On Sunday, MisterMoonbeam got up early and picked up a different friend, who was heading up two other guys who were packing the moving truck for him. He had rented the biggest moving truck he could, and the idea was that we’d stay out of the way while the truck was loaded and then driven back to my city and everything was put into storage. Well, right from the beginning, MisterMoonbeam was stressed.
The truck pickup took awhile. He had some frustration there, but he got it done eventually and that was good. He had promised to bring me back some breakfast, but his anxiety was high and he actually bought 3 different breakfast entrees because he was unsettled and worried and couldn’t decide. He ate okay and we talked about our plans for the day. Jake the dog was on schedule to be fixed on Monday, at which point both dogs would be rehomed with his late wife’s best friend. I suggested maybe taking them to a creek and having a last outing with them. He seemed happy about this idea, so we bought some treats and toys at Walmart and went over to his house to get the dogs.
At that point, the truck was almost fully loaded and things were looking good. We took our trip to the park and the dogs were bouncy and active and both MisterMoonbeam and I waded in the creek. The water was perfect. He seemed to grow tired quickly - no doubt feeling sad about rehoming the dogs - so after a while we packed things up to go back to the house.
We got a call from the movers - they were on their way! However, not everything fit in the truck. MisterMoonbeam’s mood almost immediately changed. We were both distraught and not really sure what to do. We didn’t thing he had THAT much stuff but clearly he did. We went back and took the dogs home, but he didn’t want to go inside or look at anything. Instead, we dropped them off and went back to the hotel where he took a nap and I sat up and worried about how this would effect him.
Now in the morning we had decided we would bring dinner to his wife’s best friend and bring Charlie, the other dog, to her overnight, since Jake the dog was going to the vet for surgery first thing in the morning. She would be done with work at 6:30, so at 5 pm I woke MisterMoonbeam up and told him we were going on a date! We had purchased this “Adventure Challenge” book that has a ton of date ideas with spaces for photos and journaling. The neat thing is that all of the date ideas need to be scratched off - so you have no idea what you are doing! I was hoping that whatever was chosen, would help get his mind off the looming issue of what to do with the rest of his stuff.
Well, it helped A LOT. Guys, I scratched off a date idea that had him roaring with laughter and me sitting back in shock. We had chosen this particular square because the timing was 1-2 hours, it was free and it was outdoors. It sounded good. The category was “Trust Fall” and the name was “Don’t Let Go.” I swear to god, the first thing I asked was - “did you write this challenge?!” Later,, DarkKnight said he would have reacted with laughing as well, and I don’t doubt it.
The date involved silence. We had to hike through a park for 15 minutes in silence, holding hands, and we weren’t allowed to let go of the other person’s hand or talk at all. Then, we had to take turns pushing each other on a swing for 5 minutes each, and the person on the swing couldn’t talk but the person pushing could. Then, you were supposed to talk about how the silence felt.
I am an extrovert. I never stop talking. It’s like, my biggest personality flaw, I think. It’s a huge part of who I am and what I’m like, and it’s why I am best in small doses! Having to stay silent for this amount of time was like a big joke being played on me!
So, we returned to the park we had gone wading at earlier, but instead we headed for a paved trail. It was shaded, not at all busy, and it was just the thing for us. By the end of the walk, we were both smiling and feeling much less stressed. The swinging was fun - it was definitely not something we would have made a plan to do, that’s for sure! While we were doing that several families and couples walked by, and we were given lots of smiles and I saw at least one woman trying to convince her partner to come and push her, but he didn’t want to do it. I felt kinda good, knowing that I had a partner willing to look silly with me - especially on a day that was causing him so much anxiety.
After the date, MisterMoonbeam added to it with a drive through the area where the Battle of Fredericksburg took place during the Civil War. He showed me this pyramid thing in the distance, and he mentioned that he actually didn’t know much about the battle! So I looked it up on Wikipedia, and we learned all about it. This area was also not busy, and it was nice to just be with him and do something together.
This was our first ever official date.
