Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

OMG my to do list has not improved recently. It's become a matter of what is an absolute priority at any given moment. Today I am teaching my Biology classes, beginning at 9 am. I still have not graded quizzes, though they are printed out. I also need to collate, staple and hole punch the lab sheets for class. We're dissecting a squid, an earthworm and a grasshopper today.

Tomorrow is my nephew's 16th birthday and his gift is still sitting here, without a card, unboxed and unmailed. I can probably squeeze in time today between classes to create a card, but I need time to find a suitable box, so more than likely it will not make it to the post office until tomorrow.

My daughter and I have decided to do shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child, and we purchased everything going into the boxes, and I even have one shoebox wrapped. However, we are one box short. My daughter actually needs new sneakers, so a box is forthcoming, but first I need to get her to the shoe store. Not today, that's for sure. And speaking of my daughter, I need to message my friend in NY and nail down when she can meet with us to discuss her career in HVAC, since she has offered to talk to us about it.

My aunt in Florida mailed me $20 out of the blue yesterday, and now I am feeling extreme pressure to finish up my ancestry research. Everyone is expecting this awesome family tree album on December 19 and I haven't printed a single thing yet. That is bananas.

I finished benefits planning with DarkKnight a while ago, but this week is the deadline for PunkRock. Tonight is our date night, so when he gets home from work we are going to go to dinner and then do the planning on his year so we can get it worked out.

I have failed to put together our annual finance "state of the Union" meeting. We do it every November. Maybe I can get it together for next week.

Eek! Next week is Thanksgiving. I need to plan a menu for it and like, buy food. We are getting a free turkey with grocery points but at this point I am sure they will be picked over. Cleaning is going to have to wait until the day before. My house is a wreck, too. I can't wait to see my oldest daughter!

We are going to have family pictures taken the Sunday after Thanksgiving as part of my Christmas present from WarMan. I am excited at this, but it necessitates new coordinating outfits. I have to schedule a visit to the mall with EVERYONE. Gah! Not much time left for that. Maybe this Friday? I had actually hoped to visit Cumberland again with PunkRock that day, since he is off of work, but we will have to see.

I would list more things but I have to get moving or I won't be prepared for my Bio class!
 
Type A much, Bluebird? ;)
 
Haha! I know, right?

Once class started today, I realized we were actually supposed to be dissecting crawfish too. So I had to work that out this morning. It went well though. As of right now, I need to send out this week's quiz to the parents and also do some restructuring due to the missed class last week. Rather than add another session, I'm going to combine two upcoming classes. So that means rewriting the lesson plans, homework requirements and quiz in the next week. Blech. By the time I get time to do that, the quizzes for this week will be returned and I'll need to do grading again. Thank goodness I will be done with Biology mid December, once and for all!

Someone shake me if I mention teaching it again. It's good money, but I hate the chemical smell and stress it brings me! Plus, I told my guys yesterday that if I talk any more about scheduling an Astronomy class in the Spring, that they need to remind me to not be nuts. Still, I am sure that in January I will be seriously considering it. Especially since I overheard two teens in my Biology class talking about it - the one had taken my previous Astronomy offering and the other asked him about it. He told her it was "amazing" and that he learned so much, and that I was so smart about stuff. Well, geez, right?

What else? I did get my nephew's gift boxed up, and labeled, so it is ready to go to the post office tomorrow. I have quite a few errands to run then - I am definitely taking my daughter to get her new sneakers and I need to pick up more cat litter. Plus, I picked up my internet order from JCPenney today and the wrong size underwear was in there for DarKKnight, so I will have to go back up to the mall to exchange it.

PunkRock and I breezed through his benefits stuff tonight, so that was awesomesauce. We enjoyed a nice dinner out at a new restaurant in town and the food was very delicious. He went with me to Sam's Club and the aforementioned JCPenney as well. When we got home, I wrapped all of the Christmas presents I've purchased so far this year, which seemed like both a lot but also woefully small. Lots of the "Santa" gifts are done - everyone gets new socks and underwear.

I am going to have to go grocery shopping in person tomorrow - no online ordering because I need to get stuff for Thanksgiving. Sigh. So that's something else for an errand tomorrow.

