Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Hugs, BlueBird.
With everything going on right now, it sounds like taking some time for yourself to read some new books is going to be healthy for you. Keep looking out for YOU too!
 
Thanks. I just spent 2 hours in the woods surrounding Greenbrier Lake. It was my first time out this year and it felt nice. It’s not a hike - it’s a nature walk. Lol I meandered, I looked at trees, flowers, rocks and moss. It was really nice to just be by myself. I’m sure people reading this are like what? Lol I do like being alone sometimes! I did the (easy) Lake Loop and then started along the Big Red Trail and came back down Copperhead (moderate). I am looking forward to being out again - but I was worried about the time because I have to pick up DarkKnight from work.

As big of a mess I was last night, I was calm and happy today. I guess I dumped all my stress and it’s time to move on.

Ok, I was going to post a photo of me getting ready to go on my hike, but the phone interface is saying it’s too large? So here’s a different photo of me taken a couple of days ago. Lol

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DarkKnight & I finished up watching Picard this morning, and then I decided to go out in the woods again while he headed off to his mom’s funeral. I wish I could go, if only to be his support. He doesn’t want to be there with his family - they are so terrible to him and his heart can’t take it! He says he really just needs to go, and then come home and focus on anything else. With Corona, no more than 10 people can attend.

PunkRock is NOT moved out - there is a ton of stuff left. BugGirl says she is never helping anyone move ever again, and our gaming friend - who was helping out as well yesterday - said the same. We kept our distance from him when he was picking up his vehicle from our house, and he said PunkRock did not disclose the fact that he has a 4-flight walk up where the stairs turn. Lol All I know is I want all this stuff gone ASAP. He has until April 1 though, so he still has time.

I am pretty tired right now. My hike didn’t go as planned. I wanted to do another easy trail, but I went the wrong way and ended up on a moderate trail that was muddy and rocky, and then I was led to a difficult one that was straight up for a while with sliding leaves. Lord! I am ready to go home but DarkKnight is still at the burial.

Hey! Another photo! Deleting PunkRock’s album freed up a bunch of space.

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After being sequestered all week by himself, MisterMoonbeam came over again this weekend and we spent most of the nighttime in bed having hot as hell sex. During the day, he helped me in the overflow room (the Box has been closed since Wednesday but I still needed to organize) and we played some board games & had dinner with DarkKnight.

I worry about him putting himself at risk, but I don’t feel worried about myself - he isn’t seeing anyone working from home, so he’s not apt to give me anything. He showed up Friday night, and we were together until Sunday afternoon. He had a video date lined up with his girlfriend so he needed to get home. He isn’t seeing her and hasn’t seen her in person because she’s immune compromised and sequestering completely by herself. Apparently though, the date didn’t happen for whatever reason.

Anyway, things are progressing, I guess? He told me he has serious NRE and would be devastated if I decide not to see him anymore. I like him a lot. He’s super sweet, and we are joking that we still haven’t had a real first date. It’s weird because our first date was 2 overnights and a 12 hour round trip car ride. That’s certainly a way to find out if you are compatible or not! We’ve both shared a whole lot of heartfelt information about our current feelings, past relationships, etc.

I told him I really don’t know what is in my head. Like, I am still struggling with my breakup, but I definitely do have some feelings toward him. I don’t really know about rebound relationships - I have never had one, I don’t think, so I am not sure about what I should be avoiding or on the lookout for. The sex is amazing - like, really amazing. I would not classify him as a FWB but just on that alone I would love to have him in my life! He’s like the most respectful Dom-ish guy ever. Asks for consent for everything, is careful to check in with me and hasn’t tried out anything too extreme, even though I know he is excited to move forward. He makes me feel sexy, valued and happy. And very, very horny!

I love talking to him and hearing his input on things, and learning about his life. I definitely have butterflies. We have a lot in common, and we are both kind of muddling through with what our own individual lives are going to look like moving forward. Me, because of losing PunkRock (who still isn’t all the way moved out yet) and him, because he wife of 20 years passed in October.

I really love snuggling up with him - he’s just tall enough and big enough and fuzzy enough so I fit next to him perfectly. So cuddly! We plan to meet up again this weekend as long as he is remaining sequestered at home in the meantime, and I continue to take precautions at my house. Right now neither of our states have shelter-in-place orders, and I am hoping that continues. If that changes we will have to adapt. I told him right now he’s it for me. I didn’t have any intention of meeting anyone yet anyway, but the issue with AntMan accelerated things. And Corona has put other dating prospects on hold and the only reason I feel comfortable continuing to meet up with him is because he isn’t having contact with other people - he’s the one taking risks to meet up with me! Plus now I wouldn’t consider sleeping with anyone new, as I always now wait a month between new sex partners to minimize STD risks. With Corona, I won’t be going in to get those panels run anytime soon. I don’t fear I will catch anything from him - his last test was in January - but I will always be safe.

