Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love
- Thread starter Bluebird
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PinkPig
Well-known member
Ugh. Sorry, Bluebird. I think this is just indicative of the sex-negative things so many of us were raised with :/. It's definitely not abnormal to crave touch from those you love. My sex drive is a little higher than average, but even during lower drive times for me (like after the birth of my children), I still craved physical touch from my partner. Too far outside my window and I feel disconnected from my partner...that window may stretch or shrink, depending on what's going on in my life, but it does not disappear. I'm definitely not a woman who could live long-term, in a sexless relationship, no matter how many other partners I have....I need some sexual connection with my partner(s), otherwise the relationship starts to feel like friends or roommates, not partners.
breathemusic
Active member
There's nothing wrong with having a high libido and wanting lots of sex, but you yourself have said many time in this blog even that when you don't get enough sex (which is a he'll of a lot of sex, again, not judging, only noting logically that the higher the demand the higher the difficulty will be to have your needs met ALL the time) you seem to end up taking it really hard/personally. You get down on your looks, your weight, you feel unloved, etc. Your guys know that you feel that way, and that sounds like a lot of pressure too.
I hate it when I'm horny and not getting my sexual needs met, but I would thing it would also suck from the guys perspective to feel the pressure of "if I don't put out frequently and consistently I'm going to really upset the person I love." Everyone goes through slumps or just has times when they're stressed or for whatever reason aren't feeling particularly sexual. I'm not saying that you intentionally put that pressure on your guys, but is it possible they feel that way regardless of your intentions?
Either way, I think you having a high libido isn't a big deal (other than it sacking to be horny all the time when you're not having sex!), but showing some concern about how strongly you react when you're not getting sex doesn't seem all that blown out of proportion to me, at least from what I've read over the course of your blog.
But, on the plus side, even if it's not as frequent as you want, I'm glad that at least sex is back on the table and the skin stuff is clearing up! That was just a horrible ordeal to have to go through!!
I hate it when I'm horny and not getting my sexual needs met, but I would thing it would also suck from the guys perspective to feel the pressure of "if I don't put out frequently and consistently I'm going to really upset the person I love." Everyone goes through slumps or just has times when they're stressed or for whatever reason aren't feeling particularly sexual. I'm not saying that you intentionally put that pressure on your guys, but is it possible they feel that way regardless of your intentions?
Either way, I think you having a high libido isn't a big deal (other than it sacking to be horny all the time when you're not having sex!), but showing some concern about how strongly you react when you're not getting sex doesn't seem all that blown out of proportion to me, at least from what I've read over the course of your blog.
But, on the plus side, even if it's not as frequent as you want, I'm glad that at least sex is back on the table and the skin stuff is clearing up! That was just a horrible ordeal to have to go through!!
Bluebird
Well-known member
Well, would if that were true, breathemusic, but there was zero pressure from me, no acting out, etc. No issues in that regard. I don't throw fits. Lol I might write about it here, but that's about it. I can get kinda whiny from time to time, but meh.
I have had to reassure WarMan on more than one occasion that though I started my poly life with the intention of just having partners to help boost the amount of sex I was getting, my love relationships aren't contingent on that. If they were - DarkKnight would have been booted out of my heart years ago for only supplying once-a-week liaisons!
No, if I love you, really love you, that's enough to pull through slumps and stressful times, when sex isn't as frequent.
I just have to say, here, that it sucks that WarMan isn't wanting me at the same time that I can't seem to find the space to connect with PunkRock. That said, PunkRock left for work this morning with big kisses and hugs and telling me he is going to rock my world tonight. He won't be home til after 7 tonight though, and he works tomorrow at 6 am, so there's a good chance things won't happen. Still, it's nice to feel wanted and desirable.
I have had to reassure WarMan on more than one occasion that though I started my poly life with the intention of just having partners to help boost the amount of sex I was getting, my love relationships aren't contingent on that. If they were - DarkKnight would have been booted out of my heart years ago for only supplying once-a-week liaisons!
