Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

I just wanted to note that you broke up with Gawain. Good for you. He was dragging you down. How typical he hadn't cleaned his cat's box in 2 weeks. Poor things.

Enjoy putting up your tree! And Darkknight as Father Christmas for the Blessing Box people is so sweet.
 
He really was dragging me down. I refuse to be in an unhealthy dynamic. I keep telling myself that, anyway.

I am still sort of chatting with SirGawain’s ex-FWB’s husband. We had a really good conversation about kinks and relationships and I was really excited about getting to meet him. Lately though he has gone a few days with no messages. I texted him yesterday and he answered my question and then ignored my follow up, which he answered this morning. He has seemed to suddenly shift to not being interested at all. Maybe life is getting in the way, but it is bumming me out. It really looked promising.

I am currently still in bed but I will be rising and shining here shortly! I am waiting for DarkKnight to finish showering, so I can get in there myself. He will be going over to the shelter clinic to pick up our foster cat and bring him home. We have missed him.

I am so very tired - DarkKnight was up before me and we had some sexy times, though I was still not fully awake when we started. I felt bad about that because we have sex so infrequently - I want to be 100% present for it, you know?
 
I am shaking right now. I really don’t know what to do. PunkRock has been drinking again. I know this because last night his breath smelled like it. I asked him and he laughed and said not at all, but he had just brushed his teeth. I was like, okayyyy. He was clearly out of it - he looked drunk. He was being sillier than usual and I was like, well he has never lied to me. This morning when he went into the shower, I went over to his side of the bed and saw two used Gatorade bottles. He pretty much drinks water out of them nonstop - he refills and carries them around. He has our entire relationship. I unscrewed one, water. Unscrewed the other and it was vodka. I went into the shower and handed it to him, and then went upstairs.

He’s drinking. He’s lying to me. I am just numb.

DarkKnight just went out to get us lunch, so I called him to tell him what i found.

I don’t know what else to do. I am devastated.
 
I'm sorry, Bluebird. Loving alcoholics and addicts is really freaking hard...especially when they lie about their relapses. No words of wisdom, just some ((hugs)).
 
I told him I wanted him to leave. My youngest is in Arizona with her boyfriend for another week, so I sent PunkRock to her apartment for a few days. I asked her but didn't say why. I don't need to intrude on her vacation. He left to go to an AA meeting at 2pm, and then messaged me asking to return to pick up some clothes for work - I told him to come and make his lunch as well. I didn't see him. I stayed hidden.

I feel like dying. Like, for real. Today is the worst day of my life.

I have spent two years in and out of therapy working on my trust issues. For PunkRock to lie to me - I can't get past it. It feels like a nail through every nerve ending. I am physically and emotionally ill.

I don't know what to do. Is there a guide? A how to survive book, for when your husband has broken your heart? He was my person. Now my soul is shattered. I don't think I can bounce back like last time. I think this may be it for us.
 
I'm so sorry, Bluebird.
 
No guidebook but Al-anon helped me. It's strange at first, I had to try several meetings to find the ones that worked best for me, but it helped me immensely. And it's significantly cheaper than therapy. My therapist is the one who suggested I try it.
 
Oh Bluebird! I'm so sorry to hear this! Addiction is a horrible thing. I'm sending internet hugs if you need them.

Leetah
 
Maybe try to see it less as an attack against you and remember that someone with alcohol dependency has just fell of the wagon and probably feel pretty shit about that. You may feel betrayed as he hid his failure but it's probably nothing compared to how he feels about falling backwards. The last thing I'd want to hear someone saying is "look what you've done to me". Look what he has done to himself.

If you can't have an addict in the house and new to put him out for that reason, fair enough. But it seems like you're putting him in the naughty corner for failing to please you.
 
