Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Ugh I just can’t keep my emotions UP. Today was tough. I signed up 25 kids for my Teen Christmas program, and getting all of their information into the computer took all day. Literally. Well, I did have a few breaks! But each kiddo gets 5 gifts, and I have to help a lot of parents figure out what to ask for, and then I have to get all of that inputted, and then I have to match the lists with sponsors. Oh, and then make sure the sponsors understand what’s required and when stuff is due to be dropped off to me. I also have about 30 kids on the waiting list, and I had to get all of their stuff written up as well.

I’m tired.

I did manage to have a late breakfast out with SirGawain at Cracker Barrel. I picked up some Christmas gifts for some of my extended family there this morning - whoo hoo! I went out with BugGirl in the late afternoon, and we bought gifts for the teens that we are personally sponsoring, so that was fun. And when DarkKnight came home from his theater practice, he and I snagged a nice dinner at Olive Garden together. (We brought home meals for MisterMoonbeam & BugGirl.)

So tired.

No update on the building yet. Deadline for our offer is tomorrow so I guess we will hear something.

I have a stack of boxes shoulder high from Amazon that I didn’t bother opening. Tomorrow! I am partnering with a recovery home for women (different than the one BugGirl went to) as they reached out to me for assistance, and I think most of it is stuff that I got sponsored for them. They asked for new bedding, towels, kitchen stuff. I’d say that 2/3s of the items they requested were sponsored right away, so it should be arriving the next few days.

I opened two envelopes that were delivered today, and one was a pack of children’s gloves. Gah! I have a coat giveaway starting this week - coats and jackets and scarves and gloves and hats and snow boots. The city isn’t allowing me to host an event at my house, so I’m going to have to do it all over the internet and that means more screen time for me. It’s okay though, it’ll work out!
Counter offer on the building today. I’m trying to keep myself together!
Another back and forth on the building - but supposedly the owner is signing tonight!
This week has been a blur. I haven’t been posting much because it’s crazy! Lol

First off, we STILL do not have a signed contract on the building. At this point, I’m despairing that we ever will. We have a full price cash offer on the table and the seller is just so flaky and weird. I guess it’s still just a wait and see. There’s nothing else on the market right now so it’s not like we have anything better going on.

I’m still working on our State of the Union. I’m hoping to get it done this upcoming week. We have a lot of big decisions to make coming up, and I’m still waiting for all of the paperwork to make sense. Most of it is follow up on MisterMoonbeam’s numbers - I still need to snag his bank statements for the last couple of months, and do some calculations on cell phones and car payments. His minivan failed emissions so we need to decide whether to pay $1200 to fix it or go down to one vehicle for the next year. I don’t want a second car payment while we are buying & rehabbing commercial real estate. It just doesn’t make sense to add to our debt to income ratio!

That said, I went out last night and bought MisterMoonbeam a new suit. He’s interviewing for his acting manager position on Tuesday. It’s a formality, but it’s important that he looks the part. We got a great deal at a small local shop. We are picking it up tomorrow night as they had to hem the pants.

Let’s see - what’s been going on? I went hiking with my bestie & her poly partner, and SirGawain yesterday. SirGawain was late arriving, and we left 45 minutes behind schedule. This set off a chain reaction where we only got a single one mile hike in, after driving 2 hours to get to the state park. Sigh. It was a good time, being with everyone though.


At this point I don’t think I will be seeing SirGawain again this week - the one night I have time, he’s got his annual HOA meeting (he’s president) and MisterMoonbeam has his interview, so he will be in Dulles with the car until late.

That reminds me that I still have to map out my upcoming Michigan trip with MisterMoonbeam. We leave Thursday and come home the following Monday. We are driving because plane tickets were $800 and gas will be $200 max. We wanna stop at some cat cafes and escape rooms along the way, so I need to figure out where! I guess I am planning that this afternoon…

Tomorrow is my Halloween costume giveaway for the community. Last week I did coats. I have bunches of those left since I had to move it online. I have about twelve or so totes for Halloween costumes & decor, and I need to make a run to the storage unit to pick up those that are still in there.

