in person, click, begin a sexual "friends with benefits" deal. He tells me about FetLife (how had I never heard of that before I don't know!!) and his Dom tendancies. Jared and I have dabbled in BDSM since year dot, so these things aren't an issue for me whatsoever.
June 2012 - Aiden is saying he loves me, wants to collar me and proclaim I am his submissive. I'm concerned this is a little fast, and I say so. We agree that we are now more than friends, "proper boyfriend and girlfriend," he says, but the D/s needs more time, we are both happy with a Top/bottom arrangement.
September 2012 - Jared is getting closer to a girl he is at college with (Janie) and is doing really well being friends with Aiden. They're watching the WWE together and all sorts of things.
October/November 2012 - Jared gets together with Janie. All four of us get on and things are pretty good. I tell Aiden I'm starting to feel happy about a deeper D/s dynamic, but he says, "Can we leave it as it is?" I'm all kinds of OK with that!!
January 2013 - I am sensing an issue with the D/s dynamic at this point. We discuss it, after a lot of pushing from me and protests of, "Do we have to talk about serious stuff?" from Aiden. He says he isn't feeling too Domly anymore and prefers the BF/GF stuff we do (watching movies, going to the pub, vanilla sex, etc.) to the kink. We tone down the D/s.
Jared and Janie are doing well, BTW, talking about long-term things and such.
A good few months!
April 2013 - Janie has been very cool towards Jared. He asks outright if she still wants to date him or not, after a lot of evasion. she says no.
Cusp of April/May 2013 - Aiden is supposed to be coming to see me one weekend. He keeps moaning about being tired and basically acting like he's not too interested. I (like Jared did with Janie) ask outright if he's still bothered about our relationship, because he seems to have been cooling off for some time.
Next thing I see, Aiden has posted a flouncy note on FetLife, saying he's taking a "time out." The following day he comes to see me (when he was originally to stay the night previous) and says, "I'm just not sure if poly and BDSM are for me anymore."
Soooooo... here's my real beef:
How can poly be "perfect for my situation," as Aiden claimed (he is in debt and can't live independently at the moment, so a relationship with little to no financial commitments seemed good for him) one week, then suddenly not be what he wants?
How come when I've tried to talk to him about what he'd like for our relationship has he avoided the issue? We could have talked about all this. I've made it clear to him I believe relationships can be renegotiated as much as they need to be.
Aiden says he wants to be friends, but I have no real idea what that means. He says he needs time to "decide what he wants." He hasn't actually said he doesn't want a relationship with me anymore, or if he wants a temporary break, or what. He's just asked for "time" because "things are fragile" and he "doesn't want to bugger things up totally" when I've asked for clarity.
I suspect he was just too damn horny to begin with to really think through the reality of the situation. He claimed to have been in a poly relationship before (which is why I figured he'd be a good pick for my first) but it turns out he had an online "relationship" with a woman in the States (we're in the UK) who also had a BF in the US (and unceremoniously texted Aiden to tell him she was moving in with said BF, so couldn't do their online thing anymore, kthanxbye), so it's hardly the experience I feel he claimed.
I'm not sure if I can continue being friends with him, since he won't qualify exactly what the issues are. However, we had a good connection, and I don't want to just tell him to fuck off if he's just having a weird brainstorm he'll regret in a month. Any advice/thoughts?
I'll try to make this as short as I can, but I can't promise anything.
Early last year, I discussed with my husband (who I'll call Jared henceforth) of 6 years (together 12, now 7 and 13 respectively) the desire I had to open our marriage. We talked, a lot, and decided to go for it. Both signed up on various dating sites.
April 2012 - I start chatting with Aidan. We get on very well.
May 2012 - Aiden and I meet up in person, click, begin a sexual "friends with benefits" deal. He tells me about FetLife (how had I never heard of that before I don't know!!) and his Dom tendancies. Jared and I have dabbled in BDSM since year dot, so these things aren't an issue for me whatsoever.
June 2012 - Aiden is saying he loves me, wants to collar me and proclaim I am his submissive. I'm concerned this is a little fast, and I say so. We agree that we are now more than friends, "proper boyfriend and girlfriend," he says, but the D/s needs more time, we are both happy with a Top/bottom arrangement.
September 2012 - Jared is getting closer to a girl he is at college with (Janie) and is doing really well being friends with Aiden. They're watching the WWE together and all sorts of things.
October/November 2012 - Jared gets together with Janie. All four of us get on and things are pretty good. I tell Aiden I'm starting to feel happy about a deeper D/s dynamic, but he says, "Can we leave it as it is?" I'm all kinds of OK with that!!
January 2013 - I am sensing an issue with the D/s dynamic at this point. We discuss it, after a lot of pushing from me and protests of, "Do we have to talk about serious stuff?" from Aiden. He says he isn't feeling too Domly anymore and prefers the BF/GF stuff we do (watching movies, going to the pub, vanilla sex, etc.) to the kink. We tone down the D/s.
Jared and Janie are doing well, BTW, talking about long-term things and such.
A good few months!
April 2013 - Janie has been very cool towards Jared. He asks outright if she still wants to date him or not, after a lot of evasion. she says no.
Cusp of April/May 2013 - Aiden is supposed to be coming to see me one weekend. He keeps moaning about being tired and basically acting like he's not too interested. I (like Jared did with Janie) ask outright if he's still bothered about our relationship, because he seems to have been cooling off for some time.
Next thing I see, Aiden has posted a flouncy note on FetLife, saying he's taking a "time out." The following day he comes to see me (when he was originally to stay the night previous) and says, "I'm just not sure if poly and BDSM are for me anymore."
Soooooo... here's my real beef:
How can poly be "perfect for my situation," as Aiden claimed (he is in debt and can't live independently at the moment, so a relationship with little to no financial commitments seemed good for him) one week, then suddenly not be what he wants?
How come when I've tried to talk to him about what he'd like for our relationship has he avoided the issue? We could have talked about all this. I've made it clear to him I believe relationships can be renegotiated as much as they need to be.
Aiden says he wants to be friends, but I have no real idea what that means. He says he needs time to "decide what he wants." He hasn't actually said he doesn't want a relationship with me anymore, or if he wants a temporary break, or what. He's just asked for "time" because "things are fragile" and he "doesn't want to bugger things up totally" when I've asked for clarity.
I suspect he was just too damn horny to begin with to really think through the reality of the situation. He claimed to have been in a poly relationship before (which is why I figured he'd be a good pick for my first) but it turns out he had an online "relationship" with a woman in the States (we're in the UK) who also had a BF in the US (and unceremoniously texted Aiden to tell him she was moving in with said BF, so couldn't do their online thing anymore, kthanxbye), so it's hardly the experience I feel he claimed.
I'm not sure if I can continue being friends with him, since he won't qualify exactly what the issues are. However, we had a good connection, and I don't want to just tell him to fuck off if he's just having a weird brainstorm he'll regret in a month. Any advice/thoughts?