For failing to please me? You mean for lying and breaking my trust? Yeah, I am not okay with that. The addiction is bad enough but that on top of things is unbearable. I'm not giving that a pass - ever. Especially not after all of the therapy I have been through to even trust people who are not lying and don't plan to lie. It absolutely is about me and what I can handle. PunkRock's alcoholism is on him, as is his choice to lie to me about what was going on. Both are now greatly affecting our relationship, and the alcoholism almost destroyed us the last time he had a relapse. The lying on top of this makes everything a million times worse to me.

Naughty corner? Holy fuck, my marriage is in jeopardy. GTFO with that phrasing. I asked my husband to give me space to think and process. It would not be healthy for me to try and find a way forward with this without taking time to meet with my therapist and read all I can, and talk to my support network. I am learning to stop and put my own oxygen mask on first. His presence is overwhelming. I can't think except to want to be in his arms and close, to feel his skin against mine, to give and receive comfort. He is my person.

I texted with him on and off yesterday. I had spoken to his parents, and his father called and talked to him. PunkRock said he did make it to the AA meeting and that he was glad he went. That he hadn't been doing the work he needed to keep sober and in a good mental health space. He said he hadn't considered that maybe his meds may need to be adjusted, and he is going to maybe add that to his list moving forward.

He told me that he doesn't want to leave me and wants to regain my trust. He is going to come over today in a few hours so we can talk.

DarkKnight is going with my son to pick up some furniture in Chambersburg - his mom sold their family home and so she is clearing out everything and gifting the Blessing Box a bunch of stuff. I was supposed to be putting up my Christmas tree this afternoon with CornFlower, but he came over last night to give hugs and support. He said he understood that I needed to talk to PunkRock today and he would respect that, no problem. We're in crisis, and that overrides everything. I appreciated seeing him.

I hope PunkRock has had enough time to work up a plan so he can deal with his demons. Or, at least get together a framework of what he might possibly do. I know I am going to be having a therapy appointment just as soon as I can squeeze it in next week - if my therapist isn't off on vacation the entire time. Shit. I hadn't thought about that until now. Ugh.

I love PunkRock so very much. I can't begin to describe the bond we share. He is my light and he's my focus. I have zero doubt that our composite atoms came from the same star, somewhere out there in the cosmos. He gets goosebumps when I put my hand on his arm - every time. I can feel the energy - it's a palpable, living thing. We're entangled in so many ways on a deep level.

Sending him away and asking for a separation made me physically ill. I threw up yesterday and had diarrhea on and off. It was the opposite of a pleasant time. I absolutely needed the space though. I have to build a plan - so I can help my husband with his healing, without jeopardizing my own. Can I do that? I still don't know. I want to talk to him face to face now, and hear what he is going to do moving forward. Then I can see if there is room for the both of us to continue to be together and be healthy. I really, really want that to happen.
 
Bluebird, I am sorry this has happened. It's an illness. Did you vow to be with each other in sickness and in health?

I know how deeply you love him and vice versa.

I have a very good friend I've known since we were in elementary school. Her husband (a dear sweet loving talented non-violent man) of 30 years is an alcoholic. He didn't stop drinking (despite AA, and inpatient care of several months at a time) until she went to Al Anon and learned to stop being codependent. It really helped her. And them.
 
Not that I necessarily think you are co-dependent.

Do you at all wonder if PunkRock might've been showing signs of slipping away but you missed the signs since you've been busy breaking up with SirG, and making moves towards his ex's husband, and doing your Blessing Box, seeing Cornflower, etc., etc.? You're very type A and always busy.

Again, I am not blaming you, but I am wondering what happened to trigger Punk falling off the wagon? I'm sure you've been having discussions.

Maybe it's just his meds that need tweaking and to "do the work," as you say, go back to frequent AA meetings and such. Maybe things are, or were, fine between you and Punk, despite your recent changes in your love life, etc.

It's a lifelong battle, addiction. I am sorry you are hurting.
 
