Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Bluebird

Active member
OMG you guys I just realized that this month marks 7 years that I have been writing in this journal. So many heartbreaks but so much love! Thanks for reading. I am only an expert at being me - and I am a work in progress - but I appreciate everyone who follows my life on here.
 

Bluebird

Active member
Interesting thing happened today! MisterMoonbeam was taking a break from work, and we got crazy frisky on the couch. He was fully clothed but my skirt was rucked up all the way, my boobs were popped out of my bra and my shirt was nowhere in the equation. And...DarkKnight came home.

Never ever, ever has DarkKnight walked in on, or interrupted a sexy situation between myself and another partner. MisterMoonbeam extracted himself from where he was - stretched out on top of me, having just been finger blasting me - and stood up, straightened his own clothes and greeted DarkKnight at the door. He was totally cool and collected.

I was the opposite of that! Having just had a series of orgasms, I was breathless and of course, looking a mess. I apologized profusely and pulled my skirt down and sat up. DarkKnight was laughing! He seemed more bemused than anything. I was concerned he might be upset, but instead he seemed like he was just given a present. He enjoyed seeing me in that position, and wasn’t unhappy at all.

Thank goodness!

Both guys seemed to be completely comfortable and I am really glad of that.This was a mistake on my part by not keeping better track of time though - I will definitely be having separate conversations with my guys about this! Still, I am very happy how the situation turned out.
 
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Bluebird

Active member
Whoo hoo! I worked all this afternoon and evening with my guys, and all of the board games are now in the basement. The 4x4 Kallax was assembled a couple days ago, and after some measurements I discovered that I didn’t need to buy a 2x4, because it actually wouldn’t fit! Instead, MisterMoonbeam brought down from his office space a 1x4, and I was able to get everything stacked and put away. There is still some sorting to do - some of our games are duplicated, and we realized that some aren’t here. I think we are visiting the storage unit tomorrow to try and see where they are. There is at least one big box of games missing. I also know there is at least one game that we’ve been playing recently - Hive - that I can’t seem to find. I am happy though, to have everything all on shelves!

I started laying out my wall mosaic/mural of old game boards and boxes onto the floor tonight. I gave up after about an hour of rearranging. I am wanting to go shopping again tomorrow if I can - I want a Risk board, and Stratego. And a Hungry Hungry Hippos! Hopefully I can find some copies to dismantle at the thrift stores in town. I do have a stack of boxes I need to still cut up as well. I just grew tired. I was super bouncy tonight though - sooo much progress has been made! I am itching for the table to be delivered, but that won’t be until Sept 12. We are scheduling an electrician for the beginning of September as well.
 

Bluebird

Active member
Not feeling well today. I got my period yesterday and I woke up dehydrated and headachy. This always makes me feel nauseous. Advil helped but it’s wearing off and my head is starting to pound again. Ugh ugh ugh.

I am in a weird mixed up mood as well. I leave for vacay with DarkKnight on Wednesday and I am so crazy excited to go on a trip with him. I have been feeling incredibly in love and romantic with him lately. However, I feel sick inside when I think about coming home. I know this has everything to do with the fact that PunkRock left me after our Valentine’s Day trip. Subconsciously my brain is like - DarkKnight will leave you too! I am glad I can recognize the bullshit my body is putting out there. Not all guys are like PunkRock, and DarkKnight most certainly is NOT.

I finished putting together my board game mosaic on the basement floor last night. I am hoping to have time to work on it again at some point today, but the Box has been pretty busy. Combined with my period - yeah, not sure what I will be doing. The floor lamp I ordered for the space was delivered this morning. I also got in the tapestry I bought for DarkKnight’s headboard - I am really excited about seeing that put together! My goal is to have the mosaic up on the wall before I leave on vacation.

I do have a volunteer coming over shortly so at least my Blessing Box overflow space will stay decent. My goal is to keep the table clear so while I am gone, MisterMoonbeam has a place to stack up the donations.
 

Bluebird

Active member
Checking in while off on vacay with DarkKnight. It was a beautiful drive over to Indian Head, and I am looking forward to hiking the rail trail here and doing some canoeing as well. We rented the cutest AirBnB for nickels, and we shared a bottle of wine and strawberry shortcake tonight. We are here for 5 days.

