Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

[Bluebird]

TheEngineer came over yesterday and helped me transport this headboard after I bought it at a resale shop. My spare bedroom is almost complete now. MisterMoonbeam put together the nightstand on the right for me, and he promises to help me hang up some artwork later tonight.



Our triad unicorn friend (ugh I don’t want to have a bunch of random names in my blog so I apologize for these descriptors!) came over today from Virginia and picked up the Kennedy Center tickets she bought from me, some artwork to bring back to her male partner, and a bunch of clothes that no longer fit me. The art was stuff that MisterMoonbeam’s old metamour actually made for MisterMoonbeam’s late wife, and a print that they purchased at a show together.

Anyway, Unicorn had said she was going to stay over a few days but her daughter was experiencing a mental health crisis, so she pretty much came and went. Oof. It’s a long drive for that! We went to lunch and hung out at a coffee shop for a bit before she left though. We had a lot of good conversation about the dissolution of her polycule and everything that has been going on with that.

We will see her again next weekend, as she has tickets to go with MisterMoonbeam and I to see American Idiot. DarkKnight is in that show.

Speaking of DarkKnight, he is home tonight so I am happy!! He’s actually putting together a cabinet I bought from Amazon for our living room. I got it to hold MisterMoonbeam’s camera equipment - his stuff is always all out on the dining room table because it needs a home. It was expensive so I am hoping it looks good when it’s put together.

I guess more photos will be forthcoming.

 

[Bluebird]

Yay!



And here’s a pic of me yesterday, just because.

 

[Bluebird]

The pain I feel is unreal. Mornings are the absolute worst for some reason. It’s not always my abdomen - this morning it’s the space between my shoulder blades, and it feels like all of my organs in my body are pushing up into my tits. Just a sheet of pain. These ibuprofen need to kick in quick.

 

[Bluebird]

MisterMoonbeam and I spent yesterday hiking to Calvert Cliffs, which is a fossil beach in the southern neck of Maryland.





We saw frogs, turtles, a snake and a ton of birds! Actually, MisterMoonbeam was able to report a raven online. They have never been seen in Calvert Cliffs before! We were very excited about that.



It had a single white feather! How cool is that?!



Yesterday’s hike itself was an absolute blast. I was not enthusiastic about driving two hours to the western part of Maryland to hike alone on Thursday, so MisterMoonbeam said he would drive the 3 hours with me to Calvert Cliffs on Friday instead. Once we arrived, I was like, wow - it was so beautiful and a couple of times I was thinking that he might use this location to propose to me.

At this point we are less than a month away from our scheduled wedding date! He had said to me early on that he would propose before now, because a long wait would make me anxious. I’m already feeling some sort of way about the circumstances, and I’m struggling with believing that he is okay with this being a legal marriage rather than just a handfasting.

DarkKnight had told me he thought MisterMoonbeam was delaying until after my 18th wedding anniversary with DarkKnight, but I honestly don’t think that has anything to do with it. Actually MisterMoonbeam said straight up it didn’t have anything to do with it.

I’m discussing things with my therapist but I am still crying pretty much everyday. (For various reasons, but this is definitely a huge one.) This isn’t what I wanted for us, and the fact that MisterMoonbeam has been putting off the proposal makes me feel unwanted and even more of a burden.

On the way home I was crying in the car and I told him I was confused. He had the ring at Mythicon and he told friends that I was his future wife. He knows that I am struggling, and in our conversations he told me he would make sure I didn’t have to wait a long time. Now it’s only a couple of weeks until our wedding and I’m not even officially engaged.

It makes me feel like shit. Honestly, it’s so hard y’all. I don’t want to divorce DarkKnight. He LOVES me. I don’t feel like a burden with him. He’s my partner. This is how I felt with MisterMoonbeam until my health took a turn. Now all I can focus on is how he never wanted a legal wedding and now we have to do that.

So of course he would put it off.

He tells me this is not the case at all but he can’t give me an explanation, other than he doesn’t have any special date or plan in mind - he just wants it to be “right.”

At this point I don’t think I will ever get over this time period. I feel so unwanted and rejected.

