Bluebird
Well-known member
Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I cried a lot, which in retrospect was probably a good thing. Bottling up emotions is never a positive. PunkRock got home later than expected, but he held me and took me to dinner at Cracker Barrel for comfort food. He told me he didn’t know that the death of my friend’s mom was so impactful, and if he had known, he never would have left. He told me I should have requested him to stay home, because he would have done it in an instant. We were at cross-communication again. We had a long talk and hopefully things will continue in a good direction.
Apparently HippieChick has decided she does want both a physical and emotional relationship with PunkRock. I am torn about this, because she has yet to get her testing done and is saying that it isn’t a priority because she doesn’t have the time or money. I have told PunkRock that this is such a huge red flag for me. She had a lot to say about my sexual exploits and wanted him to test right away - which he did and came up clear - but yet she won’t do the same? Also, the Dom she visited on Valentine’s Day she did have sex with, even though she had said it wasn’t going to happen and wouldn’t. I have no idea why this isn’t a dealbreaker for him, and it worries me a great deal. I am still debating on whether he or I are going to switch to condoms. It breaks my heart, but I am not willing to give her the benefit of the doubt at this moment. It just seems shifty to me. Like, testing is what you do when you start a new relationship, and have the potential to effect an entire polycule. What I have to decide though - is can I trust the report that she used condoms with the Dom, and that she hasn’t had any unsafe practices before this encounter? I don’t know her well enough to say. I don’t trust PunkRock’s NRE. He said he is going to use condoms though, so I should be able to trust that, right? It’s scary to me. I feel like I can’t trust either of them, which is heartbreaking. Right now I can’t trust him to stick to the calendar, come home on time or hold her to basic testing requirements. Like, why is all this so easy for him to wave a hand at? If I were dating someone new, he would definitely be calling me out on these.
DarkKnight’s mom is still in the hospital. She’s having testing done still. They haven’t been able to tell where the bleeding inside is coming from. They took her off her blood thinners because she has super low blood pressure due to the blood loss. However, she has a massive clot - which is why she is on the thinners! So it isn’t safe for her to be off of those for very long. DarkKnight came home last night and just cried his eyes out. He is missing his dad and is so very worried about his mom. I felt so drained and unhelpful. I had nothing to give him emotionally, and I felt like the worst partner imaginable. I just held him and hugged him and rocked him. I don’t think it helped.
There is too much going on right now. I am just overwhelmed emotionally and I feel so alone. I am going to go play D&D today just to give my mind something to focus on outside of the house. Saying that - fuck. I need to leave in a half hour and I haven’t showered yet!
Apparently HippieChick has decided she does want both a physical and emotional relationship with PunkRock. I am torn about this, because she has yet to get her testing done and is saying that it isn’t a priority because she doesn’t have the time or money. I have told PunkRock that this is such a huge red flag for me. She had a lot to say about my sexual exploits and wanted him to test right away - which he did and came up clear - but yet she won’t do the same? Also, the Dom she visited on Valentine’s Day she did have sex with, even though she had said it wasn’t going to happen and wouldn’t. I have no idea why this isn’t a dealbreaker for him, and it worries me a great deal. I am still debating on whether he or I are going to switch to condoms. It breaks my heart, but I am not willing to give her the benefit of the doubt at this moment. It just seems shifty to me. Like, testing is what you do when you start a new relationship, and have the potential to effect an entire polycule. What I have to decide though - is can I trust the report that she used condoms with the Dom, and that she hasn’t had any unsafe practices before this encounter? I don’t know her well enough to say. I don’t trust PunkRock’s NRE. He said he is going to use condoms though, so I should be able to trust that, right? It’s scary to me. I feel like I can’t trust either of them, which is heartbreaking. Right now I can’t trust him to stick to the calendar, come home on time or hold her to basic testing requirements. Like, why is all this so easy for him to wave a hand at? If I were dating someone new, he would definitely be calling me out on these.
DarkKnight’s mom is still in the hospital. She’s having testing done still. They haven’t been able to tell where the bleeding inside is coming from. They took her off her blood thinners because she has super low blood pressure due to the blood loss. However, she has a massive clot - which is why she is on the thinners! So it isn’t safe for her to be off of those for very long. DarkKnight came home last night and just cried his eyes out. He is missing his dad and is so very worried about his mom. I felt so drained and unhelpful. I had nothing to give him emotionally, and I felt like the worst partner imaginable. I just held him and hugged him and rocked him. I don’t think it helped.
There is too much going on right now. I am just overwhelmed emotionally and I feel so alone. I am going to go play D&D today just to give my mind something to focus on outside of the house. Saying that - fuck. I need to leave in a half hour and I haven’t showered yet!