Someone on a hiking Facebook group I’m a part of made a comment about how much I’ve changed since I first started my map, and I was really confused. Last night I put two photos side by side - the first full-body pic I could find (hike 4) and another from hike 38. They weren’t kidding, and I didn’t even notice! I’m still fat, just less wide across the front in pictures!
Home alone on my day off today, as MisterMoonbeam had to go back into the office for the last day of their audit, and DarkKnight is at work as always. I was up early but I fell back asleep after a bit this morning. Since then I’ve fed the cats lunch and made vet appointments for two of them for the end of the month - Poppy (our blind kitty) is overdue for shots and her checkup, and Milton just turned 7 so it’s time for his baseline senior bloodwork. I also fielded a message from our local branch of the Salvation Army - they asked if I minded them sharing my information out to everyone they see for their Angel Tree program! Their signups are next Thursday, and they only take kids up to age 12, and they want to push out people to me with children aged 13-19, as my Teen Christmas covers that. I find it crazypants that this giant non-profit is looking to me to partner with on this. We usually only cover 50 or so teens, so any influx from them will swamp me for sure.
It looks like the rest of my month is shaping up to be busy! I made an appointment for the van to go into the shop on Monday morning. MisterMoonbeam took it over and it failed emissions testing earlier at the state site, so we got an extension to keep it on the road until December. It will cost $80 for the repair place to let us know exactly what’s wrong and how much it will be to keep going. I’m stressed about it, because as much as we all agree we hate it (it’s a 2010 Kia Sedona with almost 200,000 miles) we really need it available so we can haul stuff to storage and get DarkKnight to work when MisterMoonbeam needs to drive our newer car to his office in Dulles. Fuck.
I honestly have been stressing because we really need to have this repair cost come in at less than $300. That will allow us to keep it on the road through next year. I’m going to be working on improving MisterMoonbeam’s credit in the meantime. Right now he couldn’t really qualify for a car payment, in spite of his 6-figure salary. If we can keep it going til like March, we might be able to have the LLC finance the purchase! DarkKnight has excellent credit and a low debt load, so he could probably go get a second new car right now, but I want to not do that, with the building purchase hopefully happening soon. I don’t want to get him tied up with more expenses. If this van can’t get repaired to pass emissions testing, I think we will sell it in December, and maybe rent a car for December for MisterMoonbeam? Sigh. I don’t know. I guess I will worry about this on Monday. Forget about it for now!
I guess MisterMoonbeam and I will be meeting with our finance people at the building we are interested in, on Friday morning. I’ve seen this place before, with DarkKnight. I talked to our realtor today and she’s got us scheduled. We might also go and see the other building we’ve all seen multiple times - the one with the lake in the basement. Lol We keep coming back to it, and the financing people have never seen it.
I’m so anxious today! I have a lot of paperwork to do tonight and a few more things to add to our schedule and plan. A woman we have been helping to get dentures will be getting those finally on next Wednesday, and I’m taking her to get a makeover - a new outfit, getting her hair done, and hopefully makeup too. I have donors and a stylist all ready to go, but not a makeup artist yet. I’m excited for her, but I will be transporting her around and figuring out what’s up soon.
Also, my annual filing with the state now has to be done online and it’s giving me fits. I’m hoping to figure that out tonight. I submitted it via email, but they reached out last week and said they need me to create an online account in their new portal. So yeah, that’s tonight for sure.
Plus, on Tuesday I have a local medical group volunteering to help with emptying and organizing our Blessing Box storage unit, which was upended when it was broken into a while back. I need to purchase another set of shelves and more bins if I can. They are coming on Tuesday afternoon to assist with that.
What else? I’m still supposed to be working on our State of the Union, but I haven’t been able to do much this week so far. Everyone is swamped and I am exhausted. I’m also still super emotional about my birthday next week. My plan was to run off and escape - maybe do a solo trip to NYC - but now that I have the dentures thing on Wednesday, it’s not possible to schedule. I feel really defeated.
I have accomplished everything I set to do today so far, so yay?
Ugh. I had ONE drink last night and here I am with a hangover this morning. I went to a munch at a place in Frederick and ordered a hot buttered rum. It was delicious, but now I am paying the price. I need to leave in literal minutes to go look at a building and I seriously want to die. Headache and nausea- can’t think of a better combination!