Though to be clear, I didn’t go on the hike yesterday expecting anything, as I was just planning a day trip. Once we arrived though - wow! It really was the perfect spot for it. And I felt so cherished and in love with him as we walked along. Afterward is when I realized there was never going to be a perfect time or spot that would be right. He just doesn’t want this.

I don’t have a choice though. I have never felt this way, ever. It sucks so bad.

Even worse is that in December, when he first told me he would be open to a handfasting and I was so very happy, (before this health shit made us realize we needed to make it legal), other stuff came up. He explained how he never had a “real” proposal with anyone, so he didn’t want me to consider myself engaged until he could do that.

He previously had a long engagement with his high school sweetheart which was broken off as they were separated due to college for long periods, and then with his late wife, she just sort of decided they were engaged and then planned the wedding.

So I totally understood that.

But yesterday he told me he had forgotten, that he *had* done a proposal with his high school girlfriend - got down on one knee and all that.

So now I really don’t understand. He’s telling me one thing, changing his story, and then just postponing the proposal.

Yet, he picked out a suit and did the fitting and it’s home now. He changed his mind out of nowhere and said he wanted to wear a wedding ring, so we bought one. He was excited to see the flowers I ordered from my friend (I do have them in my possession now) and he contacted and set up the wedding date itself with our officiant. Like, I am so confused.

I know he loves me but this entire process hurts my heart. I want to be wanted. I wish things were different.

 

[Bluebird]

MisterMoonbeam and I had a good talk last night and he was pretty upset with himself. He says his anxiety is a struggle and he wants to do things right and it is all turning out wrong. Our first meeting anniversary is Thursday, and he said he wants to ask me officially then. He said we’re going to go out that evening, he’s going to ask, and then we will eat and do an activity. He also wants to call his parents afterward and share the news.

I felt really heard by him and loved as well. Which is good, because I needed that.

 

[Bluebird]

Hmm so I got this email notification but it didn’t show up here. Lol

Anyway, MisterMoonbeam told me back in December that he wanted to do an “official” proposal, where he gets down on one knee and has had time to think about what he wants to say. He is keeping my engagement ring until he does this. So I have been waiting!

It’s definitely decided, but his postponement of doing this has been difficult for me, and has my mind going a million which ways. When he didn’t do it at Mythicon, or on this gorgeous hike, I was very confused and worried he was having second thoughts.

Apparently this isn’t the case. He said he was actually very upset on the hike because he wanted to do it then but had forgotten the ring! He said at Mythicon, he felt overwhelmed by the people there and realized he wanted to do it in a more private setting. Then he started stressing that maybe I wanted a large venue proposal extravaganza (I don’t care at all) and got into his own head about it.

Anyway, it’s happening Thursday and I am sure it will be fine!

 

[ref2018]

View attachment 4646

Hmm so I got this email notification but it didn’t show up here. Lol

Anyway, MisterMoonbeam told me back in December that he wanted to do an “official” proposal, where he gets down on one knee and has had time to think about what he wants to say. He is keeping my engagement ring until he does this. So I have been waiting!

It’s definitely decided, but his postponement of doing this has been difficult for me, and has my mind going a million which ways. When he didn’t do it at Mythicon, or on this gorgeous hike, I was very confused and worried he was having second thoughts.

Apparently this isn’t the case. He said he was actually very upset on the hike because he wanted to do it then but had forgotten the ring! He said at Mythicon, he felt overwhelmed by the people there and realized he wanted to do it in a more private setting. Then he started stressing that maybe I wanted a large venue proposal extravaganza (I don’t care at all) and got into his own head about it.

Anyway, it’s happening Thursday and I am sure it will be fine!

Yes, I posted that, and then I went back and read the previous post about it, so I deleted my question. Generally, when people delete their posts immediately after making them, it's because they changed their mind and do not expect to receive a response.

 

[Bluebird]

Yes, I posted that, and then I went back and read the previous post about it, so I deleted my question. Generally, when people delete their posts immediately after making them, it's because they changed their mind and do not expect to receive a response.

