Getting out of my own Head

MsHMC2

New member
I've been poly for about 6 years with my husband of 5 years. I met him while he was in another poly relationship with someone else and they later broke up and we got married. I am newer to poly than he is.. I don't think I'm monogamous, and my husband is very securely and happily poly. He has 2 longer term and close relationships with 2 other women and often has looser connections as well (friends with bennies or short term connections. 3 of those, more or less, lately). I have a tenuous relationship with a man on and off over the years and mostly off. No strong connection. I have a close friend who is also my partner and she sometimes shares my bed with my husband as well. I don't have strong desires for other relationships though. I guess I'm tired, mainly. Job, kids, etc. Just don't have the bandwidth for it. Lol Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm using it as an excuse.

My hubs and I have a good, close relationship. I have no real complaints. I'm still struggling to live as a poly person with multiple metamours to wrap my brain around. He, at this point, has said he wants no new long term partners besides the two, but the looser connectionscome and go. He spends plenty of quality time with me. Again. I can't complain. I suppose I'm here to talk to about my feelings and thoughts besides my hubs. Support from others. Hoping that reading other perspectives will help. Thanks for reading and looking forward to spending time here.
 
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TXretired

Active member
Welcome. I have two relationships. I have no desire for more. The two are amazing. Do your relationships the way you want. You need to be comfortable. Enjoy you time here.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
You and hubs have kids, and yet he still has time for 5 other partners besides you? How does he do that? If you have one regular partner (who also has sex with hubs, which complicates things) and one other person whom you see occasionally, as you parent your children, that sounds like plenty. I don't understand the reason why you felt you needed to defend not having more partners. Lots of poly people with young kids don't date anyone besides their nesting primary while the kids are young and needy.

You say you have no real complaints, yet you have a hard time dealing with all your metas. How does that play out?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings MsHMC2,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Really you can complain, you should complain, you have real complaints. Your husband has a whole bunch of partners, and I am skeptical about how much time he has leftover to help you with the kids and the house. He seems to be out always having fun, and the time he spends with you is probably just fun time. You are stuck with all of the chores. I am assuming all of this and I could be wrong, correct me if I am. I just don't see how he could have the time for anything else with that many partners.

You aren't obligated to have a strong connection, you have way too much on your plate. You said it yourself. You are tired. You have a job, kids, and more to take care of. No wonder you don't have the bandwidth for more poly! I hardly see that as a mere excuse.

In your profile you mentioned being kind of numb, and mildly depressed. This kind of emotional state can mean that you only have a limited number of spoons to deal with things in a given day. By the time you take care of the kids, your job, and housework, you may have run out of spoons. This isn't your fault.

I don't mean to be overly dramatic, I just sympathize with you in your situation. I hope you and your husband can work things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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MsHMC2

New member
To be clear, he has two partners who he sees regularly and the others are semi-regularly and for all intents and purposes close friends who he occasionally has sex with. I'm not here to bash him at all. He balances things very well and helps greatly with the bug chores at our home. Better, in fact, than any other person I've lived with. He contributes. He communicates. He does the right things. Like I said, alot is in my head. He does spend a good bit more time with other people than I do, but that's somewhat relative because I do see him the most. We share a house. We spend every evening together. It's not every weekend I see a paramour but usually I do. He is spending more time with the two, so I'm needing to re-engage things besides my life at home which can be great. I love painting and such and if he's away I can delve into that stuff. Take baths and read which I hardly ever do. The feelings are hard some days and at times I just feel like I don't *want* to feel good about poly. I have that numb or don't care feeling but I'm honestly not sure I'd that's because I'm just not letting myself think too deeply.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
To be clear, he has two partners who he sees regularly and the others are semi-regularly and for all intents and purposes close friends who he occasionally has sex with. I'm not here to bash him at all. He balances things very well and helps greatly with the bug chores at our home. Better, in fact, than any other person I've lived with. He contributes. He communicates. He does the right things. Like I said, alot is in my head. He does spend a good bit more time with other people than I do, but that's somewhat relative because I do see him the most. We share a house. We spend every evening together. It's not every weekend I see a paramour but usually I do. He is spending more time with the two, so I'm needing to re-engage things besides my life at home which can be great. I love painting and such and if he's away I can delve into that stuff. Take baths and read which I hardly ever do. The feelings are hard some days and at times I just feel like I don't *want* to feel good about poly. I have that numb or don't care feeling but I'm honestly not sure I'd that's because I'm just not letting myself think too deeply.
I'm not sure I understand. How can you and hubs spend every evening together if you see your OSO almost every weekend? Do you mean you and hubs spend every weekDAY night together, because of kids' bedtimes and needing to sleep to get ready for work yourselves, and you both only see other partners on the weekENDs?

