Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Bluebird

Well-known member
So...I went to the doctor on Wednesday afternoon, because I had some itching/burning since the previous Friday, that didn't abate with an over the counter Monistat kit. I was figuring a regular annoying yeast infection, but rather than just request a prescription by phone, I wanted to see a doctor because I still hadn't seen an allergist and needed a referral. (I had a terrible reaction to fish sauce in a Thai curry a while back.)

The doctor asked for a urine sample, and they told me right away that I had blood in my urine.

Yesterday I got a call that all the cultures came back NEGATIVE. I did not have a yeast infection. I also did not have bacterial vaginosis or a urinary tract infection. I don't have a fever or any abdominal pain.

Amazingly enough, the burning has stopped and so has the itching. I figure I probably did have a yeast infection, but it had been cured by the time I went in to see about it. However, I am starting to freak out about the blood in the urine.

I have a follow up appointment on Monday. It's beginning to consume my thoughts and I can't seem to shut off the idea that something is terribly wrong.

As a counterpoint, I went out for trivia with my friends last night, and we came in first place. I actually knew one major answer worth six points right away, which was instrumental in us keeping the lead, and for the final question, I also knew the answer immediately when no one else did. That made me feel awesome!

This is going to be a busy weekend. PunkRock works until 1 pm today, and then he and I are going to the bank to set him up a checking account. He has one now, but the closest branch is 20 minutes away. He hates driving that far to make deposits, so he is switching to my bank. He's going to mirror what DarkKnight has - an individual checking account, and then share a joint account with me - the 3 of us will be on one account. I am used to paying all of the household bills, so he will be able to transfer the majority of his paycheck directly to me this way, so I can better handle regular, ongoing expenses like car insurance, cell phones, rent, utilities, etc. His individual account will be for his personal costs and gift buying. :)

After the bank, he is due for an oil change, so we'll go do that. My daughter has a teen dance/hangout to attend at 4, but she has a ride home, so we just have to get her there. Afterward I have to meet a friend and her boyfriend, for her birthday. She doesn't have any concrete plans yet, so I am unsure as to which guy to take with me. Probably DarkKnight, as PunkRock doesn't drink. It depends on the plans. I don't think either guy would mind being left at home. Lol

Saturday, again Punk Rock works until the afternoon, and then the 3 of us are going to have our financial meeting. We also need to go to the mall, as both guys need new sneakers, and PunkRock is taking responsibility for our cell phone account - his work gives us a 25% discount if he's the primary person on it, which equals out to $50 off each month! I think our plan is to have a group dinner out tomorrow night as well. My daughter is going to a midnight Rocky Horror Picture Show event, so at some point I need to get home to help her dress. She's going as Magenta.

Well, the alarm went off and I need to give PunkRock some snuggles. I will stop writing here. :)
 
I loved More Than Two, I think it's my new favorite poly book. I loved the way they used examples top illustrate their points, both from their lives and from people writing Franklin about their stories. Our local support group had a question and answer session with them before a book signing this week on Monday (I didn't go) and then a fundraising dinner for our group on Tuesday with them, which I did go to. Franklin and Eve seem very nice and very down to earth. I sometimes find his website comes off as pedantic and like he knows everything. The book does not have that feel and in person he doesn't either. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Re:
"I sometimes find his website comes off as pedantic and like he knows everything. The book does not have that feel and in person he doesn't either."

That sounds promising to me, as I am probably going to get "More Than Two" eventually and how soon/eagerly will largely depend on informal reviews from people I know.
 

icesong

Moderator
More Than Two is an amazing book. Definitely my favorite poly book right now.
 

A2Poly

New member
Add my vote (not that you know me).
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I'd say 90% of the reviews I've heard totally so far have been good reviews.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Well hell, I ordered More Than Two on Thursday and I got notified this morning that it shipped today. Amazon Prime, my ass! I was planning on it arriving today but instead I have to wait until Monday. Lame.

Last night was fun. Both DarkKnight and PunkRockAwesomesauce ended up going out to dinner with my friend and her boyfriend and I. We got dressed up fancy, and did hibachi. I loves me some yum yum sauce! I had a fruity girl drink and bought one for my friend too. :) After dinner, we came back to my house and played board games until 10 pm. I was bummed we had to quit early, but my son had to be at work this morning and so did PunkRock - his shift started at 6 am. We made another date to hang out on Halloween to play Zombicide.