MisterMoonbeam & I decided to forgo flying to Michigan next month, and instead we are going to drive! We figured a road trip where we could stop along the way and visit more cat cafes would be fun. We’re making the trip to see his brother’s family over a long weekend, so this will insure we have transportation while there, and since we are staying at his brother’s place, the cost will be lowered considerably. Plane tickets were going to be about $800 and the estimate on gas was $200 round trip.
Which is great, because we also paid for our hotel rooms in Philadelphia for our December trip to PAX, and those were fucking financially painful. Almost a grand. I surprised him with tickets earlier this month so those are already paid for - I got Friday, Saturday and Sunday badges. We decided to check in to the hotel on Thursday night so we are good to go the next day. It was an additional $250, but it made sense.
He also asked me about having dinner one night with his comet partner - he hasn’t seen her since Covid started. She’s excited to meet me, and I am excited to meet her. We are all going to just have dinner one night, if the schedule will allow it. She lives in Philly, so it makes sense. He had tried to previously meet up with her when we were in town for Hamilton last Fall but she was busy, and he invited her to the pagan prom thing we did earlier this year, but she had some medical stuff going on then. Hopefully it will work out!
We did get to go see the building this morning that we are interested in, and our financing partners seemed very excited and into it. We are now waiting for them to get back to us with what they are willing to cover for us. It sounds very promising after we had conversations earlier and we were able to see all of the property this time. Also, one of the storefronts contains a business that we would be displacing, and we talked to the business owner. Our financing peeps connected with him and offered to rent him space up the street in another building that they own, which actually sounds like it’s an amazing fit for him. He was excited, and I am very happy to not be a jerkface by kicking him out. Lol
Our realtor is actually out of town at a funeral, so I am going to reach out about making an offer on Monday, after we get the go ahead from our financing partners. I really hope this works out, we need to get a move on!
I have a coffee date this afternoon with my friend who used to own a gym - I don’t remember if I ever gave him a name here. I’m going to leave shortly and hang out with him a bit - and talk about life insurance - and then come home to shower. MisterMoonbeam and I are going to a play party tonight sponsored by the rope group he joined earlier this year and I am sooooo excited. I’m not sure what I am wearing yet. There’s another play party tomorrow night that’s Ren Faire themed that I really want to attend but that’s two in a row and he has a paper due on Sunday night. Lol We agreed to see how it goes. Same thing for tonight - the party is til 2 am, so we’re not sure if we should get a hotel room or drive home. We’re going to see how we feel.
My back has been begging for relief since Friday night! MisterMoonbeam had me in the stocks for the first time ever, and apparently as fun as it was to be bent over and flogged, my back is too old to take it! Seriously - I was spanked on a paddling bench too, and as much as my ass was feeling bruised afterward, the pain in my back has persisted. No one’s fault at all, other than not realizing I’m ancient and creaky and my spine is a piece of shit!
So yeah, I had a fun time at the Playhouse on Friday, though we stayed less than 3 hours total. I felt really connected to MisterMoonbeam, as he was very much getting a feel for what my tolerance levels were, and what I do and don’t enjoy with impact play. He surprised me with a harness that wrapped around my stomach and he tied each of my thighs down from it. I didn’t get a photo but it was cool AF and I wore it the entire night up until we left. He said he will tie it on me again at home so I can share it on Fet. Next time he said we can do some role play and have fun in their jail cell there. Excited!!!
Saturday was the Pagan Pride event in Frederick and that was an entertaining time as well. My bestie met up with me and DarkKnight & MisterMoonbeam, and we drove from our house to the location. SirGawain met us there (he was just a little late) and we had a good hangout, followed by lunch at Mayta. MisterMoonbeam bought me a flower unicorn crown, and I got some trinkets.
Today I am kicking ass with paperwork and trying to get my end-of-year Blessing Box programs lined up and ready to go. Right now I am collecting coats and winter items for a giveaway in October, as well as Halloween costumes and Fall decor. Our Senior Santa program signups are ready to go, now until October 15, and October 2 will be our teen Christmas sign ups. I am also collecting Christmas trees and holiday decorations. Our denture recipient has Covid, so all of that is delayed - from her pickup to her makeover with new hair, makeup and clothing!