Do you both have overnights at other partner's homes? If so, when do you, as a working couple with multiple kids, do household chores, take the kids out for fun, etc.?

When you see your OSO and he's seeing one of 5 OSOs, who is watching the kids? Do you hire sitters a lot, or do you have grandparents available and on call? Or do you find yourself home with the kids more often than not while he's out shagging this or that woman?

I'm sorry you need to numb yourself in order to not think about hubs being with his OSOs. But we are all so programmed to be possessive of our spouses. I hope, the longer you do it, the more natural and less threatening it will feel, and you won't need to go numb altogether. I hope you find yourself feeling neutral or even happy for him, eventually.
 

MsHMC2

New member
I have some happy feelings for him. It's not easy. And to answer your question - the short version is that sometimes we get a sitter, sometimes we have "nights off" where we don't need a sitter because we're a blended family and have no kids together. They also often spend time with me as well at our home. They come for movie night with our kids, etc. He has a day during the week he is off work so he often sees them then. Anyway, we handle it in alot of different ways to try to balance the time. I just happen to lean more to not having partners at all.than having any. I understand the programming. For me, that is somewhat helpful. The words you're using are aggressive and not how I approach this (ex. Are you home with the kids while he's off shagging...?", etc.). Sometimes, yes, of course, and we have agreed to it and if I want time alone with someone or to do something else, then he does the same for me. So, the picture you're trying to paint isn't a good representation of our life. It's not the chores. It's not the kids.
 

MsHMC2

New member
I'm not sure I understand. How can you and hubs spend every evening together if you see your OSO almost every weekend? Do you mean you and hubs spend every weekDAY night together, because of kids' bedtimes and needing to sleep to get ready for work yourselves, and you both only see other partners on the weekENDs?

Do you both have overnights at other partner's homes? If so, when do you, as a working couple with multiple kids, do household chores, take the kids out for fun, etc.?

When you see your OSO and he's seeing one of 5 OSOs, who is watching the kids? Do you hire sitters a lot, or do you have grandparents available and on call? Or do you find yourself home with the kids more often than not while he's out shagging this or that woman?

I'm sorry you need to numb yourself in order to not think about hubs being with his OSOs. But we are all so programmed to be possessive of our spouses. I hope, the longer you do it, the more natural and less threatening it will feel, and you won't need to go numb altogether. I hope you find yourself feeling neutral or even happy for him, eventually.
I also am not here to defend how we work our day to day. I'm not here to demonize my hubs. If someone has a suggestion about how to deal with time or emotions or whatever, I'm open. I'm here to hopefully find some kindship and ideas on how others deal with their negative feelings. Thanks all.
 

Engineer_elliot

New member
I've been poly for about 6 years with my husband of 5 years. I met him while he was in another poly relationship with someone else and they later broke up and we got married. I am newer to poly than he is.. I don't think I'm monogamous, and my husband is very securely and happily poly. He has 2 longer term and close relationships with 2 other women and often has looser connections as well (friends with bennies or short term connections. 3 of those, more or less, lately). I have a tenuous relationship with a man on and off over the years and mostly off. No strong connection. I have a close friend who is also my partner and she sometimes shares my bed with my husband as well. I don't have strong desires for other relationships though. I guess I'm tired, mainly. Job, kids, etc. Just don't have the bandwidth for it. Lol Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm using it as an excuse.

My hubs and I have a good, close relationship. I have no real complaints. I'm still struggling to live as a poly person with multiple metamours to wrap my brain around. He, at this point, has said he wants no new long term partners besides the two, but the looser connectionscome and go. He spends plenty of quality time with me. Again. I can't complain. I suppose I'm here to talk to about my feelings and thoughts besides my hubs. Support from others. Hoping that reading other perspectives will help. Thanks for reading and looking forward to spending time here.
Greetings and welcome. Lack of bandwidth is ok. Kids are everything. It's just important to make this year the best one you have had yet. It honestly does not matter how many lovers anyone on Earth has. Support is important. Connection is important.
 