Other things poly-related - I did want to talk about our banking structure, as others might be interested. We got it all going officially yesterday. We have a joint checking account shared between the 3 of us. Each guy has their own, private individual checking accounts, along with a private savings. They only have the debit card to their private accounts, and I have the debit card to the joint. Each guy has direct deposit of their paycheck into their own private account. On paydays, the guys can instantly transfer cash to the joint one, which I use to pay all of the household expenses and use as my own fun money. The amounts they transfer are determined by what the 3 of us decided was fair, based on their income. DarkKnight pays lots more as he makes lots more. We are going to tweak this as time goes on - actually, we will be discussing this later today at our finance meeting!

Our bank - holla M&T! - has a really great app that we use to monitor balances. I can only see the joint account, but both guys can see their private and joint accounts at a glance. So if needed, they can instantly transfer money to me, or shift money out if they are paying a bill or going grocery shopping for me. (DarkKnight does this a lot!) Or, uh, send me money when I've screwed up my math. (I do this more than I should.)

I like the structure a lot. And I think they both appreciate the privacy they can maintain, but still also like being able to be involved in the daily hum of our group commerce. Which means they can see where I went to lunch each day and that I have an Amazon.com addiction. :) The joys of being a trophy wife to two are legion. :)

We are having a finance meeting today to discuss structuring life insurance, retirement and debt loads. There is so much to talk about! I don't anticipate any strong emotions or conflict. I think we are all pretty much on the same page but this meeting is just to make sure of that and to iron out details. I will post more about it when it's over. I think it might be helpful to others who are living the same sort of PolyFi life to read how others do things.
 

Alan7388

Member
Bluebird,

> and that I have an Amazon.com addiction

Don't forget your public library, just sayin.... Sparkle Moose is on the trustees of our town library and reminds that you can not only get books for free (and they'll often buy a book on request if they don't have it) -- you ALSO have a good home to send it back to so your house doesn't fill up and crowd you out. Where the book will always be available to you again. Like a ginormous storage locker.

Alan M.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
picture.php


W00t! It arrived today, and yes, it's really big!

Alan, I never forget my library, and mostly I use Amazon for other things. My last 5 orders were: the More Than Two book, shoe insoles for PunkRock, the Guillotine card game, Gardenzilla - a Godzilla statue who is eating and dismembering garden gnomes, and the King of Tokyo board game. For books, I always check paperbackswap.com first, because I have lots of credits there and share reading material all the time on their site.
 
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Bluebird

Well-known member
I wanted to type at least one entry about our financial planning meeting, since it pretty much serves as a blueprint/outline/focal point of our lives and because so much of it has changed because of me being poly. Things that were once easy to figure out have become more involved because of me having another partner to plan for and with, long term.

That said, I really benefit from having a yearly planning meeting, where everyone comes together to discuss financial goals. There's just something about writing it all down and seeing it in print that makes it seem attainable, and true.

I typed up as much as I could prior to the meeting, which we held at Red Robin, over dinner last night. Everyone had a copy of it to write on, so they could make notes if needed.

I started out by listing what I thought should be our most important goals, both short term and long term. These were easily agreed on, with not much discussion. We have been working on them all already to varying degrees, but this was the first time they were assembled in one place and we all said yes.

*Accumulating enough savings to handle an emergency
*Launch the kids out of our house successfully
*Getting out of debt
*Adequate retirement planning
*Taking care of parents if needed
*Moving

2 years out:

*Purchasing an RV and new vehicles
*Buying a commercial/industrial property and converting it to residential
*Furthering education
*Potentially starting a business

I then had detailed all of the anticipated deposits each month, and listed all of the amounts we currently pay out to bills. We had discussion on a few, as to why they cost what they did. We will be restructuring our cell phone plan once again - in December - and upgrading our Internet speed as well. Overall, we agreed to what will be considered a family expense, to be paid from our joint checking account by me:

Groceries, gas for both vehicles, electric, heat, cell phones, Internet, garbage, water & sewer, car insurance, rent, life insurance premiums, medical copays, my braces and dental copays, vet bills, vacations, car maintenance and repairs, clothing.

Discussion surrounding my kiddos - my son needs financial aid paperwork done now so he can go to school full time in the Spring, and my daughter will be taking one class at the local community college in the Spring as well. We are going to be cashing in her life insurance policy to cover the cost. That will save us $300 a year in premiums, so that is good. The amount she doesn't need right away will go into a savings account. (Her life insurance policy is not large as it was started when she was 12 and we adopted her. It hasn't had much time to accumulate much value. Still it will help!) They will both need cars before we move, so we have planned out a schedule for my son to save enough for a vehicle, but my daughter can wait a little longer - she still needs to actually finish up the required hours to get a license and take Driver's Ed. (She's a junior in high school.)

