Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Oh! Today is also the one month mark for WarMan and I. When I arrived at his apartment, he had a dozen gorgeous red roses for me in a vase. He said he had to go to three different places to assemble everything, and to get the right shade of red. It's a joke we have about the color red - it was funny. He is so sweet.

I am out to dinner tonight with DarkKnight - we're at Panera. I have located my third husband - their Autumn Squash Soup is the best ever.
 
KC43 said:
To me, it seems like what PunkRock is dealing with emotionally isn't much different from what a kid goes through when they get a new sibling. Am I still loved? Do I still have the same place in the family? Is he better than me? Am I going to get enough attention? etc.
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I know lots and lots of kids who never felt any of that about a new sibling. :confused:

Even if PunkRock intellectually knows that not much will change between him and BlueBird....
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How can things not change between him and Bluebird? As things are going, he by necessity will have to drop from half of her time to a third of her time. That's a significant loss.
 
He hasn't actually lost much time with me. He works late sometimes, and so far I have tried to schedule my overnights with WarMan on those nights. Same for when I visit WarMan during the day - PunkRock is at work. Honestly, DarkKnight has lost the most amount of time, though most of that is his own fault - he is in another stage production and he has been having practices every single night. :) What I have dropped myself is a great deal of my outings with my female friends - I haven't gone to book clubs or coffee dates or trivia in quite a while.

PunkRock says he IS missing me though, so regardless of how much the time actually has been - it doesn't matter. He says he feels a loss. We discussed it and what he is missing is the goodnight kiss/good morning kiss he would be getting, if I was with DarkKnight. Since we live together, I can sneak away and give him these even if it isn't his night. I mean, we're all there together. When I am with WarMan, I have stayed at WarMan's apartment all but one time, so PunkRock misses out on those interactions. It is possible for us to switch some of our overnights to my house, but on the weeknight, it makes more sense for WarMan to wake up ready for work at his own home.

I'm going to see how this week goes. It should be an abnormal one though - DarkKnight really does have late night practices every single night, so PunkRock will have overnights all but two nights, more than he would normally get. I am happy to spend that time with him too.

That said, tonight was the one date night/sleepover that DarkKnight will have in a while. We are spending it at Urgent Care. I decided to just go grocery shopping instead of ordering online today, and DarkKnight slipped in an aisle on a spilled substance (Febreeze) and fell on both of his knees. The one is hugely swollen and the other has a knot below the knee cap. We had already decided to skip a sleepover since he has mandatory overtime tomorrow and will have an early rise, and PunkRock has the day off. And now, by the time we get home, he'll be medicated and out. Sigh.
 
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This is the point. As you say, you deciding to have a third relationship does cost cost him something. It does take away from what he had. Our actions always affect others.
 
Yes.

It turns out DarkKnight's left kneecap is broken. I am so glad I insisted he go to be seen right away! Thankfully it is just a chip, and it is floating above the kneecap. He's in a Jonas wrap and we will be calling the orthopedic offices tomorrow.

PunkRock volunteered to have DarkKnight sleep in his room, since it is in the basement and right next to DarkKnight's office. So he only had to go down one flight of stairs, and PunkRock got him clean sheets, and everything all set up. I am so very happy to have such wonderful husbands! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
 
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Oh, no, I'm sorry, Bluebird! Poor DarkKnight :( I hope he heals quickly....and you're right, you do have two awesome husbands (and they have one awesome wife ;))
 
I actually have issues with writing in my journal now - by the time I find the time to do so, I feel like I have to write a novel to keep it current. I don't have time to write a novel though, so here are the cliff notes.

DarkKnight seems to be increasingly depressed. His knee doesn't hurt, because of the tight wrap, and so he tries to do more than he should. His orthopedic appointment is tomorrow morning at 8 am, so I am looking forward to going to that with him. He is upset right now because he is very worried about being able to perform in his theater show. It opens this coming Friday, and when he showed up at rehearsal yesterday, they sent him home because they wanted him to get cleared by the doctor first. Which, I must say, is what I told him he should do. Why on earth would he risk further damaging his knee?! He can be stubborn.

