Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

A few places near me are doing drive in fireworks! We got tickets for this weekend. I saw pictures from the last one at this location and, as expected, people were out of their cars without masks and being generally stupid. My family will be staying in the car the entire time, but we are excited to get to enjoy fireworks since we normally go to 3-4 shows in July.
 
Honestly, it's been a while since I've seen live fireworks! At our old house, we usually hosted a BBQ or had people over, since we were perfectly positioned to view the city celebration from our back deck. Now we're on the wrong side of town. I talked to MisterMoonbeam last night about maybe buying some to set off, but he wasn't really interested. I'm really not either. However, I do want to do SOMETHING for the holiday!

Tonight DarkKnight and I have a date night. We are going to go for a picnic in a park, but I am not sure which one! He suggested it, and I am totally down for it. He told me maybe we could pick up subs and eat out, so that's an easy plan to follow! MisterMoonbeam and I had a picnic this past weekend, but we had steaks. lol Not sure if I posted about it, but we were completing another entry in our Adventure Challenge book, and we had to pick from 6 different picnic ideas, by rolling a single die. As a joke, I added steak to the list, and then I rolled a 6 twice, and then MisterMoonbeam also rolled a 6, so we gave up and did a pickup from Texas Roadhouse. It was sort of silly, eating steak with plastic silverware, but we made it work!

This week is pretty full with dates - tonight I have the picnic with DarkKnight, and tomorrow MisterMoonbeam and I have another date book entry that we've already scratched off. We're going to focus on our Love Language (we're both physical touch) and walk the city's Cultural Trail while taking photos together. Thursday we are doing a group game night and playing a chapter or two of Betrayal Legacy - I think we only have 4 more games to go! Then Friday we are probably going to focus on the backyard and end up grilling there after we get everything set up.

The last couple of days have been great for MisterMoonbeam and I, as far as sex goes. In the middle of the day yesterday, he just came over and started fingerblasting me on the couch. I must have had a dozen orgasms and holy shit it was hot as hell. Last night we played another of those Undercover Case File games (Max Cahill this time) and then afterward we had some fun with a toy. He's been all over me, which is great as we had been in a real dead space lately due to emotional mess on both our sides of things.

DarkKnight and I are the same as ever - good when he wants it. :) I'm hoping he will want it tonight after a relaxing picnic!

Today will be anything but relaxing though, since the Blessing Box was closed yesterday. I have a volunteer coming over at 2 pm to help out, but the pile of donations that currently awaits me is a bit daunting, and it's already sweltering outside. I filled the fridge and freezer on the porch, but now I am off to fill the Box itself. Time to get to work!
 
My sweet baby girl came over today and I finally got her taxes done. She kept procrastinating, but she is all set now. I’m always so happy to see her - we’ve been distancing with all of my kids. I really hate this pandemic. My life is so very changed and it sucks.

I had some trouble sleeping last night. I got into my head and started thinking negative thoughts about whether or not MisterMoonbeam really loves me. This was definitely just a brain weasel, as in the daytime I have no doubts. I don’t know why I went into a space where I was even questioning it - honestly, he’s an amazing partner. I believe it was some of my depression trying to find something to attach itself to, and last night it was my self-worth.

I’m in a pretty upbeat mood today though. I was exhausted when I woke up, but a shower helped, and I’m getting a bunch done today. I’ve been excited because of the backyard patio planning, and laying everything out on paper is fun!
 
Yesterday evening, MisterMoonbeam and I walked our city’s Cultural Trail - something I’ve never done. It was really amazing to see all the art - I had no idea there were so many amazing sculptures around town! We had pizza on the go for dinner, and stopped by the local game store and bought a couple of games for later. We forgot to put on sunscreen and wear hats, and it was like 90 degrees out.

Check out my CoronaHair. Lol We were both wiped!

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Yuck! Today is hot once again, and I’ve been outside most of the day working on Blessing Box projects. My overflow room is looking much improved, but my complexion is not! I am a freckled fool. Lol

BugGirl is here cleaning today, so stuff in other parts of the house are getting taken care of. I pay her now to come once a week and wash/sweep/vacuum all of the floors, clean the upstairs bathroom, and empty litter boxes. It’s just enough to keep things ticking over here, and she’s happy to make a couple of extra dollars midweek.