Tina

New member
I've been poly for about 6 years with my husband of 5 years. I met him while he was in another poly relationship with someone else and they later broke up and we got married. I am newer to poly than he is.. I don't think I'm monogamous, and my husband is very securely and happily poly. He has 2 longer term and close relationships with 2 other women and often has looser connections as well (friends with bennies or short term connections. 3 of those, more or less, lately). I have a tenuous relationship with a man on and off over the years and mostly off. No strong connection. I have a close friend who is also my partner and she sometimes shares my bed with my husband as well. I don't have strong desires for other relationships though. I guess I'm tired, mainly. Job, kids, etc. Just don't have the bandwidth for it. Lol Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm using it as an excuse.

My hubs and I have a good, close relationship. I have no real complaints. I'm still struggling to live as a poly person with multiple metamours to wrap my brain around. He, at this point, has said he wants no new long term partners besides the two, but the looser connectionscome and go. He spends plenty of quality time with me. Again. I can't complain. I suppose I'm here to talk to about my feelings and thoughts besides my hubs. Support from others. Hoping that reading other perspectives will help. Thanks for reading and looking forward to spending time here.
hi how are u doing
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello MsHMC2,

I owe you an apology; I misrepresented your husband, and that's not fair to you. He sounds like a good man. I think maybe you are experiencing some negative feelings about poly due to the conditioning that we all experience. The best way to deal with that is to do some digging, try to suss out the root cause. Sometimes there is past trauma that is raising its head in unexpected ways. Were you ever abandoned as a child, or expected to carry the load for others, or otherwise mistreated, either as a child, or in the past as an adult? Recognizing triggers in our past can help us understand negative feelings in our present.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
I also am not here to defend how we work our day to day. I'm not here to demonize my hubs. If someone has a suggestion about how to deal with time or emotions or whatever, I'm open. I'm here to hopefully find some kindship and ideas on how others deal with their negative feelings. Thanks all.


And you shouldn't, imo.

Like @kdt26417 has previously stated, picking apart a little bit the WHY to the emotions could be of use. Mind you, you just may be feeling them to be feeling them. Emotions are kinda weird like that. This is what I try to do whenever I have things like that crop up"

1. Have I eaten recently?
2. Have I had any water?
3. Are hormones involved? If so, which ones?
4. Have I exercised/yoga/physically moved around even for a 10 minute walk?
5. How has my sleep been lately?
6. Has this come up before?
7. Did I overhear something previously and it is just now registering and that is the reason I am feeling what I am feeling?

If I still haven't slowed my roll after all of that, then I look further outside of that circle.

And honestly, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. If you do not mind my asking, are you practicing parallel poly or kitchen table? Because if it is KTP, I can see where you would be overwhelmed with so many individuals involved. If it is parallel, that is another beast altogether.
 

MsHMC2

New member
And you shouldn't, imo.

Like @kdt26417 has previously stated, picking apart a little bit the WHY to the emotions could be of use. Mind you, you just may be feeling them to be feeling them. Emotions are kinda weird like that. This is what I try to do whenever I have things like that crop up"

1. Have I eaten recently?
2. Have I had any water?
3. Are hormones involved? If so, which ones?
4. Have I exercised/yoga/physically moved around even for a 10 minute walk?
5. How has my sleep been lately?
6. Has this come up before?
7. Did I overhear something previously and it is just now registering and that is the reason I am feeling what I am feeling?

If I still haven't slowed my roll after all of that, then I look further outside of that circle.

And honestly, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. If you do not mind my asking, are you practicing parallel poly or kitchen table? Because if it is KTP, I can see where you would be overwhelmed with so many individuals involved. If it is parallel, that is another beast altogether.
Thank you for reminding me of questions like this. That always does help and can put me in a better state of mind for sure to even entertain my feelings.

We practice parallel but in practice this actually looks alot like kitchen table. I am friends with all my metas. We spend time together. They come to my house and spend time with my children and me. We have gone on trips together. Parties together. We all have connections to each other independent of my husband and we talk independently of him. Sometimes we go places together without him (as friends for most everyone except one meta who is also my partner). We all agree on sexual health practices. No one does veto power or anything like that. We all talk and are free to being up issues if we need to. But, largely, he has his relationships separate from the others. Some of them spend time together and/or know each other but not all of them. So, I don't know what kind of poly that is, but there you go. I see one of my metas at least once a week, at minimum. Less is unusual.