No, if I love you, really love you, that's enough to pull through slumps and stressful times, when sex isn't as frequent.I just have to say, here, that it sucks that WarMan isn't wanting me at the same time that I can't seem to find the space to connect with PunkRock. That said, PunkRock left for work this morning with big kisses and hugs and telling me he is going to rock my world tonight.
He won't be home til after 7 tonight though, and he works tomorrow at 6 am, so there's a good chance things won't happen. Still, it's nice to feel wanted and desirable.A man with a high sex drive generally masturbates to relieve himself when he's not getting sex.
Bluebird
Well-known member
True, and so can women. It's just something I don't do very often, as it has negative connotations for me. When I am feeling down, I am not apt to do something to make it feel worse!
However, if it is merely a matter of timing, etc. then I have no problem masturbating. For instance, I didn't the entire time I was struggling with my skin disorder, because I already felt terrible.
Women can do that too. Although it never lowered my desire for my partner. I guess it's a bit like eating celery when I want chocolate. I used to masturbate lots when my husband's desire was lower than mine but I still wanted him. He's special to me and wonderful and can't be substituted. Desire disparity is common and fluctuating but telling someone there is something wrong with them because of their desire level is unkind.
Bluebird
Well-known member
It isn't for me either, which is part of the issue WarMan has - he says he feels not so good that when I haven't had any sort of sex, I crave penetration over everything else. That is very true. It is definitely something I need. He says it is off putting all the time that I don't want anything else. I don't think that is necessarily true, as I do like all sorts of sex. But when it has been a while, it's true I crave penetration. I am not about to argue with anyone about that.
He wasn't so much saying that me wanting sex is bad, or that my drive is too much, but that when I can't have sex, or when I feel like it has been too long between getting freaky time, he thinks I should not be upset. I am willing to think about this, but I don't believe that I am going to not tell my guys that I am horny. If I didn't communicate, then I might not have sex at all, some days.
We talked about this subject this morning, but I don't think we really resolved anything. He is frustrated that him not giving me sex as I'd like it makes me unhappy. I told him that if I am unhappy, then that is my emotion to manage and not his. If that I was unhappy enough, then I would talk to him about it, and that he shouldn't be trying to fix my feelings. And yes, I was unhappy 2 weeks ago when I was finally ok'ed to have sex and he texted his willingness and when he finally came home from Monkey's, he was too stressed out to give me what I needed. He said I am misremembering and that I had enjoyed myself. But to me
the aftercare is just as important as the fucking. Anyway, like I said, I don't feel we really had any resolution to this talk.
He wasn't so much saying that me wanting sex is bad, or that my drive is too much, but that when I can't have sex, or when I feel like it has been too long between getting freaky time, he thinks I should not be upset. I am willing to think about this, but I don't believe that I am going to not tell my guys that I am horny. If I didn't communicate, then I might not have sex at all, some days.
We talked about this subject this morning, but I don't think we really resolved anything. He is frustrated that him not giving me sex as I'd like it makes me unhappy. I told him that if I am unhappy, then that is my emotion to manage and not his. If that I was unhappy enough, then I would talk to him about it, and that he shouldn't be trying to fix my feelings. And yes, I was unhappy 2 weeks ago when I was finally ok'ed to have sex and he texted his willingness and when he finally came home from Monkey's, he was too stressed out to give me what I needed. He said I am misremembering and that I had enjoyed myself. But to me
the aftercare is just as important as the fucking. Anyway, like I said, I don't feel we really had any resolution to this talk.
No, masturbation certainly isn't a substitute for me but it certainly does take the edge off.
BB, you said none of your guys have been in the mood, but that it had only been 2 days since you had sex. So someone must've been up for it!
WarMan sounds really depressed. And it is obvious his NRE for you has worn off. He feels less joy around you. He just seems stressed and miserable all the time. I know he has a bad back. I do too, so I can relate. I'm sorry he is seeming less and less enthusiastic to move into a new house with you and the others.