Oh, and I should get a spreadsheet this afternoon from our finance people about the building we want to make an offer on tomorrow. They did like it and they are willing to fund us. I just need to see their numbers! I hope this one works out. I know I am tired of looking and want to be moving forward with remodeling and moving into our new place. This building is prominent downtown and is over 7,000 square feet. It has two storefronts, two separate apartments on the second floor, and a potential two more on the third floor, but we plan to not do anything with those right away.
I had a busy day today! People were here lots and it was great to be able to help so many.
My finance people are now redoing the spreadsheet - our realtor let us know that the property owner has a CRAZYPANTS lease signed with their new tenant downstairs. Like, at half the market rent for 5 years. Uh, wtf? No wonder no one is buying. So recalculations are happening and I am pretty aggravated. We might walk away.
I had to prompt MisterMoonbeam to get me his IRS info a few times last night. So far he’s paid off a little less than half of his debt to them, and he owes almost 5 figures more still. This year was the first time he didn’t add a new balance to the amount owed because he got his withholding sorted out and I had him pay off the 2021 total completely in one go. I’m hoping he doesn’t end up owing on his taxes this year! These numbers really suck.
I’m glad he finally pulled up the totals, because the payments being taken out of his bank account apparently stopped a few months ago, and they’re confusing. Anyway, he’s going to have to call today and see what’s going on. He tried sorting it out on the website, but the only option they are allowing him is to either pay off the entire amount in one go - not happening - or to accept over $2000 in penalties and fees and start a pretty hefty monthly payment plan.
Ignoring this has not served him well. I’m glad they haven’t started garnishing his wages.
These amounts combined with his $20,000+ student loan debt have me stressed out, and we still have to pull up all of the medical debt he is still carrying and making payments on. He gets anxious when I start talking about it, but combining our finances requires full transparency. He has soooo much debt. It’s definitely daunting. He’s got two loans against his 401(k) too but at least those he’s been paying on!
As we get a handle on this stuff, I can see him getting calmer about it. His anxiety and depression after his wife passed just culminated in him sticking his head in the sand on a lot of issues. I’m glad he trusts me enough to address this together. I’ve looked at parts of his debts before, but this is the first time we are laying out a complete picture of his finances.
We are also facing a new car payment, which has me concerned. We took his van to the shop, as it failed emissions testing a bit ago. We have an extension til mid-December to get it addressed, but yesterday’s look-over made us realize the van is not going to stay with us past that point. Estimate is $800-$1100+ and we are just done. All of us really hate this vehicle already, as it’s dirty, has no air conditioning, and has a gas flap that doesn’t work without pulling on a cable from the inside back of the van. It’s 12 years old and has super high mileage. It needs to go.
He’s lucky he’s got a hefty salary and is getting a big raise super soon. Yesterday was the first day in his new position as acting manager of his department, and he’s still unsure about exactly how much they’re going to be paying him, and when. He’s got a meeting on Thursday with his director. We’ll see.
I am in SUCH a funk today. Another depressing day where I can’t seem to get my shit together emotionally. I only got out of bed because a volunteer called and alerted me to some stuff at a nearby thrift shop that I could definitely use. So I dressed, went over and spent like $90, then went downtown to the new witchy shop and spent $80 there on a candle and an advent calendar. I had lunch at a local sub shop and then came home and sat like a lump on the couch.
MisterMoonbeam gave me hugs and sang to me, and encouraged me to at least shower. He also reminded me that I had signed up to attend a munch tonight as a maybe, and said that he would go. So I’m doing laundry now and I’m squeaky clean.
I still don’t really know about going out but we will see. I need to make a decision here soon though! Maybe it will help.
Tomorrow I will be 45. That age doesn’t bother me too much. I still feel good about it. I’m thinking about some sort of giveaway tomorrow at the Blessing Box that I can sponsor. Maybe have people pop balloons to win gift cards. My other thought was to do a free pizza dinner. I’ve done those before - anyone that randomly shows up between 11 and 12, they get to order a free large 1-topping pizza, which I pick up in a fat stack from Papa Johns and bring home. Then the people come back and get at like 5 or so. It’s expensive, but people enjoy it.