The heat has me tired, but oh well. I’m still getting things done!
 
The weekend was blah. The temps were hovering around 102 degrees, so almost nothing got done outside as planned. I did get measurements for my backyard patio planning, but that’s about it. Everyone was exhausted at my house, so we all spent most of the time relaxing and not doing much! We did play another two chapters of Betrayal Legacy - we have one more to go now! - and on different days I played Hive with each of my guys individually. I am up to season 19 of Survivor now. Gah! What a show to marathon! Lol

On Friday we had plans to wake up early and watch Hamilton on Disney+. We started it but then at intermission, I discovered that another one of our foster kittens was deathly sick, and in a few hours, he passed. It was traumatic for all of us. Grapenut was the last remaining kitten from the litter of 3 brothers. There’s still no rhyme or reason for it - all of them had no symptoms, or different symptoms. Grapenut had had respiratory issues since we first took him in, but the other two had nothing like that. I’m hoping at this point it was just something genetically an issue for them. We have 5 kittens not related to the brothers left. 2 are completely happy and healthy, and the other 3 have runny eyes. All are now on an anti-viral (having gone through 2 rounds of 2 different antibiotics) and seem to be okay. I just don’t know.

So it took us most of the day to watch Hamilton, and with the heat and the death, we didn’t do anything else but wallow in depression.

Saturday I got a phone call from New York that my son’s biological grandmother had passed. She had custody of both my older children - before I adopted them - for a few years when they were younger. My son and her had a very close relationship - he had just spoken to her a few days prior on the phone. The family is making arrangements today so I should know more this afternoon. They are planning on just doing a viewing on Thursday, if that works out. My 2 oldest want me to drive them there (Lockport, NY) since neither have a car. I am not sure what to do - with Covid there’s a limit of 10 people invited but the grandkids will be coming from 3 different states. And I’d then be trapped in a car for 7 hours with my kids there and back, and sharing two nights of a hotel room with them.

I just don’t feel comfortable with it, but at the same time maybe there will be things we can do to minimize exposure. I will think on more of this later.

Saturday was definitely not an improvement over Friday. We didn’t go to see fireworks but we did have burgers and I made a pasta salad. BugGirl stopped by and did some cleaning in the kitten room so she could make $20.

Yesterday we did the gaming stuff and a few household projects. I helped MisterMoonbeam empty out a few boxes and straighten bookcases in his bedroom. He was able to donate a lot - I was really proud of him for being able to move past some of his grief.

I have had bad dreams two nights in a row, featuring PunkRock. Ugh.
 
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It’s Tuesday and I’m tired! I am actually doing a lot of work today in the overflow room, and I have a volunteer due in about an hour to help me. I’m motivated! I need to schedule a pest control visit and for that things need to be completely clear for the spray. Not because I have seen any issues, but just because I would like to stay on a regular schedule for that.

My son ended up having to work all week, so after a phone call yesterday, we decided not to travel to NY for his grandmother’s funeral. BugGirl said she was fine with that but she seems to be taking things much harder than expected. We will see how things go. They do plan to make a trip once the Corona issues are under control.
 
I was up early even though it was my day off yesterday, and I did laundry, sorted baby food and formula, and did some online stuff. Unfortunately, around 10 am I saw that PunkRock had posted on a friend’s Facebook page, and I clicked on his name. I’m so fucking stupid. His profile pic was changed to a photo of his hand holding his girlfriend’s hand. It made me feel hollow and wrecked and I got off of the app immediately.

After a couple of gut wrenching sobs, I got my shit together and just laid on the couch and took some breaths for a bit. I decided to buy an app - Wildwood Tarot. MisterMoonbeam has the actual physical card set, as well as the app, and every time I do a 3-card reading, it’s so incredibly accurate. Today’s was shockingly so.

For my central issue of the day, I pulled the Queen of Arrows, which stands for sadness due to breaking bonds. Okay, that’s my split from PunkRock. I guess negative energy was still at the forefront. My “Action to Avoid” was represented by the Six of Stones, which was saying I should stop spending money on frivolous items and focus on the long term effects of that. These two cards then tied together in the Ace of Arrows - I need to have clarity of purpose and channel my focus and resources on my future.