I think we women with high sex drives can often get criticised and even told we are psychologically messed up. When pixi and I were in NRE we'd have sex the minute I walked in her door. But right after her NRE wore off, she told me (since I still wanted sex early and often) that I might be a sex addict. We soon determined I wasn't. I just love sex. I don't pay for it, or spend hours watching porn, or miss appointments or work, etc. And I think it's normal to feel sad and even unloved if our partner keeps avoiding sex with us. Touch is one of the top love languages, after all. And sex is the best touching there is!
I am like a Bonobo chimp, sex for any reason is good, often and happily and energetically. It feels better than anything, it's bonding with one's partners, it relieves stress, it's good exercise, it's like playtime for adults, and can make you forget your worries for a while and go to a magical wonderland! Afterglow is peaceful and blissful and can help you have a better night's sleep. What's not to like? Nature designed it that way.
@WhatToDo, a "man" masturbates to relieve himself? Do you not know women masturbate too? I ran a poll here once, asking if masturbation was sex. Most men answered it wasn't. For them, relieving themselves of spunk didn't count as sex. For women, it was the opposite.
At my age, sadly, it can take me 20 minutes when masturbating, to cum. Once I have the first O, I can cum multiply while touching myself. Sometimes it's very good. Sometimes it's just a quick way to relax enough to sleep.
With a partner, if we've been cuddling a while, or on a nice date, or something else bonding and romantic, when we start foreplay, I often, if not usually, cum in 2 minutes, and continue to cum a dozen or more times, easily. Sex with myself is a pale shadow of being in touch with another's smooth warm body, smelling their scent, the thrilling deep kisses, the texture of their hair in your hands, admiring their beautiful eyes, ass or breasts or muscles, stroking their body, licking, nibbling. Sexting before a date is fun foreplay. Then there is dirty talk in person, role playing, or watching porn together, which amps up the fun. Oral sex is also great, giving or getting. Then, for me, there is the kinky stuff like getting spanked or flogged, bound, wax, electrical play, or other things. Spanking myself just doesn't do a thing for me,
haha!
Not to mention, being penetrated by someone's else's hands, or them using a toy, or tongue, or penis if they have one, is way better than just rubbing or vibing my clit. One is like a TV dinner, filling but not that exciting. The other is like dining at my favorite restaurant, with soft music and lovely ambiance and several courses, and delicious wine.
I'm not sure why PunkRock coming home at 7 would make sex iffy. I hope you got plenty of good lovin' last night!
WarMan sounds really depressed.
And it is obvious his NRE for you has worn off. He feels less joy around you. He just seems stressed and miserable all the time. I know he has a bad back. I do too, so I can relate. I'm sorry he is seeming less and less enthusiastic to move into a new house with you and the others.I think we women with high sex drives can often get criticised and even told we are psychologically messed up. When pixi and I were in NRE we'd have sex the minute I walked in her door. But right after her NRE wore off, she told me (since I still wanted sex early and often) that I might be a sex addict. We soon determined I wasn't. I just love sex. I don't pay for it, or spend hours watching porn, or miss appointments or work, etc. And I think it's normal to feel sad and even unloved if our partner keeps avoiding sex with us. Touch is one of the top love languages, after all. And sex is the best touching there is!
I am like a Bonobo chimp, sex for any reason is good, often and happily and energetically. It feels better than anything, it's bonding with one's partners, it relieves stress, it's good exercise, it's like playtime for adults, and can make you forget your worries for a while and go to a magical wonderland! Afterglow is peaceful and blissful and can help you have a better night's sleep. What's not to like? Nature designed it that way.
@WhatToDo, a "man" masturbates to relieve himself? Do you not know women masturbate too? I ran a poll here once, asking if masturbation was sex. Most men answered it wasn't. For them, relieving themselves of spunk didn't count as sex. For women, it was the opposite.
