Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Thanks very much everyone. I had a wonderful birthday!

My policy of being really cautious about gifts stems from my ex husband and experiences with him. He and I were together for 12 years. In that time frame I received a total of maybe 3 presents from him - and that is including birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas. Each date would be approaching and he would tell me about all these great ideas and how he was going to spoil me, and then nothing. I am a very generous gift giver (I think) so I would be crushed, time and time again. I remember one anniversary I pre-purchased the Nintendo 64 with a couple of games and had them hidden at a friend's house. I gifted him the system and he was so very jazzed and excited. It made me feel great. We had a double date planned with my friend and her boyfriend, so I gave the present to him at their house, and then we went out to eat. It was very apparent that he had not bought me anything, and the friends were aghast. After dinner, the guy suggested we go to the mall and split up, so my friend and I could have some girl time. It was an obvious break away to give my husband at the time, an opportunity to right this oversight. We came back together and he had bought himself an additional game. Later, the couple told me how sad and sorry they were, and that my ex was just oblivious - even after the guy was like, dude, you need to buy her something!

One of the three gifts I did receive was on Christmas Day, after I told him that if I awoke to no present, we would be splitting and I cried. He went out and bought me a new vacuum cleaner. After that I just stopped trying. I didn't stop hoping though, and it was holiday after holiday of sadness.

So yeah, I view my birthday with lots of anxiety. I always hope for gifts but then I am anxious that I won't get any. It's better if so know ahead of time what to expect exactly, so I won't be disappointed. I have actually improved a great deal with Christmas - DarkKnight and I had several Christmases where we didn't exchange gifts, but now I know he does really well with that. PunkRock bought me presents this last Christmas too - actually it was my best Christmas ever!

Valentine's Day I ask for flowers and dinner and that's all they do.

My birthday, DarkKnight makes the cake and PunkRock was supposed to just paint my figures. Buying me that game was unexpected and it made me all out of sorts.

I am sure I can overcome this but so have so much else going on, it just seems like too much to try and handle. He was certainly proud of himself though. :) I know it comes from a place of deep care, concern and love. I am really lucky to have both of my husbands in my life!
 
I completely understand not wanting to take this one just right now. You've got a lot going on! It's not easy to just walk away from these patterns.

I do hope you work on ending the control you are giving that oblivious idiot over the joy and happiness you get from receiving presents from your husbands and boyfriend. It also restricts what happiness they get from giving to you.
 
Happy belated! :)
 
Thanks again everyone!

Scheduling lately has been a complete nightmare but things are working out. WarMan has been having some anxiety about things, but can't really pinpoint why. I think I am actually doing an awesome job at balancing everything right now. Whoo hoo! Course, what I think and what the guys think aren't always the same. lol Honestly though, I can't think of any other ways to make things fit.

Yesterday was kind of crazy, I am not going to lie. Apparently WarMan and his best friend are having SERIOUS drama and there were a lot of emotional explosions and miscommunication. He ended up taking a half day at work but nothing got straightened out. He is like me in that he doesn't like to leave things unsettled, but that seems to be how things are now with his friend. I feel really freaking bad about all of the upset, but so far it hasn't affected me and how I operate. I chatted with her about inconsequential things today, kept it light. I have continued to invite her to things but so far, nothing.

Just to give you a sample of my schedule:

Today WarMan is working from my house while I catch up on household stuff - cleaning the fridge, laundry and paperwork. He'll eat dinner here and have a sleepover. DarkKnight has play practice, but PunkRock and the kids and I - along with WarMan are going to play Zombicide this evening. Tomorrow is the "Not Back to School" picnic for my homeschool group, and at some point I have to run to the store and purchase fruit, which I promised to bring for 19 families. Also tomorrow is our Pathfinder game, which didn't meet last week.

