Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love


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Um, ok?

The more I read, the more I am made aware of how difficult this is for many people. I have always lived my life avoiding drama. I never let someone else control my emotions, except my wife and girlfriend and even then, only to a certain point right before it became manipulation. I have only had bisexual girlfriends and was engaged to two of the three, marrying the third. My sex drive is much higher than my wife's plus I am into BDSM and she is not. We saw how open relationships destroyed our friend's marriage. Lets face it, we form emotional bonds with our sex partners and we tend to only share the fun times with them. They never nag us to do things and we usually see them on their best behavior. It is easy to fall in love with someone else. Just look at the divorce rate of those who try to be monogamous so imagine how much more dangerous it is in a poly relationship where both partners are not equally in love with the third person.

Have you actually read my journal? I am NOT in a triad. I live with both of my partners, so they definitely both get nagged and see me on my WORST behavior.

My wife recognized my need for more and different sex, so she set me up with her dominant best friend and then joined in. We were together for 38 years. We never had sex or dated anyone alone. It was always my wife and I together. We wife swapped in the same room but we mostly just put on a show for each other and could not wait to get home to have sex. Funny how neither of us can remember if we even had orgasms. I know we were bad at it as we hated it and were never invited back for a repeat. No matter, all the couples in our local wife swapping group got involved in all sorts of drama and eventually ran off with one of their lovers so we lost touch with them. It was kind of messed up when your friend marries another friend's wife whose husband married our friends wife and then they all have kids from each marriage.

We aren't a triad. We don't have sex all together, and no one watches. My sex life with my husband is private from my sex life with my boyfriend. We don't plan on having any more children at all. I am not sure how this applies to my situation?

We never had the internet or cable TV in our day so we had no idea of what others were doing outside of the couples we knew. We blissfully lived in the dark making our monogamous triad work for us without a single problem, insecurity or jealously. I could do anything with either my wife or girlfriend without either getting jealous.

Lucky you, I guess?

However, when we were not able to be together anymore, I fell into a depression and am just coming off of treatment. When you live 38 years of a 45 year married with a third, living as a couple again was a hard thing to adjust too for both me and my wife.

I am sure this is true - it would be difficult to adjust. I am not sure, however, how this applies to anything written in my journal. Thanks for sharing your experience, but it is far removed from how I am practicing poly.


I will say that Loving More is a great convention. I had a lot of fun there this year and I look forward to going again next year. There is also a good one in Columbus, Ohio in November, if that is something you'd be interested in looking into in future years if not this one.

Sorry to hear about your struggles with the masturbation thing. I've had similar thoughts in the past, although I don't struggle with it as much now. Not sure I went about it in the healthiest way and might actually have to undo some of it now, but I hope that your process works out in a productive way for you. :)


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I feel unhappy whenever one of my partners masturbates . . . I guess some of the thoughts I have stem from my own personal distaste for my own solo time - I would rather be with a partner, and having to go it alone makes me feel depressed, even if I have awesome orgasms at the time. I do see it as a sad thing I had to do. It's enjoyable, but even as I am doing it, I feel lonely. So I shift these thoughts over to my partner - poor guy, having to take care of himself all alone!

But it isn't always that! Sometimes guys just want a quick one off, or want to lose themselves in a particular fantasy, whatever. I get that. I do. But my negative feelings surrounding that persist.
Or it could be simply about enjoying one's own body. We live in these bodies 24/7, and are blessed with the ability to enjoy such incredible sensations. Body hair can be stimulated by a breeze and get me excited. The sensations of touch, the connectivity of nerves and receptors, our sex organs and erogenous zones, enhanced by our imagination - it's such a delicious thing to delight in being in our own skins and what our bodies are capable of. I tell you, there have been days when I spent so much happy times having sex with myself that it was a wonder I ever made it out of my apartment!