The major thing that happened this past week is that I finally was able to close the chapter on getting dentures for a local woman who had been in a car accident over a decade ago. She’s been without teeth all this time because insurance wouldn’t cover her. She’s in her mid thirties, and I raised over $3000 to pay for them, and gave her a complete makeover. (Her face is full of titanium and metal mesh, so the teeth cost a lot!) The change in her was AMAZING. There were lots of tears and honestly, I can’t imagine I will ever do something so transformative again in my life for someone!

I am throwing on my sneakers now to head over to the storage unit. I will probably get some groceries while I am out because DarkKnight’s allergies have been awful the last few days. He and I did go to an 80s-music themed, drag queen based performance of Little Shop of Horrors on Friday night and that was super fun.
Well, I finally got MisterMoonbeam’s bank statements and…I am just numb. I am sad, and confused and…devastated. I can’t even really breathe right now. I need to go take a shower.
So a lot happened yesterday. After like 2 months of telling MisterMoonbeam that I needed his bank statements if he wanted to start combining our finances, he finally provided them. I was not expecting what I saw.

Y’all, this man spends over $1000 on phone games every month. Over $1000 on Only Fans. Just thrown in the trash basically! Into the ether and gone. Months and months - extrapolated back he’s spent like over $50,000 since we’ve been together on NOTHING. It could be as high as $75,000 but I wasn’t interested in actually counting any further back than I did.

This is not my business. I don’t police what my partners spend their disposable income on. As long as they transfer enough to pay our shared bills, IDGAF. I do, however, care if they are a danger to themselves, and this is just insane.

When I went to his therapy appointment with him recently, one of the goals he was working on is to be less involved with the games on his cell phone. Yeah, uh, there is definitely an issue there! He said he hasn’t told his therapist the extent of the amounts spent.

He was crying. He was contrite. He was extremely embarrassed. He said this was the one big stress in his life - that I would leave him when he shared this information. So he had been putting it off, hoping that he could figure out a way to make it okay.

I thought that he had had a couple of OnlyFans accounts that he supported. We talked about it a bit ago - in August. At that point he had decided to delete his account there, and his bank statement showed that. However, I didn’t realize how MUCH he was spending. And when he canceled that, the amount spent was funneled to the phone games instead.

He regularly overspends on these, and then is transferring cash from his savings and money market accounts. After he runs out, I am then picking up the tab for our trips, and things like his son’s wedding (I covered $1300 there) and his new suit for his job interview today ($500). It makes me ill to see it. I didn’t know why he was struggling sometimes. I figured he was shifting things around to cover debt.

He makes a 6-figure salary and spends 1/4 of it on gaming and porn. Like wtf. There is no way I can feel safe with this. And it would be marginally better if he wasn’t carrying so much debt, but he owes the IRS 5 figures, and a ton of medical bills remain unpaid from when his wife passed. I’ve been stressing about how to pay for a new vehicle because his van is falling apart, and he could easily afford to buy right now if he wasn’t flushing his money into the toilet.

So DarkKnight and I are on hold now with allowing MisterMoonbeam access to our shared accounts. Does he have a limit? Can he control himself? Right now there is no proof that he can. He had already asked me to take greater control over directing his funds and help him invest more of his paycheck into our shared goals. Now he wants me to take almost all of it, and limit his discretionary income so he can stop this addiction.

I’m not okay with that. I have never controlled anyone like that and it feels wrong. Also, I’m not sure it will stop anything. Will he just start hiding funds another way? What if he can’t stop and he starts siphoning money from our shared businesses? I am not going to risk my future, or DarkKnight’s future. Or our present! Holy crap.

It’s so very scary to me.

I almost did leave him. I’m not even going to sugarcoat that. It’s like I am looking at reliving my life with PunkRock all over again - he would drink and hide it from me the minute my attention was occupied elsewhere. I have zero desire to experience that same scenario except with a different addiction. It’s a very real fear to put myself back into that. How many times did PunkRock cry and tell me he was finished and was stopping, wanted to stop, that it would never be an issue?

Way too many times.