I was teary last night because MisterMoonbeam was out of sorts, and I hated to leave him when his depression seemed to be increasing. His in-laws are moving to Arizona in a month, so he finds himself now in the position to have to spread his late wife’s ashes NOW. He wasn’t prepared for this to happen - even less than having to suddenly pack up and move out of their house back in March when we first got together. I’m not sure how to support him, but I feel like leaving to go on vacation isn’t it, you know. It was a huge trigger for me too - I just keep remembering how PunkRock would get completely shitfaced every time
I went away. I know MisterMoonbeam doesn’t have that addiction, but I am so very stressed about leaving him alone. Combine that with the stress of how PunkRock left me after our last trip away - I am on edge like you can’t believe, with the thought that DarkKnight might do the same.

I seriously know that isn’t the case and everything is going to be fine, but my neck and shoulders are knotted up and I am anxious out of nowhere when I start thinking about it. Tonight a friend invited me to this new social media app that he started and HippieChick was on it. I blocked her immediately but I really didn’t even want to think about her - I honestly don’t much ever, at all - so that left me a little ugh as well. However, that got me to thinking that PunkRock and I have been split for 6 months now. I don’t feel healed, but I think I am miles from where I was initially.

That said, DarkKnight and I were talking and I think for Christmas, after all of my programs are concluded (Random Acts of Christmas, Senior Santa and the Teen Gifting program) I think we may go rent a condo by the ocean. Beach trips were always PunkRock and me, and I feel by then I will be ready to go back to Ocean City and reclaim my sand and sun. Even if it’s chilly out! Right now I do still plan on going to the Outer Banks with MisterMoonbeam in October, but that trip has become tentative due to scheduling with the group that rented the beach house.
 
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Bluebird

Active member
One more sleep and my vacay is over. I’ve never had a getaway like this and probably never will again. It’s just so weird to rent an apartment and not have a bunch of activities planned - or rather, to have a list of ideas and then pick out what we are going to do. DarkKnight and I have really isolated ourselves on this trip! We have had fun though, and it’s been a good time to decompress.

We did a four mile hike along the Indian Head Rail Trail. We would have done more, but all of the water fountains along the way were shut off due to Covid, so we had to cut it short when we realized we didn’t have enough water. Still, we were tired at the end! We also visited the art center in Smallwood State Park and bought a print while there. We were on the docks over the Mattawoman Creek and had picnics both days we went walking. Of course we’ve played a bunch of board games too - Hive, Santorini, Ticket to Ride: New York - and we plan to play more in a few minutes. :) I’m actually still in my pajamas from last night right now - we stayed in today and had good sex and snuggles. I read the first book from the Expanse series.

I also had some teary times, as expected. Sometimes I still have trouble with my mind wandering to sad past places. Not sure if I mentioned it in a previous post or not, but it’s been six months since PunkRock left me. I can’t believe that it’s been that long, but I also can’t believe that’s all it has been. Depends on the day, I guess, and where my headspace is at. So much has happened since then, so much of my life is different.

It’s now been 5 months that I’ve been dating MisterMoonbeam. I still don’t exactly feel like we are a team. He’s made overtures and statements about wanting to be a part of a larger thing, but he’s also said that he thinks it would be good if he gets his own place in a year or so. To figure out who he wants to be. That’s okay with me - every time he’s talked about being included in our State of the Union meeting, or maybe being more involved in our finances, I try to be nice about excluding him. I would be lying though if I said I didn’t want him to be a permanent nesting partner. Everyday that goes by I feel closer to him. However, I also get worried. I want him to have the freedom to leave me easily. I am not sure if that’s because of the pain I still feel about PunkRock’s betrayal and wanting to avoid that again. I want it to be because I want the best for him, as a person. This vacation away from MisterMoonbeam may tell a lot about that once it is over. He doesn’t seem to be doing great, but he’s hanging in there, I guess. He’s made some pretty depressing meme posts on Facebook the last couple of days. When we first got together he told me being alone actually wasn’t great for him after his wife passed, and from what I am seeing it’s not been good for him now either. I don’t want to be a...I don’t know what the word is. A stopgap? A distraction? As much as I want to be able to heal and move forward, I want him to be able as well.