Maybe if you look at it that way, it wouldn't make you feel sad? Just a time to enjoy pleasurable sensations, just the way eating a favorite meal can be?
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I will say that Loving More is a great convention. I had a lot of fun there this year and I look forward to going again next year. There is also a good one in Columbus, Ohio in November, if that is something you'd be interested in looking into in future years if not this one.
Really? I've seen a few of the pictures from conventions that Loving More puts on their site, and though I recognize a few people I know, it seems like the event is very small. Because some of the people I know are people I'd rather avoid, I never wanted to go. If I knew there would be a large turnout and the opportunity to meet new folks, I'd be interested. What made it great for you?

(sorry for the hijack, Bluebird)


At both conventions that I've been to (Loving More and Beyond the Love), pictures are sometimes tricky because there are usually a lot of people around the convention that don't feel comfortable having their picture taken or published for fear of being outed. At Beyond the Love (I'm on the staff for that convention), we had wrist bands that we would have people wear if they were okay having their picture taken and we didn't publish any picture where there weren't obvious visible wristbands on everybody. This can make pictures from the events look small.

Highlights that I remember from Loving More were a few of the workshops I fell absolutely in love with. Lots of consent-based, sex positivity, and practical problem solving. There was one workshop where I think I actually witnessed someone make a breakthrough on a 20-year intimacy problem. It was very moving and powerful to participate in something like that.

With Beyond the Love, I know that we have good workshops, but that we have another big draw which is the social events (Poly Family Feud, Poly Prom last year and Masquerade Ball this year, and Poly Speed Dating). The social events weren't as strong in my opinion at Loving More, but it really depends on what you are looking for.

Both events are hosted at locations that have a lot of social space where you can talk to others and chat about things that have happened in the workshops, ideas and philosophies, or anything really.

I'm not sure what you would consider a large turnout. I think for Beyond the Love last year since it was our first event we were really impressed to get around 150. I'm not sure what Loving More's numbers were, since I don't staff that event and I'm terrible at estimating, but during the opening and closing statements there were enough people to fill a giant circle around one of the larger hotel conference rooms.

I just really enjoy connecting with people and being around people that I feel absolutely comfortable being myself around. The energy at both conventions was fantastic and had me on a high for days. I've made a few friendships that I've maintained, and I can't wait for Beyond the Love to happen again in November. Beyond the Love being my very first poly convention last year, I broke down bawling on the way home because of just how amazing the whole weekend had been and the sense of loss having to go home from it. Loving More wasn't quite as hard to leave, but I think it is because I was a bit more prepared on what to expect and because I made a connection that weekend with someone from my hometown that we had driven up with and was looking forward to more time in the car conversing with him, my now husband, and my metamour (her husband and my now ex-boyfriend had to work that weekend).
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No worries about the hijack. :) I am interested in hearing about poly conventions!


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I love anal. Oh geez, do I ever. This is something that I could never find in any of my existing past relationships. I'd see all this porn and guys online would talk about how they could never convince women to give it up, but I seriously couldn't find anyone interested.

DarkKnight finds it gross and whenever we have that sort of sex, he is just doing it to appease me. He doesn't ever cum that way - it does repulse him so. Thank god I met PunkRockAwesomesauce, because he enjoys it quite thoroughly. I had pretty much given up hope of finding a partner that would be willing and eager to put it in my pooper. :) I just wish his bits were a bit smaller, because damn.

There is just something about anal that I love. It's naughty but it's also submissive. So much pressure and not-quite pain and extreme shivery good that just overwhelms me. Squee!

Have I written about this before? I hope not - you readers will be thinking I'm a freak for continually bringing it up! Haha! It happens to be in my mind at the moment because I just got some. :)

So, uh, changing the subject...

Um, you know, I'll just end this entry here. Pretty much every topic I start to expound upon seems freaky and weird after talking about anal:

So, school is starting up again now.

PunkRock is still unemployed but he had two interviews yesterday.

Our trivia season is over and the final is coming up in a couple weeks.

Yeah, it just doesnt work! I'll write more another time!


I didn't ever bother to wonder if there were guys who didn't like it! My eyes are opened.


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I'm in love! I'm in love!

DarkKnight and I had a fun time last night together. PunkRock had gone to the game store to pick up a paycheck and meet some friends. He ended up coming home late and since DarkKnight and I already had a date night scheduled, this was no big deal. We decided to go out since our city was having a street event with "pop up shops." We figured we'd go walk around and maybe have dinner together.