I was hoping to maybe go hang out with WarMan all day tomorrow, but I guess I do have lots of running around to get handled. Plus, tomorrow night is his time with Monkey, so if I went over there, I'd have to drive back home when he leaves for her place at 5 and then go back to his place at 9, when he leaves to be with me. I really don't relish that back and forth. I suppose I prolly would do it if I didn't have all the in-the-car errands, though. I certainly have enough computer work to warrant a stay at home day, that's for sure!

I miss him a lot , even though we had a date night yesterday - I think our fight triggered something in me this weekend - I was so sure he had dumped me, for a moment there, that I feel clingy as hell now. I just want to cuddle up and be reassured. Some of that is prolly my period - I started blow job week yesterday. Holy hell, I felt ugly as fuck this evening - fat, unattractive, chest all pimply. I put on my awesome totem though, and felt better. I let PunkRock know my mood too, and he just gave me lots of physical closeness tonight. Those things combined were very helpful. Still, I also am clingy toward WarMan and I need to feel his cuddles too.

Anyway, I think I will try to manage some screen time tomorrow to get at least some of my Biology stuff done. I can hole up in DarkKnight's office and chill in his recliner - it would be fun to spend time with him as well.
 
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Ugh. My sweet baby Ray just peed on PunkRock, as he was trying to go to sleep under the comforter. Sigh. I think he's the only one still going to the bathroom out of the litter box. It's strange because most of the time he DOES use the litter. PunkRock was less than thrilled, but he took the blankets down to the washer and now he's grabbing up the comforter off of his bed.

The kittens all still have diarrhea. They had their first official clinic visit today, and all tested negative for leukemia, and they got their first shot. Today was day two on Advon - I think that is what the wormer is they just started. Hopefully it works. Ray is the smallest at 1 lb 2 oz, while the other 3 are all clustered up around 1 lb 11 oz. The little guy seems really young in his skill set too, so I am hoping he will get the hint about the litter box ALL THE TIME soon.

Edited to say: 8 am and PunkRock got peed on again by Ray. Sigh. At least, I am assuming it was Ray. It was definitely pee. The $100 mattress cover I bought a year ago is worth a million dollars to me at this point. Looks like Ray is going to start being crated again at night. I am not sure what else to do - I have a King size bed so it's not like I can paper the entire thing in pee pads while I sleep.
 
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OMG I need sleep! I decided to start another entry rather than add to the stuff on the previous one. I am soooo tired. I slept fitfully because of the kittens.

I still feel crazy clingy with WarMan. I had lunch yesterday with PunkRock and I was telling him about it. He believes it probably does have something to do with my old timeline when I was dating M. 3 months is when things got squirrelly with him, and PunkRock says I was definitely rehashing that emotionally at my 3-month mark with him, so it would make sense that I am now out of sorts again. This pisses me off, frankly. I can't imagine that this would still be an issue.

To be clear, I am pissed at myself - not at PunkRock and I discussing it. :)

So, yeah. I'm currently a needy, clingy mess of a person. PunkRock says that honestly, he thinks I was crazy clingy until about a year on into our relationship. He said he felt like it took me that long to trust him. Right now he said he feels like we are really good, and that if anything, I reassure him more - probably more than I need to do - but we're good.

That said, DarkKnight and WarMan and I ended up hitting the mall last night. (PunkRock was at work.) We are having family photos taken the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and I had to drop some cash to make sure everyone will be looking great. That meant my guys had to try on some clothes. PunkRock had tried on his shirt previously, so it was just a matter of making sure my other guys had the correct sizes.

Oh my, did they look good. I am really excited to see all of us together - speaking of which, I have nothing to wear for this photo shoot and need to get out myself to find something to wear!

I will actually probably head out to look at some point today, if I can ever wake myself up.

Today I absolutely have to go grocery shopping, and it is going to have to be enough food til last til after our Thanksgiving next Saturday. DarkKnight and I started making menus but then other things got us off track yesterday. I also need to plan the food for Thanksgiving itself and buy all that too.