So, long term planning. I was like, okay - I can do this. I haven’t thought much about the long term lately. I’ve done so much surviving just day to day and then focusing on MisterMoonbeam and his emotional issues. I started by making a budget for the month, but I didn’t get too far. I got the spreadsheet wiped out and plugged in a couple of numbers, but I felt distracted. That’s all short term stuff. So instead, I pulled out my State of the Union file.

We never got to have our Spring State of the Union, because PunkRock left me before the meeting. It wasn’t very cheery to look over all of our hopes and plans for the year, and ideas for the future. It took some fortitude to start deleting all of the stuff that pertained to PunkRock. I deleted a good chunk of the paperwork. It hurt my heart again, to watch it disappear into the ether. I didn’t type up anything new though. Just wiped that part of my future away.

DarkKnight showed up with Taco Bell for lunch then, as I had to take the foster kittens to clinic for their regularly scheduled every-2-week visit. So he brought lunch and the car home so I could do that later. He and I were in the living room with MisterMoonbeam, and I told them both about seeing PunkRock’s profile pic and how it made me feel bad. I told them I felt like I didn’t have a hand to hold. Not to disparage their care and concern, but that how I was envious of being monogamous like that - to have a plan to move forward together, two people against the world. The relationship escalator is so calming to think about. It’s easy to plan what the next step is. My life is muddled and messy, and I can’t see what the fuck I am supposed to do next year, or what I even want next month.

I told them that I don’t have a hand to hold and someone to trace the lines on my palm and tell me what comes next.

DarkKnight looked across at me and just smiled with that calming, patient presence that he has. “You have a team,” he said. “You are loved.”

Holy shit, you guys. Sadness obliterated. Boom.

I drove him to work and I thought about how lucky I am to have him by my side. He’s my rock. I’ve always said that, and it’s true.

We recently watched Hamilton on Disney+. A song popped into my head and I had to quick get back on Facebook and post a video of it to DarkKnight. I’m sure everyone has heard it, but the one part that keeps repeating is:

Look into your eyes
And the sky’s the limit.
I’m helpless
Down for the count
And I’m drownin’ in ‘em.

Pretty much the whole song just has my body humming. I can’t explain it, but it just gave me a HUGE jolt of NRE and butterflies and love for my husband. I know NRE isn’t a thing right now - this month actually marks 15 years that I’ve been with DarkKnight - but that’s what I have when I hear this song.

Oh DarkKnight! He’s my heart. No matter what, I can count on him for comfort and support. My relationship with MisterMoonbeam will work itself out into the shape it is meant to be - I can’t try and plan it and I shouldn’t. It’s okay. I have two hands. He can hang on to one, if he wants. All I do know now is that I don’t want monogamy and I don’t need the escalator. That has a clear on and off point. Where I’m at, the sky’s the limit.

Anyway, I ended up glad that I was so very depressed in the morning. It made my happiness all the more wonderful this afternoon.
 
Will this heat ever calm the fuck down? Ugh. Having an autoimmune issue where sweating is a huge no-no, I’m miserable in the heat. Running in and outside with the Blessing Box makes things difficult to regulate my temperature.

Both of my guys and I are getting back started on a low carb diet this coming week. I’m excited. I wanna lose 20 pounds, and I am going to do it!

Today has been a good day overall. I had good sexy times with MisterMoonbeam last night. Though - oh I am so frustrated with my dildos lately! I have multiples of the same one (bought for use with different guys over the years) and all of the charging cables have stopped working, one by one. So I have these $30-$60 toys that I can’t use anymore and it makes me pissed off. I am going to order a new one but maybe a different brand. These are all some Chinese distributor with different brand names but it’s the exact same toy. It’s weird because I can cum so super easy when with a guy, but with clitoral stimulation, I need solid even rumblings. I hate having to order things blindly! If anyone has a suggestion around the $60 mark I would love to hear it! I don’t like jelly dongs. Lol
 
Bluebird said:
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I told them I felt like I didn’t have a hand to hold. Not to disparage their care and concern, but that how I was envious of being monogamous like that - to have a plan to move forward together, two people against the world. The relationship escalator is so calming to think about. It’s easy to plan what the next step is. My life is muddled and messy, and I can’t see what the fuck I am supposed to do next year, or what I even want next month.