Well, the way the pop up shops worked was that existing businesses in the city relocated this weekend to empty storefronts downtown. We discovered there was a passport, which was free, so we picked up two and decided to visit as many as we could in exchange for inked stamps. At the end, we turned them in for door prizes - hopefully we will win something!

Anyway, it was fun holding hands with my love and visiting all the little stores. What was great was that a few of the stores were ones we were familiar with, and already enjoy visiting as a couple - Ten Thousand Villages, a coffee shop, and the Fine Arts Company. We were both enthusiastic whenever we came across a shop we already knew and loved! I ended up buying a new bracelet - because I'm a FREAK for bracelets - and we bought some vanilla ice cream to share as we walked along. Oh! We also bought a Divine 70% dark chocolate bar, which we ate later in the evening, at home together.

After a wine tasting - I liked one called Gold Digger, haha, right? - we had a delicious dinner at the Flying Pie Company downtown, which we love. We had a Cuban pizza, which was yummy! Then, we stood and watched a local band play a couple of songs in the street (the road was closed off) and then headed back to the car.

What I enjoyed the most was on one corner, the city has this brightly painted piano secured to the sidewalk and covered with a sun tent. We stopped and sat together and played "Heart & Soul." We seriously sucked at it, and DarkKnight was teaching me on the fly, so it was truly an experience! We were laughing and hugging and starting over and over again. It made me SO happy to share this with my husband!

Shortly after we arrived home, PunkRock strolled in, and after he ate and showered, we all decided to watch Oz the Great and Powerful together. It was great - none of us had seen it before, and we all loved it. Tonight was a sleepover for PunkRock, so we then retired and played DrawSomething on our I-devices until after midnight. We had sexy times too. :) Again.

I felt such exhilaration and love for my husband tonight. We've been together for 9 years now and it is just amazing how strong my NRE is still with him. It seriously has not diminished one iota. He makes me squealy and I feel such excitement and happiness just thinking about spending time with him!

Oh, I also bought a thank you card for PunkRock tonight. It had an octopus on the front and was blank inside. (My next tattoo is going to be an octopus, since PunkRock has a cethalopod back piece already and I want something to symbolize him.) I wrote him a note, telling him thanks for being patient with me. He had mentioned -again - this morning that he wished I believed him when he says that he loves me. He says he wishes I wasn't so insecure about him, still. (He's a little right, which makes me a little sad.) Anyway, the notecard was cute, and what I wrote was heartfelt. So that happened too.

My life is so wonderful right now. I would only change that we were more secure with our finances, since PunkRock still hasn't found a job out this direction yet. His game store is being badly mismanaged, money-wise, and he is struggling with irregular checks from there. Things are fairly tight for us because of my Invisaign braces and car troubles. That will all pass though, so I'm not stressed too terribly.

Right now, things are pretty wonderful, I have to say!


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As bouyant as my emotions were this morning, ugh, I am drowning tonight. So many sads, and they all involve guys from my past.

A few days ago, PunkRock got a text message, from someone frantically trying to locate C3's address. We went on Facebook and saw it all - C3 had posted a goodbye letter on his blog, and then shut off his phone. He tried to commit suicide. My heart was breaking for him - he has so much to offer the world, yet his depression and anxiety had once again overwhelmed him.

Anyway, his friends networked and mobilized and the end result is that he's now in treatment, hospitalized. No one has really heard anything since. I love him dearly, as a friend, and I wish nothing but strength and happiness going forward.

I've had a few days to process this, so overall, it's just a lingering sadness, but I'm keeping positive, you know?

So what has me upset tonight? Stupid C2. I haven't written about him because the scumbag had left my life for good. Or so I thought. I had joined a meet-up group for RPGs in my town a long while back, and there's a meeting next Friday. Guess who is co-organizer? Ugh!!!!

It's supposed to be a meet-and-greet for DMs who are looking for players for their already-started games, and of course for people who would like to start new ones. Not many people are signed up to attend, but I signed up PunkRock and me, before realizing C2 was a part of this event.

