So many things I should write about, and I'm probably going to forget most of it. Sigh. I don't seem to have time to update here so when I do, I've forgotten everything.
I am broke as hell this month and oh does it suck. Plane ticket to Nepal + crazy high $550 on groceries one week, plus now having to shell out another $1000 for Nepal room and board plus a few hundred dollars toward a hotel room in Philly - yikes! I am just kind of floating from day to day and paying things as they come due. It is what it is. I find it somewhat hilarious because WarMan told me the other day that he appreciates that I am good with money and don't need his. Haha! No I don't need his but right now things are so draining. Of course, I can't complain too much as we still are sending my youngest child to Nepal. That's worth the being poor for a short span of time. PunkRock told me last night that he isn't upset he's missed his beach vacation this summer, that it's a priority that my daughter gets her trip. It's nice that we share the same goals!
Goals - ugh. I have all but stopped researching states to move to in 2 years. I have zero time now. I am clinging to the idea that I was going to research states one a month so in that regard I am not behind. I still have to vet the dangly bit of Iowa. PunkRock sent me a pic of an entire line of cats being fed - it makes my heart happy about sharing this cat sanctuary dream with him still. I was talking with WarMan a day or so ago and he said what bothers him is that he can't see us together in the future, because he doesn't fit into my long term plans of a cat sanctuary. It isn't his dream. He is allergic to cats. He doesn't dislike them, I guess, but he says he can't see himself working like DarkKnight to just exist as a bankroll for someone else's goal.
In the same breath though, he says for him, it's a natural thing to have a stay at home wife and to work to support her and that he can see doing that for me. He acknowledges that his religious background is big in this - women are raised to be homemakers and wives. Now, he doesn't at all believe women can't do otherwise, and actually he's afraid his teenage daughter may never get the opportunity and option to really choose to do something else in the future, but he was just saying that he could see himself being happy to support me in my goals.
So that was sort of a conflicting statement. I asked him, if he wasn't with me - what his goals would be, what his retirement looks like, and he was at a loss. He reminded me SO much of PunkRock, when I first met him. Actually, all 3 of my guys would probably tell you they didn't/don't plan much long term because they are focused on the present. I told WarMan to think on that - what would make him happy to do? What would he like to see his future being - with or without me?
Last night PunkRock and I had a date night at city park, and we spent a good amount of time, sitting in a grotto, watching the ducks and making comments about having a bunch of capybaras and how we could call them to come out of the backyard pond after an evening swim.
Honestly, last night I was feeling out of sorts with PunkRock. He said many times that he loves me, and we discussed our quantum entanglement tattoos we hope to get at Christmas, but I felt disconnected. Later in the evening, he held me and rubbed me, and then I felt loads better. I know he was unhappy because we are hosting a BBQ today, with WarMan's friends attending. I know they are excited to meet both my guys. PunkRock is less enthused. He doesn't like people - any people - in his home space, and he questioned why he needed to meet these particular people. He was also unhappy that tonight is his one night this week where he can stay up late, and that he would lose all his alone time in having to be a good host. I pointed out that almost everyone attending has work the next day - including both WarMan and DarkKnight - so the get together was not probably going to run late. It starts at 2:30 pm. And, I have zero issue with him disappearing to go paint later on, since these are not his people and it's my party. Yes, these friends are interested in meeting him, but he isn't required to spend oodles of his free time with them. He told me this statement made him feel much better and he was then ok. He seemed much better, anyway.
Actually, we had amazing sex last night. He had made a couple of comments on our date night about how he will now have to take matters into his own hands, since I will be gone more often and unavailable with WarMan. I told him that this felt hurtful to me, because if I were out with DarkKnight on those days he would not be saying that. He acknowledged that this was true - and that he wouldn't expect me to ignore him at times when I was with DarkKnight, if he needed, uh, assistance with things. So, he could expect that I would still make time for him when I am scheduled with WarMan as well. I asked and he said he had no complaints about the amount of sex he has been getting in the last few weeks. I think maybe this was him just expressing a fear? I hope I have quieted it, because holy hell, I need him to fuck me often! Yeah. Anal last night was amazing and I love that he is quite thorough in making me feel wonderful. I fell asleep with him wrapped around me and all was right in my world.
So, yes, today I have a BBQ at my house to host WarMan's friends, including his best friend. WarMan came back yesterday evening to pick me up to go shopping, and he paid for all of the food for today. He had to leave his best friend's house to do that, and I guess she was a little upset at him. He said things were ok though, and not to worry.
xx