Sometimes my screen can eat posts or they blip out and then reappear. Figured it wouldn’t hurt to answer.



I woke up in some pain this morning but Advil has me up and about finally. The electric company showed up unexpectedly to check our meter and they say everything is fine. So I’m not sure what to say to that. I guess we just hope for the best at this point moving forward. We had a $2500 bill and now our latest one is $600. Hopefully it trends back down to our regular $100-$300 bill!

I have a friend coming over later to see about buying a bunch of ink stamps that belonged to MisterMoonbeam’s late wife. There are so many, omg. I honestly just want them gone so we don’t have to store them anymore. She was estate shopping this morning and found a gorgeous brown wool cloak for $75 and I told her if it fits me we can trade! So we will see.

I’m going to shower in a minute and then order lunch. I think this afternoon I’m either going to be moving more crafty things into the storage room or finally starting work on the Get it Together end of life book that I bought. I keep avoiding making plans but I need to prioritize this soon!

 

[Bluebird]

Suddenly feeling depressed. Haven’t showered yet but I ordered some subs so I will get clean after I eat.

I ordered a tie and socks for MisterMoonbeam’s wedding fit. I had found a $25 Amazon gift card in the garage the other day while cleaning, so that put a big dent into the cost. Yay! I also just ordered two eyeshadow palettes from Ipsy - I have a good selection of greens but no blues so I hope these look good.

I’m going back and forth on having my makeup done the morning of the ceremony. I’m worried about what happens if we have to postpone until a later date if the divorce decree isn’t ready - how difficult would transferring the appointment be? I guess I can call and find out. I will worry about that later, I guess. Same with the hair appointment.

 

[tonys667]

I've tried to start a blog here quite a few times, but always get distracted before hitting submit. Hopefully by beginning with a bit of cut and paste from my already existing threads, I can at least get the first entry here off into the ether, finally!

My husband and I started talking about opening up our marriage at the beginning of July, after about 8 years of being together as a mono couple.

I was married once before for almost 10 years, and it ended in divorce for many reasons, but one being that my ex-husband was happy with having sex once a month, and I wasn't.

My husband now is happy with sex about once a week, but my drive has always been much stronger - I would prefer once a day, or more, if I could stop chaffing. Over the years, we've struggled with our mismatched needs and he has been very accommodating with both helping me masturbate and trying to increase his libido to keep up with me. When we do have sex, he is giving and caring and very attentive to my every need - the only complaint I have is the quantity, not the quality.

I have never wanted my husband to feel inadequate or that there is something wrong with him. I actually see it as more as a deficit within myself, to be honest. I've done a lot of reading about sex addictions and nymphos, but I don't believe I am at that level of horny. Lol i'm not addicted to porn or cheating. However, I was able to recognize in my first marriage that once a month was woefully inadequate for my needs. So this has been an issue from the very start of our marriage together - my husband knew that I need some sort of sexual release once a day, and we've worked really hard on communicating about how this effects our relationship. It has really put a strain on us in some ways because sometimes I feel he is just going through the motions, to make sure I'm happy. I don't want pity sex. That isn't sexy, or satisfying to me. We have had tons of talks about this, for years.

So, to sum all that backstory up, right now he is wanting to remain mono, himself, and has been feeling lots of compersion as I move forward as being poly. Neither of us is bi, and we aren't interested in 3somes or swinging. Though I am continuing to encourage my husband to think about it, he so far is ok with being mono.

I started out trying to put together a relationship with a mutual single guy friend of ours, which lasted a couple of weeks and was, quite frankly, torturous for me emotionally. This guy was extremely mono, and was all over the place with his feelings for me. In the end, he told me he was never really attracted to me at all and though I don't believe that - he did some damage to my self esteem while we were together.

Regrouping from that, I put up a profile on okcupid and then went on two dates with a guy, B, who was single and said he was open to poly. I enjoyed going out with him, but I cut him off soon after meeting M, who is my current boyfriend.