For now, MisterMoonbeam has deleted all of his gaming accounts except for one. That one, he’s part of a team, and he said he contacted those people and let them know he was leaving by the end of the week, that he needs to be replaced.

I’m not sure if this will work. He assures me that it will. That he isn’t willing to risk our relationship for this - that he knew this day of reckoning was coming and that he had prepared himself for moving on from it. Only, like, I don’t think that’s possible. MisterMoonbeam is dealing with insane stress right now - a new job promotion, increased duties at work, we’re buying a building (or trying to omg) and he’s up to his ass in writing papers and presentations for his master’s degree program. To take away those thousand little hits of dopamine that cell phone gaming gives to him - is he going to have a breakdown without it?

I’m also angry that I’ve been struggling to work out how to save $30 on our cell phone bills when he’s got $2500 being spent on stuff like this. It doesn’t make me less interested in saving that $30, but it certainly makes it less of a priority. Jesus.

I told him everything I was struggling with, what I was feeling. I’m also concerned that when he gets another partner, they’re going to be like, why is Bluebird controlling your income? Why are you letting her direct your finances like that? I don’t want to be in that position. I’m not a parent. DarkKnight and I have our State of the Union once or twice a year and we work jointly to make our lives the way we want them to be. This just feels less like a partnership and more like a dictatorship. I don’t want that responsibility or control.

I told him all of this. I love him so fucking much. This is so not okay. I don’t know what else to do to help him though. I guess we will see how it shakes out. He’s never tried to stop before, and he seems to be motivated. Fuck.
So MisterMoonbeam had his interview yesterday and he said he thought it went well. I hope it did! Apparently his direct supervisor is hell bent on him having this position so it doesn’t look like it’s much of a fight, and that the interview was just a formality. I hope so. We need this increase in income, that’s for sure!

Here he is, looking great in his new suit. You can’t see, but his suspenders and tie are both paisley!
I was a bit disappointed that I didn’t get to mess around with him wearing it. I have no sense of self control surrounding a dude in a suit!

Things are still sort of tense between us because of his spending addiction. I ended up being with him last night just so we could snuggle. I needed it, and still feel like I need it. Reassurance and attention, for sure. He needs it too - he told me many times that he loves me and yesterday while he was in the office, he texted me that he misses me.

Last night I actually wasn’t home when he got home - my bestie came over and we went out for dinner and pedicures. Next time I am getting gel because when I went to leave, my big toe got smeared and had to be redone TWICE. I was annoyed because I literally spent 15 minutes the first time and over 25 minutes the second time, making sure that things were dry. Like WTF. In spite of that, I still had a good time hanging out with my friend. When I get back from Michigan, she and I are going to go to Spirit Halloween and get the rest of our costumes to be matchy-matchy.

Right now I’m at the car dealership, waiting to get my oil changed. I think I also need a tire rotation. After, I need to go get the car washed. I wish there was a drive-thru detail place, because it also needs emptied out and vacuumed before MisterMoonbeam and I leave tomorrow.

I already purchased tickets for tomorrow afternoon at a small newish cat cafe in Columbus, OH. We are going to stop there on our way to visit his brother near Ann Arbor this weekend. We are staying there with the family, Thursday-Monday.
Photo drop!

Cat Cafe - Kitty Bubble in Columbus, OH


Traveling to Michigan on Thursday - me & MisterMoonbeam

I’ve had a good time here in Michigan. MisterMoonbeam’s brother and sister-in-law are good people. They’re struggling with a lot of changes with their kids and community, and we came up here to offer some support. We’ve had some great conversations. Hopefully they will be headed to Maryland soon and we will see them around Christmastime.

I can’t say that I ever even thought about traveling to Ypsilanti, but it’s a cute town with amazing shops to visit and great restaurants! I actually wanna come back and see more! Not saying that I would ever want to live here, but I definitely love the location in the Fall.

I feel closer to MisterMoonbeam. Apparently being trapped in a car together does wonders for a relationship! Also, he has definitely been on his phone a whole lot less, and that time recollected has been a bonus. His libido seems to be on an upswing and he’s been flirty, and the last two days he’s initiated sexual encounters, which I definitely appreciated!