I told them that I don’t have a hand to hold and someone to trace the lines on my palm and tell me what comes next.

DarkKnight looked across at me and just smiled with that calming, patient presence that he has. “You have a team,” he said. “You are loved.”

Holy shit, you guys. Sadness obliterated. Boom.
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Are you sure about that or might he be just telling you what you want the hear ??

Did he work through some stuff in the past few months and now he “ gets it “

Don’t get me wrong I’m not suggesting he doesn’t love you and it just seem markedly different attitude when he posted this.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyadvice...urce=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf


Especially the part about dedicating enough time, money And energy to your relationships.
 
Wow! Holy shit. DarkKnight is not on reddit at all, so that is fucking crazy. It seriously sounds like someone has ripped off my journal! Just wow. Like, I don’t even know what the point of that would be?

Of course, they got lots wrong, first of which I never in the history of us, have I ever told DarkKnight not to date anyone. I find that part comical. Him dating would cause me “great suffering” omg that wording is NOT something I would say, nor would DarkKnight feel. Lol Also - it was DarkKnight’s idea for me to give poly a try - it wasn’t something that I came up with to try and fix something within myself. He suggested it, and encouraged it and even now is supporting in both actions and words. I have had several metamours who I got along with just fine. As far as the “financial commitments” go - by that wording alone I can tell this is not my husband. We didn’t have anything set up with PunkRock that we needed to depend on to see us through several years. Like, 100% honest, this was not a worry or a concern. That more than anything makes this fake AF. This is someone who is parroting my life.

I just showed him the post and he gave me a 100% unequivocal denial of having written it. Never in our relationship, ever, has he lied to me, so I am going to go with he didn’t post that. He is always really up front about talking through concerns, so I believe him. Plus, there is wrong info in it, that he wouldn’t have messed up. Oh, and his writing style is different.

There is zero chance that someone has a parallel life to mine that closely though. All I can say is that there must be someone with some severe mental illness out there, to take my life story and try and make it a reddit post! I wonder if they were hoping I would see it and it would cause issues? Dude, people are crazypants. I’m on reddit, but I just follow cat pages. Lol
 
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I also want to say FUCK WHOEVER WROTE THAT I SAID GARBAGE LIKE I DON’T NEED THE REGULAR RELATIONSHIP HEALING TIME AFTER A BREAKUP BECAUSE OF BEING POLY. I was in therapy and WRECKED for an entire year after breaking up with WarMan. I was a complete mess - and I did the breaking up. I told him he needed to move out. (The post is written like he left me.) I absolutely am still struggling with depression and anxiety after being split from PunkRock. I would never ever say that I don’t need time to heal! Like what? And neither would DarkKnight. As my husband, he was there then and is there now. He wouldn’t say that I said that. Because I certainly don’t react in that way.

I’ve talked to both DarkKnight and MisterMoonbeam. Both of them have assured me that they didn’t make that post, and both gave the same guess to who it might be. I’m just going to let it die because my life has enough drama than to have to deal with the manufactured kind.

I have two amazing partners right now. I love my team! <3
 
Bluebird said:
I also want to say FUCK WHOEVER WROTE THAT I SAID GARBAGE LIKE I DON’T NEED THE REGULAR RELATIONSHIP HEALING TIME AFTER A BREAKUP BECAUSE OF BEING POLY. I was in therapy and WRECKED for an entire year after breaking up with WarMan. I was a complete mess - and I did the breaking up. I told him he needed to move out. (The post is written like he left me.) I absolutely am still struggling with depression and anxiety after being split from PunkRock. I would never ever say that I don’t need time to heal! Like what? And neither would DarkKnight. As my husband, he was there then and is there now. He wouldn’t say that I said that. Because I certainly don’t react in that way.