The munch was a good time. It was very different than the one I went to in Frederick last week. I actually had never gone to one with MisterMoonbeam, so it was interesting! Almost the entire event, he was seated next to me with his arm around the back of my chair, or he had his arm around my shoulders. He came off as extremely possessive, I think. It confused me, because I figured he would want to be more independent at these sorts of events!
It was my overnight with DarkKnight, so I texted MisterMoonbeam after and told him how his behavior surprised me. I wasn’t upset about it, but it took me aback. He replied that 1) he felt socially uncomfortable and 2) it was physically comfortable for him to stretch his arm out. Oh, and that the first dude that arrived gave him “a weird vibe.”
That dude identified as a daddy dom, and I felt like he was into me. His words and actions seemed appropriate and measured. At no time did he make me feel unsafe or that he was sharing anything that wasn’t cool. He also was seated two people down from me so it wasn’t like he was monopolizing conversation or being anything but casually friendly.
I don’t really feel like the vibe that MisterMoonbeam was giving off was that we date independently. I felt like his close proximity combined with him physically touching me almost the entire time came off like either I was his property or we were a unicorn-hunting sort of couple. I am currently trading messages on Fet with a woman who was there, and her opening send was that it would be nice to see “you and your guy” again. When I told her we usually weren’t together at munches, she said she didn’t realize. Lol I’m sure she didn’t - like I said, MisterMoonbeam was up in my business the entire event.
That said, I’m not mad or anything. I’m still just kind of confused about his behavior because it was so out of character for him. I am going to discuss it more with him in person today when I get a chance. I didn’t attend the munch with the intention of finding new partners, just new friends, but if my motivations were different, his behavior would have been at odds with that. He currently is only with me, but he could be open to new partners, so again, his behavior was at odds with that.
I don’t even know how to type this. My brain is just echoing inside its cavity - like actually vibrating inside of my skull. I can’t think or even make words happen.
I had an amazing birthday yesterday, and the worst birthday yesterday. The dichotomy is something I am really struggling with to the point where MisterMoonbeam and I almost broke up this morning. I’ve decided to not do that right now but parts of my body are screaming and telling me I am a dumbass and that I need to flee from him.
I don’t even know where to start with this, and I don’t even know if I can type words in a coherent manner to describe effectively what I am feeling and what happened. I’m dizzy.
He has therapy on Monday.
I am going to take a break here because I literally cannot type without retyping this a fifty times.
I’m a little calmer now. Let me write about the good parts! The morning of my birthday, I decided to give away gift cards through the Blessing Box. I started a post and asked people to say Happy Birthday, and as people’s comments popped up, I assigned them all numbers. Then I pulled winners through a random number generator. I gave away 3 $15 Subway cards, 3 $15 Starbucks cards, 3 $15 Burger King cards, and a $45 Target card. If you couldn’t guess, I turned 45. Lol I guess I should update my signature here.
This kept me busy most of the day. In the evening my kids all came over, as did my bestie, and SirGawain. I ordered us all dinner through Pizza Hut, and we had DarkKnight’s homemade carrot cake. I got amazing gifts, and my kids went home. I hung out with my bestie the rest of the evening. It was a good time!
BeanBoy, BugGirl, me and LittleMichigan
I got some amazing gifts too - My youngest got me a gift card to Stitch Fix, BeanBoy hooked me up with a gigantic leaf-shaped throw blanket, and BugGirl gave me new brown booties!
SirGawain bought me a Kindle PaperWhite, and surprised me with a case covered in constellations! I really felt SEEN by him. He told me he had wanted to buy me a polka-dot case, but they were all arriving late, so when he started scrolling and saw the star-filled sky, he knew it was meant to be mine! And he was right.
DarkKnight - I don’t even know what to say. He saw the ugly side of me and my issues with my birthday this month. I have written before about how my ex-husband gave me 12 years of never having a birthday or anniversary gift. Every milestone, he would talk about what he was getting for me, how amazing it was going to be THIS time, and then he wouldn’t follow through. It was absolute hell, and it has affected me profoundly. I try desperately to control everything surrounding my birthday, as a means of protecting myself emotionally, and for over a decade, DarkKnight would make me a carrot cake from scratch, and he wouldn’t do a thing more than that, to keep my soul calm.
