Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Bluebird

Well-known member
Not likely! Actually, PunkRock sure couldn't work at a brewery either. He came home the other day and got all bent out of shape because he didn't expect the beer making to be going on - he thought it was going to be happening at the family farm, as it had the last few times. I know I told him it was going to be here, but he didn't remember. The smell bothered him and he was upset that the kitchen was full of noise and activity. He was moving his wet laundry into the dryer when I realized he had arrived home, and I was talking to him from a seated position in the same bathroom when he abruptly walked out and shut the door in my face, mid sentence. He went downstairs to his paint area in the basement - in the dark.

This obviously triggered me to wonder what the hell I had said! I went right down and told him I needed him to not be so rude and to explain to me what was going on in his head. He hugged me for a few minutes and apologized and then shared his displeasure with the situation. He said he had plans that evening to move items from the garage to the basement, but now he couldn't, because that would mean moving through the kitchen and it would disturb DarkKnight.

The two of us went out to dinner instead. We visited a new Caribbean restaurant that was serving Haitian food and everything tasted good - we will probably go there again. I thought it was best if we removed ourselves from the stress at the house - at least stress that PunkRock was feeling, as DarkKnight was having the time of his life! PunkRock says he thinks he just needs to get used to living with people and realize that not everyone will have the same schedule.

After dinner we met up with DarkKnight at the Art for the Animals opening reception. I was surprised that both my guys already had bids on their paintings! Mine didn't have squat. Pffft! Actually, I am not concerned - bidding lasts all month. :) it was nice to look at all the different artwork.

When we arrived back home, the smell was still terrible, but we opened our bedroom windows and after a while it cleared out. PunkRock thinks that DarkKnight was inconsiderate because he hadn't opened any of the windows downstairs during the brewing, but he didn't discuss this with DarkKnight. I told DarkKnight myself, when I came home from the tea, that he needed to open windows. I didn't see him as being inconsiderate, I saw it as him being distracted and not bothered by the smell himself. Ah, love. It definitely changes a person's perception of events!

Things are ok now. Yesterday morning PunkRock and I had sexy times TWICE - the first I initiated, the second he did. That was pretty great, I must say! We haven't had a back-to-back session in a while. Both times were amazing for me, and for him too.

Lunch date was with both my guys at Quiznos. I left straight from there for my afternoon plans, so the guys were together when I left, talking about baking bread from the spent grains that DarkKnight had saved back from his brewing the day prior.

I spent the afternoon with a new meetup group for girl gamers in Frederick - we played my copy of Betrayal at House on the Hill and all of us lost to a blob. Fun times! Then we played a game called Guillotine which I immediately ordered on Amazon. The last game was Forbidden Island, and I wish I had the money, because it was even more fun. We all lost that one too, but it was a great cooperative game that I think would be great for the teen strategic board game club that I host twice a month.

I enjoyed hanging out with the new ladies and I hope to attend these every month.

When I came home, DarkKnight encouraged me to try his bread, and it was very thick and dense and very hearty. PunkRock described it to be like the type of bread you'd eat on a quest in Lord of the Rings - slap a slab of cheese with it and that's your meal. DarkKnight is enthusiastic now about trying different recipes.

We decided to all have dinner out together at the Chinese buffet, so that was a good time as well. Overall my day yesterday was really awesomesauce. PunkRock spent the evening moving his stuff to the basement, and I snuggled up with DarkKnight and then wore my tiara and organized my jewelry armoire. I own more bracelets than any 5 ladies combined, I think! Anyway, later I had sexy times with DarkKnight in the bedroom. I got my period in the afternoon, so that made yesterday the start of blowjob week! :)