Saturday DarkKnight has play rehearsal most of the day, as it is opening night for the production. My daughter has her final shop class for a few weeks, so while she is there I am going to have a date day with WarMan. After she is finished, I will transport her home and then PunkRock and I will leave for friend's birthday party, which is being held at Medieval Times at dinnertime in Baltimore.

Sunday, DarkKnight and I have D&D all day, and then we prepaid the 6:40 pm showing of the Bobby Fisher movie - Pawn Sacrifice.

Monday is kind of up in the air, but the plan is to possibly spend the evening playing WarMachine and/or Zombicide.

Tuesday I teach Biology again all day, and we're dissecting sheep plucks. Afterward, I will zip over and have a sleepover with WarMan.

Wednesday I am not sure, other than I will see WarMan for a bit and then it is Star Wars X-Wing Night. I need to get some packing done at some point.

Thursday, PunkRock and I will take my daughter to Philadelphia and stay overnight in a hotel, in preparation for her early morning flight time Friday at the airport. She is going to Nepal! I can't believe it. I am freaking out! :) After we see her flight leave, we are planning on visiting the Mutter Museum before heading home.

Saturday is the only free weekend I have in October - other than a date night with WarMan, I have no plans. :)

Besides the upcoming Philly trip with PunkRock, he and I are also headed to Virginia Beach in October, to make up his missed summer fun. At some point we are also going to visit one of the Air & Space Museum locations, but we are waiting to get his schedule for later in the month - whenever he has a day off in the middle of the week, we're going to just head out and go. :)

WarMan agreed to go on a trip with me to Scranton, to the Anthracite Museum and to go on a coal mine tour there. I think I mentioned previously about the genealogy research I've been doing lately, and a great number of my male ancestors worked in the Lackawanna Coal Mine. I am super excited to go visit, but I am running out of time! They close at the end of November, and I seriously need to get started on my mom's Ancestry Scrapbook that I promised her for Christmas. So, I think we are going to plan a trip this month over a weekend and just stay overnight in a hotel. At first I was thinking I could run up and back in a day, but it will seriously suck, since it's like 4 hours or so one-way. Anyway, WarMan and I are also going to go see Cabaret - to cheer on DarkKnight and see how his German accent sounds on stage. :)

DarkKnight has a performance every Friday and Saturday night in October, and half of November, so I don't have much time with him for outings. Right now I am trying to catch him where I can. He is going to take two days off of work in November to go with me, back to Philly, to grab our daughter off the plane when she returns to Nepal. He also promises that the 3 of us will go to the Air & Space Museum in November too - whichever one PunkRock and I don't visit in October.

Unfortunately, all this running around means that I can't afford to run to NY until December, so I am fairly bummed about that. However, it is what it is.

I am tired of typing. lol Right now I have to sign off and go clean off my paperwork desk. My daughter is missing her extra passport photos and apparently she needs them to take with her to Nepal. Sigh.
 
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This weekend has been a bit of a mess.

Originally the plan was that I would be attending WarMan's best friend's birthday party Saturday night - he was paying for a large dinner at a nearby restaurant and a bunch of people were going to be there. I started getting nervous that his best friend would not be happy if I attended, and I mentioned my hesitancy to WarMan. I went ahead and decided to go to Medieval Times with PunkRock instead - a mutual acquaintance of ours was celebrating his own 40th birthday. Shortly thereafter, WarMan told me that when he trying discussing the topic with her, she canceled everything, so it was good I had accepted the alternate plans.

I didn't want WarMan to lose all of his time with me, so I switched around the overnights for the rest of last week, and he had sleepovers on both Wednesday and Thursday. I did have time to see him on Saturday morning too, while my youngest was at her Shop class, so we arranged that we would hang out that morning from 10 am til 2 pm.

It was so awesome! When I met up with WarMan, he had planned a romantic picnic at a nearby park. The weather was absolutely beautiful, and the food was amazing - he had purchased a variety of different cheeses, and we had crackers, a sub sandwich, some dill pickles, chips - he really thought of everything. We also had cheesecake, but we didn't get to have any of that - we sort of ran out of time.