That said, I have been using my diaphragm without any spermicide! I am out and our local Walgreens is as well. I ordered some from Amazon and it should be here this week. However, it’s not a major concern as he has the typical middle age man plight of having difficulties with finishing inside a woman and needing a specific technique that does the trick. So he hasn’t put me in any situations where I feel there is a risk. He didn’t even come during every encounter - his priority was always on me and my feelings and just giving me as many orgasms as he could. Which was a lot!

DarkKnight and MisterMoonbeam seem to have the same level of compersion- it’s interesting to have two partners who are both checking in with me about each other and encouraging me to keep communication flowing. When MisterMoonbeam left Sunday afternoon, DarkKnight and I finished watching episodes of Tiger King (holy shit that was a train wreck and hilarious!) and then fell into bed with each other as well. I have been concerned about him but he has been clear about wanting some space to deal with his grief over his mother’s death and the feelings he has about his extended family. He told me to go spend time with MisterMoonbeam so he could handle that. So I did. Reconnecting in the bedroom after a weekend with MisterMoonbeam was great, even though I was exhausted! We took a nap afterward, and then in the evening we ordered in pizza and started rewatching the first season of The Expanse.

SmoothJazz out of the blue messaged me again and I told him I was seeing someone and he seemed disappointed and didn’t have much to say afterword.
 
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Right now neither of our states have shelter-in-place orders, and I am hoping that continues. If that changes we will have to adapt.
New York is the most restrictive state right now and we are still able to drive around at our own discretion. Police are not stopping anyone from driving to wherever they need to go - it's really a testament to the honor system. You can sequester with someone who lives in another house if you drive just between the houses. So if Maryland does go on lockdown, you'll very likely still be able to drive and visit.
 
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Well we just went on lockdown. His state (Virginia) has a press conference at 2 pm, and we are figuring they’re about to do the same. Sigh.

I did a bunch of reading last night and this morning about rebound relationships. I feel really confident that I am not currently in one. Lol Like, several articles have checklists and I only ever have to check one item out of ten when they are listing warning signs. He is nothing like PunkRock, so I am not trying to fill that void with a copy, and I’m not feeling like the relationship is frivolous and I’m not keeping him hidden from my family or friends because I think it’s a temporary thing. I’m not using him to “get back at” PunkRock and have no desire to parade him in front of PunkRock. Oh, and I talk to him all the time, not just when I am in a low emotional state. I do like the positive attention though, but I could get that from DarkKnight, or any random dude, to be honest. So yay? Not a rebound? I am cautious about it.

I’m also not using the relationship as an escape from dealing with my emotions surrounding the breakup. God, in a way I wish I could! I can see the allure of ignoring all the bad feelings and letting myself just focus on the positive. However, given all the issues I have surrounding attachment - shit is very real.
 
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So I guess shit is real. BugGirl is pissed at me because she wants her new guy to be able to come and go and spend the night. I told her no, because that’s exactly what the lockdown is supposed to be preventing - households need to hunker down. I get that she sees him at work already, but it’s not okay to me to have him in and out of the house.

That said, MisterMoonbeam is on his way right now to come shelter in place with us. We had quite a flurry of messages between he and I, and BugGirl, and DarkKnight this afternoon. DarkKnight actually called me to discuss our course of action and how we could make sure everyone felt comfortable. Then I had to message PunkRock, because it seems he has more stuff in our basement still than I anticipated. DarkKnight is going to be moving down to the basement (as planned) but we won’t have time to paint the one wall beforehand. He says he doesn’t give a shit. Lol I took all of PunkRock’s clothing - only stuff still in the bedroom area - and put it into the studio space. THAT area is full of boxes, and when I checked out the unfinished section - he hasn’t done a damn thing. I don’t think he is going to be out as soon as he says. The plan right now is for him to stop by after work today and grab his clothes and as many of the boxes as he can to get them out of here. The king size bed frame still down there is being disassembled by DarkKnight as I type this. We are going to give that away through the Blessing Box.

After MisterMoonbeam arrives, he and DarkKnight are headed to Sam’s Club to get a new queen size bed for DarkKnight, which they will bring home and get set up tonight. Every other furniture store is closed, but I called and they have some in stock. MisterMoonbeam will be holed up in DarkKnight’s old bedroom, with the 2 year old bed set in there now. At least, temporarily. He works from home so we need to clear out the office - this is crazypants right now! The lockdown is definitely accelerating things.