Which also means I need to pull out all of the serving dishes and utensils and make sure things are good there as well. Which is crazy, because as of a couple days ago it was just going to be our immediate family and WarMan at Thanksgiving, but that has suddenly doubled - DarkKnight's older sister and her two grown children (21 & 23) are coming, and so is his mom and her new husband. The best part is that we are eating at 3 pm that Saturday, because both my son and PunkRock have to work earlier in the day, and DarkKnight will be taking both my daughters to work at my youngest' shop class. So that means I am all alone to do all of the dinner and set up. I can handle it, but sheesh! WarMan says he will come over to help.

Things seem to be still not so good with Monkey and WarMan, at least that is what he says. PunkRock, WarMan and I went out to dinner the other night together, and WarMan spent most of it sounding miserable as he recounted how depressed Monkey is about her financial situation. They had a fight again yesterday too. Watching him struggle to deal with her troubles is difficult for me.

Oh! I have squeezed in a little time to work on moving research - all due to the dinner I had with WarMan and PunkRock the other night. We were talking again about laws in different states, and I ended up re-reading & finding more information about the states closest to us - West Virginia and Pennsylvania. The guys have now talked me into considering a move to either of those locations.
 
I can speak for PA... Yes we have some stupid laws here about Bigamy, adultery, cohabitation etc. BUT they are not enforced. I have friends who are in law enforcement and work for CPS. No one cares.. The prisons are full enough. They have bigger fish to fry with the drug problems that are rampart.
 
PA would definitely be better for WarMan, but I am not excited about moving north toward more winter. We will see, I suppose!

Yesterday was so busy for me! I had lunch with PunkRock and then we went to the thrift store to get him some more clothing for work. After dropping him back at home, DarkKnight and I did meal planning and then went grocery shopping. We picked up most of the Thanksgiving things so it ended up being two carts full of stuff. Crazy.

After dropping that all off, we went on a dinner date and then did some shopping at Walmart - all the "Santa" gifts are now purchased for Christmas. Everyone gets new socks and underwear from Santa - including the adults. :) I wrapped it all up when I came home, so I am feeling somewhat accomplished.

This morning I lazied around with the kittens, but I just got up to feed them. They are adjusting to a dry food diet - the clinic visit had us shift away from giving them wet food at every meal. I still give them a little bit of wet food everyday though. Now I am about to shower.

Everyone is gone - my son and PunkRock are at work, and DarkKnight took our daughter to her shop class. WarMan is on his way over, so I should stop typing and get it together before he arrives. :) I need to clean my bathroom - that is #1 on my list today. Well, at least washing my shower curtain and scrubbing the tub. I also want to get some cleaning done in my living room so I can put up the tree later this week. Need to move some furniture!
 
My mortgage with Butch is $450/mo for a three bedroom two bath house. I only have a 15 year mortgage that will be paid off in 5 years (3years to go). My actual mortgage is $185/mo

My mortgage with Murf is $350/mo for a 3 bedroom 2 bath house with an acre yard and a 3 car garage. That one is paid off in 6 years.

Yeah it snows but we are banking away HUGE amounts of cash towards retirement.
 
That's the plan for us - to try and save as much as we can, so we can live a relaxed life in a few years. :)

Yesterday and today have been good. I spent all of Saturday with WarMan, and got nothing that I planned to do done at home. He sat and talked to me while I cleared off my dining room server, and then we went over scheduling for the holidays, which stressed both of us out, but things were accomplished, at least. After that, we went shopping for THE ENTIRE REST OF THE DAY. Oh, how I wish that was not true, but wow. We did a lot of stuff at the mall, and at Target, and we were exhausted by the time we got back to his house. We had a lot of lovey cuddle times while waiting in line, and we were playful together with a cute little stuffed monkey ornament I bought. We had a nice dinner and a great sexual experience too. Overall, awesome date day & overnight.

I did have some periods of insecurity from time to time. I've still been out of sorts due to all of the upheaval, though WarMan says he actually feels more calm, since we've had a fight and I still want to be with his weird self. Ok. :) We talked more about him moving in, and what that will look like a bit, and I have to say that it just feels right. We still have several months to get through before that happens, and my son needs to get into his new place first. Still, it fills me with optimism and excitement when I think about taking that step.