PunkRock had to get up for work at 2:30 this morning, so he was up and out the door before I was even awake. DatkKnight left my bedroom around 5 am, I think. He's been walking a mile before work every day, and at lunchtime, following by 3 or 4 miles after dinner. He's pretty amazing with this entire 100 mile challenge. I, however, made it up to about 11 miles and quit. I might start back up, but yeah, I hate walking! I also stopped counting calories again but plan to get back with that starting today. I will be going grocery shopping this afternoon, so I will make good choices with that!
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
When life gives you beer brewing, make LotR bread! :)
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Today was a busy one. I took my son to work in the morning, and then camped out at Starbucks until noon, working on my Astronomy lesson for tomorrow. Then I drove across town to Sally Beauty Supply, in search of orange hair dye. I had decided to do something crazy, but unfortunately they didn't have any. Fuck - they had like 30 shades of red, 6 or 7 purples - but no orange. So, I did the best I could and came home with an "intense copper red." I am going to have my daughter color it tomorrow morning! We will see how it goes. :)

After the shopping, I had my eyebrows done, because damn, I was way beyond beginning to look like Sasquatch. Seriously - they were overgrown and awful. Now, all waxed and I feel human again!

PunkRock is working the 4 am to 12:30 pm shift every day this week, so I drove home for a quick visit before going to pick my son back up from work. We had lunch together, and played a quick game of Guillotine before I spent a half hour organizing some of the garage and then another 30 minutes pruning bushes in the front yard. Then, grocery shopping with DarkKnight when he got off of work, back out to pick up my daughter, who had been staying with a friend for four days, and then I picked up pizzas for dinner.

Whew! I'm tired from just typing all that! After dinner we had a family game night, and we played 3 games of Guillotine in a row before calling it a night, because PunkRock has to go to bed early since he has a 2 am wake up call.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Insecurity - discussion last night with both my guys (separately). I think about a year ago I wrote how DarkKnight said if he could change one thing about me, it would be my insecurity. Well, things haven't changed. I am still plagued with it. A good deal of the time I feel awesome, empowered, all-around the best ever. :) One of the biggest highs I've had is in dating other guys - knowing that I am valued and wanted makes me feel pretty great. However, I am continually struggling with feeling less than, a lot of the time.

Both of my guys are terrific at boosting me, but I dislike that they need to do so. In talking with DarkKnight yesterday, he says he thinks I've improved a lot with him, but that he believes I've shifted most of my insecurity with our relationship, over to PunkRock.

It's weird because I say all the time how DarkKnight is my rock. I trust him to not hurt me, to care for and support me in everything I wish to do. And he vocalizes all the time how I build up his self-esteem and he doesn't doubt my love for him, ever.

But yeah, I do get wonky. Definitely around my period, but other times too, for sure. I have this deep need to be loved and a disbelief sometimes that someone could love me. PunkRock says it is disconcerting to him sometimes, because I am quick to assume he's going to bail on the relationship, and leave me. Nothing could be further from his mind, but he sees that is my default conclusion. I hate that about myself.

I know I've written about this before. I can't remember what the outcome was then. This is not about making my relationships stronger. It's about making me stronger. Back to reading self-help books...

In other news, I have been concentrating on the independent living plan for my son. I hope to have some serious sit-down time over the next week to focus more on making a detailed list on what we need to accomplish to launch him successfully. He told me yesterday that he is afraid he won't be able to handle college and living alone again. Since that was the combo that caused him to become homeless years ago, he is right to be concerned. I need to find some wrap-around resources...

I am going to be coloring my hair here in a short bit. Nervous about it looking too cray-cray, and feeling too old to have a youthful insane pop of color. Then I think, well, it's not like you'll be younger tomorrow! Now is the youngest I'll ever be from now into the future. :)
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Focusing on my son today - he took me out to lunch and I drove him to buy new bedding. He's having his hair cut at the moment. We've been discussing long term planning again, and I've made a list of things to do now, so we can get him one step closer to reaching his goals. He really does want to be independent, but there is so much to work on.