Fuck. I REALLY don't want to see him. Honestly, I am stressed that he will see me signed up and boot me from the event. I am not sure if he is able to do that, since it's just an event, but he did kick me out of the Sci-Fi book club we were both in, almost a year ago. Why? 1) because I wouldn't sleep with him and 2) because I clued in the chick he was FWB with at the time that he was trying to get with me and lying to her about it. He was also lying to me, so I wasn't that upset about losing the book club, it was just bullshit that he had the power to do that. He was the creator of the group though, so he could. Not sure if he has the power as an event creator to bump me.

Anyway, I quick sent a message to the other event creator and explained that I was interested specifically in a certain game and that there had been drama and I had signed up prior to realizing C2's involvement. Honestly, if PunkRock and I go, we are just looking to find a group within the group to play a particular game - not join one with C2. So, attending this one event, maybe we can just ignore him and network with the individuals that are offering the game we want. Which, as it so happens, is the co-creator guy that I was messaging.

Sigh. I don't know why, but having to do this has caused MAJOR stress for me. Like, I'm weepy. Fuck. I hate myself for that.

Edited to add:

And at the same time I started discussing my feelings about this with PunkRock tonight, he was getting texts from a close, married friend of his. I know her, have met her and actually think she's a pretty great person. The problem is that she is anti-poly, and as a result, anti-me. I guess every now and then she'll ask PunkRock how we are doing, and then reiterate that she thinks it's wrong and we are destined to fail. It makes me sad. PunkRock says she's the only one he knows that says these sorts of things - though everyone asks him how we're doing, but that's more just casual interest. She asks like she's hoping things have been called off. I don't want him to cut off contact with this woman - they've been friends for a long time. She's very religious, but PunkRock says she is against our relationship more along the lines of general morality. That aggravates me even more. Though, as I think about it, I calm down because she can think what she wants - we are not doing anything wrong and my love for PunkRock is nothing but wonderful.

Still, it's a downer today too.

PunkRock and I went out tonight for Baskin Robbins and then came home and watched an episode of Firefly with DarkKnight. I'm sleeping with DarkKnight tonight, so PunkRock then went down to his desk to paint, and I'm up in bed with DarkKnight. I'm feeling so out of sorts though - I am uncertain about sexy times. I just can't get in the mood. Course, I had sex with PunkRock at like 1 am this morning, and then again around 10 am or so, so it's not like I'm desperate for it. But I have been horny on and off today, and had been looking forward to being with DarkKnight tonight. Maybe I'll read some Literotica to get my mind on other things.
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Annnnd, I got booted from the meetup group by C2. Frustrating, for sure. What a jerkface! Pretty much ruined my day for a short while, but PunkRock is now going to sign up with the group and attend, since C2 doesn't know him and PunkRock can avoid him and be able to network with others to get us into a game in our area. What bullshit, seriously.

To help quell my overall unhappiness, PunkRock took me to 5 Below and I bought some nail polish called Unicorn Farts. Then we had lunch and we bought cookies. After I got home, DarkKnight and I spent some quiet time together painting, which did lots to calm me.


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Clear base, large round pieces of rainbow colored glitter. :D :D


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Spent some time today, looking and reading about Class B Motorhomes online. Still planning our future - still thinking about moving someplace much cheaper in a couple years and buying a motorhome or travel trailer, splitting my time at home base or out with one of my loves, seeing the country. It's a time filler, anyway.

I've also been thinking about a commitment ceremony with PunkRock, and what that might look like. Someone on a Facebook poly group said that they think I could have a ceremony in Maryland, just not mention the word wedding or marriage in it anywhere, to avoid running afoul of the law. I don't know. I really don't want to muck things up and end up in jail, thanks! I may talk to an attorney, though there is no hurry to do things. I can wait until after we've moved to a state that doesn't care about us getting hitched without any paperwork.