Hi, nice thread. Poly is totally new to me after my wife brought it up last month and I'm only in the fact finding stage. I feel like I have to meet people in the community to understand it more, but I have no idea how.
The poly discussion for my wife and I has had the most unexpected effect. We're talking about a lot of ignored issues, growing closer, and enjoying our love making better than ever. Although I am very stressed and getting into scary places in my own mind. Mostly from fear of the unknown.
I'm trying to figure out if our response to poly exploration is common.
We're having our first counseling session tomorrow and my stress levels really need it.

Thanks for the thread

 

[Bluebird]

Hi, nice thread. Poly is totally new to me after my wife brought it up last month and I'm only in the fact finding stage. I feel like I have to meet people in the community to understand it more, but I have no idea how.
The poly discussion for my wife and I has had the most unexpected effect. We're talking about a lot of ignored issues, growing closer, and enjoying our love making better than ever. Although I am very stressed and getting into scary places in my own mind. Mostly from fear of the unknown.
I'm trying to figure out if our response to poly exploration is common.
We're having our first counseling session tomorrow and my stress levels really need it.

Thanks for the thread

You’re welcome! If you read my entire journal in one month you’re insane. I’ve definitely had people contact me after finishing the whole thing though. Good luck with your fact finding!

 

[Bluebird]

It makes me a bit sad that my partners are both interested in events coming up that I can’t plan for right now. Both MisterMoonbeam and DarkKnight talked to me about a September pirate party - I could be in the middle of chemo then. I don’t know if I will be able to attend the Maryland Renaissance Faire this year, or the Pennsylvania one, as planned. I do want to go to Yuletide again - and I’ve been buying garb to build a new outfit - but everything is questionable.

I had a friend come over yesterday to buy a bunch of the ink stamps and die cut stuff that used to belong to MisterMoonbeam’s late wife. She traded me a really nice brown wool cloak for it all. I’m excited to be able to wear it this winter to an event but it’s difficult to get TOO excited, if that makes sense.

I’m trying not to focus on the unknowable.

SmoothJazz messaged me again this morning - he had reached out the day of his girlfriend’s funeral. Anyway, he was inviting me to a Wizard of Oz escape room event in June. That was a definite no because I will not be able to handle sitting in a car to get to the location, even. That I am certain of!

Today I am heading to do at least one hike in western Maryland with TheEngineer.

 

[Bluebird]

Yesterday was a lot of fun - I enjoyed my time hiking with TheEngineer. We did a mile at both Big Run and Dan’s Mountain State Parks. We are both on board for going to the western side of the state to finish up the 6 remaining parks I hope to do there before my surgery!



I realized after I took this photo that the entry for Patuxent River isn’t highlighted, though it does have a butterfly. I definitely completed a hike there.

I’m in a lot of pain this morning and the Advil doesn’t seem to be cutting it down at all. It’s like terrible period cramping but I’m not on my period and it’s not due for a while. Ugh. I had breakfast and I pooped. Now I’m laying in bed waiting for the pain to stop. I need to shower so I may just give up and get into the bathroom for that and hope the heat helps.

I have therapy today at 2 pm. DarkKnight is in the middle of tech week so we barely see him with that and work. He did come home last night before 10 pm so we did get a sleepover together, but that will be it the next two nights!

MisterMoonbeam is managing an audit all next week at work so he will have to be in office the entire time. We’re discussing him getting a hotel room up there for part of the week because it’s a 2.5 hour drive one way. He will be exhausted in all ways if he has to do that each day! I am interested in staying over - not only is it a nice escape but it might motivate me to do some end of life planning. Every time I open the book to do some paperwork, I freeze up and do nothing. I think being alone in a room in a different location might help me focus and motivate me to get it done! Just thinking about it, I feel positive about it.

Did I post this photo? It’s the most recent with the three of us together. If I did, oh well. Enjoy it again! DarkKnight is in the back of the picture and MisterMoonbeam is in the foreground directly next to me.

 

[Bluebird]

** Gah wrote this this morning but posting tonight lol **

Therapy went well yesterday, and when I came home MisterMoonbeam was setting out on a walk around the neighborhood, so we had some time together. He did end up booking a hotel Monday-Thursday in DC so in the evening while DarkKnight was at practice, we went through all of his short sleeve dress shirts in his closet and made outfits for his in-office time next week. We cleared out more than he kept so he has space for the stuff we didn’t sort yet - long sleeve dress shirts, flannels, polo shirts and sweaters!