I have not been ignoring PunkRock. He was very...strategic with his drinking. He made sure it was when I was in another city or already asleep in DarkKnight’s room. That’s what makes it shittier - he planned it around our built in family structure.

I told him I wanted to see him to talk about our relationship moving forward. DarkKnight and my son were in Chambersburg, transporting furniture for the Blessing Box, so we had time to spend alone, uninterrrupted. When he opened the front door, I went to him. He wrapped me in one of his amazing hugs and wouldn’t let go. He was sobbing - his eyes were just pouring tears. My husband doesn’t cry, y’all. He holds his emotions in check, always. He doesn’t want to lose me and he has a plan.

Because he just started a new job, his insurance is complete shit until January. He wants to go back to his old therapist - the one he was seeing a couple of years ago when he fell off the wagon then. He said she was helpful and he feels like his issue isn’t really alcohol, but addressing the underlying problem, which is his sense of self worth. He wants to start seeing her regularly and also get his meds checked out, because it could be possible that his chronic depression is leaking. He doesn’t want to wait until January, but that’s when his insurance will be improved enough to afford it.

In the meantime, he’s going to go to A.A. meetings once a week, because even though he feels as if he can now stay sober without them, it will be a regular checkpoint in his mind that he needs to be vigilant. Also, he can demonstrate to me that he is serious about recovery. He is also going to go to therapy with my own guy, with me, for the next month. Realistically this will probably only be two visits, with the holidays and all, but he’s met with my therapist before, with me, and we can go as a couple to talk about things. It’s better than nothing.

One thing that has been aggravating is the number of friends and family who have asked me if it’s because PunkRock doesn’t like that I am poly, or if he feels replaced by CornFlower. I never thought this in my head, even a little bit. When i told him about how his stepmom brought it up (among others) he was actually sort of disgusted. He said he knew his last bout of drinking had been seemingly triggered by my dating, but everything with him is so much deeper than that. He said he has been an alcoholic since his college days, well before he even met me. His mental health has been unstable even before that. This time was triggered by a number of things - a new job, his finances, feeling like he will never be successful in everything he wants to accomplish. Nothing at all to do with polyamory, CornFlower, DarkKnight or me.

He wants to be with me, he doesn’t want to leave, he wants to get healthy. He is home now. ❤️
 
Today was crazypants. I have this first anniversary raffle going on, and every 15 minutes my doorbell was ringing from someone wanting to donate canned goods to score 10 tickets. I made some money as well, mmm about $40? So that's sweet. But, that also meant I had to find time to put shit away. I had a volunteer in for an hour and we knocked it out of the park together. At least, you can see my game room table now. This is important since we play Zombicide tomorrow night!

DarkKnight just left for choral practice and I am waiting for PunkRock to get home. He wants to go to Hobby Lobby, but I think they may be closed by the time he gets here. He also wants to buy something at the grocery store, and I need to pick up some sides for our Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday. We also need to go to dinner tonight! I forgot to have lunch today because I was so busy, so that meant I had chai today. To say I am hungry is an understatement!

I have been collecting quite a bit of Christmas donations - I am doing a big giveaway on December 8th, the same day as my raffle. Free ornaments, trees, wreaths, whatever all day long on my porch. Yesterday I spent the afternoon organizing stuff in bins and today all of the donations of this type got dumped in front of those bins, so that means tomorrow I will have to focus on those again. GAH! Some of the stuff that has been dropped off is REALLY nice.

Between the raffle and the Christmas donations, I have almost doubled my work. And I wasn't slow to begin with! I am keeping busy with our Letters to Santa program too. 85 letters in the first week is our final count for now, (this goes until December 17) and I think there are only 6 letters that haven't been sponsored. When I started this I figured we might get 100 letters total, and I could maybe pick 10 or so to be sponsored. Wow, did I ever underestimate how amazing people can be. I literally thought of this while wondering through Walmart and sleeping on the idea for one night. Now I have people all over town and even some out of state, buying presents for adults and children. This is freaking amazeballs.
 