See, he told me that the birthday dinner was back on, only it was going to be a pizza hangout. I was happy to hear that, because I thought it was great that he was wanting to celebrate his friend's birthday, and he had been so bummed when she canceled the plans. He told me he was a bit nervous because two additional guests had been added unexpectedly, and that his friend didn't do well with changes.

Sure enough, I received a group message later that morning from his friend, canceling the get together. WarMan had forgotten his phone that morning, so he didn't know. I thought for a short bit - less than a minute, really - but knew he would want to know. He was REALLY upset.

the plan had been to leave the park with enough time to go back to his apartment for some sexy times, but he was very distraught, upset and just generally not in a good mood. I was not happy either. Actually, I was a little bit frustrated that his friend had again found a way to have a detrimental effect on my time with WarMan. I feel like a good deal of our time is spent hashing out issues regarding her, honestly. Anyway, we went back to his house, and he told me he could set everything aside and it would be fine.

It was not fine. I could see he was still agitated. On the way back to his house, his friend had messaged me privately, asking if I had been in contact with him, because she was very concerned that he had somehow become injured and was unable to reach his phone. She said that she had sent him multiple messages that morning which had gone unanswered and that it was worrying her. I then messaged her back saying that he was in fact with me, and that he was fine, and that what had happened was that he had forgotten his phone at home.

This made WarMan pretty upset. He had apparently told his friend that he was running errands that morning, and had not mentioned me at all. He was thinking that she was going to be really angry and/or sad that he hadn't told her that he was with me. He said the fact that he had deliberately left out that info made him upset, and the fact that she would be angry about it made him upset, and the fact that she expected to know everything about his day-to-day schedule was making him feel controlled and, yes, upset.


So, I put the brakes on sexy time and instead spent the last half hour of our time together on Saturday, talking through the issue. Truthfully, I felt like a lot of the problem was stemming from me. It was I who decided to look at my phone and saw the message about the canceled party, and it was I who decided to share that information, and then again, I let his friend know that he was out with me.

We went our separate ways then, because I had to pick up my daughter. WarMan left right after me, to go visit his friend and see if anything could be salvaged. Apparently they had another big fight, but once again, things are now straightened out and should be ok. We will see, I guess.

I am feeling a bit out of sorts because I am not sure how much information is too much. On one hand, I feel like I really shouldn't know anything at all about the struggles WarMan is having with his friend. As I have said form the beginning, I have tried to frame her in my head as a metamour. Hearing about their ups and downs is difficult if I am supposed to be keeping her at arm's length and our relationships with WarMan separate. However, she isn't a partner of his. He reiterates this to me, again and again. She is a very close friend, but that is all she will ever be. And, since he isn't an extremely social sort of guy, he doesn't have many other outlets - if any - to discuss the issues they are having together. As his romantic partner, that makes me sort of the default person he goes to talk about this sort of thing with.

He asked me again today - did I intend on considering him a hinge in this instance, or did I want to hear about what is going on with this relationship? Sigh. I absolutely DO want to hear, when it comes down to it. I am nosy, but more than that, I am concerned about his well-being. So, for now, I will continue to be a sounding board.

Anyway, last night I did go to Medieval Times with PunkRock. It was pretty great - not the show, which was the same as always - but the electricity and sparks that were flying between my husband and I. Holy crap, he looked hot, and if we hadn't paid so much for tickets, I would have gladly ran off and fucked him like crazy at a hotel in town. (The show was in Baltimore.) We couldn't keep our hands off each other, frankly. More than one guest remarked on it, so that made me feel a bit bad, but we weren't being inappropriate, it was just this chemistry - whenever he looked at me, I melted.

So yeah, it was an amazing night.