This is not going to be a permanent move. In one way I wish I had not met MisterMoonbeam yet. With my attachment issues though, I greatly fear that time apart is going to severely damage our burgeoning relationship. By sheltering together, that won’t happen. At least, not because of attachment stuff! There’s a risk in everything, and if he ends up being a nutter, he can head back home. He seems pretty cautious though, and I trust him. Somewhat. I am low on trust in a lot of ways these days, actually.
 
I talked to PunkRock yesterday and he’s coming back tonight to get another car load of stuff. I told him not to worry about the unfinished side of the basement right now. There is zero chance he can get it done, and it’s all long term storage stuff for him. I will need the space in June, but not before. So I asked him to just try and have it gone by the end of May.

The new queen bed was purchased and set up for DarkKnight. I have an order out to try and find a set of mid century night stands to match his dressers, which we plan to move downstairs tonight. My friend owns a furniture store and she said she would keep an eye out. I am tired of the musical rooms already but it should be done before too long.
 
Feeling out of sorts today and just depressed and down. I was happy that the Blessing Box is closed today, but I don’t have anything to focus on and my emotions are just blah. PunkRock has came by once today (I didn’t see him) and he is apparently headed back right now. I had to text him both times to make sure his stuff is moving out. I asked him to give me his key back but he hasn’t so far. I’m not worried about him jacking anything but I am tired of him having access and just want the move finished. The stuff still stored in the back room he can just make an appointment to pick up - I don’t see why he should be walking around with a key to my house still.

Things are good with MisterMoonbeam. He has had a bunch of meetings today and he seems down and in the dumps as well. Ugh.

I have tried to get motivated with planning and looking at ideas on Pinterest to redesign the basement suite. We don’t need a big art studio since PunkRock is gone (almost) so I am thinking about walling off the space and redecorating it to be an office for DarkKnight. BigGirl and I had a long conversation and walked around down there and discussed furniture and design this morning. One of the issues with the current area is that everything is open, so paying for a permit and closing up the walls and ceiling was a little daunting, time wise. If we build out a wall and enclose the space, it would make sense to do just the one room - and much cheaper as well. The subfloor is complete, and all of the electrical.

I did some work in the existing office upstairs today - I packed up a full bookcase of DarkKnight’s Transformers and part of a second one. The plan is to move the 55” TV down to his new basement bedroom, and the two bookcases as well, tonight. His two dressers, he and MisterMoonbeam moved those last night. We bought two lamps and two nightstands for the basement bedroom and got those installed last night as well, but the nightstands are tiny and are not going to stay - I am on the hunt for a pair of vintage ones that match the dressers, which are mid century ones.
 
My life is strange now. MisterMoonbeam and I are getting along fine. He and I have fallen into an easy rhythm and his interactions with DarkKnight have been great. DarkKnight likes him a lot, and they’re very similar in tons of ways. Lots of times they finish each other’s quotes or they’ll be laughing at things that I just roll my eyes at. They also tease me a lot together, but that seems to be a dynamic every partner I’ve ever brought home has adopted. Maybe I am just easy to make fun of? Lol

I am heading to Virginia today with MisterMoonbeam - he has to move by June and his house needs packed up. He has a 3-day weekend every other week, so we are going to time things to head back and forth to get it done. Should be a straight shot and we won’t be interacting with anyone else, so no worry with spreading the virus. He is looking at available properties online but hasn’t been able to set up any visits - he is hoping to move to Frederick, which is 20-30 minutes from where I live.

I am a little disappointed about how our relationship is progressing. He clearly has NRE but mine is fleeting. I am still battling depression and my emotions are up and down. At no time do I regret him being here or in my life, but I wish I could have that constant squee and dizziness. If anything, I am more cautious and pragmatic about being together. That’s not to say that I’m at all unhappy - it’s just like I am outside, looking in at our interactions and I wish I had the headspace to be an idiot over him. I can’t help but wonder if this is something I will struggle with from now on - is it just too soon after the breakup, or is this a permanent change? Our sex life is really good, and I feel supported by him in many ways though. He’s a solid, decent dude. I feel really lucky to have matched up with him when I did.

PunkRock moved a load of stuff again yesterday but there are still a bunch of his things here. I’ve asked him to return his key but he hasn’t. He also hasn’t given me an update as to when he will be paying me the rest of the cash he promised. When he finished and left yesterday, our cat Milton cried and yowled for an hour. Our blind kitty, Poppy, has also become increasingly snuggly towards me. That I won’t complain about!
 