Right now he’s finishing up his final paper for his class, which is due tomorrow. He’s been writing on it while here, and I’ve been matching up donors and letters from my Senior Santa program. 130 donors this year, I think? I’m pretty tired of messaging people - I can say that. Every person is so excited and upbeat though, when I contact them and give them a shopping list. It makes my heart so happy! 🎄❤️🎅🏻

I’m tired though. I want to be home and snuggling DarkKnight. I’m really missing him. Both my daughters were home tonight and had dinner with him, and yesterday BugGirl went with him to see the 80s monster-themed Little Box of Horrors drag theater show downtown. He and I saw it last weekend, and this week was all new monsters. They had a blast!



Supposedly we are going to have a signed contract on the building downtown tomorrow afternoon. I’m not holding my breath.
On my way home from Michigan. So crazy tired right now. Good news though! We have a signed contract! Squeeeee!

We now have 30 days to get our people in and start getting estimates. If the numbers are good, we are closing on November 17.

Wow, it's got great character!
A Victorian mansard, nice. The color is kinda crazy but it is eye-catching!
A Victorian mansard, nice. The color is kinda crazy but it is eye-catching!
I never would choose that color but we aren’t painting it at this point. Lol We found out from the fire marshal this morning that we need to install a sprinkler system, so we are now scrambling to get quotes on that. That’s one of the pieces that could kill the deal, so I’m hoping to get people in ASAP to tell us what’s up.
First reaction: why in the hell isn't there a sprinkler system already?! (although I'm guessing it's just because they've never *had* to)
Second reaction: negotiate the building price down!
We are buying it as is. We will definitely try to negotiate a lower price if our only option is to quit the deal. That’s not the case yet - we just started collecting data. :)

Tonight was dinner and dancing! MisterMoonbeam and I started dance lessons a few months ago, and we’ve finally made it past our intro classes and we’re into more specialized stuff. We both had fun tonight, and I learned (finally) how to turn during the hustle and not only spin out, but to come back. Lol I am so not coordinated - but this is really energizing and engaging. We’ve needed this.

He had his therapy appointment today where he talked to his counselor about his issues with spending obscene amounts of cash on intangible online nonsense. He seemed okay afterward. On the way home tonight he said he’s concerned about moving on to a worse replacement, but can’t really articulate what that might be. So far he says he’s had no problems not spending. I guess we will see.

We had time at the building today and got measurements, and have some immediate concerns that need addressed now. So it begins!

Edited to add - MisterMoonbeam got his grade back and he got an A! So he’s done with the first class in his Master’s Degree program. His second class is starting next week, I think! His work is paying for this so it’s pretty great.

I also wanted to mention that when we were out to dinner tonight, we were talking about the building and how the plan now is for him to rent the entire top floor. I really love this for him because he will have lots of space and he’s a guy who has lots of interests and needs room to do that. I brought up that it will make dating easier - when he finds another partner, if they want to cohabitate, I can still have space there and it won’t intrude. He got real quiet and then held out his hand for me to shake - he doesn’t want to date right now and we both have too much going on that adding other people would be a bad idea. I shook his hand. I don’t think either of us have even been thinking about this since we stopped going to munches last month, but I know I am feeling not at all interested in other people right now. This is already my busy season and with the issues lately, added to the building process - nah!
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I didn’t realize that buying a building would have everyone in my household up in their feelings! Both MisterMoonbeam and DarkKnight are not too happy when talking about no longer living together - I guess they really like our dynamic. I have an appointment this evening at 4 with a contractor to look at the basement/foundation issue we’ve discovered, and if it’s a dealbreaker, I guess I have a new direction to head in when it comes to locations!

I worked a bit with both of my nesting partners last night and their finances. DarkKnight I have scheduled for Thursday, but he had a deadline for his benefits next year so we had to get his medical and dental stuff priced out and locked in - so that’s now finished. I did the same with MisterMoonbeam, and he said he appreciated the attention, as he never had anyone look over everything with him before.