I am also feeling very disconnected sexually from DarkKnight, because I don't think we've been together in a long time. We were totally going to get freaky the other night, but then he broke his kneecap. He is going to be home all day today since he was supposed to be at rehearsal, so I am hoping that I can pounce on him and snuggle. I have not been able to even sleep with him in the same bed - I am way too squirmy and just laying with him in the daytime, I was bumping his leg lots.

That said, DarkKnight DID take our daughter to her shop class this weekend and he is still trying to make dinner and is up and down the stairs on his breaks at work. I want to shake him, but that prolly isn't the best response.

On Friday my daughter had a teen hangout in Frederick, and since PunkRock had the day off of work, he drove her there with me riding shotgun. After we dropped her off, we went to Red Robin so I could get my free birthday burger. I really enjoyed talking with him and just being in his presence. We decided to go to a tiny park nearby - one I used to go to ALL the time with M, back when he and I were together. I hadn't been there since then, so I was a little apprehensive. It ended up being AWESOME though.

The park was almost completely deserted and the weather was gorgeous. We were able to climb up on some rocks overlooking the river, and hold each other, followed by intensely amazing super fun sexy times. Honestly, I can't remember ever having done any outdoor sexual things with PunkRock. I am not sure why, but wow - I need to try it again soon. Lol Unfortunately, we were interrupted by a little kid - I heard him before he got within sight view of us, so he avoided being traumatized. :)

It was really very good for me to be able to connect with PunkRock, but it was also very healthy for me in another way, I think. Afterward I really did feel like I had reclaimed a place that held only sad thoughts for me - a location now that has fresh, positive memories instead of ones that foster regret and sadness because of M.

After we left the park, PunkRock pulled over to take photos of a rusted out steam shovel - he left the car running so I could have A/C. I liked watching his boyish enthusiasm for old things. It's one of the things about him that please me so - he loves rusty, old machines or metal pieces. Since I have a strong aversion to all things metal (I am a weirdo) this is definitely more of an attraction to PunkRock, rather than to the thing he is taking photos of. :)

I will have to write more later. Dammit.
 
Saturday morning I was picked up early by WarMan, and we spent the day in Washington DC. He had never been there before, so it was a fun trip. We went to the Natural History Smithsonian Museum, which I have visited at least 5 times previously. So, I felt very qualified to show him around the place. We took some photos, which I will try to post a couple here in a bit.

At lunch, WarMan wanted to talk about being special - maybe he wasn't a great activity partner with museums, or maybe with certain things, I'd rather be with one of my other guys. This exasperated me a bit, but I understand why this might come up as a concern. I told him that I was having a perfectly lovely time, and that I often go to different venues together with my guys, or multiple times separately as well. It isn't a matter of them competing to see who can show me the best time. It's about enjoying the one that I am with.

Later that night, PunkRock texted me and I got the feeling he was feeling a bit down about me having visited that particular museum with WarMan. Especially since we have such a strong connection together, with so much of the content (ocean hall, specific animals in the Hall of Mammals, the rocks and minerals section). I had to share with him the same information - a place may hold a special significance, but it's the people that give it that tinge. I had a fun time with WarMan, and we were goofy and in love and we had interesting conversation. I would have had the same - but different - experience with DarkKnight. And yes, with PunkRock. I definitely would have had a more soul touching time with PunkRock, because of certain things, but that doesn't discount the experience with WarMan, at all. It was a good time! It doesn't mean I would readily swap that time with WarMan and instead go with PunkRock. Or vice-versa. Each time in its place. I did see lots of things at the museum that made me think of PunkRock, but at no time was I wishing that WarMan was someone else. I was enjoying my time with HIM.

This is important to me, because it has popped up before - both of my husbands have taken me separately to the same movie. And next month I am going to the Air and Space Museum with PunkRock, followed by a trip there in November with DarKnight. Did I have a better time, or will I have a better time, with one than the other? Probably. Lots of things factor into that. But do I resent that it isn't the other guy? Or wish that it was another? Most definitely not. I might be annoyed or aggravated at the one I am with, but then I will probably be feeling like I wish we had gone together on a different day, is all. :) Anyway, more than likely I will be happy to be with each one, because I love them fiercely and spending time alone with them is what makes me happy. Our memories made will be different, and that's what I cherish, not the location itself.