Well, a few years ago, DarkKnight and two of my ex-partners met with my therapist and all of them spoke about wanting to be able to do more for me on special occasions - so that actually became a priority of mine there. I learned how to accept gifts and let go of some of my fear. I don’t know why, but this year though, my emotions have been ramped up, and I have been anxious and depressed about the upcoming event. Mostly because my polycule really didn’t make any plans - it’s hard to be calm about stuff that isn’t happening!
Anyway, their silence on the subject had me vomiting on 3 different occasions. I cried. I needed petting and snuggles. I decided that if they didn’t want to put anything on the calendar, that I would take a trip to NYC by myself and have some fun on my own. I figured I’d take some control back as not having any information was way too much for me to deal with. I wouldn’t let anyone hurt me!
Scheduling got squirrelly, and I ended up staying home. DarkKnight arranged for a little family party. He made his amazingly delicious homemade carrot cake and put pink frosting and pecans on it. (We pick random candles for everyone’s birthday. This year I was pretty old!)
Not only did he make and decorate my cake, he brought me home flowers and a rainbow balloon! On top of that, he bought me a purse shaped like a stegosaurus! Oh, and he also made a beautiful Facebook post, saying that everyone needed to recognize how much joy I share with the world, and how his life would be sad without me in it. It was seriously over the top, and a LOT for me to handle.
Now for the bad part. MisterMoonbeam did nothing. Zero. Zilch. Even though he had listened to me struggle and cry and vomit. He is well aware of my issues, and has helped me navigate them in the past - this is my third birthday we’ve spent together! I tried to be okay with this. I waited for him to say, “hey, we are going out to dinner on Sunday” or “I’m going to give you a kickass massage later!” but there was nothing. At the party he said one stumbling sentence about how he ordered me something and it would be here soon, but he couldn’t meet my eyes and I didn’t say anything then.
Later last night, he didn’t really have anything to add. He said he just didn’t plan and time got away from him. He had no real excuses. This morning I woke up and I was just an absolute wreck. It was my ex-husband, all over again. 12 years of bullshitting and gas lighting and making myself small over a date that is supposed to be about celebration.
My therapist was pretty clear about a couple of things. When someone tells you one thing and then does another - you follow what they did, not what they talked about doing. And MisterMoonbeam held me while I cried earlier this month, telling me that I could trust him and count on him, and then he did nothing.
Honestly, it had me remembering how in the beginning he was telling me he was solo poly and didn't want a hierarchy and would never marry me and he did not want to ever be responsible for another person's feelings. Those are all things he said and he meant and he was adamant about. Like "this is who I am and this is what dating me will be like."
And then in every single way he acted the opposite. I told him several times he was confusing me because his actions were not matching up with his words.
And now he's doing the same thing - telling me that he loves me and wants to 100% be my rock and he's there for me. Just recently he has said multiple times that I am to consider him my forever. And I had the epiphany that I had been stopping any of that from happening because I was afraid, and I decided to consciously open up to that future.
Which is great but then he goes and does this - the one thing that would absolutely fuck me up. I was literally sick all month over stress about my birthday, so he makes the choice to do absolutely nothing? He held me while I cried about it! He told me that my ex was vile and terrible for not doing anything, and he validated and acknowledged that pain.
Actions - or in this case, inaction - speak volumes. He did the exact same thing as my ex! Which is arguably worse, because he knew it was an issue, he knew I had done therapy, he knew that I was struggling terribly with it. And he did nothing, anyway.
I was looking at this as either black or white. So either I have a boyfriend who deliberately and methodically set out to damage my already fragile sense of self surrounding this issue, or I have a boyfriend who is stupid. Well, MisterMoonbeam is not stupid.
I really saw no direction forward together. Thinking about breaking up with him had me shaking. The fear and pain was super intense. I tried to write this post this morning, but I couldn’t form sentences.
Ugh. It was absolutely horrible.
We talked a lot. He was terrified about splitting up. It was devastating to be even discussing it. I hadn’t felt a hole in my soul like this since the time I made PunkRock leave one day when I found him hiding the vodka he was drinking in a water bottle by the bed. I really had a difficult time talking myself into staying together. Like, I desperately wanted to be with MisterMoonbeam, but the thought of accepting this lack of care and concern seemed like the absolute worst thing I could do for my mental health.