I’ve talked to both DarkKnight and MisterMoonbeam. Both of them have assured me that they didn’t make that post, and both gave the same guess to who it might be. I’m just going to let it die because my life has enough drama than to have to deal with the manufactured kind.

I have two amazing partners right now. I love my team! <3
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There are 2 threads that person wrote.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/fszq4g/do_i_just_not_get_it/

I saw them at the time. I am quite often on Reddit and I've replied to one of the posts myself. I did message the person privately but they never responded. What I would have done is ask my partners what they think of the thread and responses. It is unlikely anyone who felt the need to make such a thread would admit it to the person. You'll never really know. But a general talk about the issues mentioned might help facilitate communication.
 
It’s the same entry, just cross-posted.

Actually, I am 100% certain it is not DarkKnight who wrote it, and the way the paragraph is written about my relationship with WarMan makes it certain. DarkKnight had attended therapy sessions with me alone, and with WarMan. He does not know much, if at all, about Monkey - WarMan’s “intimate friend.” He met her once, and he promptly forgot she existed, because I did not really talk about her at all with him. He just doesn’t read my journal, as hasn’t read my journal, in years. The only person who ever labeled her as such is WarMan himself, and someone who would be reading my journal. WarMan didn’t leave me because of my anxiety or attachment struggles. I left him due to his unchecked mental illness and escalating issues in relation to that. I left him because he was gaslighting me to an extreme extent - I paid $800 for an MRI!! and numerous $150 copays to a neurologist because of him! - and my therapist described him as abusive. We also had zero financial commitments with WarMan - he just had a joint bank account with us that he transferred rent money into. When DarkKnight read through the post last night, he had to ask me for details - he didn’t remember Monkey at all, or even that I had issues with her. And I wouldn’t even say that - I had issues with WarMan oversharing her struggles and personal details, and allowing her to treat him terribly.

So that entire paragraph is completely wrong, and again, DarkKnight would never say that I don’t feel I have no need for downtime after a breakup. He held me and comforted me for the year after my split with WarMan, and has done so for PunkRock as well. He would never downplay that, because it is intense and it has at times affected our day to day lives and plans we have had to cancel. He wouldn’t have written a throw away sentence like that and then spent an entire paragraph saying that WarMan left me and describing that relationship erroneously.

I did talk to both of my partners about the thread and the responses. We were able to see that it was made on April Fool’s Day. Backtracking through my journal, we can see it was made almost immediately after MisterMoonbeam moved in. There are a couple of people who would have been feeing emotional and upset around that time, and one person in particular who MisterMoonbeam pointed out would be likely to create a throwaway name like the one the poster used. One of these people would definitely want to see the armchair diagnoses that Reddit is known for, because it would make them feel better about their own life to see me painted as a villain, or someone in the wrong, or someone suffering from untreated mental illness.

Whatever. I’ve had a battery of testing done on me at least 3 times in my life. None have been administered by a poly-friendly therapist, because I’ve never seen one of those. My last therapist that I saw was Mormon and highly skeptical but willing to learn about poly, but I would not consider him poly-friendly. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything other than attachment issues due to childhood trauma. My anxiety and PTSD surrounding dental issues was not labeled as such by a test, just from my therapist writing it down. I do believe I have those though, because I live them and have sought out both medication and therapy for those issues as warranted. I definitely discount online strangers diagnosing me with the limited and erroneous information that was posted.

I had actually told MisterMoonbeam about my journal, but not until recently. He wouldn’t have had half the details (wrong or not) to write about, so I am also certain he had nothing to do with the postings. He has shown much zeal about tracking down the “culprit” and pointed out several things that I wasn’t thinking of when reading it through.

DarkKnight’s demeanor and day to day way of communicating is the exact opposite of the way this was all written. He hates writing and making an online post is not something he would turn to, if he was questioning if this was real poly. That part is also kind of laughable to me and him. It’s just not something he would use as an outlet. Both of my current partners actually avoid reddit, because they don’t like the format or structure. DarkKnight is more of a twitter guy, and he doesn’t even post there, just reads and follows others.

Yeah, I may never know who actually wrote the post but I have two solid candidates in mind. However, it absolutely could have just been written by someone who was bored. It doesn’t really matter. It isn’t accurate, it isn’t relevant to my life right now and it doesn’t involve either of my partners and how our polycule is communicating or evolving at the present time.
 