Health insurance was a category for which we only had a partial plan. PunkRock should be getting dental and vision coverage through his new job, but he is iffy on medical insurance. We will be looking into ObamaCare next year if he doesn't get picked up full time at his job. In the meantime, we just hope he doesn't get super sick, I guess. Still it's a short period, so we will just have to hope the risk isn't too bad.

I am covered under DarkKnight's policy, and we are waiting for mid-November to re-evaluate our current plan.

I am going to research living wills and medical power of attorney and have that set up by May of next year.

To be continued in part 2!
 
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Bluebird

Well-known member
Part 2 continued!

Life insurance was a biggie. For the longest time on DarkKnight's policy, I have been primary and my oldest daughter was secondary, with the idea that she would take over care of her younger sister if something happened. Now that my baby is almost grown, that plan doesn't makes sense.

Upon looking over the numbers, we've decided to supplement DarkKnight's existing whole life policy with some term insurance, with me as primary and PunkRock as secondary. PunkRock is going to purchase term insurance as well, with me as primary and DarkKnight as secondary. The idea is that once the kids are on their own, life insurance should be used to support me, should one of the guys pass away. And if two of us should die, then my remaining spouse should have income to support our homestead as well.

Right now DarkKnight has an existing loan against his whole life policy, which we are planning to pay off in November, so there are no complications or reductions of benefit.

PunkRock has been smoke free for about a month now, but he will be in the high risk pool for insurance for a year. Unfortunately, he has other health issues that will keep him in other high risk categories forever. Anyway, his term insurance is expensive, so we are going to purchase his next Fall, when prices will drop due to the cigarettes being gone completely.

As far as retirement, PunkRock will hopefully be able to start contributing to a fund once he gets some time in at his new job. DarkKnight has an okay sized 401(k) that is growing satisfactorily. At the present time, I'm the only beneficiary listed. We have decided to add all 3 of my kids as equal secondaries, so if DarkKnight and I pass together, the 3 of them will have a small inheritance. I was really touched that DarkKnight wanted to include my oldest two children, as I am sure their father has made exactly zero provisions for them in the future.

None of us have wills, but I will address that once we get all of this other stuff done.

I talked to both of my daughters tonight, explaining these changes. I will talk to my son tomorrow, so then, they all know what our structure is and that we have made plans.

We have also decided to take a loan against DarkKnight's existing 401(k), to pay back the life insurance loan and pay off his student loan. The interest rate on the life insurance loan is high, and when we ran the numbers, it made sense to do this. We are also going to get some vehicle repairs done and buy a new bed. (All 3 of us are suffering right now as my King bed is 9 years old and needs replacement ASAP.) The good thing about this loan is that DarkKnight will pay it back with interest to himself directly from his paycheck. The bad thing is that I will have less each pay period to use as fun money, but we are serious about paying down our debt and this is the best way we can structure it at the moment.

I feel really good after this meeting - that all of us are working toward a common goal, and we are united as a family.

That said, it is painfully obvious that as a stay at home, homeschooling mom, I have been unable to contribute to the long term financial health of our polycule, but that was a choice that DarkKnight and I made years ago when we decided to adopt older children. My focus has always been on helping my kiddos heal from their traumatic past and move forward as best as possible as adults. So in that, I continue to contribute. When this phase is finished, I will launch myself into my next life, whatever that will be!
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
So, I've made it to Chapter 8 in the More Than Two book. I find it a very easy read, and I like the conversational style. Right now the problem I am having with it is that there are phrases and paragraphs I want to earmark to go over later, but I have no post-it flags! There are some seriously great ideas and thoughts in this book! Honestly, chapter 5 on insecurity was worth the price alone, for me. I think others will feel the same - not necessarily that they will find chapter 5 helpful, but that other readers will find a chapter that really speaks to the issue they are struggling with at that moment. The thoroughness of this book is a real strength.

I brought it up at dinner tonight that I have been liking the book, and my positive feelings about reading the information on insecurity. PunkRockAwesomesauce said, very matter-of-factly, "You aren't insecure about either of us leaving you for another woman. You're insecure about us just leaving." I asked DarkKnight tonight while we were cuddling, and he says he 100% agrees. I have to admit they are correct.