We had been talking about upgrading his workwear for a while - he wants to drop some cash on blazers and combos that give his outfits an upgrade. I’m all for it - I feel like clothing for work is a necessary investment. DarkKnight and I go through his stuff at least once a year as well.

So far this morning I’ve had four ibuprofen tablets. I woke up with cramps, as per my new normal, but after sleeping again for a short bit, I woke up with a massive headache. I’m waiting now for it to ease off.

Since I am going to be gone all week, I need to clean today! I’m waiting to hear from my youngest to see if she’d like to come over and make some money helping. My house honestly isn’t terrible at the moment, but I want to do some deep cleaning so it looks good when my sister and her kids arrive next Friday.

 

[Bluebird]

I’m engaged! He filled our house with flowers, and then took me on a long walk around city park. He stopped us next to a bird bath planter on the grounds of the Mansion House Art Center, overlooking the bandshell. He got down on one knee, told me he was mine forever, and that we will be imperfectly perfect. Afterward, we had dinner at my second favorite restaurant (Nikkos) and grabbed donuts on the way home.

 

[Brazen]

Congratulations

 

[Bluebird]

I got my period yesterday - 4 days early. I’m aggravated because I leave for a week in DC today and I was hoping to enjoy myself. Instead I get to enjoy menstruation cramps AND the stabbing pain of my (maybe) cancerous fibroids. Yay!

Ugh.

I’m hoping to meet up with…I forget if I ever had a name for her here. The woman that was SirGawain’s friends with benefits who I went on a date with a while back. She said she was interested in meeting up but I haven’t heard from her for a couple of days.

Anyway, this morning I am in a lot of discomfort - just overall, I am crampy and uncomfortable to the extent I just want to cry because there’s no way to contort my body into a position that doesn’t hurt me.

DarkKnight is at work and MisterMoonbeam took the van to go to the dump. They are planning to switch vehicles after, so MisterMoonbeam and I will have the car to take to the city. In a minute I will get up and take some Advil and have an Atkins shake. I need to rehash the budget and then get my laptop packed up.

MisterMoonbeam has a busy audit week at work so DarkKnight and I discussed things. We decided to chunk some time and money to allow MisterMoonbeam to NOT waste half his life driving to and from his job by getting him a hotel close to the place where he needs to be. I am generally always asking myself - how can I support my partners? - and since he was already getting anxious about being worn out, I’m like, there has to be a way to solve this! So, a hotel stay it is!

Honestly this is going to be great for me as well, since I need a space with no distractions to focus on my end-of-life book. I have done exactly ZERO of the things I need to do with switching up health care proxies and making sure all of our financial business is handled long term. Everytime I sit down to work on it, I find something better to do. Meaning, something less stressful! I am legitimately running out of time, so I’m hoping that being sequestered away in a room while MisterMoonbeam is at work will motivate me to get it all started - and completed!

This weekend two of our Virginia polycule friends came up to stay. Last minute, MisterMoonbeam’s old metamour texted me and asked to come up with the unicorn partner (who was expected). We were all fine with it, so they ended up in our spare room (yay me for getting this set up in time!) and they attended DarkKnight’s performance in the Green Day musical, American Idiot with us. It was a real fun time - seeing them and watching the show. I was really proud of my husband - he did amazing! Here at the house we’ve been playing the song “21 Guns” over and over!

We talked a bunch with the VA polycule people (ugh wish there was a better shortcut for them) and heard from the guy on why he just decided to break away. He’s legit planning on moving to Arizona in May and leaving both his wife and the unicorn partner behind. I’m just like, wow. He certainly doesn’t need my permission to blow up his life, but I find it difficult to understand. I mean, I do understand, but it’s difficult to process. Ugh. The words aren’t there.