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Wow ....what looked like some internal communication issue turns into a whodunit. Good thing your good at puzzle games.

I guess with fame and popularity come this stuff :confused:


Also I know for a fact there were more than a handful of forum member that either saw that reddit post or learned of it shortly after it was posted. And it took the right post by you and me being a more active participant because of a thread I started a week or so ago to bring this out in the open. And as you say there were way to many general facts that the reddit poster put in to make it anyone other than you or your clan. The next question is or was does anyone care enough to do anything ??? I doubt I would have if I hadn’t been discussing living with fake people on the thread I started.
 
Lol Fame and popularity. I have neither, nor do I aspire to it. I mean a lot of people read my journal, but that just makes me interesting, not necessarily anything else. I don’t have an Insta (well, okay I have one but just with a single photo on it) and I have turned down every TV spot that has contacted me to be featured. That’s why I am thinking that post came from someone I know. Like, I’m not anywhere close to even being a D-list celebrity. Lol I am a middle-aged potato-shaped housewife with too many cats who is healing from trauma, trying to move forward with my life.

I certainly don’t care enough to do anything about it. It’s a trash post made by a trash person for trash reasons. Meh. Let them keep their garbage. I’m not interested in engaging with people in that way. I am not active in any polyamory or polygamy subreddits and don’t feel like that will change. I honestly haven’t had a ton of time to even read and comment on the current threads on this site lately. I don’t have the spoons for it and I do feel a little guilty about that. I stopped being a spaminator mod here, again due to time. Policing reddit is definitely not something I wish to be engaged in at all.

If the poster was trying to fuck up my relationships, they failed, because none of us saw it. If they were trying to make me look or feel bad, they failed, because none of us saw it and their post was laughably inaccurate. If they were trying to make themselves feel better, I can’t say if that was successful or not. They clearly have some issues, so I actually hope they received responses that helped them move on in their own lives.

I’m happy moving on, giving my focus to issues that are really impacting my life. I don’t have enough energy to put toward ridiculousness.
 
I wouldn't worry that someone you know in real life made that reddit post. It reads like it was written by someone familiar with your blog here (or maybe with your journal; I have not read that) who wanted to stir up drama to prove their own little theory or whatever.

I think if it were written by a real person in your life, especially Darknight, it would have more details that aren't in this blog, rather than a suspiciously point-by-point listing of details from your blog.
 
M

That is very true. But they couldn’t even get the stuff I wrote correct!

I don’t have a blog - to me that would feature themed posts that are put up on a regular basis. This here is my journal, which is unstructured daily, or at least weekly, postings about my life. I think most people use the word interchangeably though. I only have one place I write, and that is here.
 
Ah, I see. I thought this here is your "blog," and that the link to your "online journal" went to something else, but I see they are the same thing. Got it.

But yeah, I don't think a real person wrote that reddit post.
 
Today has been good so far. We all slept in to varying degrees. I gave each guy a short list of what I wanted to get done around the house today and they both worked together and asked for my input and it’s all mostly done now. MisterMoonbeam emptied the garbage cans and worked on some stuff in his office. DarkKnight emptied the dishwasher and cleared the kitchen counter of some items that were unpacked from MisterMoonbeam’s boxes, and then we talked about what to donate and what to keep - and then did that. Lol They’re going to go to Lowe’s or Home Depot later to finally buy the trim needed for the walls in the basement that they put up a while ago. I cleaned the living room coffee tables, emptied cat litter boxes and put away a basket of my own laundry.

We had some more discussion about the reddit posting but the consensus that remains is that we aren’t going to concern ourselves with it. Like, why bother? I don’t have a reason to care about the whackadoo who wrote it.

Right now we are going to order lunch (subs from Hartles) and then go eat someplace at a park as a polycule. Today is going to be another good day, I feel. MisterMoonbeam has a fancy camera that he wants to mess around with and take photos of birds, so I think he may bring it along. We also have plans (he and I) for our date night tonight to do some body painting, since we haven’t had time to do that date from our Adventure Book yet.
 
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