And yes, it can be overwhelming/anxiety producing. Just because I'm pretty much an introvert and he's extra extra extrovert, if for no other reason than that. Then throw in complexities of polyamory, and boom. Negative feelings.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
We practice parallel but in practice this actually looks alot like kitchen table. I am friends with all my metas. We spend time together. They come to my house and spend time with my children and me. We have gone on trips together. Parties together. We all have connections to each other independent of my husband and we talk independently of him. Sometimes we go places together without him (as friends for most everyone except one meta who is also my partner). We all agree on sexual health practices. No one does veto power or anything like that. We all talk and are free to being up issues if we need to. But, largely, he has his relationships separate from the others. Some of them spend time together and/or know each other but not all of them. So, I don't know what kind of poly that is, but there you go. I see one of my metas at least once a week, at minimum. Less is unusual.

And yes, it can be overwhelming/anxiety producing. Just because I'm pretty much an introvert and he's extra extra extrovert, if for no other reason than that. Then throw in complexities of polyamory, and boom. Negative feelings.



Thank you for the update. :)


Honestly, to me this reads as a situation whereby you are comparing yourself to your husband and that is never a good thing. I am not sure about anyone else, but to me the information you have presented suggests that you are comfortable with having just one (maybe 2) partners, while your husband seems to have a seemingly unlimited capacity for "the more the merrier". Well, good on you both, as our Aussie cousins say. :)

Personally, I think if you can only handle/deal with/want only one or two other partners at one time, that is fine. Nothing to be ashamed of. And tbh, I myself do not think I could only handle/deal with/want only one or two other partners at one time. I am not as spry as I used to be and I have been working with John Q. Public face to face for the better part of 35 years, so more people is not the answer for me. :) If/when my DH and I ever opened up, if he has more than me and one other partner, that is fine too. The older I get the more the phrase, "Comparison is the thief of joy" rings true.

And I do not know about anyone else in the room, however, I would rather have one or two SOLID, decent connections than half a dozen half others where it feels more like "I will see you when I see you". Your mileage, and others', may vary, however. :)
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.


And yes, it can be overwhelming/anxiety producing. Just because I'm pretty much an introvert and he's extra extra extrovert, if for no other reason than that. Then throw in complexities of polyamory, and boom. Negative feelings.

Is that the cause then? You need to make more time to be ALONE and recharge your batteries as an introvert?

It's nice you get along with your metas and all... but you don't have to spend THIS much time with them if it's dinging your own well-being.

Extroverts can get their batteries charged up by being around people socializing. Introverts? That's a battery drain.

If he can go, go, go and enjoys that as an extrovert? Great. That's him. You don't have to compete or keep up with that. You do you.

I could be wrong in my impression but you sound like you envy him this:

But, largely, he has his relationships separate from the others.

Like maybe you want to deal with the metas separately and not all this group socializing at your house all the time.

Because you want to be doing more of this on your own: painting, reading, bubble baths. The restorative activities the recharges your batteries.

Because

I don't have strong desires for other relationships though. I guess I'm tired, mainly. Job, kids, etc. Just don't have the bandwidth for it.

You sound like you need more rest.

I see one of my metas at least once a week, at minimum. Less is unusual.

Could start there. Decline invitations to get together.

If seeing a meta once a week is too much, scale back to every 2 weeks or every month.

Galagirl
 
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MsHMC2

New member
I'm sorry you struggle.




Is that the cause then? You need to make more time to be ALONE and recharge your batteries as an introvert?

It's nice you get along with your metas and all... but you don't have to spend THIS much time with them if it's dinging your own well-being.

Extroverts can get their batteries charged up by being around people socializing. Introverts? That's a battery drain.

If he can go, go, go and enjoys that as an extrovert? Great. That's him. You don't have to compete or keep up with that. You do you.

I could be wrong in my impression but you sound like you envy him this:



Like maybe you want to deal with the metas separately and not all this group socializing at your house all the time.

Because you want to be doing more of this on your own: painting, reading, bubble baths. The restorative activities the recharges your batteries.

Because



You sound like you need more rest.



Could start there. Decline invitations to get together.

If seeing a meta once a week is too much, scale back to every 2 weeks or every month.

Galagirl
Thank you for the insight and for sharing. I think for sure you might have hit on something and that I likely do need more time for me and recharging and declining invites. I had begun working on that actually before I wrote this to some extent even. I appreciate it. You've given perhaps a little more validity to the thought that I need to focus a little more inward.
 
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