In my opinion, it's much too soon after the breakup. And to have someone you just met living with you, in a lockdown, during a pandemic crisis, 24/7-- that's a lot to process. I am not sure most of us would ever attempt this.

It doesn't seem wise.

You do you, though. You make your choices. You decide if it's healthy for you.
 
Oh, I wouldn’t describe anything I ever do as wise! However, I don’t think it’s a break from myself or my character. I’ve always been one to follow my heart and then process. It’s probably why I ended up with PunkRock in the first place - he was living with his alcoholic brother, unemployed with loads of debt after blowing through his inheritance. Bipolar alcoholic himself - and a smoker to boot, which is a character flaw I NEVER am okay with, in a person I date. DarkKnight was like, really? It wasn’t wise, but I loved him completely, and fully. There was never a person on the planet who aligned with me more - the resonance was clear. The fact that he could no longer see that, or that he could so easily decide to ignore it - I must have been mistaken.

That’s what gives me hesitancy now. If I could be so very wrong about someone, that someone I felt was quantum entangled with me - that he could just throw me away with zero planning - there is something in me that is flawed. I won’t ever heal. I’m not being dramatic about this, as it’s something I just KNOW. A part of myself is missing and I can’t get that back.

I am not trying to fit MisterMoonbeam into that space. It’s sealed off. However, he’s someone who I would date, at ay other point in my life. To shut him out now, I would be doing more harm to me. I am pretty certain of that.
 
If PunkRock was your husband, why wasn't the house also his? I had been under the impression all along that the three of you jointly owned it as a family unit. I was very surprised to find he put so much into it, financial and sweat equity, yet was only a renter. I wonder if that ever led to him feeling he wasn't really a co-husband.

I have to agree with Magdlyn and I also wonder how it appears to your daughter that you can move a boyfriend you just met right in but it's a viral danger if she does.

I think that especially when we have children, we should be thinking about wise decisions and how our decisions affect everyone around us.
 
The ownership issue has already been answered, WhatHappened. Read back.
 
Well, my daughter wasn’t looking to move in a boyfriend. She wanted a one-time sleepover with a booty call. This isn’t someone she is actually dating. Also, my daughter is going to be 30 in a minute, so I am not too concerned about her picking up any relationship cues from me at this age! Truthfully, if Corona wasn’t an issue, I would not have had a problem with it.

And yeah, I talked about PunkRock’s contributions to the house previously, if you scroll up. He had no financial ties to the house at all, as DarkKnight 100% funded the $15,000 down payment and he paid for all of the repairs and remodeling done so far. PunkRock was putting in sweat equity, with the understanding that in 5 years, he would be added to the note as a co-owner. Any time less than that, he would walk away with nothing. This was discussed and agreed to every time we had a State if the Union meeting. It was set up this way to protect DarkKnight’s initial investment.
 
I think the financial contribution What Happened is referring to is the monthly amount PunkRock contributed towards the mortgage/ utilities, etc.... which basically is no different than paying rent (and is silly of WH to keep asking!)

How is Dark Knight handling all the changes? That would be my main concern. With the grief from his mother's death and all the drama and contention within his family, PunkRock moving out and now MoonBeam moving in, that seems like a lot for Dark Knight to handle. I'm dealing with a parent death myself, and I really don't think I would have the emotional bandwidth at the moment, to handle a new meta moving in... but I realize we are all different.
 
DarkKnight is up and down. He was glad that I closed the Blessing Box this weekend, and that MisterMoonbeam and I were gone. He got to veg out - and MisterMoonbeam gave him his Disney+ and DC Universe logins! Lol He was very happy to be able to hang out by himself and binge watch shows I have zero interest in. He needs space and quiet to recharge. I have been closing the Box early every day, 4 pm instead of 6 pm. That way when he gets home, there are no interruptions. He makes dinner, and we all watch an episode of The Expanse together while eating. Then we split off depending on who has a date night, or I give them a task to do (moving stuff around) or we play a board game.

We’ve moved some of his stuff down to the master suite, but there is a lot of cleaning to do - PunkRock left it a mess. My whole house is currently a disaster, to be honest. I spent an hour cleaning my living room today and it’s still not good. I paid someone to cut the grass this weekend though, so at least the outside is decent! Actually, we were busy Sunday night outdoors, as the trees I ordered online a while back arrived with a one day warning. We had to stop everything and get them in the ground. Both DarkKnight and MisterMoonbeam worked as a team to dig holes and mulch them in, and I did the center hole digging, cleanup and actual planting. We were all exhausted, dirty and exhilarated that we did it! Lol We planted two forsythia bushes and 5 arborvitae. One thing that had me in tears though, was that the order included a red maple. Our entire relationship, PunkRock would talk about us planting a red maple together, and watching it grow. Well, we finally got it, and I threw it in the trash. I cried a bit, when I realized it was here, but I couldn’t plant it - I just couldn’t.