That said, I probably would not pick Boston as a travel destination with another guy - that belongs to DarkKnight, as the city where we met, got married in, and fell in love. And that little house in the woods with a private pond where we were married - that's mine with PunkRock. As are Skinny Puppy concerts. :) One day I might have something as special with WarMan. Everything else though, to me, are just places where I had joyful experiences and hope to again. It's my loves that make them special.
 
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Hmmm. My photo albums are suddenly acting wonky. The link that lets me upload pictures is suddenly gone on my laptop, but not on my phone.

That said, if you aren't a registered member here, you won't see the photos.

Here is the one I did get to put up, before things went wrong with uploading:

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I am wearing sneakers in this pic, because I thought it wise to put some on prior to traipsing around the museum for hours and hours. I did have a pair of black flip flops to show off my teal blue pedicure, but they aren't on in this photo. Your loss - my feet looked fabulous. :)

Also, don't be fooled - this dress makes me look skinnier than I actually am. I feel so fat and gross lately. After my birthday on Tuesday, I am totally going back on a restrictive calorie diet. I need to lose 20 pounds.

Edited to add - now the link has disappeared on my phone as well. I can't add any photos, to any album. What gives? Anyone else having this issue? It seriously was working on my computer a few minutes ago, and then, boom! gone. Now it is the same on my phone. :(
 
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Great news when we went to the orthopedic office today - DarkKnight does NOT have a broken kneecap. He just has lots of swelling and bruising. What the Urgent Care doctor saw was a "bipartite patella," which is fancy talk to say that he was born with a two-part kneecap. So there's a larger section, and then a smaller section attached by cartilage, so to non-experts, it could appear to be a break.

So very happy this morning! Followed immediately by the unpleasant discovery that my checking account was overdrawn. I went into the grocery store to buy some stuff for my family for dinner, and got declined at the self-checkout. Luckily I had cash, but it was a truly WTF moment. Turns out that I completely left our life insurance payments off of my budget spreadsheet this month. AND I paid the cable bill early. I was certainly kicking myself on both counts. If I hadn't paid the cable bill in advance, the oversight wouldn't have caused problems. However, with the switch in data policies at the internet company, we've been having $200 bills, due to how much everyone here watches Netflix. I figured I'd be proactive and pay a big chunk. Dumbass.

So now for all practical purposes, I am broke until Thursday. WarMan offered to pay for the hibachi dinner tomorrow night, since it's my birthday, but it has me feeling very stressed. I still want to go though, so I decided to let him. I promised to pay for a similar outing next month - that way we will be even. I am not comfortable with him just doing things like that. It makes me feel icky. Sigh.

My daughter just came in and said that all of the people she wanted to see at book club aren't going to be there, so I guess I am home for the afternoon. In the evening, PunkRock and I are going over to my BFF's house in the next town over, to have a look at some problem pipes in her basement. PunkRock is going to winterize them for her later this month, so he wants to take a look at what she needs to purchase. Then we're going to go to a burger joint, so she can celebrate my birthday too. :)

I am fairly certain I have a yeast infection starting up - I have been hella itchy the last two days. I was just going to explain exactly how it got started, but then I figured no one needed to know that, and that the circumstances aren't apt to be repeated anywhere, so let's just call it accidental but clearly defined and hopefully easily remedied. I just have some cream right now, as I don't think it has migrated everywhere. Fuck I hate these things. I am going to call over to the doctor to get a prescription pill just in case I can't knock it out on my own. My period is due later this week, so my natural flora is going to be out of whack anyway. Sigh. FML sometimes.

That said, I am in relatively good spirits, for all the bullshit today. I feel incredibly in love, and I feel like all of my guys love me, so that is a huge boost, regardless of everything else.

I think this afternoon I am going to help my daughter sort her closet out and pack for Nepal. I know she needs a trip to some thrift stores before she will be ready, and we need to make a list. The time to do that is now. :)
 
I had a good time out with PunkRock and my friend last night. DarkKnight was able to return for rehearsals and so he didn't arrive home until after 11 pm, and wanted to go right to sleep, so I had an overnight with PunkRock again. It ended up being very emotional for me.