I can't really picture someone leaving me because they find someone more attractive, smarter, a better fuck, etc. I am not threatened by that because I have no fear that those ladies exist - they absolutely do, and with poly, it's like, why could I fault my man from wanting to experience a relationship like that? And I can't. I just think, that's awesome. I don't feel like I would be losing in a comparison, because I don't compare my guys like that and find one of them faulting and less worthy of my attention. I can't think of them doing the same. Sure, I might be thinking - holy hell, that chick is a super model, how could he ever stand to look at me, when he can look at that all day?! But I wouldn't be afraid of him choosing to leave me. My guys love me and I feel comfortable with that.

No, I am insecure of them just deciding they are done with me, not because of comparisons, but just because they don't like ME. Because of who I am as a person, some trait that is essential to my being and it has just become intolerable.
 

A2Poly

New member
We got it on Kindle, and all used different coloured highlighting. Then discussed each chapter as the slowest of us read it (Him! My metamour/BFF and I finished it waaaayyy before he did!) Lots (LOTS) of triggers for me. Some scary. Some not. All worth talking about.

But yes, sticky notes or highlighting, there is a TON of good knowledge in there that should be shared.
 
finances

I really appreciate your sharing about how you have a finance meeting. This is something we are working on and your post here was helpful for us. Thanks!
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Thanks for letting me know my finance posts were helpful! We are still discussing things as the week progresses. Last night PunkRock asked me if anyone had actually added up all the deposits and compared them to the amount going out. That would be a no - I never worry about that, since anything left in the joint account becomes my fun money; I know we aren't in the negative. So I did the math and apparently the amount I have left over each month was surprising to him. He told me that for the last few years, he had been living off of that amount each month.

That instantly put me in a bad place emotionally. He was falling asleep at this point since it was close to midnight, but I asked him to please stay awake and talk that comment through with me. M had once made a similar comment to me, while we were dating, though his was more targeted and had some malice behind it. Or maybe not malice - anger/jealousy maybe? Anyway, M was abrupt and not happy about how I spent my money in what he considered a frivolous way, because he could never do that. I was left feeling really out of sorts at that, because I had no idea how to react to that sort of comment.

PunkRock's comment was not at all negative - just matter-of-fact - but it made me feel judged. I knew that was not his intention, so I directly asked for his attention and care. PunkRock rolled over and hugged me, and we talked a bit. It helped immensely. By the time we were through - about 10 minutes or so - I was feeling much better.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Date night last night with PunkRockAwesomesauce. We went to two different mattress stores and checked out options. My current mattress set is 9 years old and lumpy as fuck. So, we plan to buy a new box spring and mattress in the next couple of weeks. I really can't afford to spend more than $2000, and I would be much more comfortable with $1300.

The first place had us lie on a bed and their computer program gave us 6 different in-store options based on our height/weight and the positions we sleep in. I joked that what the computer was really doing was looking up our credit scores to see what we could afford, because damn. Three Memory foam mattresses, starting at $6000, and the only mattress we really liked was a hybrid and cost $3600. One was in my price range, but it was the worst option. Still, the experience was interesting and I want to take DarkKnight there to see what it recommends for the two of us.

At the second store, the salesman was incredibly smarmy. He didn't hook us up to the computer tester, though it was there. He just asked us what type we preferred, had us lay on 3 different options and then tried to get me to give him money down the remainder of the time. I told him that I had another partner and he tried to convince me that DarkKnight would be happy with whatever bed I chose. I was like, uh, NOPE. He was really pushy, but the price was good. Rather, his sale price - $1799 with free delivery and free boxspring - was the exact same as everywhere online - $1499 with free delivery and $300 boxspring.

Mattress shopping is such a drag, but it was fun with PunkRock. I hope to check out at least two more stores today, if time permits. I am not optimistic about finding a set that will work for all 3 of us, as I like extra-firm, PunkRock wants firm and DarkKnight is a softie. All I know is that these salespeople be trippin if they think I am apt to spend this much money without including everyone in the decision and just a 5 minute demo. I am going to visit multiple times and lie there for half the damn day.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
One thing that I *think* I am noticing from PunkRock is some sporadic exasperation with DarkKnight. He hasn't said anything directly - to DarkKnight or me - but he's appeared somewhat annoyed at DarkKnight a couple of times, and has called him a "big lummox" the other day. I hope there isn't trouble brewing.