Today we've had a good conversation about his education. The NOW step that needs to be taken is to have his major at college officially changed, and a new credit allocation report done, so we know how many more classes he needs to graduate. I am going to do this online this afternoon. We talked about him maybe going to school full time, but he was very hesitant and nervous about his anxiety getting in the way. I told him to think about it - we don't have to have him enroll this spring, but maybe have it be a goal for next Fall. Right now he has to pay out of pocket for everything - going full time would open up financial aid opportunities that would probably reduce his cost to almost zero. Also, he'd be finished much faster than his one class a semester program works, that's for sure!

We'll see.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Vulnerability. I really, really need to work on becoming better at accepting this within myself. I am such a control freak. Nothing in particular is really prompting me to write this - things are wonderful here - but I find myself still borrowing trouble and worrying about the what ifs and maybe this will happens. I need to stop this.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Yeah, I have her Gifts of Imperfection book. Her newest one is on my Amazon wish list. A lot of what she says resonates with me.
 
Yeah, I have her Gifts of Imperfection book. Her newest one is on my Amazon wish list. A lot of what she says resonates with me.

This morning I was thinking about my therapy session this past Thursday where I had told my therapist that I was working on being brave and doing things, such as being more demonstrative with friends, that I've always wanted to do but haven't because of the walls I've built around myself, mostly from fear. I thought "I guess my new motto is 'lean into the fear.'" It then took me a few minutes to figure out where I've read that recently before realizing Brene Brown says something similar over and over again in her book.

I think, for me at least, her book resonates so much with me because she talks about how she struggles with all of these things, so she seems more real and I can trust her more than I'd trust someone who presented themselves as perfect and not really needing the help they are offering as a solution.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
On a semi-related note, visit Wikipedia's Wabi-sabi article. I often find myself, when I catch myself beating myself up over some small mistake, falling back on the mantra, "Wabi-sabi ... Wabi-sabi ..."
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I think where I really fall short is that I worry more about what could possibly happen, rather than being anxious over what is actually happening. Seriously, I get worked up over possible events in the future where I will have no control or that could make me feel uncomfortable. And 95% probably never happen. I am just not okay with the idea of being vulnerable.

I spend time - I waste time - thinking out all these scenarios and what ifs that never even happen. I think that coming up with possible solutions helps me be in control, but really, it just makes me feel out of control now. Sigh.

I used to get a handle on things by compartmentalizing but lately that has disappeared from my skill set for some reason.
 
I think where I really fall short is that I worry more about what could possibly happen, rather than being anxious over what is actually happening.

Me too. It is a source of irritation to me. I've come to accept it and now find it to be an advantage sometimes - even if it is annoying. I have been that way since I was a baby. Always worrying about what might happen.

I do a job now where an ability to think through possible consequences and think of ways to deal with them is a huge asset - I'm good at that sort of thing. I have a lifetime of practise.

An ability to consider and worry about what could happen has helped me to deal with situations in my personal life that otherwise would have gone far more wrong.

I find that keeping my stress levels down, spending time with adventurous friends, doing and learning new things and reminding myself that almost always the dreadful things I imagine don't happen all helps to keep it under control.

As does losing many of those closest to me in a short period of time. Now if things aren't life threatening, I don't tend to worry about them.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I've had a good weekend so far.

Friday I hosted a goodbye party for one of my dearest friends who is moving to Florida. She leaves in November. Though she is fairly religious, she's always accepted me being poly and was actually the first person I told. I am going to miss her so much!

The party was successful - we all sang karaoke and had a lot of fun hanging out together. A good number of people were there, and my house was hot! DarkKnight was in his room for most of the time, but PunkRock was around here and there. Actually, he was busy installing a cage in our basement - his brother, LordTenderHeart, went to another state for work training - so we will be caring for his parrot for a month.

I was concerned for PunkRock because he had to be up at the asscrack of dawn for work the next day and we didn't get the house quiet until after 1 am. But he was fine. Things have been going ok for him there, and I think he is happy with his new job. So that's good.

