Friends or Lovers?

M

mreid5421

New member
So I am totally new to the poly world in all aspects. I have not dated for years or been involved with men period. I recently started seeing someone under the FWB tab which seemed to be working out I would go up to his place every other weekend. For about a month and a half this was fine then out of nowhere it shifted where we were spending every weekend together, then overnights at least once a week and this last weekend we went camping for three days together. There has been vague mention of a relationship but he seems to be hesitant as his last ones ended badly. He has things like I should just get you a key so that if I am home you can just come over and I am only busy like two days out of the whole week if you want to hang out on the other days.


Where is this leading you ask......well he has a best friend that is married that he openly told me he is in love with but due to her marriage cannot act on the feelings. That was not really a big deal to me until I started noticing if his friend is busy then he is free for me to come over and some days that he is posting on social media bored and lonely I am actually there or was there that day. To me, it seems like he is saving himself for her in a sense as last time we talked he told me that they had decided he would meet her needs that her husband does not meet. I bluntly asked are you in a poly relationship with your best friend....the answer no. I am just so confused and really starting to feel like a back plan but on the same note thought we might be headed to some kind of relationship. We hang out, go shopping, cook, talk about things it is far from just sex although, in the beginning, it was only sex we never left the house. I have hinted at that as well and he simply said some people are compatible for sex only but not for relationship....never said where I stood on that line. I guess I should also say not jealous but feel like if I am second then he should let em know that so I know where I stand so to speak.

So I am asking my elders that have maybe been through this or just know more than me is he playing games, unsure of his own feelings, second choice or simply keeping others distant in the hopes of being with his best friend?
 
I am brand new to poly also, but not brand new to people and relationships so I'm gonna take a stab at this.
You sound like you are already in "some kind of relationship" you just haven't labeled it. That's scary and exciting. I encourage you to be present in the moments when you are cooking, shopping and having sex. Don't worry that what you are experiencing in those moments isn't "real". Enjoy yourself.
You definitely should see where you stand with him if that would make you feel more secure with him. His answer could build trust between you and ultimately bond you. Be prepared it might not be what you want to hear, but honor his honesty and his willingness to let you be in control of your own response. If you decide you can't do just sex then say so, then allow him his freedom to respond. That sounds very mature and a little cold and in real life that's all probably gonna go down with a lot of anxiety, nerves and maybe some sadness and hurt. It could also go really well. No matter which way it goes though you will both be better off.
Why do you need to know if you are second? If I was going to answer my own question I would say I need to know I'm second so that I know how to proceed, what kind of time I should invest in this partner, how much I should guard my heart from possible heartache. I encourage you to delve into why you need to know. From what I've read about poly that self investigation is key.

Is he playing games? Maybes, maybe not. I wonder how much of that assumption is made because of what society tells us about men and how much is because of past personal experience, and how much is because of how he treats you when you are together?

Is he unsure of his feelings? Probably. I mean who isn't?
Second choice? well, that's not how poly works in my understanding but someone else is definitely more qualified to answer that
"simply keeping others distant"? that doesn't sound simple at all, that sounds very complicated and if he has real feelings for this friend it's probably complicated for him, risky and scary even maybe

All in all, investigate your own motivations and get honest with him.
Probably have someone with more experience advise you too! Hope I helped.
 
Hi mreid5421,

I am thinking that your FWB is kind of using you as a substitute for the relationship he really wants, the one with the married friend. He's readily available now, but that might change if his married friend ever became available to him. I'd say you could keep seeing him if you want, but do so cautiously.

Anyway that's my perspective.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You can create the clarity you need yourself. You cannot be a mind reader. So don't guess. ASK the questions you want to be asking.

If the FWB thing has run its course for you and you don't want to be doing that any more? And you want to know where this is going? Ask him if he's up for more with you or not. If yes, great. If not, move on.

Right now? If he's not really being present when you are there? And you are feeling like he's just "filling time" with you or like you are his "back up plan" person if the one he really wants is not available... stop being there then. If all he can give is scraps and that doesn't cut it for you?

You don't have to participate like that. Your willingness to participate in things belongs to you. Move on.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi,

I think Kevin said what I wanted to say, and did so much more succinctly than I ever could.

Essentially, you see him (relationship wise) in a different light to how he sees you. You're hurt because you suspect he is having some kind of interaction with another woman that you don't know about but wish to know. Kind of like a semi-affair, but not quite.

Firstly, he has to be honest with you and if he's not, then I personally would not continue a relationship with someone I couldn't trust. After his honesty, like Kevin says, you have a choice where you can pursue the relationship with him, knowing what it means to him and to you, but I wouldn't get my hopes up about riding the relationship escalator to the top with him.

Just my thoughts. Wishing you the best of luck,
Shaya.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top