Today WarMan came over and we talked some more. He has a sleepover tonight, so I will see him again later. He left a short bit ago to spend time with his friend. He told me he wants to make Sundays their sacrosanct day, which I had already thought I had agreed to do, back when he and I started dating. Apparently I had, but he never shared that with his friend, and instead had told her it was still up in the air. So anyway.

So that was the weekend.

OH! Except for this one thing that happened. I am embarrassed to even mention it, but I am a freak, so here it goes!

After the Medieval Times show was over, I made a pit stop in the restroom. I was wearing a long dress, so in order to remove my tampon, I had to hike the skirt part up pretty far, and then kind of sit straddled to pull the string. Well, I tugged so hard and to the side, that I actually flung the stupid thing out of my hand and under the bottom of the next stall. Yes, boys and girls, I threw my completely sodden, used and dirty tampon at a stranger in the bathroom.

I peeked under the partition, and it was sitting on the floor, right next to this chick's flip flop. I panicked. What is the etiquette in this sort of situation? I had a million ideas run through my head, but what I ended up doing is running away. I quick wiped, flushed and ran out of the restroom, without even washing my hands. I was horrified. Thankfully, there was a lull in activity there, and so no one saw me as I left.

I then grabbed PunkRock, made him go with me across the lobby to the other set of bathrooms, where I made sure I was clean, and then inserted a new tampon. Gosh, did he laugh at me when I told the story.

Worst still, was that we were cheering for the red knight, so PunkRock says it was only fitting.

Sigh.I feel like in hindsight I should have said, "OOPS!" and then apologized, and grabbed the damn thing with a wad of toilet paper. Instead, I just took off and left it for the cleaning crew. Dammit. I also feel really bad for that poor lady, suddenly seeing a used tampon appear in her stall, almost touching her foot. She was a rock though, from what I could see - she didn't react at all. I hope she was on her phone or something, and never noticed it. I am such a terrible human being sometimes! I was seriously spooked then, though. No one covers this sort of thing in finishing school, you know?
 
Hahahahahaha!

I have a confession of grossness, too. Once, years ago, I was trying things on in a dressing room at Bloomingdale's with a full bladder. I am usually pretty decisive with clothing, so didn't think much about the fact that my bladder was full. Plus I can usually hold it in for a while. Well, it took longer than I thought because I didn't like things or couldn't make up my mind, and suddenly my need to pee was very, very, VERY urgent. The restrooms were on a totally different floor, and I knew I would NOT make it. Rather than pee my pants and have to walk about 20 blocks with a wet crotch to go home, I went over to the corner, sort of behind the floor mirror and squatted down. Yes, I peed in the carpeted dressing room at Bloomingdale's! Their flagship store! Wiped myself with some tissues in my purse, took them with me, and ran the hell outta there!

Never went to finishing school, but I'm pretty sure they don't cover these topics!
 
That's awesome. LMAO My youngest peed a couple of times in changing rooms when she was a young teen, on accident. Each time the workers in the store told me it happens all the time, regularly. It doesn't make me feel good about trying on clothing in dressing rooms any more, I will tell you that! Lol

Tonight has been emotional for me, out of nowhere. DarkKnight and I went to see Pawn Sacrifice. It was REALLY GOOD. It also reminded me of how I use to play a ton of chess as a child. My dad taught me and it brought back memories.
 
Spent the night last night with WarMan at his house. We had a really great reconnection, after no sex since Thursday. I am still not having penetrative sex with any of my guys, but my period is finished now and I will finally start my yeast infection medication tonight. I have both the prescription pill and an over the counter insert to work through, so this should definitely be done by the weekend! We just had sexy times on WarMan's lunch break as well - whew!