Still, it's fun to look at other people's weddings and how they handle the polyness of it. It's exciting, and it makes me feel kinda silly. :)

Anywho, today was a calm day. We all slept through most of it because DarkKnight was training someone on morning shift, which meant his work day started at 3 am. PunkRock was sleeping with me though, so we weren't affected by that craziness. Still, for some reason, we both stayed up til after 1 am, and then slept fitfully. I woke up for good at 7ish. When DarkKnight was off work at noon, he came to my room and crashed, so I went back to sleep with him. PunkRock had already retired back to his room for a morning nap. Bunch of lazy turds here folks!

Tomorrow will be less lazy - I start teaching Astronomy tomorrow, and immediately after, another homeschool mom is visiting to look over my stash of scrapbook supplies for a class I am co teaching with her when co-op starts next week. PunkRock and I have a date scheduled to play some WarMachine in the evening, and we are supposed to host a couch surfer as well. Should be fun!


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I've been having fun playing - and winning - games of WarMachine against PunkRock the last couple of days. He plays one of the same factions that M used to use, so it is interesting to me that I am now instructing PunkRock on how to better try and beat me. :)

PunkRock went to the meetup group gathering but it was mostly a bust - lots of people but he only connected with a couple who were into the same games. C2 did approach him and told PunKRock that he knew someone who went to his game store, but he had banned her from the group. Yeah, he used my name and everything. Douchebag. PunkRock said he didn't make any response, so C2 changed the subject. Next Saturday is trivia finals, so it is very likely they will see each other there and C2 will realize he talked smack about me to my boyfriend. Heh. I am quite sure he will boot PunkRock out of the group immediately, when he realizes this. But, since we have the contacts we were looking for, we no longer need to be involved with it anyway.

I was still upset about the entire situation though, yesterday. I don't like drama and I really dislike being crapped on like that. I have been trying to feel better by reminding myself that at least I was able to circumvent C2s nastiness. I didn't have to see him or talk to him, and we worked around his banhammer.


I am sooooo in love with both my guys, it's crazy. I feel really awesomesauce right now.


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Yesterday was my daughter's first day of 11th grade. I homeschool, so I got her set with some of her lessons and things went well all morning. Then, my friends started bugging me, we dropped school and went tubing instead! Too great.

Today was my first full class teaching Astronomy to a bunch of teens, and that went amazingly awesome. The lesson today was on sun light and sun atoms - I went over their homework & taught for an hour, used our telescope (8" Dobsonian) to look at the sun - we have a filter - and then I had the kiddos watch a netflix video. I got messages from two moms afterward, telling me what a good time their kiddos had. Yahoo! I had a good time too - I love Astronomy.

PunkRockAwesomesauce and I played two games of WarMachine today: one before my class, one after dinner. I won the first, he triumphed the second. We've just been playing 25 point battles, but tomorrow we plan to get back up to 35 points, so we can practice for an upcoming tournament. I'm bummed a bit though, because I may be in NY and not be able to play at the tournament.

Why? My son has had another grandpa die. This time, it's a grandpa from his birth family. Terrible. Even more so since my son goes and spends a week with this set of grandparents every single summer, since we adopted him at age 12 - he's 25 now - and this was the one summer he missed, because his other grandpa - my FIL - passed away and the funeral was scheduled in the middle of when he would have been gone. Sigh. I think he is handling it ok, but I know I am sad. This guy was SO sweet. He was always good to my kids. Let's see, he was birthdad's mom's husband - paternal step grandpa, I'd guess you'd say.

What else going on? Trivia finals are on Saturday. Hope to kick butt with my two guys, but we'll be playing against my regular team full of ladies and they are difficult to beat! Friday I am hosting a teen game club meeting and then driving with PunkRock to the game store for the rest of the evening. It's his friend's birthday - the one I've written about before who dislikes poly. Anyway, lots of people from the store go out to dinner as a tradition and I am going this year. Hopefully, PunkRock and I will have time to play WarMachine at the store right after.

Oh! My birthday is this month, and PunkRock is doing a few minor repairs to a couple of my WarMa models and painting ALL of my unpainted ones. This is an undertaking and I am so excited that he is doing this! I hate my birthday and it brings me crazy stress, having to worry about what gifts I might be given, so knowing his gift is one of time and service calms me so!