The weekend at MosterMoonbeam’s house in Virginia was productive. It absolutely kicked my NRE into high gear, and he is now officially my boyfriend. We spent hours and hours packing up his living room and dining room. It was hard for him, as every item held a memory of his late wife. He had a big piles of discards, so we started a Facebook group of his family and friends, and I posted photos of each item, and then people could claim them. Stuff cleared out fast, so that made him happy.

MisterMoonbeam has a 3-day weekend every other week, so the plan is to go to his house those days and pack up the place. He is planning on moving to Frederick, which makes me happy that he will be so close! He will also be closer to his work, and to his other girlfriend. He had a video date with her on Saturday for 3 hours that I guess left them both feeling unhappy it couldn’t be longer. We talked about how he will instead schedule chats with her on days we aren’t at his house - there’s just way too much to get done before his move out deadline!
 
Woke up crying this morning - sometimes I am just overwhelmed with sadness and confusion. I have been reading a lot about attachment, and though this isn’t a new subject for me, I am so very concerned about how PunkRock’s abrupt departure will further erode my progress on my issues. I love him so much, still. I can never have him back, but my heart still hurts so intensely at him not being here.

DarkKnight gave me some hugs and kisses before he left for work, so that helped.

One thing I was thinking is that there really is no such thing as a forever bond or attachment. Like, maybe you find someone and you stay together for 80 years before you die or whatever, but all that means is that you outlasted time. Let’s say PunkRock passed away 2 years ago - I would have believed that our love was deep down into our molecules still, that we were meant to be. But now, obviously our love was a lie that he was perpetuating for some unknown reason. If someone’s love lasts 3 years or 30 years or 300 years - on a long enough timeline, it will probably reset and won’t be forever. So why do we believe it is for always? It’s just part time.

My strings still vibrate at his frequency though. I’m trying to detach, but it’s so very hard. I’m not thinking of him all of the time, but it’s a lot. Sometimes it’s anger though, and not sadness. It’s a process.

DarkKnight, MisterMoonbeam and I finished watching the first season of The Expanse again last night. I’ve seen through season 2, but it was a while ago, so I wanted to start back at the beginning. MisterMoonbeam purchased the first three books for me, but I haven’t made much progress there. I get dizzy when I read and can’t focus unless I am out in the woods when I do it. I went to City Park yesterday and walked the lake lap with MisterMoonbeam - he’d never been there. That was nice.

Today I plan to do some cleaning (I scrubbed down my living room yesterday) and I have to get Easter Baskets set up. I have 25 this year, though over 100 egg sets and art smocks. A far cry from the specialized 200+ baskets I normally hand out this time of year. Stupid virus.
 
Can you do virtual therapy? Its really helping me.

I don't really think of relationships as failures just because they end. And I really don't think your love was a lie just because PunkRock has had some doubts the last year. Circumstances and relationships change. The only constant really is change, imo.

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron is one of my go to books when I'm struggling. I'm rereading it again right now.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. ((Hugs))
 
I think the financial contribution What Happened is referring to is the monthly amount PunkRock contributed towards the mortgage/ utilities, etc.... which basically is no different than paying rent (and is silly of WH to keep asking!)

Ooooof course it's 'silly' of me to 'keep asking.' (KEEP asking??? I brought it up exactly ONCE. But...whatever.)

We're all here to work together to learn how to do poly better, right?

My point remains, if one has two husbands, then one has two husbands. A husband is a husband, right? If one has a homeowner who contributed money and a renter who contributed lots of sweat equity and lots of money...it's reasonable to see how one of those husbands feels his contribution is being treated differently and perhaps he himself is not really on the same level as the other husband.

The set up says from the very start that one husband is trusted and one is not (exactly), that one husband is assumed to be staying and one is at best, on probation of sorts. One husband gets the equity from the start and the other gets his equity only if he meets certain conditions.

If I were one of two wives and I was told I was equal, I would never agree to such disparate treatment and conditions and in fact such different conditions would tell me I wasn't really the equal wife I was told I was.

My hope in posting this is to say, have some compassion for Punk Rock instead of condemning him. He was and is, after all, also a member of our forum.

And perhaps we can all think on this in how we manage our multiple relationships.
 
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