That said, the comment he made was in regard to the fact that PunkRock feels like carving out time to use the washer & dryer is difficult in our household. When he thinks to do his laundry, someone always seems to be already using the machines. The other day, PunkRock had brought down his basket and set it in front of the washer, but then didn't start it, figuring he would put it in the machine before heading out to run an errand. When he returned, DarkKnight had started a load. PunkRock told me this while we were out and about, and expressed his frustration by telling me "some big lummox ignored my basket." I laughed and told him to donkey-call DarkKnight.

I guess some explanation is in order. We do this thing with our friends and family where we will call them, and when they answer the phone, we scream the word "DONKEY!" and hang up. It's juvenile, but somehow hilarious, especially if it is someone who has no idea what it means. It's also not something you do often to people who know about it - the key is doing it sparingly, so the person answering the phone is caught by surprise.

So anyway, PunkRock loved the idea and immediately called DarkKnight. Hilarity ensued and PunkRock seemed to feel better. Then not 3 minutes later, there was a text message from DarkKnight. Of course, we both immediately assumed it would be a donkey-text, but it wasn't. When PunkRock opened the message, DarkKnight asked him if he would like his laundry started in the washer, as there was a basket there.

So that ended really well.


Still, there have been signs of frustration from PunkRock, ones that he hasn't talked to me about. I am going to ask him later today about his feelings. It seems to me that he doesn't like DarkKnight interrupting our together time at all. DarkKnight has breaks from work at 9, 11 and at 2. Since he works from home, he comes and finds me if I happen to be in the house, to check in to see how I am doing. PunkRock appears to not like this if we happen to be snuggling or engaged in an activity together when DarkKnight appears. He is respectful in that he lets us have a moment to touch base, but I don't think he likes it much. We have had a few times where we had just finished up sexy times and we're having aftercare and DarkKnight knocks on the door. He had no idea that we had just been intimate. Last night this happened, and PunkRock and I ignored the knock, which is standard in our household for "leave us alone." But DarkKnight knocked two more times, so I told him to come in and he proceeded to ask about our date night and what I wanted for dinner the next day. None of these were terribly important because I was scheduled to sleep with him last night and he could have asked me then. So I did feel that was not really cool.

Shortly after, when PunkRock had left, I explained to DarkKnight that I didn't appreciate the interruption of my date night. He said that hurt his feelings as his coming in wasn't meant in malice, he just wanted to check in.

To be fair, it's kind of an unspoken rule that my date nights end at 9 pm, and that's when the guys trade off. When DarkKnight knocked, it was 9:15 and he had just returned home from his chorale practice. So he had no idea if I was planning to spend more time with PunkRock and didn't know we had just had sex.

I think maybe I will institute a "sock on the doorknob" signal for both guys - if they see the sock, don't knock.

Of course, I could be imagining that this is an issue, but it did annoy me last night.
 

Mya

Member
Hi Bluebird, I don't think I've commented on your journal before, but I've been reading it for a while. :) I just felt like commenting now about the sock on the doorknob thing, because I also live with two partners and on top of that I have other people visiting me in my room. So, I do use the sock on the doorknob method when I want to make sure I'm not interrupted with knocks. Once I did this when Ray and I were about to have sex and he found this quite funny because it reminded him of student dorms and living with roommates. :D But it's such an efficient way of communicating this thing that I like it. I use it also for other stuff than sex though, when I want to have privacy for any reason. Hope you guys figure it out!
 

WhatToDo

New member
In regardes to mattress shopping you best bet it to do all your shopping in store and then wait and buy online. You just missed a huge Columbus Day sale but mattress places use any excuse for a sale. The only problem you run into is that every store has their own models so you have to do a little research to find a corresponding model.
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
I am not optimistic about finding a set that will work for all 3 of us, as I like extra-firm, PunkRock wants firm and DarkKnight is a softie.

Our last purchase was a FloBed - higher than your price range but they last a LONG time - my friend has had one of hers for over 20 years (Whereas our previous mattress was dead before 10). MrS and I slept on hers when we visited her, which is when he decided we needed one.

You custom design each side of the bed based on firmness, weight, sleeping position. No boxspring and it goes on a European style slat-frame. We saved money by buying a cheap frame - which only lasted 3-years as it wasn't sturdy enough for our...um..."activities". Now the mattress is just on the floor, and still comfier than most beds. (According to the boys, who have back/neck pain - I, personally, can sleep on a bed of nails as long as I have enough pillows:p - convenient as I sleep in the middle.)

Good Luck!
 
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