Oh again! PunkRock got a package in the mail today and he surprised me with a tiara! I told him a while back how M used to say I was a pretty, pretty princess in a negative way, and so he ordered me a tiara. He's been really great - helping me "reclaim" the music that M made me on my mix tape (I didn't like listening to songs that reminded me of those times) and now this. I'm gonna own my princess status! He says I am his princess in a positive way! Such a sweetheart!

DarkKnight and I have had a great couple of nights lately too - I didn't write much about him in this entry. Know that he and I are crazy in love still. :) He laughed about the tiara, and he reminded me that the last one I owned, I wore at our wedding. He's right!

So, so in love. My life is full and fun and I feel fine. :)


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So, so in love. My life is full and fun and I feel fine. :)

You're doing it right!:D (And you're awesome:p!)

I hate my birthday and it brings me crazy stress, having to worry about what gifts I might be given, so knowing his gift is one of time and service calms me so!

I don't have quite the aversion to my birthday - I'm completely indifferent to it. But that may be because I got rid of the "receiving gifts graciously" stress long ago. I established with MrS years and years ago that "occasion" gifts/cards were banned, and Dude slid right into that moratorium without a hitch. The only one who is "allowed" to give me gifts for "an occasion" is my mother - she says that she gave birth to me and she can give me presents if she wants to (fair enough:cool:). Since her gifts are always appropriate, practical and/or hilarious (and cost her a quarter at a garage sale or flea market!) she can get away with this.:rolleyes:


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Yeah, DarkKnight gives me the same thing every year, a homemade carrot cake. I don't have to think about it, or process feelings - I just eat the most delicious gift ever! This works out great. PunkRock spending some of his free time painting my models makes me feel good and not stressed. So we have hit a winner with that too. :) I was ok with the tiara gift, but I honestly do ok with surprise presents and flowers. It's just days like my birthday, Christmas, Valentines, etc with expectations surrounding them that make me go wonky.

Yesterday was our first Fall co-op meetup. I taught Rainforest Explorers in the first session - to 5-7 year olds - and then co-taught Scrapbooking to 3 teens in the 2nd session. It was a lot of fun! The main topic was FROGS! in the first class. I read a book to the kids, then we did a craft and played a jumping game. Good times! What is even more awesome though is that after class, later on last night, I was talking to PunkRock about my topic in next week's get-together and I had decided on SNAKES! - you know, anacondas and pythons, etc. I had forgotten, but the snake he owns is from the rainforest! So he volunteered to bring it in and answer questions. The kids are going to be SO excited. I messaged all the moms (there are 10 kids in my class) to make sure they would be ok. We are going to feed it and I didn't want any traumatized kiddos. It looks like they should all be fine, so it's a go. I was so touched that PunkRock would be willing to help out. DarkKnight has been involved with co-op in the past - he taught a class on computers - and it just feels awesome to have my homeschooling duties shared in this way.

Oh - the snake is a green tree Python.

Last night, PunkRock and I packed up our WarMachine stuff and spent 3 hours at a local game store. We had a pitched battle and I won. It was SO close though. It's been fun to grow and share my fuck ups with PunkRock, as he does the same with this game! The guy running the store told us he has some WarMa players come in on Wednesday nights, so we are going to try a game or two there soon. This game store is in Waynesboro, PA, like 20 minutes away. Much closer than PunkRock's store in Glen Burnie!

Which, as a matter of fact, is where we are going tonight. I think I mentioned earlier there is a birthday dinner to attend, and then we hope to get another game in, if we can. I believe we are leaving here in the late afternoon. I am hosting strategic game club for 8 teenagers today at my house, so we will leave after that. They are doing Magic: the Gathering, which I don't play, so it shouldn't be to difficult to supervise. A couple of the teens are running it - it is great to see them take initiative.

DarkKnight and I had a sleepover last night and I hope to have lunch with him today, before game club starts. I miss him a bit! He was snuggly last night though, and silly this morning.

I have to shower in a bit and then take my son to work. After, I am running errands and hopefully I will have time to color my hair. PunkRock has requested a more intense red and my roots need a touch up, so now is the time!