I’m not sure I am making much sense. I guess it doesn’t matter. Moving forward is kind of inevitable- time marches on! I prefer it be measured, but muddling through can work too, sometimes. I’m just not used to it.

I’ve tried to focus a lot on DarkKnight while enjoying my time away with him. Not that it’s difficult. Holy shit, I love this man. Doing nothing as a couple has been great, for real. Holding hands and watching butterflies, pointing out eagle nests, eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while enjoying the shade overlooking the creek - yeah, disconnecting from the world and just being in it together is wonderful.
 

Bluebird

Active member
I had my first orthodontist appointment for this year. Xanax free, so I take that as a win because I made it through without it. I did some breathing exercises and focused on my anchor as I was taught by my hypnotherapist and things went okay. I stopped wearing my aligners earlier this year - another divorce casualty. Honestly, all of my old aligners disappeared when PunkRock left. They were in the basement bedroom with all of his stuff and I think they got stuck in a box inadvertently. They asked me to bring the old ones in but I couldn’t locate them and fuck if I was going to message PunkRock about it. I don’t want any reason at all to talk to him. So I brought in the one set I still had and that just had to suffice! Today’s visit was free, and they removed all of the attachments on my bottom teeth.

Anyway, I get to spend $500 and start over with a new treatment plan for the bottom. I will get new attachments on, next visit. My top is fitting fine so they are going to just continue moving forward with what they have for those. I don’t mind paying the price because like I said, fuck messaging PunkRock to look for my old stuff. I am okay with what they are calling “refinements,” even though it’s prolly going to be a new 6 month treatment plan. My next appointment is the first week of October. This big setback is my own fault, so I am not going to bitch about anything. I just want to focus on the future and get this done already.

In a way, I feel like this is a return to normalcy. Things were so emotional for me - something had to give after the split and duh, my teeth are an easy something to ignore and lower my anxiety. So that happened. Six months later and I am ready to face the consequences and get back on track. I feel good about that. My dental nightmare is still a stressful subject and daily issue for me, but I finally have enough mental space to deal with it again.

Things went well, but I was extremely stressed and anxious afterward - which was what I expected, to be honest. It was like I was fine during the visit and then my body was like ahahahahaha now feel THIS. Thankfully I had plans and my youngest daughter came over. I hadn’t seen her in ages. We were messaging last night and she was like I miss your face and I said, no, I miss your face! So she came over and had a late lunch and we finished the mosaic game room wall. I’m going to try and post a photo after I finish writing. I gave her a side hug before she left. We kept some distance between us otherwise. When she left, I had a bright high for a very short bit but then I was depressed because I miss my all 3 of my kids so much. And then all the anxiety was there from earlier, just crawling along my nerve endings. And now I can’t sleep.

Still, I have brain space to experience it and recognize it and allow the feelings to come. I didn’t have the capacity 6 months ago. Yay? Ugh it still fucking sucks.
 

Bluebird

Active member
Board game mosaic wall.



I love how this turned out.
 

Petunia

Member
That game wall is amazing!
 

YouAreHere

Active member
That wall is GORGEOUS! Nice work!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
That's really cute and fun! I would add Checkers, Chinese Checkers and a few UNO cards too, I think they are so iconic and graphic.

We've got that Mad (Magazine) game too!
 

Bluebird

Active member
All 3 of those are on there if you look! Lol Checkers is on the bottom left - a blue and green board. Chinese Checkers and a couple of Uno cards are near the middle, diagonally touching each other.

Thanks y’all. I really love it. However, I’m in a shitty mood right now because the table we ordered got delayed until the end of November! DarkKnight called and canceled, and they gave us the runaround about getting a refund. We initially bought the table on a store credit card, but we’ve already paid it off. So them giving us a credit isn’t going to work out too well. We don’t need a $500 credit on a credit card we don’t intend to use - we need the cash back to go buy a new table someplace else! They said to call the company tomorrow to discuss it. I’m soooo not in the mood for nonsense. I just want a table!
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
Sorry about your table! Sometimes ordering furniture can be so frustrating. I remember once ordering a leather couch from NC, to "save money," and i was ready to kill their customer service and myself before it finally came.

Now I see those games! haha. Perfect!
 

