Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love


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Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I cried a lot, which in retrospect was probably a good thing. Bottling up emotions is never a positive. PunkRock got home later than expected, but he held me and took me to dinner at Cracker Barrel for comfort food. He told me he didn’t know that the death of my friend’s mom was so impactful, and if he had known, he never would have left. He told me I should have requested him to stay home, because he would have done it in an instant. We were at cross-communication again. :( We had a long talk and hopefully things will continue in a good direction.

Apparently HippieChick has decided she does want both a physical and emotional relationship with PunkRock. I am torn about this, because she has yet to get her testing done and is saying that it isn’t a priority because she doesn’t have the time or money. I have told PunkRock that this is such a huge red flag for me. She had a lot to say about my sexual exploits and wanted him to test right away - which he did and came up clear - but yet she won’t do the same? Also, the Dom she visited on Valentine’s Day she did have sex with, even though she had said it wasn’t going to happen and wouldn’t. I have no idea why this isn’t a dealbreaker for him, and it worries me a great deal. I am still debating on whether he or I are going to switch to condoms. It breaks my heart, but I am not willing to give her the benefit of the doubt at this moment. It just seems shifty to me. Like, testing is what you do when you start a new relationship, and have the potential to effect an entire polycule. What I have to decide though - is can I trust the report that she used condoms with the Dom, and that she hasn’t had any unsafe practices before this encounter? I don’t know her well enough to say. I don’t trust PunkRock’s NRE. He said he is going to use condoms though, so I should be able to trust that, right? It’s scary to me. I feel like I can’t trust either of them, which is heartbreaking. Right now I can’t trust him to stick to the calendar, come home on time or hold her to basic testing requirements. Like, why is all this so easy for him to wave a hand at? If I were dating someone new, he would definitely be calling me out on these.

DarkKnight’s mom is still in the hospital. She’s having testing done still. They haven’t been able to tell where the bleeding inside is coming from. They took her off her blood thinners because she has super low blood pressure due to the blood loss. However, she has a massive clot - which is why she is on the thinners! So it isn’t safe for her to be off of those for very long. DarkKnight came home last night and just cried his eyes out. He is missing his dad and is so very worried about his mom. I felt so drained and unhelpful. I had nothing to give him emotionally, and I felt like the worst partner imaginable. I just held him and hugged him and rocked him. I don’t think it helped.

There is too much going on right now. I am just overwhelmed emotionally and I feel so alone. I am going to go play D&D today just to give my mind something to focus on outside of the house. Saying that - fuck. I need to leave in a half hour and I haven’t showered yet!


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Bluebird, I am sorry for your loss and all the stress.


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Holding him, loving him, and just being there for DarkKnight was what a loving partner does, BB. To be honest, I think that's the best thing we can do as partners. It's been a really rough time for you and your family. I hope things lessen up. I am so sorry.


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Thanks you guys. Today has been good overall.

After I posted this morning, I spoke to DarkKnight and he was really not happy with the fact that testing was off the table. He told me he wanted condoms with me, if I wasn’t using condoms with PunkRock. Holy shit, so not okay. So we dialogued a bit and I was really upset and sad and depressed. I agreed that this situation needed a resolution, but that whatever happened, I was not going to be using condoms with him. That just was unbelievably unfair, especially since he was already effectively grounded from taking trips now because of PunkRock. I promised I would keep him safe sexually years ago and it wasn’t okay to suddenly change things up, though the status quo has always been moving. It wasn’t okay to put him at risk but also not okay to expect him to have to change something so fundamental because of a relationship not directly connected to us.

So I messaged PunkRock and told him he and I were going to have to start using condoms if HippieChick wasn’t going to get tested before they had sex. I told him having to lay this boundary down both distressed me and made me anxious, but DarkKnight’s stress about it wasn’t okay. And I was actually getting more upset the more I thought about it, because it felt selfish on PunkRock’s part again. He told me he wanted to talk to me about it tonight and that was the extent of it.