This week though, is cray cray.

Today I spent the morning mostly on the computer, though I was at WarMan's house, and I bought tickets online to go see DarkKnight's new play in a couple of weeks. This time I am going with PunkRock. Almost all of the shows were sold out so I was a bit anxious about actually being able to go, but I made it happen. After that was secured, I also did some work for my Christmas charity. I wasn't supposed to be involved anymore, since it is 2 states away but people dropped the ball again and I got asked in last minute to pick up the pieces. WarMan chided me on doing that, but I've been the head of this endeavor for 12 years and it is hard to see it just turn into a mess. So, when I go to New York next month, I have committed to doing the shopping for just one sponsored family - I am supposed to be sent a list and cash by that date.

WarMan and I then spent an hour playing a cool game called Keep Talking or Everyone Explodes and I ended up making a Steam account so I could use it for my teen game club meeting next month. :)

So, the rest of today was me running from place to place to put out fires and accomplish MUST DOs. I had my son meet my daughter & me at Walmart, and I bought him some new jeans for our upcoming family photos. My daughter got an outfit there too, for the pictures. Then my son left and my girl and I went to Dress Barn and I bought my outfit. So, I think we are good for the photos. Then we went to the Dollar Store and picked up a few things, and then came home. We decided to be completely irresponsible and played the Steam game for like 2 hours together, before dashing off to have dinner at a local Thai place with DarkKnight.

After dinner, we went back to Walmart and bought an 8x8 pan, because DarkKnight decided he really needed one. Then we stopped by Home Depot to say hi to PunkRock and give him money for his own dinner, before we came home where I am now paying bills and helping both of my kids with their assorted needs.

After I finish typing this, I am going to go feed my kittens, then wrap some Christmas gifts and finish up the Operation Christmas Child boxes with my daughter.

Tomorrow is going to be spent grading quizzes and restructuring my last two Biology classes. I hope to be able to go see the new Mockingjay movie with my daughter if I can squeeze it in. Tuesday I have my two classes, and a sleepover and date night with WarMan. Wednesday, I have a scheduled make-up day for kids that have missed some Bio classes and in the evening I am attending an XWing miniatures tournament.

Thanksgiving, isn't. My daughter is coming down from NY on Friday, so we are eating the big family dinner on Saturday, with WarMan, DarkKnight's mom and stepdad, DarkKnight's older sister and her two grown children. Then we have the family photos on Sunday morning.

So on Thanksgiving, WarMan is coming to my house around 1 pm, at which time we are going to do a big Zombicide event where we are all going to complete a series of boards with ongoing character stats and equipment. It should be fun. He can't come over earlier because he is having a coffee date with someone here on the poly boards - breathemusic. He asked me if I wanted to go, but since I have never really talked to this person, I thought it would be weird and somewhat awkward. Apparently he has been chatting with her a lot on here about poly issues and she's been helpful. He says it is more of a meet and greet sort of thing, as she isn't interested in dating him and he isn't interested in dating her. He said even if anyone was interested, he is not going to add to his love life at the moment. He is definitely in agreement that my polycule is going through a lot of shifts right now as everyone adjusts to him joining it, and then with him moving in and us all buying property together in a year and moving possibly out of state - nope. I am cool with this, but at the moment with things being sorta topsy-turvey as of late, it doesn't help my trying to remain calm and collected. One more thing to have rattling around in my brain!

Monkey apparently has been having a crazy stressful time and her husband remains unemployed. There was a big talk today with her husband's parents - they never told them about how he hasn't worked all year and the financial issues they've been struggling with. So this has WarMan all out of sorts himself, and not knowing how to help her. They've been arguing/discussing scheduling and such again, which also makes him stressed.

GAH!

Still, all of this and I am happy, happy, happy. My life is full of love and overall things are moving in a positive direction. Christmas is my favorite holiday and now that my rubbermaid totes are out of storage, I am looking forward to getting things set up around the house!
 
Eeep! Totally wasn't intending to give you more things to worry about! So if nothing else, just wanted to reassure you that the meet-up with WarMan is DEFINITELY not a date. I live way to far away for that business and don't intend for us to be anything more than friends! But I figured it might be nice to actually meet in person while I was up in northern MD visiting family.