With the State of the Union coming up, I had him pay for 3 credit reports and his scores too. He was bummed because he uses Credit Karma, even though I keep telling him it’s not accurate! I mean, it’s good for alerts if you want to follow changes, but the scores are not always in lockstep with the actual fico scores. His were 50 points less. Sigh. Which I fully expected but he did not. I’m actually okay with where he is at, though they’re terrible. He’s sitting right at 600 on all 3.

I had him dispute/delete all of his old addresses, and DarkKnight added him as an authorized user on two of his cards. I also pointed out that his one credit card is maxed, and that’s the easiest thing to fix. He’s got a set amount going into a money market account, but in the past he’s consistently drained it each pay period to pay for his addictions. That $500 every two weeks will clear this card before Christmas. The 18% interest the card is costing him is nowhere near the .45 percent the money market would give him, so this is a complete no brainer to me - let’s divert those funds and get this card paid off. He was excited to have a simple course of action to follow, that should have very solid results by the new year.

I am going to start having him send me his entire paycheck, but not yet. Honestly, I really need a bank statement clear of porn and gaming purchases to even SEE what his regularly scheduled withdrawals are. He’s still adamant that he wants me to assist him with saving and getting a handle on his finances.

I have a lot I want to write about this weekend, but today is shaping up to be busy. DarkKnight will be home at 3:30, so he can travel with me to meet the contractor & structural engineer at 4 downtown. I also have a 6 pm zoom meeting with the small business council as part of the pilot program I’m in - it’s a legal advisement about new businesses. Then at 8:30 I’m booked to go see Black Adam with SirGawain.

I have something on the schedule for everyday this week - tomorrow I have my dance lesson with MisterMoonbeam, and Thursday is my finance meeting with DarkKnight. Friday I leave for Virginia with my bestie & MisterMoonbeam. We have a pumpkin carving party with his old polycule, followed by a costume party. The three of us are going as pirates! I need to make sure my costume is complete - it’s been a while since I looked at it. Bestie & me ended up buying identical costumes from Torrid, and I think we still need matching boots. I wanna just wear my Docs and call it good, but we will see.
Well that deal is dead. There’s too many issues in the basement. Like, catastrophic stuff. I’m not too broken up about it, honestly. The other building broke my heart and I had stars in my eyes, but this one I was more pragmatic about. Still, it sucks to be back to square one.

We are going to regroup and figure out a different approach, I think. I never thought I’d have financing angels ready to give me money to make our dreams come true, and then be unable to find a building. Geez.
Got my period. Ugh. It was expected on Friday so it’s not too early. Still, ugh.
I feel like since coming clean about his finances, it’s awakened something in MisterMoonbeam. It’s like he’s been holding out sexually this entire time. He told me when we first got together that he suppressed a lot of what he likes because of his past marriage relationship and being made to feel like what he liked was abnormal. I’m here to say that so far, I am IN to what he is dishing OUT. Lol We had fun times last night and this morning! Like, we’ve had more sex these last few weeks than we have the previous year. Wtf.

Of course my period puts a damper on things - we’re old and okay with it, but lazy about not wanting to clean up - so we choose other options. Lol But oh wow am I feeling good and loving our interactions.

Tonight is my finance meeting with DarkKnight in our final prep for the State of the Union, and I’m looking forward to discussing things with him. We’ve got a lot of decisions to talk out and a future to plan!

I’m super swamped with programs and work plans right now but we are going to get stuff done!

This weekend I will be in Virginia with my Bestie and MisterMoonbeam. We have a pumpkin-carving party to attend, and a costume party. We’re hoping to play some board games too.

Tomorrow I am visiting a local recovery home for women transitioning after rehab, and taking them some donations - a vacuum cleaner, a Keurig and some storage totes. After that I have a lunch with my board secretary about sponsoring special needs families for Christmas. We haven’t done that before but there seems to be a need.

Tonight while I am meeting with DarkKnight, MisterMoonbeam is going to Baltimore to help a friend set up for FaerieCon there. We won’t be able to attend the event, but he hasn’t seen this woman in like 6 years and he’s excited to be able to help her out. Apparently she’s an author and her latest book has a chapter about his late wife so he is happy to be able to assist her setup.
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