At my age, sadly, it can take me 20 minutes when masturbating, to cum. Once I have the first O, I can cum multiply while touching myself. Sometimes it's very good. Sometimes it's just a quick way to relax enough to sleep.
With a partner, if we've been cuddling a while, or on a nice date, or something else bonding and romantic, when we start foreplay, I often, if not usually, cum in 2 minutes, and continue to cum a dozen or more times, easily. Sex with myself is a pale shadow of being in touch with another's smooth warm body, smelling their scent, the thrilling deep kisses, the texture of their hair in your hands, admiring their beautiful eyes, ass or breasts or muscles, stroking their body, licking, nibbling. Sexting before a date is fun foreplay. Then there is dirty talk in person, role playing, or watching porn together, which amps up the fun. Oral sex is also great, giving or getting. Then, for me, there is the kinky stuff like getting spanked or flogged, bound, wax, electrical play, or other things. Spanking myself just doesn't do a thing for me,
haha!
Not to mention, being penetrated by someone's else's hands, or them using a toy, or tongue, or penis if they have one, is way better than just rubbing or vibing my clit. One is like a TV dinner, filling but not that exciting. The other is like dining at my favorite restaurant, with soft music and lovely ambiance and several courses, and delicious wine.
I'm not sure why PunkRock coming home at 7 would make sex iffy. I hope you got plenty of good lovin' last night!
I know women masturbate too. My comment was in regards to knowing that BB isn't really fond of doing it. Sometimes I want to make love, sometimes I want to fuck, and sometimes I just want to get the spunk out and go about my day. I don't get down on myself for sometimes just wanting to get my nut by myself. Conversely I also don't have a problem if my girlfriend is in bed next to me and wants to get herself off. I think we need to just " be by ourselves" sometimes.
Bluebird
Well-known member
PunkRock has a very physically demanding job, so if he is coming home late, he's tired. Last night he came home at 7 pm and had to be back at work by 6 am. Not fun - he needs to rest. That said, we had some amazing sex last night! OMG it was great.
Speaking of resting - were we? lol - PunkRock has a sleep study on Monday night. I am really looking forward to him having it done. He snores louder than any man I have ever heard, and he definitely has sleep apnea. I hope they can give him a surgical solution and just don't assign him a CPAP machine and call it a day. He is already sleeping with these big blue mitts on to alleviate pain from his carpal tunnel issues! To have him be wearing these mitts and a machine - gah! I don't think he'd ever fall to sleep! Still, something needs to be done. I don't sleep very well beside him anymore, because I will listen to him struggling to get air. It's scary.
Sex with PunkRock is nothing like sex with WarMan. Though the edge is off, I am still craving WarMan and the stuff we do together. Actually, it's really weird - he's really awoken a different side of me sexually and I am needing it a lot. Yeah, I am very sure his NRE is gone. Which sucks, because mine is still going strong. I am used to that dynamic though. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me, it just means he's out of sync with my crazies. :/
Speaking of resting - were we? lol - PunkRock has a sleep study on Monday night. I am really looking forward to him having it done. He snores louder than any man I have ever heard, and he definitely has sleep apnea. I hope they can give him a surgical solution and just don't assign him a CPAP machine and call it a day. He is already sleeping with these big blue mitts on to alleviate pain from his carpal tunnel issues! To have him be wearing these mitts and a machine - gah! I don't think he'd ever fall to sleep! Still, something needs to be done. I don't sleep very well beside him anymore, because I will listen to him struggling to get air. It's scary.
Sex with PunkRock is nothing like sex with WarMan. Though the edge is off, I am still craving WarMan and the stuff we do together. Actually, it's really weird - he's really awoken a different side of me sexually and I am needing it a lot. Yeah, I am very sure his NRE is gone. Which sucks, because mine is still going strong. I am used to that dynamic though. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me, it just means he's out of sync with my crazies. :/
IndieSolo
Active member
I keep thinking about this part you wrote, ever since I read it yesterday. I definitely don't understand how he sees your preference for penetration as off-putting. It's not like you prefer some weird kink that scares or disturbs him, which could be off-putting. Is it because of performance anxiety? Or his bad back?