I am actually spending the day here while he works from home. I just spent some time putting together a 35 point WarMachine army for tonight, including two units of figures that PunkRock painted for me over the past year. I am very excited to get a chance to see how they do in a skirmish. WarMan is on the phone right now, but when he hangs up, I need to print all of my Biology quizzes for the week and get those graded before class tomorrow. I also had a chance to empty out his storage closet and now that stuff is all piled up in his living room. The plan is to get that all sorted and put back away - that should really help to get his apartment looking better. There's a set of industrial shelves that came out of the closet, that he's gifting to PunkRock for our garage, so the pieces need to be all stuffed into his vehicle.

Emotionally, things are a little better with his best friend, but he told me this morning she was upset again, due to communication over an issue they discussed this past weekend. So far, it sounds as if she does still plan to go to WarMachine tonight, though apparently they have discussed just staying at her house to paint figures. Which is ok, but it kind of sucks because I was looking forward to seeing WarMan for a little longer tonight. If he doesn't show up, I will still have a great time with PunkRock, so I will be just fine. Especially since my main goal tonight is to play a game with PunkRock. :)

Oh! WarMan asked me today at lunch, how I would feel if he moved in with his best friend and her husband. He is still very concerned about their finances, and renting from them might give them a solid boost and help them not lose their house. I had to be completely honest, and say that I am not sure if our relationship would be able to weather the type of changes that might warrant. I am neither for nor against it, on the surface. However, given the instability and insecurity that his friend has been experiencing, I fear that having me over at her house frequently wouldn't necessarily be good for her mental health. I don't believe I would be able to be as understanding if I suddenly found my time spent with WarMan impeded or cut back significantly because she was having issues. Also, during sex I am not exactly the quietest person, and if his friend is suffering greatly from a lack of sex in her own life, overhearing me having an amazing time with WarMan probably wouldn't be a great thing for her.

So that's today so far!
 
Last night was interesting. Everyone did end up at the game store, and my time playing WarMachine with PunkRock reminded me why I absolutely love the game - it was exciting, my plan was working, but I was still destroyed in the last round by a well-executed move. Seriously, it was great!

WarMan was there, as well as his best friend and her husband, and her son. She greeted me, gave me a hug and made chatty comments every now and then. She didn't seem excited to see me, but she was entirely appropriate. In my opinion, she seemed pretty down, but I did not really interact with her a ton. Her husband and son both played a game with a different friend of mine at a table nearby, but again, other than exchanging pleasantries, we didn't have a whole lot of interaction. Warman spent most of his time painting or building models and came over once or twice to rub my arm, kiss me and check up on the game. He wasn't intrusive or anything, but respectful of my space with PunkRock. I appreciated that! He was looking mighty cute from across the room though. :) We sent each other a couple of texts.

I was really into PunkRock though - it was fun to watch him get flustered and a bit upset when I was picking apart his army. My Stormcallers were extremely effective this time through, and this was the first time I used my cavalry to a good conclusion. I wouldn't change a thing about the way I played, other than to stay the hell away from the monstrosities that PunkRock uses! He used a really inspired coordination of them at the end to bring down my warcaster.

Anyway, this isn't a WarMachine blog. lol

After the game, PunkRock and I went home and went over Chapter 2 of More Than Two. I thought it would be a quick question set, but I think we spent at least 3 hours in discussion. This totally lost us any sexy time, and made this morning absolutely brutal. I really wish I was asleep right now! Going over the reading with PunkRock is bringing us much closer together, I think. It's definitely a way of building intimacy that I wouldn't have thought to try. I wanted to just make sure everyone was on the same page as far as how my poly goes, but really, it has fostered a lot of good conversation and discussion that might not have happened until a mess needed to be dealt with. It's also interesting to see how he really focuses on things and to hear how he has structured and functioned in past relationships. When thinking about starting up a poly relationship himself, he is very concerned about boundaries and rules and it is just interesting to me to see how he operates.
 
I suppose I have to write this entry at some point, and given the way that things have been going the last couple of days, it is probably better that I do it sooner rather than later.

So, my issues with being able to accept compliments are still there. They seem to have been getting worse, in fact. WarMan has remarked on it several times, and DarkKnight certainly has not been giving me any lately and I know he holds them back.