I went off to D&D and had an amazing time. I am enjoying the scenario, and my character! It was a REALLY good distraction and I felt like my bucket got filled a little. Yay! Afterward I hung out for like an hour, taking to the DM. He’s been friends with DarkKnight, PunkRock and I for like...I don’t even know. I think I knew him before PunkRock and I started dating - so maybe 7 years? Definitely 6 though. He asked me about my relationships and we talked about his as well. He and his wife are open, but they operate differently than we do. He travels a lot with his job, so he has hookups in different areas. He’s bi and he doesn’t bring anything home with him, relationship-wise. This is kinda fascinating to me.

Anyway, we were talking about testing because it was obviously at the forefront of my mind. He was floored when I was telling him about PunkRock and what was happening. He said never in a million years would he believe PunkRock would date someone who didn’t see testing as a priority - and he couldn’t believe that we would have double standards with me dating and PunkRock dating. Like in the past we had different ways of doing things, but it’s been solidly established that testing is paramount. So yeah, we talked a lot. He made me even more worried about things, honestly. Which wasn’t good.

When I left to go home, DarkKnight called me to talk again, and to tell me that his mom slipped into unresponsiveness today at the hospital. They pulled her out of it eventually, but they have ZERO idea as to why this happened. She intubated now, and more testing awaits. We decided to go back to Chambersburg today but then because it was so late went to dinner instead. He is going to go up after work tomorrow. He was thinking tonight she was still drugged up pretty high and with the tube in - yeah. Tomorrow might be better. He is a wreck though. I lost a lot of my positive feelings by talking with him - he needed a lot of propping up. I was really glad I had been able to play D&D and get recharged, so I could give that bump to him. I love him so much, and he’s struggling a LOT right now.

We picked up some Taco Bell for PunkRock tonight and while he was eating I had to take care of some bathroom business, and HippieChick started messaging me. She was unhappy, because for some insane reason, PunkRock thought it would be great if she read my journal.

Holy fucking shit. What? Yeah, you read that right. My husband thought it would be just peachy if his new girlfriend read all of my internal emotional struggles and descriptions of us having sex. Like, I don’t know what the hell this man is thinking sometimes. So yeah, she was unhappy AF.


So I answered all of her questions but I don’t really think our relationship will be improved by this.

I went out to talk to PunkRock near the end of the conversation, because he was texting me asking to please come talk to him - he wanted to let me know that HippieChick would be texting me. I am seriously shaking my head here. Anyway, they worked it out that she would test near the end of March, and hold off on sex before then. So that issue was dealt with. He also said he screwed up again somehow because things had gotten garbled - at no time did HippieChick ask him to go get tested, or about my testing schedule or my previous partners. This really had me confused because it was perfectly clear in my head that this was indeed a thing, because it was something I was upset about - like it was important for him to get tested because of me, but her previous partners and testing weren’t a concern. It was like, one of my main stressors.

I am not at all sure why he keeps twisting up points like this. It’s causing harm.

Anyway, I admonished the fuck out of him for thinking directing HippieChick here was a good idea. He said he hadn’t read my journal in years - so I am not at all sure why he thought recommending something he hasn’t been following would be great. Ugh ugh ugh.

Anyway, yeah, that happened. I feel pretty fucking cringy, not gonna lie. However, she did clear up some stuff and it seems that PunkRock has messed up some communication again and it’s frustrating. I’m still processing that this happened. She has reason to be upset, and we are both unhappy about it.

I apologized to PunkRock, but only that I was sorry that I don’t mince words on my feelings in my journal. I drop it like I see it and it’s unfortunately really raw. It’s where I work shit out and then take action after. He told me not to change a thing, and that he was sorry that he didn’t think it through.

He also told me that he was going to offer to work extra overtime to cover my therapy sessions - he was distressed at how low I have been recently and around December when he relapsed. I told him I should be able to cover it myself in a couple of months. We will talk about it at our State of the Union meeting soon. Therapy for everyone is something that is already on the list.
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for some insane reason, PunkRock thought it would be great if she read my journal.

Jaw drop.

PunkRock miscommunicating is quite a theme lately, huh. Do you think he is so scared of confrontation sometimes that he lies? Or is it really a mistake each time? At some point I'd get suspicious if this kept happening with a partner.

I'm really sorry about your best friend's mum dying. Virtual hugs


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And the world's worst hinge award goes to...


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Bluebird you are such a saint.. So is DarkKnight.

