I had a full day. MisterMoonbeam and I spent some time at his storage unit, and we filled his van with stuff to give away through my Blessing Box. We also packed up a bunch of boxes full of Halloween and Christmas stuff, and hauled everything back to our house. I think we cleared & organized about 1/4 of the space, so that was an accomplishment. This was the first time we have gone back to remove things like this. He wasn’t emotionally overwhelmed, and he made quick decisions. Yay! That said, the van is still full - we decided to wait to empty it until tomorrow morning. Lol
This afternoon he and I went on a nature walk along the C&O Canal in Williamsport. We went off of the towpath a couple of times on little trails that others have made, and we got some great photos of different kind of butterflies. At one point he made a comment about walking again together in the Fall, and I got teary. I walked ahead of him so I wouldn’t look stupid. We talked about it afterward - I have been having some emotions all along with our relationship. I am really sensitive to the fact about how quickly he moved in, and I don’t want to rush into anything further too soon. Lately I have really started to fall for him more deeply and I am anxious about doing something crazy stupid (like PunkRock marrying someone he is still in NRE with after less than a handful of months).
Anyway, MisterMoonbeam told me he thinks I’ve actually been making really smart choices, like telling him to slow down and not start slinging his entire paycheck at our polycule’s needs. Even though he felt ready to become more invested in our relationship, I made him stop and think about it more. Also that I’ve been instrumental in helping him move and now make good decisions about his stuff. He said that he could have done something insane like pull a chunk from his 401(k) and invest it in the house, and get on the deed with DarkKnight, to show me how serious things are.
That made me choke a little - like what the fuck? Wow. Something like that never even crossed my mind! He said he didn’t really think about that either, but he wanted me to know that he was aware that there were choices he could be making, but my pushing back a little made him stop and breathe a bit. So I am doing just fine. We’re doing just fine.
For me it was like him mentioning walking together again in October, triggered me into thinking, hey, this guy wants to still be with me in October! He’s making plans! That sounds stupid, but with PunkRock, one of the ways I always tried to manage his depression and his drinking, was by making future plans. I always wanted him to have something to look forward to doing, so we would have a concert on the calendar, or a museum, or a trip. It was fun, because I am an extrovert and enjoy outings, but it was emotionally a type of heavy lifting, because there was always an undercurrent of worry and anxiety that he might relapse or fall apart if I didn’t keep him happy. I realize this was unhealthy now. But he was unhealthy, so it made me go sideways to try and balance that out. I should only be responsible for my own happiness, dammit! It shouldn’t have been up to me to try and manage his as well! Anyway, to have MisterMoonbeam reference a future time, even though it’s for a perfectly innocuous event only a month away, it made me feel secure. Because he wasn’t bringing that up to try and make me focus on something positive, he was just mentioning it because he wanted to do it.
And secure is good, when I am still having ups and downs now and again - as I push him back and try to keep him somewhat at arms length because I am still grieving.
I really fucking love him.
I wish I had met him at another time, when I could be more joyous and less hesitant. However, this is now. I think we’re doing okay, and that’s okay for now. I guess we will see how we are in October.