Hey folks, just wanted to pop in and comment on a few items I noticed that might have been misconstrued.
All of this baffles me. Why would you think that getting a third of your time is enough to build a relationship? Yes, it's great for you because you're always with someone. Where is he the 2/3 of his life you're with someone else?
What my actual concern was is that 1/3rd of her time might not be enough time to establish the kind of relationship we both want in the time we have left before some serious decisions will need to be made. Fuck, I want more time with Bluebird more than I want almost anything. BUT, she's always been extremely clear with me on what she had to offer. Initially, I said that I could be happy with very little time. That was during the period when we were talking about a possible FWB situation. When she offered a deeper relationship, I eagerly accepted, and decided said that for that, I'd need more time, which she also agreed to. As the situation became more clear, and our commitment to each other and a future together became more desirable on both our parts, I've begun to feel a bit of a pinch concerning the future and our available time etc. That is what I was trying (Poorly, and at 2 AM) to express. Additionally, I CAN'T be with Bluebird all of the time. A big part of why I was excited to try Poly, was that I have other time commitments (Monkey for example). While I would like More of her time, and yes, sometimes I'm lonely, and almost always I wish I was with Bluebird, I knew what I was getting into.
What I'm trying to say is that BLUEBIRD, isn't hurting me at all! The SITUATION hurts sometimes. Bluebird and I are both responsible for the situation, and fuck, sometimes ANY kind of relationship hurts. Mono, poly, whatever. All good things have growing pains attached.
I hear contradictions here, as I did in my own poly relationship. XBF told me I could tell him anything...and then got mad if I told him anything he didn't want to hear. If you want communication and honesty, you need to be willing to hear that this is painful to him, regardless of how it feels to you. Instead, you're angry with him for telling you the truth of how it feels to be #3.
You talk about how you're upset because he told you how he feels...and then you say you don't want to be responsible for his happiness.
To be fair, Bluebird wasn't angry that I was expressing myself. She was unhappy with the WAY I was doing it, the timing of it, and the fact that she thought I was asking her to fix it, and her perception that I wasn't listening to her responses.
To me, a relationship is ALL ABOUT caring for and fostering another's growth and happiness.
I can't think of a better way to describe my relationship with Bluebird thus far. Sometimes growth hurts, and while I don't enjoy it, I don't think she's to blame in any way for the growing pains themselves.
Bluebird said:
WarMan was upset about this too, and told me that he reuses nicknames all the time. This wounded me - he always calls me his corazón, which is Spanish for "heart." I have always felt that was special, but apparently not. He told me it wasn't unique to me at all and that it's very common for guys to call their wives or girlfriends it. So yeah, that was kind of shitty.
I don't reuse my nicknames honey. I was saying that Corazón is something that a Spanish speaker might call his Sweetheart, i.e. that I hadn't invented it, it's a common affectionate name but I've never called another girl Corazón like I do you.
This might be a "love languages" issue. I have observed, in reading your posts, that you are a very sexual person but "physical affection" might be even more important to him that you (which is very true for me+Dude). So, for him, txting or phone calls may not fill the "touching you" bucket.
BINGO. I think this is especially true. Txting and calls help, so does game night, ect. But I need touch. Sex is part of that, but I need touch outside of sex to be happy, no matter how much sex I'm having.
Bluebird said:
WarMan thinks that I need to work on controlling my responses to compliments, but that maybe believing them and internalizing them as being true is beyond what is possible. That maybe I will never believe these positive things about me, but that will be okay. I don't know if I liked hearing that.
And well you should not have. What I said was that you needed to break it down into two steps. The first is believing that the compliment is honestly meant by the giver. The second step is accepting it as true for yourself. The example that I gave is that when you and Monkey tell me I'm handsome, I don't really believe that I'm a handsome man, BUT I do believe that YOU and Monkey think I'm handsome. For YOU it is true, and when you say it you mean it. I've reached step one. Step two is still something I'm working on. All I was suggesting is that taking BOTH Steps at once might be a bigger challenge than you need to take on. Baby steps...