There is no way I would put up with PunkRock's shenanigans or being such a sloppy hinge.


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Do you all practice a lot of active listening when you communicate? Repeating back "ok, what I'm hearing you say is ......" and that sort of thing? If not, might be worthwhile to start doing more of that. And if you have a lot of convos to work through stuff in person, following it up by writing out a recap in text form so that you each have notes in a chat to refer back to for reference if a convo isn't being recalled correctly?

Ideally these things don't have to be permanent, but during times of turmoil it might help.

I gotta say that I'm not really all that surprised at the bumpy communication and struggles with the dating stuff, because the reality is that while you've been poly and actively practicing for years, neither of your guys really have. So the experience bar there is really low, which means a rough learning curve. Most people don't manage to gain that initial experience without making a bunch of mistakes.

Not say that it's ok, or that it's not painful. Just that it's pretty common in my experience. That really sucks that it's all sort of piling on with so many different stressors at once though.


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PunkRock’s communication issues are a lifelong problem. All of his family members have remarked on it to me at one time or another. He and I have discussed the topic way before he started dating HippieChick, and though everyone says he is more outgoing and talkative with me than he is otherwise, it’s still an issue. I don’t believe he is trying to be malicious in any way at all. This isn’t gaslighting - it’s just...PunkRock.

I agree with you, BreatheMusic. A lot of the bumpiness comes with inexperience. I am willing to work through that, because I believe it’s worthwhile. Whether or not PunkRock pulls through this with HippieChick, he will definitely date again in the future. It’s going to work at some point, you know? It was certainly a learning curve for me in the past, and now having a primary who is dating is a new thing as well.

And yes, it sucks ass that it is happening right now. I can’t stress that enough. His poor timing is what could end us. There was too much chaos in our lives before him dating. Now he’s googoo and our situation now has an added layer of issues. I don’t have any more emotional output available to improve the situation. I’m just tired. I have to pull it out of somewhere though, and the thought is exhausting. This is his relationship, and he needs to be a good hinge! We are having problems because he isn’t!

I refuse to change the way I post here. I don’t have a therapist right now, so this is my dumping ground. I need a space to record and figure things out. It’s not okay that PunkRock made it feel unsafe, but it’s not like I have any way of fixing it. I’ve posted here for like, ever and I need this space to continue staying sane.

There is more to say but I have to take AntMan to work.


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DarkKnight spent all evening at the hospital with his mom. She was feeling better, but her blood pressure still hasn’t stabilized. She was eating jello, so yay? He was told that if they could get her blood pressure in the normal range instead of being scary-low, she could actually go home in a couple of days. He is off of work in about a half hour, so I am awaiting an update right now.

PunkRock is a mess at the moment. He broke things off with HippieChick. He messaged me yesterday from work and said he was coming home because he couldn’t focus. She had posted on Facebook, some teenage girl meme about how some people in your life are just toxic. (Very clear this was about me and this journal, for sure.) He said he was tired of being unhappy, having her be unhappy with him, and me being unhappy as well. He said it wasn’t fair to anyone, and he and I need to get back to baseline before he dates anyone at all.

...which is kinda what I have been saying all along. Sigh. So anyway, he came home, cried, and asked for cuddling. In the evening, he went over to her place and ended it. Then he came home, cried some more and then we had some really intense love-focused sex. I was surprised by that, but I guess he needed it. I woke up this morning with a dick pressed up hard against me, and we had some wrestling and struggle snuggles, and that was fun too. But he really is down and dejected. Which is to be expected. I am being present, and there for him in any way he needs - physically, sexually, mentally, whatever. He took the day off of work as a vacation day, so he won’t have to return there until Sunday because of the way his schedule is, so that should give him a mourning period.

He told me this was a weird breakup, because it’s the first time he has had a partner there to help him through it - he is used to going through the process alone. He has been open about asking for hugs, pressure and words of affirmation. But he’s been good about asking for space as well - he wanted to sleep this afternoon, so I am focusing on Box stuff while that goes on. Tonight is our regularly-scheduled sleepover night, and we already planned to spend the day in bed tomorrow, marathoning Altered Carbon episodes, so we can have that all rewatched before starting the new season that drops on Thursday. I think that should be low key and good for him.