I've been following both your blogs (as well as a few others on here) for a while now, so mainly I just didn't want WarMan to feel like he had to give up some time that he might be able to see you or anyone else just for us to be able to actually say hi in person. So I figured I'd at least let him know he could bring anyone he wants. Though realistically.... I can see how that could risk being a little awkward? lol. Holy crap though, it sounds like you pretty much need every spare second that you can get with all of the insane planning you're always doing. I mean, I would probably just be exhausted all. the. time. if I had your schedule. And I thought I already had a pretty busy schedule myself!

So, er.... sorry if responding on here also makes things awkward too?! But I figured I'd rather say something than leave you feeling stressed about my intentions or anything like that!
 
No, that's fine. I'm fine with it, as I've said.

Some other things are not so fine right now though, and I am thinking WarMan and I are probably broken up. I left his house today after a terrible fight and it just felt all jumbled up and wrong. I love him so very much, though the way he spoke to me today - so clinical and detached - him dumping me feels inevitable.

He asked me why I had even gone to his house and I told him it was because I needed physical reassurance and he just walked away and then asked me if there was anything else we needed to discuss. This made me start crying and then he offered a hug and I told him - I can't operate long term with someone that can't give me that, because it's my love language. He told me well maybe he can't change that - if he's angry, he just doesn't want to see the person, much less hug them.

Then he told me he didn't want to see me tonight for our date night and I should just go home. So I did, crying the entire way. He told me he loved me but I think he didn't mean it - he wasn't holding me or petting me or anything - he was just saying it all weird as I was leaving.

I told him I would be willing to give him his time back - he has been so stressed out about Monkey and her problems. Maybe even though he asked me for all that extra time initially, he shouldn't have. He needs to focus on her right now - because he does still talk about her issues lots and that takes away from us. He said no but then that he would think about it.

I really feel like this is M 2.0. The fact that M broke up with me right before going on a date with someone new as well - it just isn't helping matters. I know I am hyper-sensitive lately but the stuff today, it just seemed so whackadoo and surreal.

Part of the reason I am sensitive is, well, because he IS being all strange and like he is pulling away. One thing I keep having to learn again and again that when it feels like guys aren't into me, they aren't.

Oh this is awful.

He actually spent 5 minutes explaining how when he breaks up with someone, it's ok because he still loves them and will always love them. And if we broke up, then he would still want to hang out and play WarMachine - hell, "I'd even still have sex with you- no wait - well, yes I would, because, you know."

I am just sitting there listening to this and in my head I am dying inside. I told him that just wouldn't work for me, that if we break up I have to just be through. Trying to pretend that I'm ok when really it feels like I've been stabbed in the heart a thousand times is impossible.

And I do feel like we are done - he's just trying to do it without hurting me and it's hurting me worse.

DarkKnight was trying to be loving when I got home and I was crying but I didn't need his reassurance. I needed it from WarMan.

I'm just so emotionally drained right now. I really did see myself with WarMan in the future and it felt so right and I loved him, but it's like he's just throwing me away and it's a horrible feeling. This is going to be so much more painful than with M, because with M, I had felt M pulling away from me for a while, and though he made me question myself again and again, I guess I knew on some level it wasn't going to work out. With WarMan, I never, ever felt that.
 
I'm so sorry, Bluebird :( Honestly, the way he talks about you, really sounds like he loves you to me. Just somtimes being in a poly relationship is difficult, especially if it's your first one and you're the new person coming in. I really hope things work out for you. ((Hugs))
 
That sounds pretty awful Bluebird. I'm so sorry.
 
Thanks. It's been a difficult evening. This is the first time WarMan ever canceled our date night. I half keep expecting it to be an awful dream, but it unfortunately is not. PunkRock is snuggling with me, but it really does not help. It's his night to paint and get focused for the week on his own life, not try and fix my broken heart. Plus, the iPad I bought him for his birthday came, and he is full of excitement and delight over that, and I feel as though I am dampening down his happiness, which sucks.