The other night when I was going over the More Than Two chapter with PunkRock, we had finished up and we were getting ready to pass out. He had kissed me a couple of times and we were snuggling up. He looked at me and started to say something like "You are so beautiful." Catching himself, he stumbled a bit and said, "You are so handsome."

I said, "what, handsome?" He agreed and said something like I was a handsome woman. When I realized that not only was he not backing down from this adjective, but that he really meant it, I cried for like 10 minutes. Not only did he think this was a compliment, he didn't realize that it was so very offensive to me.

Handsome is something I would say about a woman who had mannish features. I would never say that about a pretty girl. I don't see myself as being mannish at all, except maybe my voice has this huskiness to it at the end sounds when I am talking. Anyway, I was terribly distraught that not only was PunkRock trying to give me a compliment, but that he had chosen to say something that I felt was most definitely not a compliment.

I was in this spiral of wondering what parts of me he considered man-like. I started frantically listing parts in my head and how each part needed improvement. What could I do to make him see me more as a woman? He doesn't like butch chicks. I had to do something but as I am currently broke, I couldn't come up with anything immediate that wouldn't cost money. So instead I cried and felt terrible.

Meanwhile, he was extremely bewildered. I mean, he knew why I was crying - he had complimented me and would expect that - but he was confused by the intensity, I think. At the beginning, I had to leave the bed to fake use the bathroom because I had to collect myself somewhat and be able to look at him.

This sucked so very much. He explained to me that when he says handsome, he didn't mean mannish at all. He said he used to listen to a radio program where they used that word when talking about super hot chicks that were somehow unapproachable. It was code for "holy hell, I wanna bang the fuck out of that woman but I can't say that."

It took me a while to accept that interpretation of the word - I still don't, fully - but I was able to regain composure after a while.

I told him how when I was 7 or 8 years old, some teenage guys who were hanging out in my neighborhood made really horrible comments to me. I was just roller skating or jumping around like a little kid near where they were sitting around, and one of them made a loud remark - "Fuck that girl is ugly." They went on to discuss how my teeth were huge and awful, how mousey the color of my hair was, how my freckles made me look like I had a skin disease, and how overall, my weight was way too skinny and it was really sad how at so young I was already on track for being the ugliest woman ever.

None of this was said to me directly, just really loud and obnoxious, as teenage boys who want to one-up the other would be.

I didn't say anything to them at all, but I went home and cried. A lot. I told my dad that these boys had called me ugly, and he petted my hair and told me that I was not, I was a beautiful swan - that I was his beautiful swan. This was exactly the wrong thing to say, because all I could hear was that he agreed - that maybe I would be a beautiful swan later on, but to get there, yes, right now I was an ugly duckling.

After that experience, I was picked on throughout elementary and middle school for having bad teeth, and for being poor. Kids really suck. In high school, all of that stopped for some reason - I was still poor and still had bad teeth - but I guess out of somewhere I found the ability to project confidence and competence, and I had a really wide group of friends.

But I never really had those things, because all of the words kids used to say to me were still true. I became really self-depreciating with compliments that I felt were empty and baseless, and at some point I began to react in a negative manner to unsolicited remarks about my appearance in any way. Even when I KNEW I was looking good, I started seeing a compliment as something the giver was doing to underhandedly make fun of me. Like, secretly mock me to my face. Like, when they said "You look beautiful today" what they really meant was the unspoken following "for someone that is usually a hideous troll."

I guess when I look at myself now, I feel like there is a war going on inside. I do have really good days when I feel attractive, and I like most parts of myself. Lots of times though, I feel very average and ordinary and mostly unremarkable. Lots of times too, unfortunately, I feel like there is something wrong with every part of me.