When DarkKnight gets home from work shortly, I am going to go out and get some fastnachts for all of us. The line will probably be up the alley, but today is the only day to get them! It’s a tradition in our city to go stand outside Krumpe’s Do-Nut Shop to score some for Mardi Gras. I know pastries help me - I tend to always eat my emotions - and I think they may help too.

This isn’t over - it’s clear PunkRock has a poly heart, he just needs to improve his hinge skills. He says he wants to continue reading More Than Two together, and he is really going to focus on his sobriety now. Not gonna lie - I am TERRIFIED of what this breakup may mean for his recovery - but he seems determined. Keeping my fingers crossed. I love this man so completely and fully.


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Okay, so he lied. He is leaving me for her. He left tonight out of nowhere and then returned to say he is moving out by April 1st. That he hasn’t been happy in a year, doesn’t want to work on us at all and he just wants to be with her.

I am absolutely numb inside.


Oh Bluebird, I'm so sorry. That's one hell of a 180.


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What? :eek:

You've got lots of love coming your way from all of us here. This is truly shocking news and I hope that you feel the support of this place.
I can’t even process these words. I’m sorry you’re hurting.


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I am so so sorry, Bluebird. Punkrock sounds very out of control. Prayers for healing and peace and some relief for you and your family. ((Hugs))


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What the absolute fuck?! He sounds absolutely determined to self-destruct.

Big hugs, BlueBird... I'm so sorry you're going through all this right now. <3


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There’s no going backward for me - I always, always look forward. He has made this choice, and it will be his. I love him more than the air in my lungs - I always have. I cannot fathom this, but I must.

I am a planner, so I spent most of the night making lists in between crying the hardest I have ever cried in my life. There’s a lot to do today as I uncouple our connections. DarkKnight and I are going to the bank first thing and opening a new account, and we need to start directing all of our autopays into there. We won’t be able to close the shared bill account until mid-May, to make sure all of them go where they are supposed to, moving forward. Right now PunkRock could empty our shared account, and that’s scary because our mortgage is scheduled to come out this week still. He told me he won’t touch it. I don’t see him doing anything like that, but I also didn’t see him throwing away 6 years with no warning either. He told me last night he will make his scheduled deposits for March, until he moves out April 1.

DarkKnight wants to do something for our relationship, so we will be heading out of town after paperwork is handled, to pick up the art projects we did in Rockville for Valentine’s Day. He took a vacation day to be with me. He thinks PunkRock has totally lost his mind, and he is determined to help me keep as calm as possible, moving through the process of starting my life over.

It’s actually kind of weird because I am calm, in between crying jags. I don’t need PunkRock to tell me I am worthwhile and loveable. I know that I am. I am fucking devastated but just because suddenly he has made me into something disposable, doesn’t mean that in the future, I can’t be recycled back into something amazing. I mean, I definitely won’t be dating anyone anytime soon - but I wasn’t thinking of doing that anyway. I know I have mental health work of my own to do, and I have already been working on that this year. Or, trying to, until PunkRock went off the rails.

My bestie in NY told me I needed to do something for myself today too - something small but alone, to show myself self-love. She told me not to tell anyone what that something is, to reclaim my power. I have sort of an idea, and I am going to roll with it later.

A mutual friend of all of ours says that he believes PunkRock is in a manic-depressive spiral and needs to feed chaos. His binge drinking (the times I know about) actually line up with a clockwork schedule, when I wrote down the dates. The drinking was probably part of that cycle. Our friend said the NRE will end and PunkRock will regret this. I somewhat agree but I also have nothing to say about that. He has decided to end this, so we start that process now. Hopefully he continues to go to therapy, and has his meds adjusted. I definitely think that should happen, but that doesn’t mean he will follow through.

Oh well. This is me. I am moving forward. That’s what I am focusing on today. I need to love myself more now.


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You are lovable, and beautiful, and PunkRock is crazy for throwing away your relationship. I think your friend is right.

You do so much for so many people... and for so many kitties. You are a beautiful soul.

I'm glad you're doing something for yourself and that you and DarkKnight are taking a day away.


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I'm so shocked, and so very sorry, Bluebird. This is terrible.