Bluebird

Active member
Sooooo apparently PunkRock and HippieChick got secretly married in July. Like, he didn’t even tell his parents. My youngest gets says she found out when HC posted and tagged PunkRock on Facebook as a life event, after the fact. She was concerned that it would wound me so she didn’t tell me, but a friend did message me and ask me about it.

I honestly find it hilariously sad. I did really believe he would rush to the alter - and I wasn’t wrong. I mean, I know him. This is a way he can make his choice to leave make sense. Also, he couldn’t afford that apartment on his own. This is a way to lock in some financial security. Again, hilariously sad.

I wish them nothing but the best. I am sure it won’t last, but it won’t affect my life much if it does or doesn’t. My pain comes and goes, but those are the after effects, not current hurts. HippieChick gets to deal with being paired with an active alcoholic who hides his drinking really well - most of the time - and I get to be free of that. I tried, and I don’t regret my good times. I miss those terribly. But the lies and the struggles - I am glad to be 6 months into moving forward. I really am. There’s something to be said about it; in a way he’s given me a gift in that it’s a neat little door closing. Click.

Of course, I am still stuck with his name as part of mine. When I checked recently, the court was still closed for stuff like that. I feel motivated to check again next week. Lol I will have the money, so it’s just a question of getting it done when things open up.

That’s the news today, but I was also going to post about some updates. The table issue is still ongoing - the credit card company says it isn’t able to do anything until after the bill cycles on September 3. So we will see. I have someone coming over tomorrow morning to finish painting my sunporch. A guy from the flooring company one street over came to my house today and took some measurements for my Blessing Box overflow room - which was our old game room. He has been laying floors for over two decades and he is volunteering his time to put down the tile I got last year. So this update will be free for me. He is paying for the glue and will be ripping out the old carpet as well as installing the new tiles on Sept 12&13. This is exciting - the upgrade will really make a difference in there! I just now need to decide if I am going to paint the paneling when everything is moved out. The thought is exhausting but that would be the time to do it, so I have to make a decision soon. A friend is gifting us some track lighting too, for this space. Oh! And we are getting a new batch of fosters tomorrow. This time it’s a momma cat with her 4 - or 5 - babies.

It’s kind of interesting - I told a friend yesterday that I feel like I am upgrading my life in all sorts of ways. Working on the house is one part of that, as is finally getting my teeth back on track. Financially things are looking better than they have in a while, and I definitely feel emotionally supported by both of my loves.

I’m good. Life is good. I’m moving forward.
 
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Bluebird

Active member
The kittens are here! We got a momma and 4 babies. They’re the sweetest kittens ever, I have to say - one is a lilac point Siamese. They have me smiling, that’s for sure.
 

Bluebird

Active member
I had a full day. MisterMoonbeam and I spent some time at his storage unit, and we filled his van with stuff to give away through my Blessing Box. We also packed up a bunch of boxes full of Halloween and Christmas stuff, and hauled everything back to our house. I think we cleared & organized about 1/4 of the space, so that was an accomplishment. This was the first time we have gone back to remove things like this. He wasn’t emotionally overwhelmed, and he made quick decisions. Yay! That said, the van is still full - we decided to wait to empty it until tomorrow morning. Lol

This afternoon he and I went on a nature walk along the C&O Canal in Williamsport. We went off of the towpath a couple of times on little trails that others have made, and we got some great photos of different kind of butterflies. At one point he made a comment about walking again together in the Fall, and I got teary. I walked ahead of him so I wouldn’t look stupid. We talked about it afterward - I have been having some emotions all along with our relationship. I am really sensitive to the fact about how quickly he moved in, and I don’t want to rush into anything further too soon. Lately I have really started to fall for him more deeply and I am anxious about doing something crazy stupid (like PunkRock marrying someone he is still in NRE with after less than a handful of months).

Anyway, MisterMoonbeam told me he thinks I’ve actually been making really smart choices, like telling him to slow down and not start slinging his entire paycheck at our polycule’s needs. Even though he felt ready to become more invested in our relationship, I made him stop and think about it more. Also that I’ve been instrumental in helping him move and now make good decisions about his stuff. He said that he could have done something insane like pull a chunk from his 401(k) and invest it in the house, and get on the deed with DarkKnight, to show me how serious things are.