That night - two nights ago, maybe? - I told PunkRock that I was hoping that getting Invisalign would have helped my self-esteem a lot more. I am happy that my teeth are now straight, and that even though I have a gap right in the front for now, that in a couple of months I will have an implant and my smile will be solid. That said, I find myself thinking that next up is getting a whitening treatment done - which I absolutely need for some stains I have on a couple of teeth - but then maybe I need to look at having my jaw broken and pulled back just a bit on the top, because my front teeth are still sort of prominent. That last part scares me a bit, but it would improve things.

Then THAT thought sends me into thinking about - oh, it's been a while since I had my eyebrows done and I should schedule that real soon. And my bangs need a trim, need to get in to do that. Maybe I should color my hair - my grays are starting to come back in so quickly now! The circles under my eyes are terrible - I need to do more research online about how to minimize those because no amount of makeup seems to be helping anymore. Ugh, my skin is so dry and I need to buy thicker concealer and foundation because my complexion just accentuates those terrible freckles. Look at them all over my arms - is that one looking like I need my doctor to take a gander at it? It is a bit larger, but I will wait another month because look at these other couple of scars from when it was a melanoma. I don't want more scars. Ugh, my gallbladder scars are gross and my stomach is so fat. Even if I lost weight, you know that isn't going anywhere - I NEVER lose stomach fat, ever. Even at my "ideal weight" according to the charts, I had that stomach fat. My thighs are hideous. Everything is so floppy and gross. I have pimples in my cleavage, and I need to shave the hair on my chin. How in the world do my guys even get through the day without contemplating leaving me - ugh, I am so ugly.

So I understand the mannish comment. I have gained 20 pounds since I started dating PunkRock. I'm not curvy anymore. I'm definitely fat. You could call me sturdy. I'm built like a man now. But he doesn't like men. Why is he with me? DarkKnight always said that he likes the space where his hand rests above my hip. That curve is his favorite because it's where I am most womanly, and he can hold me there and think on how I am his woman. He doesn't say that anymore. It's because they all think I am hideously fat now and NOT womanly.

Yeah, I need to stop writing because I am going to burst into tears here in a second.

My inner voice is a terrible thing sometimes.

*breathing*

Anyway, PunkRock got me calmed down the other night and I fell asleep emotionally exhausted after that. Then last night, before shutting out the light, WarMan told me I was beautiful and it just set me off again. He was adamant that he had every right to call me that, and that it was hurtful to him that I make him choke back things like that, and that it was bad that I couldn't believe him or my husbands when they have a happy spillover from their hearts. I made him be quiet, but he said we need to have a conversation later, because he can't keep trying to bite back how he feels and that it is insulting for me to take offense at his compliments.

I pretty much stopped talking to him, cried a little bit and then went to sleep.
 
Hugs, Bluebird. I'm sorry :( I will be honest, I could have written much of what you wrote. I am also horrible at accepting compliments. Like you, I see the weight I want to lose, the chin hair that needs plucked, the cellulite on my thighs, the stretch marks and stretched out skin on my stomach from 4 pregnancies and 4 surgeries, the gray in my hair, huge pores on my face, and the gigantic bags under my eyes!:eek: Blue just sees the woman he loves. And that's what I'm going to comment on. This, specifically:

Bluebird said:
How in the world do my guys even get through the day without contemplating leaving me - ugh, I am so ugly.
Click to expand...

You have two husbands and a boyfriend who all love you and choose to be with you. When they see you, they see the woman they love. Not the chin hairs, extra pounds, or freckles! When I look at Blue, I'm not looking at the few extra pounds he carries or his thinning hair. I see the beautiful, sweet, loving man that melts my heart! It's no different when they look at us :)

FWIW, I think you're a very PRETTY woman with an amazingly kind spirit. Deep breaths and big hugs, Bluebird :)
 
Oh Bluebird!
You spend so much time trying to make sure the people you love feel good about themselves.