This is too long. Anyway, we are still together. I feel like a part of my trust in him is gone forever. Trusting anyone at all is difficult for me, as I’ve had attachment issues since I was little. I just recently made growing our relationship a priority - we are finally combining finances and our futures. I was in. Now I am pulling back.
This has destroyed me. This has destroyed us. I hope the trust can be rebuilt. I am going to try and work it out but I am a mess.
We went to the Maryland Ren Faire yesterday, and I was stung by bees 5 times. MisterMoonbeam took me to the First Aid tent, but my welts receded quickly and I was okay, other than the stingy pain! It itches terribly today.
MisterMoonbeam - he remembered the day before that he *might* have another kilt someplace, and he found both the kilt and the cloak in his extra closet. The kilt still had tags on!
BugGirl, Bestie and me. Yeah, I’m tall. Lol
BugGirl & I got our hair braided!
I love DarkKnight’s garb. He needs to size down in his shirt but instead of doing that, he bought himself the hat with ostrich feather!
DarkKnight & I together
SirGawain & I together. I was stung by bees under my skirt as this photo was happening!
Today has been a doozy. Happening right now - lots of back and forth with our financing friends, and it looks like we will be putting in an offer on the building we’ve been looking at. I want to throw up - it’s all so exciting but also terribly stressful. If it’s accepted (and the seller sounds like they will take it) we then have 30 days to get all of our trade contacts in to give us estimates. We will have about $100,000 cash to fund everything needing upgraded/fixed so oh god I hope they don’t find anything too terrible. I am dizzy.
Before this, I was anxious and stressed again about MisterMoonbeam. Last night he told me he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore, because he felt vulnerable after our fight, and that he didn’t trust me. I was completely flabbergasted and then I got angry. I didn’t do anything to break trust, WTF. He fell asleep promptly and left me feeling very hurt and confused.
This morning I asked him to please clarify. He looked at me horrified and said he didn’t know why he had said what he said, and that he absolutely trusted me. Apparently when he would get into fights with his late wife, she would use sex to manipulate him so he would pull back. He told me he 100% did not mean that with me and started crying. I was concerned that he might be gaslighting me, but he said he absolutely DID remember telling me that and he took responsibility for the statements. It took me a while to calm down because I had spent time invested in feeling like shit and being confused.
It was a really emotional time. He thankfully had therapy already scheduled, and I went with him. It ended up being a good visit for me to sit in on, because at first his therapist was doing a 6-month goal review and MisterMoonbeam wanted me to hear all of the things that he was working on and were a priority. I mean, he had told me this in the past, but it was all at once.
We had about 20 minutes to discuss what was going on and he now has “homework.” He keeps telling me he loves me and he’s sorry. (That’s not the homework.) There is concern that his imposter syndrome is causing him to self-sabatoge, and it’s now leaking into our relationship. The other thing is that when he’s stressed, he goes back to his old ways of relating, and apparently it’s been causing him issues outside of our relationship - like with finances and his health choices.
I just really need a lot of physical contact and touch from him right now as reassurance. His therapist was really positive about our communication and said that from what MisterMoonbeam has shared, that it’s been a positive relationship. Which yeah, I absolutely agree. I thought I had gotten past the birthday thing but then with this stuff last night, I was rolled. I’m trying to refocus and be the support he needs right now, because he is worth it.
We had another munch planned tomorrow night, but we both agreed that we have to much going on emotionally so we are not going to go. We are going to attend the rope event on Wednesday, but that’s it for this week. I canceled my time with SirGawain until Friday, which is when he and I have tickets to a caberet show in town (DarkKnight is performing, and BugGirl and my bestie are going to attend too). My weekend is wide open, so SirGawain and I are going to be together Saturday-Saturday night-Sunday. I’m not sure what we are doing but I would love to run away.
What else to share? I went to a rock show with MisterMoonbeam yesterday afternoon and I bought a lot of rocks. We were like peas and carrots and he was very loving and touchy-feely. That’s why I was so shocked when he told me that he didn’t trust me later that evening!
DarkKnight had practice on Sunday for A Christmas Story, and Wednesday he has a health screening. Now that he’s lost a crap ton of weight, we’ve applied for more life insurance. We need to cover the building expenses and such and get paperwork drawn up in case he were to pass away that covers that stuff.