We then picked up Mexican and brought food to his friend to eat together. She had just moved in to her new house the day before, so she was happy to have a catered meal.
Then we brought Charlie the dog over, and at that point I went through the house and took photos of all of the stuff we still had to move. MisterMoonbeam’s mood did a complete turnaround and he started freaking out about all of the items. He repeated a couple of times that he should have hung himself, and started pacing and gesturing wildly. He said he couldn’t deal with this anymore and wanted to burn it all. He was just soooo out of control of his feelings and overwhelmed.
I tried to get him calmed down and we went back to the hotel after dropping off the dog. He closed himself off a bit and was just kind of lost to me, in a way. Me being me, I started making plans and lists to make it manageable. After a while he seemed to calm down and fell asleep. After a while I felt content that I had control of the issues and went to sleep myself.
In the middle of the night I woke up after a nightmare about PunkRock (I seem to be having these frequently) and I started crying. It was kind of a release of emotions for myself, because I was really worn out dealing with everything over the weekend and worrying about my boyfriend’s mental health. Also, I was feeling really disconnected at that point - we hadn’t had sex in over a week, and my focus just became all of the lifting I was doing to help keep him on an even keel, and how I needed him on me to feel safe and secure myself.
I knew he wouldn’t be okay with that. I mean, he’s in the middle of a meltdown and struggling with everything. Sex was not going to happen. This made me cry some more, and he was snuggling me and rubbing my arms and back. After a while he started snoring, so I got up and slept on the couch. I needed to distance myself to seriously not try and touch him - I masturbated in the living room away from him, took care of my own needs myself. If you have read my journal at all, you probably know how terrible I felt after that. I slept on the couch fitfully, but when I woke in the morning, I went back to bed and cuddled up with MisterMoonbeam once again.
After talking about things, I laid out my ideas for tackling all of the leftover items. I had a bullet list, which he expanded on, and before he got up to take Jake the dog to the vet for surgery, we had solid plans. When he got back (I fell back asleep but then got dressed) we did some internet stuff and everything got set up. We now have everything scheduled and things are looking good.
1. We reserved a 15’ moving truck for Saturday in Hagerstown. The plan is to drive it out to Fredericksburg and load it up and bring it back to the storage unit.
2. We talked to the moving guy, and he said the storage unit still had space. When we returned home later today, we discovered that was true, and it looks like we won’t have to rent a second one to hold everything, thank goodness.
3. He has a friend lined up for Saturday to help load stuff, and my two oldest children are going to travel over to help as well.
This will add at least another $400 to the cost of this weekend’s move ($1200 - not including food and 2 nights of hotel). Not great, not terrible.
Then we went to the house and discovered that Jake the dog had gone insane the night before and trashed EVERYTHING. I can’t begin to describe the insanity, but our day suddenly got much longer. MisterMoonbeam seemed to lose momentum almost immediately, and truthfully I just wanted to sit outside and scream, but instead I just went to work. Boxes were torn to bits, dog kibble blanketed the living room carpet, chairs were knocked over and plants were upended. Trash was everywhere, broken china, urine...fuck. It was bad.
I directed MisterMoonbeam and together we loaded the van and got the mess dealt with. We staged everything for the weekend and gave a list to the cleaning lady to handle over the week. To be clear - we took care of the huge mess. This list was just stuff like to deep clean the rooms that were empty in anticipation of the final walkthrough later in the month. Anyway, we got it done.
We had a good talk on the drive home. Both of us can’t wait to have this entire process over. I am deeply concerned about his mental health, but at the same time - his wife died like 8 months ago! This is obviously traumatic for him. I am still trying to figure out how to be helpful but still give him his space. I don’t believe at all that he is actually suicidal at the moment. I do think he was previously, which is why he started going to therapy soon after his wife passed.
I still haven’t heard anything back about my own wait for a therapist, only back when they called to offer me the counselor that PunkRock had been seeing as he left me. Which I immediately turned down without seeing even once, because, yeah, NO. I am very tired right now and I have been promised by both guys a week away in July from everything. I am really looking forward to that.