Don't you love Bluebird? Don't you trust your amazing men to be truthful about their feelings and perceptions? :(

Is it only in the realms of physical compliments and special occasion presents that you need to be so in control of people's giving to you?

You did not trust your dad to tell you the truth even when you were small, how far back does the feeling that your loved ones will lie and mock you go?

Are you already working on ways to cope with this? You are worth it!

Leetah
 
Honey I say this with love. You need to see someone about your inner demons.
 
To be truthful, I've seen various therapists over the years. At this point I am not inclined to start up again.

I was working really hard a few years ago after I started my poly life, to learn why and how I can better accept compliments. I used an app called SuperBetter and I thought I made quite a bit of progress for a while. It may be time to dust it off and start again. If I could get my guys to agree to help me with it, I'd see even more advancement - we are all really busy people though and it takes some effort on my part to spend time with it. I do believe it was helping when I used it regularly.

Other than that, I am not sure how else to go about working on this. Honestly, there are so many other things that need my time and attention, I am not sure if I could focus on this now as well. It was kind of like when PunkRock gave me an "unauthorized" gift on my birthday - it's overwhelming to think about having to tackle anything else at the moment.

I appreciate the comments.
 
Hugs, if that's okay. Been there. Still there sometimes. It sucks. S2 complimented me frequently, both my appearance and me as a person. The first couple of times, I deflected it, but then he told me that when I did that, it was painful for him to hear. Not because I hurt *him*, but because he was listening to me hurting *myself*. I learned to just say thank you and give him a hug.

But going by your picture, you are beautiful. And your guys love you.

It's cliche, so I'm sorry if it doesn't help... but physical beauty can change over time. And some of the most physically beautiful people I've met have been complete, utter assholes. Your picture looks beautiful, and that beauty clearly runs through you in all areas.

I used to have way more trouble accepting compliments than I do now. A good friend suggested that every morning, I look in the mirror and say something positive about myself. Even if it was just something like "my eyes are an interesting color today" (I have hazel eyes. They change color a bit depending on what I'm wearing and what mood I'm in.) or "I'm wearing a really pretty shirt." It was weird, and felt silly and awkward, but after a while it did help.
 
Bluebird said:
If I could get my guys to agree to help me with it, I'd see even more advancement - we are all really busy people though and it takes some effort on my part to spend time with it. I do believe it was helping when I used it regularly.
Click to expand...

I can't speak for your other guys, but I'm 100% willing to help with this.
 
DarkKnight had issues in the beginning, but I think that since he's been dealing with it for a decade now, it's become a non-issue for him. Or, at least not one worth mentioning much.

I am writing this from a hotel in Wilmington, Delaware. PunkRock and my daughter are camped out with me, in preparation for my little girl's plane ride to Nepal tomorrow. This was the closest we could get to Philadelphia without it becoming too expensive. We could have flown her out of BWI, but the plane fare was almost $400 more, and she'd have a 4-5 hour layover in Philly. Seemed stupid to do that when we could drive up here and stay overnight. :)

At the moment I am kind of miffed. There's a second hotel that shares a parking lot with this hotel, and so we get to use that pool and hot tub. Y'all know how I am about hot tubs! Anyway, it was shitty. The bench in the hot tub was too high, so the jets were only on the lower back. The water was lukewarm, if I am being generous. I was really looking forward to a nice hot water cannon on my shoulder muscles and instead it was a terrible tease.

Tomorrow we need to leave here by 7 so my daughter can make her 10:30 am flight. We are 25 minutes from Philly, so hopefully the traffic isn't too terrible and she can make it through all the screenings necessary before boarding for her trip. I am so excited for her, but really sad too.
 
Bluebird, the body dysmorphia thing? So many women share this, you know, even perfect 10 fashion models. Our culture does it to us.

Have you seen the new feminist comedian Amy Schumer? She often comments hilariously on this issue. Here is a music video which you might find amusing.

Girl, You Don't Need Makeup

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyeTJVU4wVo
 
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