That made me choke a little - like what the fuck? Wow. Something like that never even crossed my mind! He said he didn’t really think about that either, but he wanted me to know that he was aware that there were choices he could be making, but my pushing back a little made him stop and breathe a bit. So I am doing just fine. We’re doing just fine.

For me it was like him mentioning walking together again in October, triggered me into thinking, hey, this guy wants to still be with me in October! He’s making plans! That sounds stupid, but with PunkRock, one of the ways I always tried to manage his depression and his drinking, was by making future plans. I always wanted him to have something to look forward to doing, so we would have a concert on the calendar, or a museum, or a trip. It was fun, because I am an extrovert and enjoy outings, but it was emotionally a type of heavy lifting, because there was always an undercurrent of worry and anxiety that he might relapse or fall apart if I didn’t keep him happy. I realize this was unhealthy now. But he was unhealthy, so it made me go sideways to try and balance that out. I should only be responsible for my own happiness, dammit! It shouldn’t have been up to me to try and manage his as well! Anyway, to have MisterMoonbeam reference a future time, even though it’s for a perfectly innocuous event only a month away, it made me feel secure. Because he wasn’t bringing that up to try and make me focus on something positive, he was just mentioning it because he wanted to do it.

And secure is good, when I am still having ups and downs now and again - as I push him back and try to keep him somewhat at arms length because I am still grieving.

I really fucking love him.

I wish I had met him at another time, when I could be more joyous and less hesitant. However, this is now. I think we’re doing okay, and that’s okay for now. I guess we will see how we are in October. ❤️
 
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Bluebird

Active member
Ugh, can I just sleep today away? I’ve been struggling with insomnia for a couple of weeks, most of the time not falling asleep until like 2 am. And then, I still wake up 2 times to pee! That said, the last two nights I’ve passed out at 11 pm and managed to be out like a light until the alarm goes off. I’m really happy and hope this continues, but this morning I feel tired in spite of the good rest. I’ve got a long list of stuff to get done this week. One focus at a time, I guess.

I’m going to roll out of bed in a minute, and eat something - probably an Atkins shake. I need to update and post my hours this week outside on the bulletin board. Then I need to shower and get dressed. Around 10 I need to feed my 7 crazy cats, and spend a few minutes holding all of our foster kittens after they eat. I believe I mentioned there was a van load of stuff I need to empty this morning from MisterMoonbeam’s storage? At this rate I will probably fill the Box and then start unloading. No wait - I had a bunch of hamburgers and hotdogs donated this weekend, which I bagged up but didn’t count. I need to make some meals - I’ll add a can of beans and 2 boxes of mac n cheese to each protein portion for a giveaway today. Once I get those done, THEN I can focus on the van stuff. I have some special request items to get lined up and ready for pickup, and I need to message the recipients so they know to come by today.

Let’s do this!
 

YouAreHere

Active member
Glad things are going well with MisterMoonbeam, and I'm glad you've got some level of closure with PunkRock. Ugh, though.
How are the new kitties doing? :)
 

MeeraReed

Member
Two "recovering" addicts marrying each other after knowing each other for a couple months...what could go wrong? LOL.

My ex did a similar thing--left me abruptly to be monogamous with a "real girlfriend" whom he married within a couple months (and also the first woman he was ever able to have sex with, LOL). I was pretty sure it wouldn't work out. But ten years later, they are still married. Go figure!
 

Bluebird

Active member
The kittens are doing great! They’re super sweet. If you’d like to see them, shoot me a private message & I’ll send you the link to my foster Facebook page. :) It’s updated daily with kitten pics, or photos of my 7 permanent cats.

I honestly don’t care if PR & HC work out or not. It doesn’t concern me. I believe all people deserve happiness. However, I’ve been hurt down to my core, so for them to experience something similar would be karmic justice. I don’t wish anyone ill though; I just want to move forward in my own life in a positive way. Looking back at what is going on with their relationship won’t lead to anything that’s helpful to me.

I’m exhausted right now. I had a busy day at the Box, and DarkKnight worked from home. He had a fever last night and the thought that it might be Covid had me in tears. He went to get tested for it this morning though, and thankfully he received the negative results this evening. He’s still going to be home the rest of the week, I think. He’s not feeling well, so he can run his office from here without infecting anyone else.
 
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