WarMan told me I could message him, but he didn't answer the one text I sent. This entire experience is not helping my insecurity at all. I am sad, and feeling both unlovable and worthless. Of course, I know that is very far from the truth, as I have two guys who love me very much. However, it doesn't really help me hurt any less.

At the moment I want to call and sob and cry and beg him to love me, but I don't think that would do anything but show how desperate I am, so I won't.
 
Bluebird, I really believe that whatever is going on with WarMan has much more to do with him than you. I'm wondering if it isn't related to his mental health issues?

You are very lovable, Bluebird...as evidenced by all the members here who love you and your two husbands who adore you. <3
 
I'm so sorry, Bluebird. {{{Hugs}}}
 
I had told PunkRock I wasn't sure what would be worse - if WarMan messaged me at our normal goodnight time and acted like nothing was wrong, or if he didn't message me at all.

He did message me, telling me that we weren't broken up but that he wasn't going to talk to me and that he was going to sleep.

He told me he would talk to me tomorrow night in person. This definitely was worse. (He's always agreed to dump me in person.) I told him I didn't feel comforted and didn't believe him, and that my anxiety was through the roof. He told me that I wasn't in control and that I shouldn't say anything I couldn't take back, and that all he wanted was a single night off.

This definitely was not good - he had just HAD a night away from me. A poly relationship means you automatically get "time off" and up to this, he had never wanted to be away from me on a night that was scheduled as his. Hell, NONE of my guys have EVER told me that. Only M. And then M dumped me.

WarMan asked me if there was anything he could do to make me feel better, and I told him he should have held me when I asked him to do so. The answer is always - you should touch me. It's always been that. He just told me he was sorry he couldn't make me feel better and then signed off.

Since I was a mess, DarkKnight distracted me with the Bomb game and we played for an hour. He always knows what to do. I felt much calmer after transferring my anxiety and concentration to the game. Of course, DarkKnight isn't actually a night creature, and now he is wanting to go to sleep. I'm going to go see PunkRock some more and hopefully I will get some sleep at some point. I have to teach tomorrow and I am completely unprepared and unable to focus on anything. Thank goodness tomorrow is on Monera and Protist Kingdoms and the lesson is looking at things under microscopes. The kids can work through it themselves, mostly. Also, my classes will be at half students, since most are visiting the White House on a field trip. But that's also why I have to teach a third class on Wednesday.

I am so very confused. WarMan knows that I was dumped by M over the holidays, right before he went on a date with someone he met online, after refusing to talk to me about issues, and after canceling dates. My insecurity is at an all time high and I can't take this. Why would he do this to me, in this way, if he really wanted to be with me? I want to trust him, but how can I? This, I won't recover from easily.
 
I suppose since I can't sleep, it's that sort of time of morning...

Reward

What is the word for when you look into a lover's eyes and know just what they are singing in their soul at that one moment?

We didn't make love as much as he fell on me without rising from the bed,
Serving up my breath to a bag of winds,
My passion spent to pay the world.

He ate me up and then
vomited
Into a shotglass too small,
Leaving the splash to be wiped up with a sponge by the barkeeper,
Wrung out into the sink.
Swirling,
Whirling,
Down the drain.

How do I get me back?

Maybe if I knew the word,
I could name what was missing and
Find what I lost.
 
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Ugh. Finally fell asleep around 3 am, but DarkKnight's alarm went off at 5, so I am dragging this morning. I didn't manage to keep any food down at all yesterday and this morning I just ate what was left of my cheese Danish - about 1/3 of the box. I sort of hope I don't hang on to it because the calories and sugar are going to kill me.

My classes start today at 9 am, but I have yet to even print the kids' quizzes, much less grade them. I haven't created their lab sheets yet either, which is the real priority. I need to get up and get going on all of that, and set up the microscopes and slides as well.

I am a zombie this morning.

I did message all of the parents last night about class being shorter today, so at least I have that to look forward to. Half the kids are out today due to a trip to the White House, so the class should be finished earlier due to not having to share equipment. I am glad because I won't be able to concentrate. However, it's prolly best I have something to focus on. Both DarkKnight and PunkRock gave me lots to think about last night.
 
I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. Hopefully the conversation with WarMan will have a positive outcome.
 
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