On a lighter note, while they were here I decided to drag the side chairs in my living room into the atrium and I love how they look! I rearranged the rugs and had the guys move the octagonal glass coffee table into the space as well. So a big part of Sunday was shopping for a new coffee table, possibly a 4-pack of accent/side chairs and/or a new couch. The Engineer messaged me Saturday and asked if I could hang with him on Sunday, so he picked me up and we drove around furniture shopping. I bought nothing.

It was frustrating but everything I remotely liked was way too expensive. I’m hoping while I am in the DC area I will have time to hit some vintage and/or resale shops and find some things! Right now my living room is naked!

I ended up rescheduling my hair appointment that was supposed to be this coming Friday, to April 8. My sister and her family is coming down on Friday and she’s unpredictable, so I figured it was best that I was just home the whole day, rather than being gone 10 am to 1 pm and have her show up while I’m not there. But now I am stressed because I need furniture for my rooms before everyone arrives. Gah! This is my own fault, honestly.

 

[Bluebird]

That’s what I wore to see American Idiot. Earlier in the day we went to the humane society’s annual kitten shower (like a baby shower, but for the kittens at the shelter) and I won a raffle basket. I got this hat.



So goofy!

And for Mags, here’s our three-legged kitty, Albus, sitting in our atrium on one of the chairs I dragged in there.

 

[Bluebird]

I forgot to post about Sunday afternoon - after failed furniture shopping with TheEngineer, we went back to my house to host a game day. I had two lady-friends over, so it was us and MisterMoonbeam to play another round of Zombicide: Green Horde. I’m trying to get all of the adventures in that box completed before surgery!

Anyway, afterward we had ordered food and one of my friends was talking about how unhappy she is in her current relationship, and how she would love to find a new partner. Her particular kinks make it difficult to match with anyone, apparently. I immediately asked her if she would consider SirGawain, because she absolutely hits all his likes (which I never did). She said yes, but she didn’t think he would be interested in her because she’s younger, doesn’t make much income since injuring her back, and is in school to complete her degree still. Plus, the age difference - she still wants to have kids someday (she’s late 20s and he’s mid 40s) and he’s well-established.

I’m like, girl! He wants kids! He needs a partner who would stay home and keep the house and cook and raise his babies! She was shocked at that and was like, wow - he totally looks like an ex of mine so I do find him attractive. Lol I told her to friend him on Facebook and see how else they match, though mostly he posts political stuff and kitten videos. They match on that too though - both very left wing.

I’m not sure if she did - she said she’s kinda shy about that. She said she never really talked to him at D&D even though they sat next to each other. She’s not been in a poly relationship but she said she’d be open to it if the guy was. Right now she really wants a partner who will text her everyday and see her at least twice a week - she’s lonely most of the time because her current boyfriend sees her once a week (if that) and doesn’t text her ever. Everyone at the table was like wtf dump that dude - doesn’t even sound like a relationship! However, she doesn’t want to be even more alone. She’s got pretty low levels of self-confidence.

Everyone talked her up. I’m not sure if she’ll reach out to SirGawain, but I hope she does. Honestly I think they’d be good for each other because he would treat her like a queen and their kinks are like - YES. After everyone left, MisterMoonbeam asked if I needed a feather and I was like ??? and he said did I need a feather for my hat since I was pimping out SirGawain so hard.

OMG I was though. I love him still but we just aren’t right for each other. I would love for him to find someone - and honestly, my friend is amazing. I just don’t know if SirGawain is in a better headspace right now or if he’s still spiraling.

I’m supposed to spend this afternoon with his FWB so I will ask her what’s up. Yesterday (my first day in the DC area) was not productive at finding any furniture so she’s going to hit some vintage and resale shops with me. Her mom recently passed so I’m hoping to distract her.

 

[Bluebird]

I sold two used corsets this past week and after fees and shipping, I was left with $152. I just bought a solid green velvet cropped Vixen corset to wear over the Wench corset for my wedding - which cost $148 with shipping. I’m really hopeful that it will work! It looks dark onscreen but the corset I have has some dark green so I’m keeping my fingers crossed it will enhance my outfit! If not, I will be able to wear it with other items I own, so no biggie. However, I really really really want it to work for the wedding!

I need to order my veil as well - I think I will go do that now!