I’ve been messing around with different divination and tarot decks lately. I paid for the Wildwood Tarot on my phone, but I recently bought the Druid Animal Oracle from a friend and that’s been resonating more often than not. I did a 3 card reading on my birthday and it was really on point.
(The first card represents the motivation behind a situation and event.)
“Frog signifies joy, delight and healing, and leads to a refresh and renewal. Nothing is what it appears to be - life is more fun than you first supposed! There is a hidden beauty and a hidden power in all of nature, and as you open yourself to this you will feel close to both the earth and to water.”
Right now I feel upbeat and positive, and to read about the frog and the joy it brings - I can’t wait! My bestie in NY told me that she thinks I should “add instead of subtract” moving forward, and I agree! My plan is to go on an easy hike - a nature walk - once a week, and keep a photo journal. The Frog card shows that this is a good plan. Whoo hoo!
(The second card represents my answer at the emotional, social or relationship level.)
“Raven marks the death of one thing, which gives way to the birth of another. The power of the raven can also bring you the very deepest form of healing, and will give you the possibility of resolving conflicts that you have been struggling with in your past.”
I am hoping to move forward with both DarkKnight and MisterMoonbeam as nesting partners, and continue to heal my heart following my break with PunkRock. The Raven is a strong positive card and I feel really happy and full of both light and love to see it in this spot.
(The third card represents its effect at the physical level of manifestation - in the body, or the concrete, tangible world.)
“The Adder offers healing and transformation. It represents our ability to die and be reborn. Both sexual energy and a graceful journey through life are indicated.“
This one made me laugh. Apparently my sex life will be rejuvenated in the coming year. I’m not going to complain!
Overall, this was a very positive reading, and I was excited to be 43.
I did that reading actually on my birthday. Tonight I found myself an emotional mess. It’s the end of my period, and I’m feeling fat and unloved. I have been very depressed about RBG’s passing, as she was a personal hero of mine, and tonight I was reading news articles and everyone is writing about Trump’s replacement. I can’t stomach it. I am also stressed out because last weekend a donor gave us a couch full of bedbugs and it’s been moldering outside the recipient’s house, and I haven’t had a way to get it moved. Finally, tomorrow morning, MisterMoonbeam and my son are renting a truck and carting it off to the landfill. I am really anxious about getting it gone, and I feel terrible that I have to have them both get up really early and do this. I feel helpless about it, as I really can’t come up with other options.
Anyway, I am just feeling exhausted and emotionally drained, and I was looking for a specific photo of me on my phone, when I realized I was in 2019’s pictures. I started seeing PunkRock and I, and found myself checking to see if I could find when he stopped loving me.
This was not at all conducive to improving my mood. I stopped and went to fold laundry, and then I sat and cried and listened to Linkin Park’s song, “Heavy.” Twice. Ugh, even my sadness is fucking sad.
MisterMoonbeam brought me an empty basket and then saw my distress and gave me hugs.
I decided to do another reading -
Why did he stop loving me? Why am I not loveable?
(The first card represents the motivation behind a situation and event.)
“The Hawk, drawn reversed, suggests that you could be paying too much attention to detail. Being precise and “hawk-eyed” can be valuable, but taken to its extreme and without a wider overview, it can lead to cruelty. Be careful not to get carried away by the justness of your cause, while forgetting to take into consideration the feelings of others.”
So, apparently I need to stop trying to find the “needle in a haystack” - that single pivotal point when everything changed. There probably wasn’t one. He was always struggling with mental illness, active addiction and his own issues. I couldn’t fix him. He had his reasons, and they weren’t all because of me as a person.
(The second card represents my answer at the emotional, social or relationship level.)
“The swan brings us the qualities of the soul - of love and depth, grace and beauty. Love is entering your life.”
Oh! I am loved. I knew this, but the swan reminded me.
(The third card represents its effect at the physical level of manifestation - in the body, or the concrete, tangible world.)
“The hind, drawn reversed, may be warning you to be less self-effacing. Rather than adapting yourself, like a chameleon, to the perceived demands and expectations of those around you, you may need to become more assertive.
Do what is right for me, not for my partners. Be me, not what I think someone needs me to be. Ask for what I need and take the time that I need.
I feel a bit better.