Your most recent post was so full of positive energy that I didn’t want to ruin things...but I just wanted to say that I totally empathize with what you are going through with PunkRock.

My dad hid his alcoholism so well that by the time we noticed he was having weird silly behavior and episodes of trouble balancing, my mom and I thought he had a neurological condition. It didn’t even occur to us that he could be an alcoholic. We had almost never seen him drink.

My mom was taking him to the emergency room, convinced that he had a brain tumor or something. He must have panicked, knowing that he was about to be found out, because he got out of the car in the middle of a traffic jam on the way there. She got him back in and they went to the hospital. His tests came back normal except that his BAC was super high.

I can’t imagine the anger my mom must have felt in that moment when those test results came back — that my dad had known what the issue was all along and hadn’t told her or asked for help....that she had been so worried and scared for him and he couldn’t just be honest with her. The embarrassment of bringing her drunk husband to the hospital, convinced that he needs an MRI, and being blindsided by the news that he is an alcoholic.

I don’t know if he told her the truth right then or if he told her later. I didn’t find out until they both told me together what had happened when they went to the hospital. My dad explained that he had been sneaking vodka since college. Like I said, this was a total shock to us — we had never seen my dad have more than one beer or a glass of wine.

A few years later, I found an old picture of my dad on Christmas and I could tell from his expression that he had been drunk. It was so painful, thinking about how long this had been going on and how none of us had known. That I my sister and I were just little kids and had no idea that my dad was sneaking off and drinking on Christmas Day. The picture had been taken at my grandparents house, so then I started wondering, “Did my dad drive home that Christmas? Did my dad drive drunk?” It is terrifying to think about.

I just wanted you to know that that betrayal of trust is awful and I know how hard it is to trust someone who has lied about something like that. My partners have a lot of issues with mental illness and there are aspects of that that can be really awful and sometimes scary....but I am grateful that I have never encountered lies with them the way that my mom did with my dad.

I think you are handling it all very well. You are doing what is right for your family.
 
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Thank you for sharing your story. I have to say that I think the other night was the only time I have ever seen PunkRock drunk. He was just ridiculously dumb AF. He’s super intelligent, so seeing him act loopy and stupid was a wtf moment for sure. Thinking back, I can’t pinpoint any other times when he was actually drunk in my presence, so that is a relief at least! I hadn’t thought to rewind and figure out if he had been until you posted, so thanks - I feel a little better knowing that he is telling the truth about having been drinking for just two weeks and planning it for when I was not home. When I write words like “just” it makes me cringe. I am still hurting from this.

Yesterday was 1 week since this happened and he hasn’t gone back to A.A. yet - I am going to bring it up. It’s important to me that he continue with what he said he was going to do. That said, he had mandatory overtime and worked every single day this week except for Thanksgiving. He didn’t have any time to go. He has today off, but we are actually having Thanksgiving today, and he’s helping me decorate our tree (finally) and putting up the outdoor lights before we have our dinner in the afternoon.

I was emotional before bed last night with him. I am so scared of this continually being a problem. I need it to be next week so I can see my therapist!
 
Today was exhausting; the Blessing Box Santa program kept me busy, but I welcomed the distraction. I broke up with CornFlower yesterday, in the morning. It was rather unexpected in that I started out a conversation with him over instant message, actually talking to him about posting stuff in my journal. He started making comments and suddenly I was like, okay, well then, we’re done. To be honest I am kind of out of it at the moment and I don’t even remember what I was concerned about - and I guess at this point it doesn’t matter.

I am bummed out and feeling sad, but I think it was a good decision. Tomorrow would have been 5 months. Ultimtely, we were fundamentally incompatible in the bedroom, and that’s not my fault or his, we’re just different people. He’s a decent person. Just not my person.

I am going to go get tested at the beginning of January, so all my ducks are in a row. Until then, I think I am going to pull off of OKC.
 