Two men I had relationships with had certain sexual predilections. Neither one of them could cum through penetration nor from blow-jobs, even. They would get close but couldn't let themselves cum. Both guys would fuck me hard and long until the cows came home (which was great for me because I love penetration), but in order to climax, they both had to jerk off while I did other things to them.
They knew what I liked and I knew what they liked. We accommodated each other, and I would never have told either one of them that what they wanted was off-putting. I wouldn't even have had that thought unless, like I said earlier, it was a weird kink that I found disturbing in some way. They both called me GGG, yet I couldn't imagine feeling "put off" by the preferences of a lover I cared about. I took it all as a fun adventure. I wonder why WarMan sees it that way. I find it strange.
Bluebird
Well-known member
I believe he said that because of a variety of reasons. I have a therapy appointment scheduled next week and I certainly have a lot to talk about there, that's for sure.
I spent last night with PunkRock - he picked up takeout Indian food from our favorite place and then we curled up on the couch and watched 3 episodes of Prison Break. I've seen this series before, but it's all new to my husband, so that's been fun. Sleepover was with DarkKnight and our new kitten ColePorter, who played with me for a bit before running off to guard the house like the fierce little guy he is.
This morning I woke up around 8, and went in to visit with WarMan, but he was snoring. I laid in bed for an hour but he never woke up, so rather than bother him, I went down to bother PunkRock. We had fanfuckingtastic sex (in my humble opinion) and then fell back asleep. At 11:00 I was woken by PunkRock's cat, Stormy, so I grabbed my cell phone to see that WarMan was leaving for the day, so I went upstairs to get kisses. He was in a mood like I haven't seen in a few weeks - he was happy and upbeat. He told me he had actually gotten some sleep the night before. I was disappointed to miss out on his good mood, but Saturdays are days now that he spends with Monkey, so I said a silent plea that she was able to enjoy this gift, and off he went.
Everyone is now gone and I am home alone. DarkKnight and our daughter go to her Shop class on Sarurdays, and PunkRock is working from 1:30 to 10 pm tonight. I was playing some Fallout 3, but I think I am going to get up and figure out something else to do with my open afternoon. I need to clean the garage and sort my freezer, but I could also finally clean up my craft desk. I actually started that the other day and it would be nice to have it finished! I am also motivated to do more ancestry research - I spent an hour or so yesterday morning on my 3rd great grandmother Josephine, from England, and I have hit a dead end, so I need to regroup. She was 16 when she married, and illiterate. Her father was named Joseph, according to the records I have, but nothing else so far. She lied on her marriage license and said she was 18, and signed an X as her mark. I have copies of every census after that, and her birthdate and age don't match up to her marriage license. Tsk, tsk! She had 10 children, but I have no idea how or when she passed away, but several of her kids I found in Canada. I am excited to research the kids further - maybe I can find some clues from their records.
Didn't mean to go off like that...I guess I know what I want to do today!
I spent last night with PunkRock - he picked up takeout Indian food from our favorite place and then we curled up on the couch and watched 3 episodes of Prison Break. I've seen this series before, but it's all new to my husband, so that's been fun.
Sleepover was with DarkKnight and our new kitten ColePorter, who played with me for a bit before running off to guard the house like the fierce little guy he is. This morning I woke up around 8, and went in to visit with WarMan, but he was snoring. I laid in bed for an hour but he never woke up, so rather than bother him, I went down to bother PunkRock. We had fanfuckingtastic sex (in my humble opinion) and then fell back asleep. At 11:00 I was woken by PunkRock's cat, Stormy, so I grabbed my cell phone to see that WarMan was leaving for the day, so I went upstairs to get kisses. He was in a mood like I haven't seen in a few weeks - he was happy and upbeat. He told me he had actually gotten some sleep the night before. I was disappointed to miss out on his good mood, but Saturdays are days now that he spends with Monkey, so I said a silent plea that she was able to enjoy this gift, and off he went.