Yesterday, he slept almost the entire day after coming home from work. He kept snoring and kicking me, so I gave up trying to sleep myself, so I watched a marathon of Season 3 InkMaster on the computer in his bedroom all day. It was very relaxing to just do nothing! I finally woke up PunkRock at dinner time and we both got dressed to take my daughter to a Geek Homecoming organized by the county library system. The idea was to dress as a book character. She was Tris from the book, Divergent. She looked smokin hot in black combat boots, black leggings and a black cami. I gave her Tris' bird tattoos on her collarbone with a sharpie. I can hardly believe how grown up she is. My baby isn't little anymore!

Anyway, we dropped my daughter off with her friends, and then PunkRock and I had a date night at Starbucks. We talked a lot about vulnerability, and past relationships where our hearts were broken. We also discussed finances and planning. We have a lot to do to get things in order for our move, but thankfully that is still a year and a half out, at the shortest. It was hard being open about my shortcomings, but he was really great about being open about his own as well.

I usually have a serious finance meeting with DarkKnight at the beginning of the year in January. I think I might move it up and have it in November. Our health insurance is always updated then, and planning our medical expenditures is a significant part of our discussion this time because of my braces. PunkRock has some credit things we will need to address before we move - as do I and DarkKnight - so it will be good to lay out a framework of how we are going to work as a unit to get everyone on track and focused on our long term plans. This, more than anything, is helping me feel as though we are a blended poly family.

DarkKnight and I had a sleepover last night, and it was chilly out! So it was nice to be all cuddly with my husband. I really want to share sex last night, but neither of my guys was interested. PunkRock had gotten a new game in the mail - the new Robotech RPG - and DarkKnight was tired. Maybe today! :)
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I applied to be a human canvas on Ink Master. So did DarkKnight and PunkRockAwesomesauce. I am excited to think about us all getting tattooed together. They probably won't call us, but oh well. It was a short form to fill out!

Things are going well this week so far. PunkRock had the day off and pretty much spent the entire time with me, even though he was free and had other plans. I guess he wanted snuggles. :)

I have been re-reading "The Gifts of Imperfection." I really liked this idea, and copied it to my facebook page:

"There are important differences between professing love and practicing love. I don't just want someone who says they love me; I want someone who practices that love for me everyday."

I think that so far, this has been my experience with both DarkKnight and PunkRock. They both live their love for me with both physical touch, acts of service and just making me believe their affection through every interaction.

How very lucky in love I am!
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
So I am planning the finance meeting between PunkRock, DarkKnight and I and now have it on the schedule for Saturday night. I'm not really stressing about it much - DarkKnight and I have these once a year, in January usually. It is a sit-down formal sort of affair where we discuss our goals and the bills and how we plan to pay for everything. There aren't normally any surprises - it's more just a check in on all the important major topics to make sure we're on the same page. I am feeling good about it. I have the outline and most of the bullet points that I think are important. I am going to look at it more today and the email it to both guys, so they can add things or prepare remarks, or get their own paperwork together.

Prepping and thinking about this meeting makes me really feel like we are a solid three and that we can take on anything!
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Whoo hoo! I ordered the new More Than Two poly book this morning. Can't wait to read it.

Lunch date planned today at the Dutch Market with my DarkKnight. We had a wonderful snuggly time together last night and I am just amazed at how much I still love this guy after so many years. I'm buying him some new sneakers this weekend because he's been kicking ass on the 100-mile walking challenge - he blew out his old pair! He's right on track to meet that 100 mile goal by the end of the month. I'm so very proud of him! Me, however - I gave up and have barely crested 10 miles. I'm just not a walker. I like other types of exercise much better. :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Exercise is very important, yes yes. ;)

I've heard "More Than Two" is like, 500 pages long, though they say it's worth it. Let me know what you think of it once you get into it!
 
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