Holy shit I hate my laptop. I need a new one in the worst way. It isn't on the list of priorities though. HA! Which reminds me that we never did a State of the Union meeting in October. FML UGH This computer is so aggravating - the speed is glacial and things are constantly crashing. This morning it decided to wipe all of my bookmarks and shortcuts in FireFox, and then restored them 5 minutes later, after I started crying in frustration.

Today promises to be another busy day - right now I am updating here, but then I need to get dressed. I've been fielding messages already this morning - I had a few coat requests come in last night and I am trying to get those either filled before my class starts at 9 am. Thankfully today's lesson is easy-peasy on prokaryotic creatures and then a whole bunch of protozoans. The lab is using microscopes so I don't have to be too involved - the kids have got this!

I have a TON of Amazon deliveries arriving today from different people all over the US who have sponsored some of my Santa letters. So those have to be dealt with immediately - opening, updating the sender that I have their items and not to worry, marking the UPC codes and getting them into storage bins and organized by family. Then updating the spreadsheet. All the while being interrupted by doorbell rings and new messages. Fun, fun, fun! That said, I have 139 letters. All but 4 have a sponsor. This is WAY beyond what I imagined - I figured I'd get anywhere from 100-200 letters, but I thought I'd have like 20 sponsored. Not close to 100% sponsorship! My house is BURSTING with presents. I advertised as everyone getting a letter back from Santa, and maybe a few people would get a single gift. Instead, no one is getting a letter back, and everyone is getting one or more presents! I have some donors who stuck to the single gift idea, and then I have some who bought to a certain dollar amount, and then there are those who filled the wish list! I am well on my way to having over 500 gifts here.

I desperately need rubbermaid totes. And more space. My living room is stacked to the ceiling with bins labeled by family number. I am going to be having a wrapping party on Friday night to get all of the presents wrapped up as our first delivery date is this coming Sunday. DarkKnight is dressing as Santa and together we are going to go spread Christmas cheer all over our city. It's pretty amazing.

So anyway, if anyone is interested in being a sponsor - I currently have 4 people who need some holiday magic! Send me a message and you can help. #shamelessplug

My afternoon really depends on how many packages I get this morning. I really am hoping I can deal with those quickly, but more than likely that won't happen. I had about an hour to focus in my foster kitten room last night - which is now where Christmas has exploded. I need to get to that today if I can. That space is stacked to the ceiling with donated Christmas trees, decorations and ornaments. I am trying to get them into bins and labeled so when I put them all out on my porch on December 8 for the community, it isn't so crazy. Right now that room looks like an episode of Hoarders. It's not stressing me out though - that I can deal with and I have a couple of people who have volunteered. Though, until I get some space cleared, only I can fit in there. lolol

My period is on its way out and it isn't too soon. Such an aggravation.

What else can I share? I think we are going to keep our current foster, Albus. He's the one who had a leg amputated. He got the okay to be out of his crate all the time now, but he still has to wear a cervical collar and cone, as he has an open wound on his back hip. They can't stretch the skin any further, so they have to let it close on its own. It's funny - he doesn't care at all about the surgical site where his front leg was taken from him, but that hole on his hip makes him frantic. I am sure it is super itchy. He is the sweetest baby boy ever though. We want to keep him but until he is all the way healed, he can't meet our other cats except for under the bedroom door. He's living in DarkKnight's room full time.
 
Bluebird, you amaze me with all that you do with the blessing box, the kitties you foster, teaching, and being a good wife and mother to your family. Your community is blessed to have you.
 
Thank you for that kindness!

I am feeling sick right now. Yesterday I had a lot of exhaustion and sinus headaches, but I went to sleep without any medicine. OMG there is this terrible show on Netflix called Release the Hounds where people go on a game show and it’s a horror show where they get chased down by real dogs. Lmao I watched two episodes and then fell asleep.
 
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