Everyone is now gone and I am home alone. DarkKnight and our daughter go to her Shop class on Sarurdays, and PunkRock is working from 1:30 to 10 pm tonight. I was playing some Fallout 3, but I think I am going to get up and figure out something else to do with my open afternoon. I need to clean the garage and sort my freezer, but I could also finally clean up my craft desk. I actually started that the other day and it would be nice to have it finished! I am also motivated to do more ancestry research - I spent an hour or so yesterday morning on my 3rd great grandmother Josephine, from England, and I have hit a dead end, so I need to regroup. She was 16 when she married, and illiterate. Her father was named Joseph, according to the records I have, but nothing else so far. She lied on her marriage license and said she was 18, and signed an X as her mark. I have copies of every census after that, and her birthdate and age don't match up to her marriage license. Tsk, tsk! She had 10 children, but I have no idea how or when she passed away, but several of her kids I found in Canada. I am excited to research the kids further - maybe I can find some clues from their records.
Didn't mean to go off like that...I guess I know what I want to do today!
Hannahfluke
Member
I was thinking about this and how you had said that you are finding that Warman shows less desire to move with you as time goes on while I was reading a response you had written on another thread. I started wondering if the depression and waffling about moving started when Warman moved into your home. If so, I wonder if he had built up this idea in his head that moving in would put him in the same category as Punkrock and Darknight, so he wouldn't feel like the odd man out anymore, the boyfriend who feels less than the two husbands. I'm guessing that not much has changed since he moved in, other than logistics of no longer having a 20 minute drive to see each other and he's struggling with the difference between what he wished for and what has actually happened.
The reason I thought of this is because when you post in other parts of the board, giving advice or whatever, more often than not, you mention your husbands and your experiences with them, but other than your signature, there's no mention of Warman. I doubt it's something you conciously do, but I wanted to comment on it as a possible explanation for recent changes in his attitude and wanting to move. I know you've been stressed and not feeling 100% because of the ringworm that turned out not to really be ringworm, which I'm sure has had an affect on all your relationships. I'm not even sure if I'm right, but I figured it couldn't hurt to tell you what I saw as a possible issue.
IndieSolo
Active member
You now what I think? I'd bet anything that, when he's hanging with Monkey, she says things and makes little comments here and there that sabotage any good feelings WarMan might possibly have about himself and his relationship with you, Bluebird.
It may not be done consciously, but I say that because they had a long, intense period in their friendship where she "rescued" him and he depended on her (and he still feels that he owes her for that). So, on an unconscious level, she may believe that if she can do or say things that keep him down and feeling bad about himself, then she wins because he will still need her, and turn to her for comfort. It doesn't take much to poison someone with words or attitude.
I just keep having this feeling that Monkey's become something of a saboteur because she doesn't want to move on and accept that he can be happy, have a girlfriend, and still be her friend without being lost or in trouble. She has no idea what her role in his life is anymore, and may be trying to hold on to what she knows. And she may also feel it is unfair that the guy she rescued can have good things and happiness while her marriage and personal life isn't so rewarding right now.
And that is my internet psychoanalysis for the evening!
It may not be done consciously, but I say that because they had a long, intense period in their friendship where she "rescued" him and he depended on her (and he still feels that he owes her for that). So, on an unconscious level, she may believe that if she can do or say things that keep him down and feeling bad about himself, then she wins because he will still need her, and turn to her for comfort. It doesn't take much to poison someone with words or attitude.
I just keep having this feeling that Monkey's become something of a saboteur because she doesn't want to move on and accept that he can be happy, have a girlfriend, and still be her friend without being lost or in trouble. She has no idea what her role in his life is anymore, and may be trying to hold on to what she knows. And she may also feel it is unfair that the guy she rescued can have good things and happiness while her marriage and personal life isn't so rewarding right now.
And that is my internet psychoanalysis for the evening!