Today is my birthday and I think I have written on numerous occasions about how tumultuous and out of sorts my soul feels on this day. My ex gave me 12 years of no presents and horrible feelings, so avoiding gifts and expectations has been a very effective coping mechanism for me. DarkKnight makes me a carrot cake from scratch and PunkRock paints some Cygnar figures from my WarMachine army - this gives me something to look forward to that doesn't make me feel anxious or upset. Anyway, when we returned home last night from my friend's house, in the center of PunkRock's bed was Zombicide Season 3 Rue Morgue.

I have been wanting to buy this game for ages, but at $80 it just hasn't been something I could get.

I broke down into tears and freaked out. The love and excitement shining in PunkRock's face was amazing, but it was SO VERY AWFUL for me. I just kept crying, and looking at the game and PunkRock. I was excited and happy, but terribly shocked and upset at the same time. This is not an issue I wanted to be confronted with or have to work on right now, especially with all of the deep emotional conversations that have been dealt with lately with everyone.

Apparently both DarkKnight and my youngest daughter knew about this. Why DarkKnight didn't warn him against this, I don't know. I took the plastic wrap off, but I was unable to open the box, I kept shaking.

PunkRock told me he gave it to me early so I would schedule time for everyone to play it after hibachi (tonight). I asked him if that included WarMan, and he said of course.

Later I let WarMan know about it, and he said PunkRock must have done this because I deserve it. That set me off on another short crying jag.

Now, PunkRock had written a list of questions that I looked at earlier in the day, so the plan was to discuss things later this week. On the drive back from my friend's, we started discussing things and decided to go ahead and deal with it last night instead of waiting. So all during our discussion at home, I kept breaking down over this gift, so it made things a bit disjointed for me.

The questions were all about figuring out my poly and how things had changed since he and I had started dating. I was very proud of PunkRock for getting these down because it was clearly emotional for him to do so. I believe the talk was very helpful for both of us, and I am even more cemented in my mind that he is like, the best husband ever. He completes me in so many ways - how wonderful he is! Seriously, I am so very lucky to have him in my life!

Except when he is being a jerkface and unexpectedly forcing me to deal with deep seated trauma of over a decade.Gah! :/

I still feel pretty rattled. I am glad I am teaching Biology today so I have something else to focus on. We are dissecting frogs. Always smelly, always fun. :)
 
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My birthday wish for you is that you are able to gently let go of the past and enjoy the delicious life you are living now. You have surrounded yourself with kind and loving souls who are happy to be a part of your life, and you deserve every gesture of affection and appreciation that comes your way. I hope you can let the love in. You're an awesome woman, I can see that from way over here!

Happy Birthday, Bluebird!
 
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Happy birthday, Bluebird!
 
Happy Birthday, Bluebird! Nycindie nailed it. Ditto. :)
 
Happy Birthday!!

Out of curiosity, has your policy pretty much always been no gifts (or I guess strongly discouraging them) since the past issues? It's clear that getting the gift of that game gave you a really strong negative reaction, but maybe going through the experience of getting some gifts and just letting those emotions out would allow you to get to a point where you're comfortable and even enjoy it? I dunno, maybe not, but the situation just reminded me of the time where you described going to a park and how you worried that you wouldn't enjoy it because of it reminding you of M, but that the new experience there with a love allowed you to turn it into a good place with good memories.

Just a thought. Either way, I totally agree that I hope you feel better and that in time the past is less painful for you!
 
Happy Birthday Bluebird

I also wish for you that this is the year that you can deal with the past trauma so that your wonderful newer men can let their love languages shine through without developing their own fears of rejection.

Have an awesome time playing that game with your men, because clearly it's something you can all enjoy together as a group, so it is also a gift to your whole family. PunkRock is delightful. As I am comparatively new here, I spent some time yesterday reading through your older blog entries. I loved your wedding pics from May.

Mmmm, carrot cake.

Arohanui
Evie
 
Wishing you joy and healing on your birthday.
 
May the blue bird of happiness keep visiting her namesake and her family over and over.

Leetah
 
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